To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

I can't believe this is true, sorry. At the first mention of this as an idea or suggestion, most sensible people would have laughed. How do you allow others to do this, literally taking over your new, dream home?

As pps have put it will be much harder to move sister out once she gets in.

He's already bowing to her every demand!

Where is her horse currently?

She needs to get work & carry on as before.

Wait for the "I gave up work for you/your daughter" shit though!

You need to tell your husband no!

This.

Do not make any changes to the barn/ anything else for her.

I'm trying to come up with a practical disincentive. If DH struggles to say no to his family, making it clear that they will not be ruling the roost/ she will need to lay or she is out may help dissuade them.

It.might not, they sound pretty awful.

I think you will split over this. He is nowhere near in the right place mentally to tell his family the arrangement is cancelled. He has some serious family issues and he doesn’t care enough about the impact on you, even if he says he does.

Don’t move out. They’ll just all move in.

You need to set a time limit on her stay and also make it clear that she needs to pay her way and look after herself. You will not be doing her cooking, cleaning or picking up after her.

This really is not going to end well as she will expect you to do everything for her.

OP, it seems they are prepared to take over the place you and your husband paid for. I would give it a few months and then the in laws will try to move in too and I doubt they will ask.

I do feel sorry for him, however. It is clear they don't give a shit about him and only care about what he has now. They are Cheeky Fuckers of the highest order. They are selfish assholes and clearly the sister is the golden child.

OP, you and your husband need to get ready to defend your property. This will get ugly, but the only alternative would eventually lead to a divorce.

The sister needs to move out or, preferably, never move in. She doesn't get to make any more alterations to the property and she can shove her demands up her ass. She really has taken advantage and has been incredibly rude and disrespectful about it.

she quit her job to do it and you get to fund her.

She probably sees herself as setting up the business with/for Op's daughter.

I haven’t read the full thread yet but my immediate thought is that the sister planned to move in with you so ditched her job so she could live with you and her horse on private land.

100%

They are never moving out! They see your house as theirs now because they're moving their favourite child into it with her horse ... she quit her job to do it and you get to fund her.

SAY NO!

I agree with this ,although not with the bit about your DH being chicken. It's very, very hard growing up like he did and even harder to say no to people like his family when he so badly wants their approval.

In your shoes, I would absolutely be the 'baddie' and say no to everything. Your family deserves to enjoy the fruits of your labours without freeloaders and bullies muscling in.

If sister has a horse to bring she was never going to move out or far enough to be independent of you was she & ILs were always going to be there.

Decorating a room in your house for her?

Wtaf?

Your husband I can understand but you not-although seems you were happy to use SIL in this case?

Hopefully he now sees them for the uncaring using freeloaders that they are & calls the whole thing off.

100% No. She can't move in. Not even with a caravan.
I would die on this hill as well.

I would sit your husband again down today and tell him there is no more time to 'rethink'. The thinking time is done. You're done. This will not be happening. And if he can't say no without support, you will support the no.

I would also make it an ultimatum: The NO is delivered immediately, the madness stops, or the marriage is over. The house is your home, too. And you don't want them there taking over. The house is unaffordable without both of you anyway. So if he can't say no, you're done, the house is sold, good luck to him with his family.

You do not want to spend the rest of your life serving his family. They will take over your home, your finances, your space and your peace ... for your SIL.

How awful for you! Your DH needs to grow a pair pdq and put his marriage and immediate family first. Keep putting your foot down, be strong, don’t give in.

I would give your DH an ultimatum here.
I would say firmly that no. His sister is not moving in. That he has until the end of the day to tell the family that, and if he doesn’t, then you will.

This. You don't need your DH's permission to put a stop to all this. You can politely say it isn't going to work. And then I'm sure there will be unpleasant ructions for months on end, if not more, but it will probably save your marriage.

If you let the sister move in and let the in laws continue to visit every weekend, you can guarantees that it will be the end of the marriage.

From your description, it sounds as if your poor husband was the scapegoat in the family growing up (see narcissistic families or the stately homes thread on here) and that he is desperate for their time and affection as he received none growing up. He thinks that running around after them and doing their bidding will make them love him. It won't.
The sister, meanwhile has grown into a spoiled, demanding brat who expects everyone to run around after her and will never be grateful. Given that none of them showed any interest before your move, despite you being close by, the chances that they are suddenly genuinely interested in you all are nil. You need to keep telling him this repeatedly. He needs to seek counselling to help with his traumatic childhood.

I feel for you mate. We live in the south of italy, and if we weren't straight up rude about it, we'd be a year round holiday home for extended family. Often, people are cheeky beggers because they don't have the emotional intellegence to know that they are being inappropriate. Don't expect subtle to work. Be direct, rude if necessarry.

I very much suspect it's been agreed the sister is going to run the horse aspect for the DD in return for board and lodging. I also think this was done quite some time ago. Certainly before the sisters notice went in.

Both his and his families actions totally sense if this was the case

He just hasn't broke it to his wife yet.

His family might not even know she doesn't know, especially given she raised no objection to the room redecoration.

I suspect this is a DH problem not actually an in laws issue

Oh OP, I don't feel for you. I can see where you and husband are coming from (with regards to his sis supporting your DD short-term & his difficult childhood which is making him want to cling onto his parents)- it's a very difficult situation.
Im glad that your DH can now see that perhaps he hadn't thought it through. Yes, you should take to DH again and then with the in-laws+ siblings and explain you hadn't thought it through and as much as you love them living together doesn't work for you.
Good luck.

OP, meant kindly but you have to stop this shit in its tracks. You seem to be trying to mitigate the effects of your SIL moving in instead of being FURIOUS at being exploited by people who were vile to your husband growing up. Your husband has been profoundly damaged by his parents and needs long-term counselling . It is heartbreaking to read about his desperation to be valued.

So, the onus is on YOU to put your foot down very firmly.
This means you say NO to having his sister living with you in any way, shape or form. No,no,no. You are allowed to change your mind especially when she has changed hers several times. You do not want a stonking great cuckoo in your home!

Also TELL his parents that you are not hosting guests for the next 3/4/5 months as you need to prioritise your family life in a new area. Remember they could not be bothered with you in your previous home. So, NO visits until you invite them.

Practise, practise, practise your broken record replies :
No, that doesn't work for us.
We have changed our mind.
No, we'll let you know when we are up for visitors again etc

Low to no contact is the way forward after the initial blow-up when SIL gets told you will not be letting her stay. Manage your phone and media so you cannot be at their beck and call. Get a door camera so they cannot ambush you by turning up out of the blue to coerce you.

I whole- heartedly wish you all the best going forward. This situation could be a marriage- breaker but I hope your inner Warrior Woman triumphs!!

This - they can only take advantage if you let them.

Fill up the spare room with stuff, invite a friend who needs to stay there before she moves in (get a friend to say they need to stay for some reason or other)

After reading your update I don’t think your husband had the strength to stand up to them. They sound horrible and I don’t think sil will support your dd. I think you need to be the bad guy in this situation. Tell them it’s not going to work and helpfully suggest that if she wants to move out of the family home she moves into a hostel like your DH did. Also get some counselling for DH

Time to choose between sister and wife.

My DH never dares say no to his sister. I do wonder, if push really came to shove, what would happen. So many men would rather sacrifice their marriages than stand up to female relatives

Your mistake was agreeing for your in-laws to fund any of it.

This was clearly planned between your DH and his family.

You're just catching up