To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

Thank you OP. Your poor husband. I can't imagine what it must have been like for him and his siblings. Abuse, religious fundamentalism of any kind, control - they've endured it all. He has been incredibly brave under incredible pressure. And so have you. Well done for keeping your head and staying strong, letting him come to his own realisation.

Keep up that I love you, I support you messaging - remember 'for better for worse' isn't just a romantic piece of wedding fluff.

I'm also so sorry for his sister ... But if she is allowed in, it will be the thing end of the wedge, a crack in the door. She isn't your problem.

If she'd been allowed in, she would have been influencing your children from within, which may have been the goal all along. To get them back in, from the mother who kept them out. Work on her brother from within.

I referred to a 'commune' earlier on - but your update suggests that could even be part of the plan.

Please please help him to every kind of therapy. If you Google therapy escape religious cult etc you'll find a lot of articles, advise and resources to share with him. Keep up your approach, that he must seek therapy, for a healthy future for your family.

Be prepared. For attempts at getting to him. New social media accounts, letters and parcels, different phone numbers, unexpected visits and arrivals. For rumours and reputation damage attempts. Is the religion itself; leaders, other members etc, likely to try to cause trouble as an organisation?

It may help him to write his memoirs, set down what happened, what this religion really is.

All the very best to you both and your family, you are the future.

Well, I'm glad he came back and you could talk about it, but try to get him NOT to pick up the phone if/when they phone him. I am so sorry for what he has been through and I hope more therapy can help him to let go of these people.

All the best OP. You sound like a lovely caring person and your DH is so lucky to have you looking out for him

I can see why your DH would rescue his DSis if he could, maybe he feels because he got away his parents have shut her life down and he wants to free her too. It's not his fault that he cant rescue her without his dreadful parents coming too.
Your DHs a decent man Op and I think he's been very lucky to have you

He is a really lucky man to have you as his wife.
Delighted that things have eased.

Keep your boundaries strong.
Be ThAT wife.
Do not allow any of them near your home.
His sister is not your responsibility and at this stage she is too conditioned by them.

Your sole responsibility is to your children and provide for them a safe happy home.

Keep these freaks out.
Bad people allow their children to continue to be knowingly abused.
The end.

No excuse whatsoever.
Keep them away from you completely.
Any further relationship he has needs to be completely away from your home and you do not wishe to hear about them again.

Well done OP.

Gosh, I feel you!
Very similar situation, we've just moved into our dream home. Lots of land that has been years in the making, hard work and a total relocation. We are loving it, although we have alot of work to do. Both my Sister and my Dad have mentioned "moving in" or putting their caravan on our land/building a log cabin. I've laughed this off numerous times but I know full well if I agreed they would be here in a flash.

This is your dream, your house, your land and your family. If they want the "good life" they need to work hard for it like you guys have.

Glad to read your update op. They sound like typical JW’s to me.

Op I just wanted to add my support for you both, you both sound absolutely lovely and should be proud of yourselves and how well you work together and manage such a difficult situation. I hope you can stand strong together and keep making a beautiful life for your lovely family. Dance through the rain!

I hope so 🤞

Good news OP and well done OP's DH

This is so very traumatising for you too OP.

The end result of all this yo-yoing back and forth in your husband’s resolve always lands squarely on your shoulders. You are forced to absorb all the stress, fear and pain (and sheer hard work) while you protect your children from the effects of it.
Quite frankly, I’m surprised your marriage is still standing.

Your DH needs to understand that cycle of abuse that spreads outwards to you and his own children.

It’s sad for your SIL. her priority must be to get herself a job. She needs to help herself. You can’t and shouldn’t try to do it for her. It’s her own path she must find for herself. All you can do, from a distance, is encourage her in finding her own way out of the coercion.

Stand firm OP, as you have throughout. It’s clear you are the rock of the family.
You have my admiration and very best wishes.

Thanks so much for this update OP. It's fantastic news that your DH has rationalised all this and arrived at his (very sensible!) conclusion without causing any more upset to your little family.

Yes, thank you OP and what a relief

Good to hear the update OP.

I'm glad your DH is going to have some more therapy. I'd do it again if I needed it. It's an hour to just talk about you. In polite society we don't get that chance!

You have to build your own family traditions and rules after being in a childhood of abuse and control. I know about both. I'm sure you married a good man and he probably wants to 'save' his sibling. Good people do.
Keep strong and together on the no moving in decision and enjoy your new home. X

Thanks for the update OP. I feel very sorry for your DH, particularly about his childhood abuse by a member of their religion. Being brought up in the sort of extreme, coersive religion that supports the abusers over the abused makes it very hard to completely break away without professional help. This information re-inforces my opinion that his parents are disgusting abusive people who should be nowhere near your family.

@Sp3849 Thanks so much for this update OP. It's fantastic news that your DH has rationalised all this and arrived at his (very sensible!) conclusion without causing any more upset to your little family.
Your revelation about the nature of his upbringing is both shocking and sad and I now understand why you have been so accommodating of his DS - although I'm glad you and DH have agreed to keep his family at arm's length and not allow his DS to move in. Her situation is sad too, of course, but you can't fix her and she will need to seek therapy in the same way your DH has (and hopefully will do so again).
Best of luck OP - I sincerely hope this all works out well and you, your DH and DC can enjoy your dream home in peace! 🤗

Thanks Lastgig - I'm exhausted with correcting her nonsense. 😅

It's funny how you'll happily read the information on the CA public site, but argue with a former CA Adviser of 10 years about what that information means.
Read this again from the CA guidance you've quoted in this post:
"You don’t need a court order to evict your lodger, but you can get one if they’re refusing to move out. This would let you use an enforcement officer to make your lodger leave."
Do you understand the difference between "can" and "must"? This information is telling you that you can get a court order, but you do NOT have to (by law) and that the only reason you may choose to get a court order is so that you can then instruct an enforcement agent to escort your lodger and their belongings out of your property, instead of doing so yourself.
In the 10 years I volunteered at CA, no client I advised on removing an excluded occupier from their property chose to spend unnecessary time and money on obtaining a court order THEY DID NOT NEED!!!

Just a little reminder to the late night poster*, it is an offence to suggest you are a legally qualified person when you're not.
The OP is asking for relationship advice not quasi facts off the Internet.
Repeated posts regarding tenants and lodgers are not going to help the OP. She is seeking support not a bun fight from posters looking to spout late at night after a few sherries (?). Professional care in a domestic setting is different to a family member staying in a spare room. I'm disabled too @llizzie but do have a law degree! No one is insulting you but you are derailing the thread.

I hope the OP had a reasonable night and is going to enjoy the sunshine regardless of her DH.

• not you @AngelicKaty

I'm not doing anything to you - I'm correcting your incorrect posts on this thread (I am not aware of having any interaction with you on any other threads).

I haven't been spiteful to you personally at all - I have had to repeatedly post to correct your incorrect posts! 🙄

Now you're being ridiculous - in addition to still being wrong.
I volunteered for CA for 10 years, giving advice I was thoroughly trained to give, but you think I don't want to help people - hilarious! 😂 You, on the other hand quote a piece of AI and then state the precise opposite of what it clearly says - that a home owner does not need to get a court order to have an "excluded occupier" removed from their property.
Based on what OP has told us of the likely scenario should her SIL move in, her SIL would have the housing status of "excluded occupier" under housing law, as she will have a room in their home and will share living space with them - see this link about "excluded occupiers": https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/excluded-occupiers-and-basic-protection/check-your-rights-if-youre-an-excluded-occupier/ and pay particular attention to the section "If your landlord wants to evict you"
Your poor "advice" would have OP spending money and time that she does NOT need to spend to get a court order that SHE DOES NOT NEED to remove her SIL from her property should the SIL move in as OP has described.
YOU need to "stop arguing the toss" because you don't understand housing law.

Yes, of course, because my 9 months of training and 10 years of volunteering (inc. ongoing training) for CA count for nothing. 🙄

I don't need to look up the law about lodgers, it's an area of law that I'm very familiar with. But as the thing you found (after a cursory internet search) obviously didn't explain it clearly enough, here is what Shelter tells lodgers:

"How your landlord can evict you:
Your landlord can 'peaceably evict' you when the notice or fixed term ends.
This means getting you to leave without using threats or violence. For example, they could change the locks while you are out.
Your landlord does not need to go to court to make you leave."
^See england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction/eviction_of_lodgers_and_other_excluded_occupiers^

When lodgers share the same living space as their landlord, and do not enjoy exclusive possession, they have far fewer rights than other tenants. This would be the case if OP's SIL were to occupy the spare bedroom in her family's home, and share the same kitchen, bathroom etc. However I sincerely hope that will not be happening now.

FFS Lizzie give it a rest. You're so thick you can't comprehend the words you yourself are writing.

If this then they're a tenant
If that then they're a tenant

Exactly!

By your own admission they're not a bloody lodger then!

Someone isn't a lodger just because their LL uses that word to describe them. They're a lodger because they have a license to occupy. The basic rules are specific.

If someone is a lodger you don't allow them to take any actions which would change that status. If they put a lock on the door of the room they rent you remove it ASAP and give them notice to leave. You can't rent someone a self-contained area ie bedroom/kitchen/bathroom/living room and call them a lodger, because legally they aren't.

It's not "lodgers have rights if xyz".
It's they AREN'T a lodger if xyz.

It's not rocket science. It's got nothing to do with being on a phone or using a computer. It's to do with having the intelligence to understand the simple and easily available rules, something you seem to be struggling with.

I have also found that a lodger is only a lodger if they have a room in the house and share the common areas with the family. They are not allowed to lock their door and the landlord has the right to move them to another room.

If the lodger rents an annex, they are a tenant.

You seem not to want to help the OP at all. Can you not see that by telling the OP her rights and how she can prevent her husband from moving in her in-law you would be helping her?

You are so hell bent on calling me out you are becoming so obstinate that you can no longer think straight. You may think that a lodger has no rights, but that isn't true. If you are so distrusting of Ai, why not go into the gov.co.uk site? The information is there. Of course, if you only use a phone, you would not have such a clear picture of the law as a computer would give you.