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Original poster

To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

738 replies

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP posts:
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Original poster
Sp3849 · 07/04/2025 22:58

Well they weren't happy. His mother and sister did not take it very well. They basically tried to make out they were thinking of my daughter and how beneficial it would be for her having her auntie there to help her. With us both working. She could tutor her privately and take her to competitions and she could collect her from school and take her to the beach. My husband just said as lovely as that sounded if she wants to do those things in her spare time ofcourse she can we have always wanted for them to be involved in our children's lives but she doesn't need to live with us to do that. She has never ever bothered with her. We lived close by and she never even had the time to visit so yeah that went down like a sh!t sandwich. They continued to try but he stood his ground. They were going to have a chat his mum mentioned her funding the caravan if they can get planning. Hubby just said well if she can't she can go rent somewhere or stay home. Sis was whining about she had quite her job. Hubby pointed out that had she spoken to us about it first or even involved is in her plans then she would have known not to quit her job. It all ended quite awkwardly.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 07/04/2025 22:54

Well done! You must be quite proud of him at the moment op :)

MissSookieStackhouse · 07/04/2025 22:53

Well done for getting your DH to stand up to them, and well done to him for doing so - albeit belatedly. What did the in-laws say to the new ground rules by the way? Did they agree or try to argue back?

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 07/04/2025 22:47

Glad that you and your DH are on the same page OP.

Hopefully the sister will decide not to move in after all.

Oncewornballgown · 07/04/2025 22:47

That is an amazing update @Sp3849 Well done to your husband for being able to speak to his family and call them out on their behaviour. You offer is still incredibly generous and tbh does make me feel a little nervous, however, it is a huge step forward. At least they know now that you are not going to completely be walked over. Well done to you too for standing up for your own family.

AngelicKaty · 07/04/2025 22:47

@Sp3849 Well done OP. This all sounds entirely fair without you saying an outright "no". May I suggest you copy and paste your latest update into a note on your phone so you can keep it to refer to if SIL fails to comply with any of your terms at any time, which will enable you to say "No SIL, that is not what we agreed, you are meant to do xyz ...". Although, as you say, maybe all this will be too much and she will just forget it (in which case, GREAT, and I hope the way her room's decorated is also to your taste! 😉😂 )

OldCottageGreenhouse · 07/04/2025 22:45

@Sp3849Wow well done Mr Sp3849! Please share with us what their response was… 🙏

LAMPS1 · 07/04/2025 22:45

Well done …that’s excellent team work!
Extra hard on DH, given his need to have them love him. But he has you behind him and he saw sense at last. I’m sure he’s grateful for your strength and clarity.
Let’s hope it was all a storm in a teacup now SIL has to stop and think about the seriousness of her situation.

MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 22:43

Hopefully her horse, dog and herself will never appear again on your land.

FrippEnos · 07/04/2025 22:32

Thoughtsonstuff · 07/04/2025 19:07

Er...doesn't sound like a particularly tricky choice? Wife and children v parents who drove him out age 17 and are now only after the benefits he can give them.

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Its not a hard choice if you had a normal upbringing.
If he had a normal upbringing this wouldn't be happening.
It sounds like he is suffering from FOG, and a desire for their approval.

Original poster
Sp3849 · 07/04/2025 22:32

Well the response on this has been phenomenal. We sat down this evening and had a further chat. He agreed with my concerns and said he had been feeling the same. There has been alot happen all of a sudden and he also feels railroaded.He is aware of what his family is doing. He is also aware they are using him. We made a plan and rules and he phoned his parents and spoke with them and his sister he asked me to be there. He spoke I listened and he told them basically we didn't agree to her moving into the house she was supposed to be getting a caravan. She has quit her job and you have just announced she is moving in. We never agreed to it. We have had a chat and decided She can come and stay in the house but she must work and contribute for 6 months and her time is then up. She can't move in until she secured a job. We aren't feeding her or cleaning up after her. She wants new life to get on her feet we will give her that chance. But that is exactly what it is a chance to start over and be independent. If she hasn't got her caravan or planning and sorted her stuff out as to moving on after 6 months tough that's her limit. Her horse can come and stay in the fields he has done the fencing but no more. If she can't afford to look after it then that's her problem. If she is unhappy with stabling then find somewhere else. He told them they aren't coming down every weekend it will be once every 6 weeks his sister can go back to visit them. If she comes and she is at all freeloading she is out. The dog stays back home. They can't come down anymore continually to prepare as she is staying temporarily so nothing to prepare for. He has promised me he will stick to his guns. I have told him if we aren't united on this we will end up divorced because i won't put up with it. I did really think he would side with them as he is so desperate for Thier love and approval but he completely agreed. I know them and I will be very surprised if she comes now. But if she does it will be on our terms

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 07/04/2025 22:22

Streaaa · 07/04/2025 22:19

OP, call Women's aid because this reads as highly abusive of you.
His family are taking over YOUR home and you have no say.
Take this very very seriously.
This is a set up.

I agree with this.

Streaaa · 07/04/2025 22:19

OP, call Women's aid because this reads as highly abusive of you.
His family are taking over YOUR home and you have no say.
Take this very very seriously.
This is a set up.

SpainToday · 07/04/2025 22:15

And just to add we have a similar dynamic (but thankfully far less extreme circumstances) in our family and I’m not confident I’d win if it was me versus DH’s sister

SpainToday · 07/04/2025 21:52

Cancel the whole lot of an appalling idea or loose you. Let him decide which side his bread is buttered. If he still protests then you will know you will never ever win.

I agree with this stance but know how weak some men can be when it comes to female relatives. It’s easier to upset the wife …

Elsvieta · 07/04/2025 21:47

Does he usually try to make major decisions that will affect you (such as who lives with you in your home, ffs) without consulting you? If so, time for that to end.

Tell him he has 24 hrs to tell Dsis she can't live with you or you'll tell her yourself, and stick to it.

ZippyDoodle · 07/04/2025 21:46

Deary me, I’d be putting a stop to the sister moving in pronto. You won’t get rid of her. As for her redesigning the barn, well it would be a fuck off from me.

in laws can visit but on your terms not every fecking weekend.

Mercurysinretrograde · 07/04/2025 21:13

SpainToday · 07/04/2025 19:40

Can you tell us what happened?

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BIL came to stay for a month from another town while “considering his next steps after a divorce”, then once he was settled in he announced that his business had folded and he had no savings. It took 2 years for BIL to leave. He contributed nothing. We managed to move him out of the house and into a flat in the garden but he was so unpleasant I didn’t want to go outdoors. Every time my DH spoke with him about leaving he threatened to kill himself. Eventually he was given a deadline to move out and I threatened to sell the house and leave town if he did not move. He left but it affected our marriage as my DH, who hates confrontation, put enormous pressure on me to let BIL stay and a lot of trust was destroyed. I think BIL spoke badly of me to my DH and tried to destroy our marriage as he thought DH would end up with the house and they’d live happily ever after like a bunch of geriatric frat boys once I’d been kicked out. Unfortunately for him, I owned the house as my own asset. It was a horrible experience and it still hurts to talk about it.

Eastertidings · 07/04/2025 21:01

On a minor note...
I hope you are prepared for such loveliness as horse hair, grit and mud in your underwear, because you just know SILs horse rugs and saddle pads will end up in your washing machine and she'll make no attempts to clean it out afterwards or buy a new one when it breaks.
With SIL taking over a barn, where will your winter supplies of bedding and hay be stored? Given that it's much cheaper to buy in bulk off the field than to buy a bit at a time from the local feed merchant.
If you don't already have a dog, remember your house will end up needing redecorating sooner than if it doesn't move in.
SIL is also likely to spend 24/7 in horse clothes and smelling of a muckheap, which means your home and furniture will smell of this too. Unlike DD, you won't be able to just tell her to go get changed and have her obey.

I wonder how many other small daily nuisances would occur that nobody here has thought of yet?

More seriously -

If this shit show goes ahead, complete with various alterations without planning consent, you'll incur the wrath of the council and your neighbours. Horsey people pull these stunts all the time with illegal businesses and caravans and the council do enforce action. This is your home, do you want your neighbours hating you for being selfish? When you want to extend one day or build a second house for DS, do you want the planning committee rolling their eyes and seething with resentment when they see your name crop up, as they remember all the past hassles?

itsjustbiology · 07/04/2025 20:52

I have been thinking about this all day. I reckon I have a solution! Pack his suitcases and tell him to go. I don't for one minute think he will see it coming but he has a choice.Cancel the whole lot of an appalling idea or loose you. Let him decide which side his bread is buttered. If he still protests then you will know you will never ever win.

Streaaa · 07/04/2025 20:04

ThejoyofNC · 07/04/2025 19:18

Why on earth should OP sell a house that's perfect for her family just because of these CFs? I agree with all the rest, but why on earth would she sell up instead of just saying no?

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Sell up and divorce him if he won't see sence.

I agree that his vile parents are likely trying to offload his sister.

crockofshite · 07/04/2025 20:00

Thoughtsonstuff · 07/04/2025 19:07

Er...doesn't sound like a particularly tricky choice? Wife and children v parents who drove him out age 17 and are now only after the benefits he can give them.

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It's an emotional choice, not logical.

MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 19:42

SpainToday · 07/04/2025 19:40

Can you tell us what happened?

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indeed

MuffinsOrCake · 07/04/2025 19:41

Streaaa · 07/04/2025 19:01

So your husband was driven out of the family home at 17 by vile parents and you are allowing them and his sister take over your home?

Are YOU out of your mind?
Why would you allow such stress into your lives.

Stop EVERYTHING.
Put the house on the market.
Your husband isn't man enough to protect you or your daughter.
He is prepared to sacrifice his family to people who were vile to him.

Your poor daughter.
You need tobstep up and tell him that they are no longer welcome to visit and the house will need to be sold as you need to divorce.

He needs a dose of reality.

tbh I think she will need to divorce. I doubt he has the guts to change the situation now

also curious what will happen because usually the posters disappear in such thread ( if real ) when it gets most interesting

SpainToday · 07/04/2025 19:40

Mercurysinretrograde · 07/04/2025 19:34

I had this situation. It very nearly ended my marriage. If there is no other option buy a shitty old caravan and put her in the yard, but even then it’s not going to be pleasant.

Can you tell us what happened?