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Original poster

To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

738 replies

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Marosanne · 09/04/2025 00:00

I feel really stressed just reading this. NO, NO, NO, it's only going to get worse. You've got to stop this NOW.

anon666 · 08/04/2025 23:31

That sounds like hell. I'm not overly obsessed with boundaries, but your dh needs some pronto.

It's your house too!

Beautifulweeds · 08/04/2025 22:10

Hey, relatives we haven't bothered with forever have got a new big place we can go to for our holidays! Plus plenty of space for an extra one...

Defo too much but maybe the growing closer to his family is a benefit, albeit sudden because of your move.

Give boundaries for visits and moving in, firm.ones! Xx

Mrsbloggz · 08/04/2025 21:40

Well done for standing firm @Sp3849

GiveDogBone · 08/04/2025 21:36

My now ex-wife moved her mother in with us 6 months after we got married. We were divorced within a year.

it’s a red line, the sister or you. Frankly the caravan was a joke, she’d have been in your bathroom every day having a shower.

BakelikeBertha · 08/04/2025 21:25

When I first read your update about your DH telling his family that their plans were cancelled, and laying down the law about what you were both prepared to accept, I was really pleased.

However, now I've given it some thought, I'm afraid I still think that allowing her to move in, even for 6 months, will leave you with some major problems later on. For example, will your DH be able to bring himself to MAKE his sister move out if she hasn't got a job, and got herself sorted out, or will he feel sorry for her, and try and talk you into allowing her to stay on after all?

In your shoes I think I would need to discuss the situation with him in more depth, and tell him, that on reflection, you're still not happy with the solution you've come up with, and the likely reasons it wont work, pointing out that the whole thing is only likely to cause friction in your marriage, especially if his sister doesn't stick to the agreed plan, and this could prove to be extremely detrimental to your own DD's wellbeing.

Point out that you've both worked incredibly hard to get the home of your dreams, and that if you agree to his sister coming to stay, you're scared that it will ruin not only how you feel about your new home, but also how you feel about him.

Finally, I think that like others have suggested, it will be far better for everyone concerned if you pay a professional to come in and teach your DD the things that she needs to know, as if things don't work out, it will be MUCH easier to fire an outsider, than it will be for you to get rid of his DS when she ends up taking over with the horses, etc., and upsetting your DD,

Nextdoor55 · 08/04/2025 21:20

Sp3849 · 07/04/2025 22:58

Well they weren't happy. His mother and sister did not take it very well. They basically tried to make out they were thinking of my daughter and how beneficial it would be for her having her auntie there to help her. With us both working. She could tutor her privately and take her to competitions and she could collect her from school and take her to the beach. My husband just said as lovely as that sounded if she wants to do those things in her spare time ofcourse she can we have always wanted for them to be involved in our children's lives but she doesn't need to live with us to do that. She has never ever bothered with her. We lived close by and she never even had the time to visit so yeah that went down like a sh!t sandwich. They continued to try but he stood his ground. They were going to have a chat his mum mentioned her funding the caravan if they can get planning. Hubby just said well if she can't she can go rent somewhere or stay home. Sis was whining about she had quite her job. Hubby pointed out that had she spoken to us about it first or even involved is in her plans then she would have known not to quit her job. It all ended quite awkwardly.

I've got second hand pride for your DH. It's really sad that they treated him that way, he definitely deserves better. Poor guy, he's taken some power back & created boundaries, it'll help him I think.

Nextdoor55 · 08/04/2025 21:13

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 23:03

Honestly after this weekend I can see he is regretting it. I honestly don't think he thought about it properly. He just thought she would come stay for a bit get on her feet spend some time with our daughter and her horse and taking her to competitions and stuff. Which would be lovely and then move into her own place when she is on her feet. But it's quite apparent that is not the case now. She has spent the day redesigning the barn and throwing demands around. I just don't think he has the guts to say no. He has loved having them in his life and spending time with them. He is terrified they will stop bothering again. I really don't think he thought it through. I sat him down this evening and was like what did you expect? Your sister even though she is a woman has never lived on her own. She is far from independent. She has never left home. Her mum dad and siblings are her world. Her mum still cooks for her and does her washing. She I more like a teenager than a woman. Her and her mum and sister are very dependant on each others company. So they will be down every weekend too. She doesn't have a job now. Who is going to pay for her food or her horses food and shoes etc. Oh and today we were told she is also bringing her dog so the whole thing is just escalating. With no plan. It's a train wreck in the making. I am really hoping he sleeps on it and realises what he has agreed too

She's not going to sleep on it & change her mind. You'll have to change yours, tell them you've over extended & only agreed to a temporary arrangement in a caravan & this isn't what it looks like now.
They're welcome to visit when you mutually arrange it but.. & this is my favourite phrase..."it doesn't work for us" .

Muffinmam · 08/04/2025 21:12

Sp3849 · 08/04/2025 07:59

They pulled her out of school at 9 as they were worried about the worldly influence. The girl has no confidence and a ball of anxiety I feel sorry for her it's why I agreed to the caravan. She has not had the chance to have a life. But with her comes them. The stories I could tell you about the things they have done!

You do realise that she is moving in forever. She isn’t intending on getting a job and at some point she will be expecting (and her parents insisting) that she is paid for all of the “help” she’s giving your daughter.

WendyA22 · 08/04/2025 21:06

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

If you are having problems before she's moved in, how do you think you'll be able to get her out?

Johna69 · 08/04/2025 20:39

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

Don't let her move in,it you will never get rid of her.

Kelly1969 · 08/04/2025 20:25

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

Omg!
That would be a hard No from me!!
SIL is over stepping boundaries even with the caravan idea let alone living in your house!
what’s she moving from, is she freeloading off other family who are fed up with her?!
No to her moving herself and her horse in, and visits are by invite only!!

Blondie010 · 08/04/2025 20:15

Dinosweetpea · 06/04/2025 22:29

Don't let the sister move in. This has absolute disaster written all over it.
Noone will be enjoying your dream home if you get divorced....
Time to put your foot down.

Edited

That's way beyond unacceptable! They are absolutely taking the proverbial. Put your foot right down!

StoneofDestiny · 08/04/2025 20:14

What a nightmare. Personally I'd tell them you are putting your own home life, family and marriage first and cannot take on board anything or anyone else. Remind them when they lived close by they showed no interest in you or your family. I know you have a compromise of sorts, but I'd worry if one step is put over your threshold it will be permanent. Imagine how you get your SIL to leave after 6 months!

Gingerbreadmocha · 08/04/2025 19:54

Hum I have my horses at home with my daughter and I think this may be more about the SIL’s horse than has been said. Where is her horse kept now? I would guess she is paying a livery yard for a stable?

Finding a good yard with grazing and no horsey politics is difficult. Horses are expensive. It would not surprise me if this was about her finding a free long term stable and grazing for her horse. If that’s is a possibility be very careful she will not want to move her horse once it’s settled at yours.

As for helping your daughter I doubt that is the intention and it has the potential for the yard / horse area of your home to become SIL’s domain rather than your daughter’s as she is already calling the shots regarding fencing and the barn area.

This is the dream for most horsey people, PIL and SIL have seen the opportunity to live that lifestyle for free hence the rush to move both her and the horse in. The horse being with you will make it extra difficult to get her to move on after a while.

Ladymeade · 08/04/2025 19:54

No no no and no again! OML.......

Doubledenim305 · 08/04/2025 19:51

MayaPinion · 06/04/2025 22:48

Nope nope nope. She is not to move into the house - you’ll never get rid of her. If you both agree to her living in a caravan buy her one off FB marketplace for a few grand and stick it in an uncomfortable corner, but once she’s in you’re never going to get rid. You’ll have the whole family down living with you in no time. Have you asked her how long she plans to stay? I’d keep asking that. Ultimately though, it’s a DH problem. He needs to manage his family’s expectations - but she should not be allowed to get too comfortable. Have you talked about her paying rent? If she’s expecting to live there for free she’ll never leave.

Or don't have her on the land at all

perfectlyimperfectt · 08/04/2025 19:50

Unfortunately if you want your marriage to survive and to actually enjoy this dream house, you need to grow a backbone and put your foot down. Your husband also. This has divorce written all over it.

You need to act now before she moves in. Once she’s in, it’ll be 10x harder to remove her.

WiddlinDiddlin · 08/04/2025 19:47

IF she does come to stay temporarily (and hopefully seeing its not the free ride she was hoping for, she won't)...

Start out as you mean to go on - like she's a young teenager tbh - don't ASK her to do things, tell her. Don't let her be under any illusion as to what is expected of her wrt chores/jobs/financial responsibilities.

'We're ordering hay, how much do you need, I can only order it for you if you pay for it immediately'...

'You haven't paid for hay, so your horse doesn't get any and if I find haynets in her stable or field, I will remove them'.

She will think you'll be a soft touch about animals, don't be! 'If you can't pay to feed/take care of your horse you'll need to sign her over to us and we will sell her to repay your debts'.

Do not pussy foot around, put the fear of god into her that you absolutely will do this (I'd have her sign a contract that says she understands her horse will be taken to pay off her debts if necessary).

As the property/land owner, you carry some responsibility for the animals that live on it, even if they're not yours. So if her horse is starving/pathological feet/untreated medical issues and you're demonstrably aware of this or reasonably should have been... and do nothing, you can be in the shit. So make sure she can't land that on you!

StrangerThings1 · 08/04/2025 19:44

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

He should have consulted you before telling her she could move in so now he needs to be the one to tell her there is a time limit on it and this needs to be said to her before she moves in, can HE also look at rentals / spare rooms / house shares in the area to get an idea if anything exists that would be suitable for her, also make a plan for the spare room so that it is not so readily available for guests

Retiredfromearlyyears · 08/04/2025 19:41

Ooooft! This is a loaded gun! You're DH has got himself into this situation. He now has to put it right! Tell him,no one is moving into your home or onto your land. It won't work. Time to choose! It's you or them. Tell him if you are forced into leaving then undoubtedly the new property will need to be sold to give you both a modest place to live. You have to be firm on this. Is there somewhere you could stay even short term to give you both thinking space. ? It's a difficult situation but stand firm

laraitopbanana · 08/04/2025 19:26

Hi,

back off the sister moving in now, hurry, BECAUSE of the set of financial support expected…for her horse. How do you think it will be for her??
Also, if the sis moves in, the in laws will come in anytime the week as she will offer access to them. Do not think that she will ask… not only the house, she will offer access to your daughter.

it is bad news written all over the place. Cancel, cancel, cancel.

I am really thinking, your hubby kind did u one here. He knew perfectly they would just do that and he was desperate to get it. He will probably not back out the in laws there every week…he finally got mum and dad’s attention. No way he will leave that.

Good luck op.

JustMeAndTheFish · 08/04/2025 19:20

The answer was yes before even reading your post.

llizzie · 08/04/2025 19:11

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 08/04/2025 18:50

She’s not a tenant, she’s a lodger. She has no right of occupancy and can be asked to leave at any time. If OP absolutely has to do it I would formalise it with a lodgers agreement drawn up by a legal professional. But in the main l agree with you. I would insist on the whole thing being called off or the marriage is at an end. To do anything like this on a verbal agreement and expect long time piss takers to honour it is folly.

Edited
Show quote history
  1. Written Notice to Quit:
Lodger Agreement: If you have a written lodger agreement, the notice period should be specified in that agreement.

No Written Agreement:
If there's no written agreement, you must provide "reasonable notice" to end the letting. This usually means the length of the rental payment period (e.g., one month if rent is paid monthly).

Form of Notice:
While notice can be given verbally, it's always best to give it in writing to avoid any disputes.

  1. Following the Notice Period:
Lodger Leaves: If the lodger leaves by the date specified in the notice, the process is complete.

Lodger Refuses to Leave:
If the lodger refuses to leave after the notice period, you'll need to get a court order to evict them.

Evilwitchwhoroams · 08/04/2025 19:06

Obvnotthegolden · 06/04/2025 22:47

This is awful, you're like a lobster being slowly boiled and you don't even see it.

The caravan idea was a test, why would she bother to do that when you agreed so easily.

Don't let her move in, the whole family are users and your DH is enabling him to the detriment of the rest of you.

This!!!!!!