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Original poster

To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

738 replies

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP posts:
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WiddlinDiddlin · 10/04/2025 03:56

Result!

But yeah, they're deeply upset that you've spotted their game, realised they are absolutely intending on freeloading off you with no real interest or care in you as people or a family.

So now they can't play that game, they're off. Good riddance to 'em!

LAMPS1 · 10/04/2025 03:29

they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us
They absolutely WERE sponging off you. Typical reaction of a bully to play the victim once their bad behaviour is objected to. They can be deeply offended all they like but they are still quids in at the bank after you have paid for all their meals weekend after weekend and after doing fencing work for SIL’s horse etc.
Furthermore, they would have continued to sponge off you had DH not put a halt to it. Good for you both.

and would rather not speak to us for a while.
Yes because they need to get over their deep shame but haven’t got the humility to even recognise it or to apologise for having taken you for granted. Instead they are sulking because it’s easier to pretend to feel wronged - and hoping their son will cave in, forget how they have wronged him in the past and apologise for upsetting them. Absolutely not.

There has definitely been a shift in the balance of power now they have thrown their toys out of the pram. Your husband now has the upper hand and can make the decisions as to if and when to invite them, -after a decent interval of them licking their wounds.
Between you, you can decide how it’s going to be with them in the future and what sort of relationship you have with them. You can now lay down the boundaries and make sure they stick to them. Rightly so.

I think you have dodged a bullet with SIL though. She needs serious help to become independent and you have enough on your hands at home to take her on. It’s very clear her parents were delighted to be offloading her onto you so that’s an excellent result that they have withdrawn their offer to sponge off you even more!

montelbano · 10/04/2025 01:34

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Well done, OP. Seems like all their best laid plans have come to naught. They now have to continue to support their now jobless daughter. Serves them right for trying to bulldoze you and your DP.
I would spend a few hours redecorating your spare room to your taste. Do you know if they have keys to your home? If they do, I would change the locks just as a precaution,
Have an enjoyable, peaceful Easter in your new home.

llizzie · 09/04/2025 23:53

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 22:31

Oh come on, a mortgage company is not going to know if a relative moves in and pays a little towards bills/ food, you wouldn’t need to get their express permission for this

Show quote history

You couldn't be more wrong. I put my experience on my post. Why you should think I am wrong shows that you are just spiteful.

If you have a mortgage, ask the lender if you can move someone in. Then ask your house insurers the same thing.

llizzie · 09/04/2025 23:51

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

What a relief that must be for you. Offended? I doubt it.

BobbySox71 · 09/04/2025 23:35

Talkinrubbishagain · 09/04/2025 20:26

As a ‘horsey’ person , you will find that there are plenty of people / children very willing to help out and advise. Your daughter will soon make friends. She doesn’t need her Aunt.

I agree, even if the op has to hire a trainer to help with dd and pony it will be easier and cheaper in the long run. I haven’t read all the replies but I’m sure the op is not new to horses herself and is not going in blind either. Trust your instincts, have a good vet who will advise you on worming programs , nutrition etc and an outside trainer for everything else.

FrippEnos · 09/04/2025 23:33

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Well done, this is the best result that you could get.
Just be careful when they start contact again, as this will be weaponised.

Absolutemelt · 09/04/2025 23:31

MayaPinion · 06/04/2025 22:48

Nope nope nope. She is not to move into the house - you’ll never get rid of her. If you both agree to her living in a caravan buy her one off FB marketplace for a few grand and stick it in an uncomfortable corner, but once she’s in you’re never going to get rid. You’ll have the whole family down living with you in no time. Have you asked her how long she plans to stay? I’d keep asking that. Ultimately though, it’s a DH problem. He needs to manage his family’s expectations - but she should not be allowed to get too comfortable. Have you talked about her paying rent? If she’s expecting to live there for free she’ll never leave.

Best answer

Ohnobackagain · 09/04/2025 23:19

@Sp3849 may not feel like it to your DH now but he (and you) had a very lucky escape. But you know that. They were using him to sort out his sister. And using your hard work getting your house in order, too.

Stand firm and don’t re-offer the caravan either - she’ll wiggle in to your lives and be a nightmare!

Silverstars21 · 09/04/2025 23:12

Please don't worry. They will eventually understand it's the best decision for all concerned. 😊

Streaaa · 09/04/2025 23:04

What a fantastic result.
Take the space and reflect on the narrow escape you have had.
Thank goodness for that.

CheeseeesyWotsits · 09/04/2025 22:54

Well done OP and husband. Big relief.

You can sleep well tonight.

WendyA22 · 09/04/2025 22:54

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Every cloud...

MsDitsy · 09/04/2025 22:51

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Good result. I hope your husband can see thst this was an unhealthy relationship based on their greed. I'm absolutely certain the tension would have deeply affected your daughter. I hope you are relieved and don't start second guessing yourself, you really did do the right thing. I wish you all every happiness in your home.

Doubledenim305 · 09/04/2025 22:50

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Wonderful news.
Problem sorted...that was a narrow escape!
Fantastic result.

rainingsnoring · 09/04/2025 22:47

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Great result! the spongers don't like the fact that you have called them out.

Tweedled · 09/04/2025 22:42

Hooray - and breathe OP.
You have your life back and your house back.
No more worries about that sponging lot and no more despair about how your lives were going to change massively and not for the best.
Well done, great teamwork from you and your husband.

shewasasaint · 09/04/2025 22:41

Enjoy the peace, OP.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 09/04/2025 22:41

Result!

Offended they've been called out on their behaviour ... but take the win!

Codlingmoths · 09/04/2025 22:40

What wonderful news, enjoy your dream home!!

Silvers11 · 09/04/2025 22:36

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

YAYYY!! Result. Well done to you and your DH for sticking to your guns @Sp3849 .

Don't back down if they change their minds again. They obviously think that them not wanting to speak to you for a while is a threat which will bring you both back into line. Sometimes we have to let Toxic family members go and accept that we can never have a decent relationship with them. I hope your husband can manage to do this without regret. With counselling if it would help him?

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 22:31

llizzie · 09/04/2025 19:49

With apologies if I missed it, but do you have a mortgage on the property?

If you do, your mortgage lender will not allow you to have lodgers or tenants without their express permission.

If you do not have a mortgage, perhaps you could apply for a small one and tell the SIL that she cannot move in while a mortgage loan is pending.

It could settle the problem for now. If you don't have a mortgage and you allow your SIL to move in as a lodger you will not be able to get rid of her without a court order if she stays longer than the agreement.

If you do have a mortgage, tell her that the lender refuses to give permission (lie if you have to) in case the lodger refuses to leave and their investment in you property is at risk.

You will have to seek the permission of your house insurance, because she needs to be covered on the house policy for liability. Your insurance will go up. They will not insure her possessions.

You have those ways to tell her NO. Use them.

I am disabled, and have had to ask permission in case my carer has to stay overnight. Even that cannot be done without permission.

Also, I had to seek permission from my house insurers, and they stipulate that I cannot have a lodger to live in and charge rent. It has to be no payment changes hands.

Show quote history

Oh come on, a mortgage company is not going to know if a relative moves in and pays a little towards bills/ food, you wouldn’t need to get their express permission for this

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 22:28

Sp3849 · 07/04/2025 22:32

Well the response on this has been phenomenal. We sat down this evening and had a further chat. He agreed with my concerns and said he had been feeling the same. There has been alot happen all of a sudden and he also feels railroaded.He is aware of what his family is doing. He is also aware they are using him. We made a plan and rules and he phoned his parents and spoke with them and his sister he asked me to be there. He spoke I listened and he told them basically we didn't agree to her moving into the house she was supposed to be getting a caravan. She has quit her job and you have just announced she is moving in. We never agreed to it. We have had a chat and decided She can come and stay in the house but she must work and contribute for 6 months and her time is then up. She can't move in until she secured a job. We aren't feeding her or cleaning up after her. She wants new life to get on her feet we will give her that chance. But that is exactly what it is a chance to start over and be independent. If she hasn't got her caravan or planning and sorted her stuff out as to moving on after 6 months tough that's her limit. Her horse can come and stay in the fields he has done the fencing but no more. If she can't afford to look after it then that's her problem. If she is unhappy with stabling then find somewhere else. He told them they aren't coming down every weekend it will be once every 6 weeks his sister can go back to visit them. If she comes and she is at all freeloading she is out. The dog stays back home. They can't come down anymore continually to prepare as she is staying temporarily so nothing to prepare for. He has promised me he will stick to his guns. I have told him if we aren't united on this we will end up divorced because i won't put up with it. I did really think he would side with them as he is so desperate for Thier love and approval but he completely agreed. I know them and I will be very surprised if she comes now. But if she does it will be on our terms

Well done to both you and your husband for being firm…..His parents took this girl out of school and now she seems like a very dependent girl who should not become your problem, her parents need to help her gain some confidence and independence in some other ways

Squigglesandgiggles · 09/04/2025 22:24

they Are nuts

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AstoriaWaldorfSalad · 09/04/2025 22:20

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Oh shame.

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