Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

738 replies

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
WithoutACherryOnTheTop · 10/04/2025 08:46

Thank goodness for that. That is a bullet well and truly dodged and, when she tries in two seconds to retract her decision not to come down, stick to your guns like a limpet. Horses are tricky grazers and require quite a bit of field maintenance ... I am guessing SIL would not be doing that. Nor any yard maintenance. I am guessing you are now in Cornwall (the mention of beach riding and suddenly becoming the most popular place for your in-laws to come and stay) - it's not so easy to find horse based jobs down here as quite a lot of people are already doing it, so having your SIL and then your daughter find one isn't quite so simple and if your SIL is removed from the equation then that is one less person in competition.

Personally I would find her a space on a nice, friendly livery yard (such beasts do exist!) where there is scope for sharing transports to competitions (some also have competitions onsite), friends to hack with and also more experienced equestrians to help if you have any issues. Then, once you are comfortable with how it is working where you are, maybe move into your own land/stables then, though you will need a companion pony for your daughters - plenty of charities will be able to help.

Good luck and I really, really hope you keep them out - I'd be sprinkling holy water round the perimeter and hanging a crucifix over the doors :)

TammyJones · 10/04/2025 08:46

Hdjdb42 · 10/04/2025 07:38

They're offended because you set some boundaries and conditions, like a healthy person! They're sad that they couldn't walk all over you both! Their automatic response is to have a tantrum and threaten you both with silence! Very manipulative behaviour on their part.

Show quote history

Exactly
it’s funny really.
what is their definition of sponging ?
they wanted you to provide a home / room/ electric/ water/ food / a barn/ horse food / vet bills/ dog food ,for someone with no income.

TammyJones · 10/04/2025 08:40

MsDitsy · 09/04/2025 22:51

Good result. I hope your husband can see thst this was an unhealthy relationship based on their greed. I'm absolutely certain the tension would have deeply affected your daughter. I hope you are relieved and don't start second guessing yourself, you really did do the right thing. I wish you all every happiness in your home.

Show quote history

Absolutely.
well done everyone.
stick to your guns.
enjoy your wonderful new home.

AnxietyJane · 10/04/2025 08:20

Brilliant update OP. They were found out. That deeply offended feeling for most people would be called shame and embarrassment, but for them, probably anger that they can't control you both to suit their own interests. They were 1000 percent sponging and now they are using emotional manipulation to shift the blame instead of owning what they did. Horrible.

It wouldn't surprise me if they try to worm their way in to your lovely house and life again in future. Would avoid them like the plague. Feel sorry for your DH but you both sound like you've created a lovely secure family of your own.

SatsumaDog · 10/04/2025 08:13

So relieved to see your update. Not you just need to stand your ground, because I bet they will continue to try and manipulate you if you give them a chance.

theoriginalpinkpowerranger · 10/04/2025 07:56

I would call this the best outcome!

Strictlymad · 10/04/2025 07:54

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

I’d call that a win! Enjoy your peace in your new house! They will be fine in the long run, nobody died from being miffed. Look after your dh op, it still must be hard for him

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/04/2025 07:51

winner Winner! Now stand firm

Daisyhon · 10/04/2025 07:49

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Great ! Let them be deeply offended , family dynamics are complicated no doubt but at the end of the day those freeloaders can find another mug to put up with them .

Hdjdb42 · 10/04/2025 07:38

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

They're offended because you set some boundaries and conditions, like a healthy person! They're sad that they couldn't walk all over you both! Their automatic response is to have a tantrum and threaten you both with silence! Very manipulative behaviour on their part.

VoodooQualities · 10/04/2025 07:26

That is called fraud.
And mortgage companies are not at all fond of it.
It is also called 'obtaining pecuniary advantage' and carries a maximum of five years in prison.

What? Can you tell us some more about this? I rented out my spare room for years when I had a mortgage, are you telling me I could have gone to prison for 5 years??

Google tells me that 'obtaining pecuniary advantage' hasn't been law since 2006, but I rented my spare room out before then.

Pippyls67 · 10/04/2025 07:22

Shinyandnew1 · 06/04/2025 23:09

Oh and today we were told she is also bringing her dog so the whole thing is just escalating.

If she has a dog, then surely this wasn't a massive surprise!?

It’s more a case of she’s bringing her families dog as she still lives at home remember.

ThejoyofNC · 10/04/2025 07:12

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Proof that they never had any interest in you, only in what they can take from you.

SpainToday · 10/04/2025 07:11

Brilliant news OP! Is your DH relieved too?

Thoughtsonstuff · 10/04/2025 07:05

WooleyMunky · 10/04/2025 05:51

That is called fraud.
And mortgage companies are not at all fond of it.
It is also called 'obtaining pecuniary advantage' and carries a maximum of five years in prison.

Show quote history

Which country are you in? Are you just muddled up with tax avoidance?

Thoughtsonstuff · 10/04/2025 07:01

What does your DH feel about this? Is he OK?

It does expose their true motives though. You laid down some perfectly reasonable and sensible ground rules that any normal person would to protect themselves and their reaction is to not speak to you any more; presumably the real reason is that you aren't any use to them if you aren't providing the house. It's very sad for your DH to have those sorts of parents but it's probably for the best that they don't get too involved in your lives.

Edit. That is hilarious though that she isn't coming because you said it could only be for 6 months, that she needed a job and that she had to do her own washing and cook her own food. Age 30. The plan really was that she was going to be sponging off you!!!! For ever!!

thepariscrimefiles · 10/04/2025 07:00

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Oh no! I bet you're gutted! What a great outcome. Your SIL isn't moving in and your in-laws aren't speaking to you. Well done!

MaggieBsBoat · 10/04/2025 06:55

I am very proud of you and DH. This is like a masterclass in dealing with CFers. You and DH could do an AMA, we are CFer whisperers. Well done!

MeAndMyGhost · 10/04/2025 06:32

Result! And breathe.

You must feel as if a weight has been lifted.

WooleyMunky · 10/04/2025 05:51

StrangerThings1 · 09/04/2025 22:31

Oh come on, a mortgage company is not going to know if a relative moves in and pays a little towards bills/ food, you wouldn’t need to get their express permission for this

Show quote history

That is called fraud.
And mortgage companies are not at all fond of it.
It is also called 'obtaining pecuniary advantage' and carries a maximum of five years in prison.

Willandra · 10/04/2025 05:26

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Awesome! Great result.

They are right about one thing, there is no need to insinuate they are spongers. They are spongers. Dickheads.

And now they are not speaking to you? Good, back to normal, just like before when you didn't have a place they wanted to sponge off, then?

God, I'd be sending them a box full of sponges.

TheMerryWidow1 · 10/04/2025 05:24

Of course they were sponging off you, sister gave up her job! Who did she think would pay for her if she wasn’t working. Great result op, enjoy your home and family xx

Swiftie1878 · 10/04/2025 04:56

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

For ‘offended’ read ‘embarrassed to have been caught out in their CFery’.
Great result. Let them stew.
If a relationship with them re-develops you (as a family) will be in a much better position to uphold boundaries and make sure it works for you.

👏👏👏👏

Livingbytheocean · 10/04/2025 04:56

It just goes to show that all of their pretend interest suddenly was self serving. They only wanted to see you for their own benefit. Anyone else would have apologised for the misunderstanding and offered reassurance thst your decision is fine with them. It’s extraordinary that they have decided not to speak to you for ‘a while’; Now theyvare trying to punish you both for your defiance!

Leave them to it - they can come crawling back when they have finished their tantrum. Astonishingly poor behaviour from people that should know better.

I hope dh feels okay, it’s really miserable having manipulative and toxic parents, how disappointing for him that they have behaved so poorly.

Xcellentaligat · 10/04/2025 04:05

Sp3849 · 09/04/2025 22:17

Well after a phone call to say she is no longer coming they are deeply offended that we are insinuating that they are sponging of us and have decided not to bother they are deeply offended and would rather not speak to us for a while.

Well done, that couldn’t have worked out any better. 👏