To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

You need to call a screeching halt to this madness and tell the ILs that the house is not a hotel.

What utter leeches.

Your H needs to back you up.

This...if you ask she will give an answer that suits " oh don't worry dps are helping me out with money" then she's in and Bang! "Oh i miss understood"...blah blah...no just get hubby to tell her to stay were she is, or if he can't you tell her, I would! Because it's not like you care if you see them again.

They do need to be told and give permission for a lodger or tenant who is staying for longer than a short visit. Look it up.

If you had a mortgage you would know that. If you had house insurance, the same applies, and you should know that, too.

There are very good reasons for that.

There is a liability on the owner of the property if the 'lodger or tenant' have an accident while they are staying for longer than a couple of weeks holiday. If you do not inform either or both, then you will not be covered for any accident they have. It could result in your losing your property.

If a lodger/tenant steals from you, it is unlikely you would be covered by insurance.

There are more reasons. The mortgage lender has the right to foreclose on the house if you do not inform them that someone else is living on the property. Same with insurance.

I am insisting on nothing. I just copied the information given on the internet, and if you are still wondering, I suggest you look it up yourself.

I am fed up with people calling me out for things they can easily look up themselves. It is a nasty habit to insult and degrade. I was criticised by someone for copying and pasting, but that is the only way you can be sure that the wording is absolutely right.

And I am also right about the house insurance and the mortgage lender who do demand to be informed if anyone else comes to live in the house other than as a guest for holiday.

That is a glorious win op!!

now draw a line in the sand and decide that you will never allow them to cross the boundary again. And as for them not speaking to you and dh - good riddance!!

I don't think they were offloading the damaged SIL onto you, they made her damaged and they kept her damaged because it suited them. They never wanted her independent. I think they were using her, same as they've always used her, this time as a "way in" for them to move themselves into your home. At first as s holiday home for weekends and later as old age and infirmity set in, they'd return home less and less until eventually they'd simply never go home and then they'd sell their house and use your home as as a care home for themselves, with you as the carer and DH bankrolling it all.

I really wouldn't invite them back again until they've apologised. Of course it'll be an insincere apology, but it needs to happen. Otherwise they'll view the situation as they acted offended and sulked, then you eventually caved in and swept it all under the carpet in order to continue having a relationship with them. Don't allow them to press the reset button like this, it gives them back the power. It won't help any future relationship with them if they think they punished you by withdrawing affections until you agreed to let it go.

Be frosty if they phone and leave the phone call early, essentially don't give them the time of day until they've apologised. That way you let them know that if they want to be around you, they have to at least behave on the surface as if they were normal half-decent human beings. Even though you'll always know that deep down they aren't.

Regarding the latest communication from the grifters I think you should reply 'can I have that in writing'
Actually don't reply at all, after a while they will start sending out communications trying to prompt you to beg them to get back in touch. Just keep ignoring them!

Great result. Well done, and all best to your DH - now he needs professional help to deal with the fallout of his childhood.

Just want to congratulate OP and her husband on a great result. I feel that your relationship will be that much stronger for all this. You stood together and you helped him stand up to his awful family.

Oh yes @Pompompowder they'll blame the Op alright but she's adamant this isn't happening and not open to their emotionsl blackmail. I hope her DH has seen the light and won't let them change his mind

@SpainToday

I meant for her daughter, not her CF SIL! She said about getting her DD her own horse so I was just giving a twopennenceworth on that. Hopefully the SIL and her horse will be a good county or so away :)

SpainToday · Today 09:17

Personally I would find her a space on a nice, friendly livery yard (such beasts do exist!) where there is scope for sharing transports to competitions (some also have competitions onsite), friends to hack with and also more experienced equestrians to help if you have any issues. Then, once you are comfortable with how it is working where you are, maybe move into your own land/stables then, though you will need a companion pony for your daughters - plenty of charities will be able to help.
Noooooooooo!!!! None of this is the OP's problem to solve **

No they won’t . They will take it out on the poster as she will be the bitch who pulls his strings. I’ve been in a similar situation. I got the blame because they were used to snapping their fingers and DH jumping . I only hope OP and DH stick to their guns because if they don’t it will break them as a couple.

You were lined up as the perfect mugs to off load their dd on to you indefinitely. They are annoyed because their plan was not successful.

Your dh is vulnerable to their guilt trips, so he needs to ask himself if they are behaving like this to support and care for him? Or if their behaviour is motivated by self interest. Encourage him to become a third person and look at the situation neutrally.

Be prepared Op, your nasty Inlaws may see this as a stand off and be waiting for an apology, when they don't get it they'll try to take it out on your DH. He's done marvellously, don't let them get to him

Your poor DH. I hope he’s doing ok, it’s going to be hard having it laid out so bare for him even though it’s the right outcome.

That is a fantastic result! I hope your DH is feeling OK, I know he is unlikely to see it this way.

Hope you're not too upset!

I see they are following the script and adopting the position of the injured party. Therefore they never need to apologise and can bask in their sense of umbrage. Very predictable and unpleasant but definitely much better than them agreeing to the conditions and then reneging later. You would then have had SIL plus her horse (and any others she thought to acquire) fully dependent on you and not going anywhere.

I hope that your DH doesn’t take this posturing to heart. They are just furious to have been thwarted and SIL is disappointed that she can’t have exactly what she wants.

I suspect that the lure of the holiday location will draw them back when the dust settles. You might permit them by invitation and on your terms if you actually want to do so. Your DH shouldn’t apologise as it will just play into the old dynamic and he hasn’t actually done anything wrong! They might push for it though! I really commend you for sticking to your guns and clearly communicating to your DH. Also him for listening to you and taking action. It is incredibly difficult to stand up to your family and he got the best results given what he was dealing with.

Translation of the in-laws last message:

”How DARE you accuse us of sponging?! All we were doing was dumping your sister on you, demanding you build the stable of her dreams on your dime, cover all her living expenses and gradually move in with you ourselves! We weren’t going to sponge, we fully expected you to move out eventually and leave the place to us!”

Very glad to hear that things are on hold for now. I hope they don't try again.
I think it was a mistake to keep saying that her horse could stay in the field/ barn (for free?) and to keep open the option of a future caravan. If the place you live in is their 'dream holiday destination' then surely they're likely to next decide that they want to install some kind of holiday cabin on your land?

On a separate note, I'm wondering why @llizzie keeps insisting that you'd need a court order to evict a lodger. This is definitely NOT the case for a lodger who lives with you inside your home (where there are communal rooms used by both of you - such as living rooms, kitchens etc), where they don't have exclusive possession of their bedroom (ie there's no legal reason why you cannot enter it).

There was a reason your husband left home at 17. His instincts were right then and I think you've both done the right thing now. 👏🏼

Sounds like a win

Personally I would find her a space on a nice, friendly livery yard (such beasts do exist!) where there is scope for sharing transports to competitions (some also have competitions onsite), friends to hack with and also more experienced equestrians to help if you have any issues. Then, once you are comfortable with how it is working where you are, maybe move into your own land/stables then, though you will need a companion pony for your daughters - plenty of charities will be able to help.

Noooooooooo!!!! None of this is the OP's problem to solve @WithoutACherryOnTheTop

Don’t be ridiculous, as if mortgage companies have the time to go after all homeowners have relatives to stay for a length of time
Many many people around the world put up relatives from time to time ( some contribute financially) and nothing happens, they are guests

That must have been very hard for your dh. I hope he is feeling ok. And well done both of you