To feel uncomfortable that my boyfriend’s best friend is a woman he used to sleep with?

i could be that friend, I have a best friend that I briefly dated. We didn’t work as a couple for reasons but got on so well that we remained friends and overtime got closer.
We message pretty regularly, meet up when we can etc.

I would happily meet any of his future partners and would introduce him to mine.

if your uncomfortable with it then ask to meet her or tag along. Judge the vibe for yourself. I would also ask why things didn’t work with them, did they date, was it a relationship, how long did they sleep together for?

I don’t think either opinion is wrong but it’s about compatibility and trust. you can ask him to cut back etc but that could be seen as controlling or dictating who he can be friends with. I would possibly cut back on one on one time but for messaging etc then no. I would also happily share the messages with my partner and bring them along.

if he’s hiding things or refusing to let you both meet then I would worry that he’s hiding something. But unless you speak to him and explain how you feel and get his reaction you’ll never know.

You either trust him or don't. If you don't, then it would be best for everyone to not move further with the relationship.

I am good friends with my ex. Great sex, good company but too dramatic and immature to have a relationship with - was always casual. Had a period of not talking for 6 months then we bumped into each other and never stoped chatting.

my DP knows he is fine with it and will chat to him about football but are different people so would not be natural friends, but gets on because of me.

I've been betrayed in a "she's just a friend" situation before, so it's a no from me.

Duplicate post

You can't control him

Just walk away.
This is clearly an unfinished business of his. It will destroy all your confidence, if you accept to become the third wheel.
Do not ask him to stop contact with her. It is just the first chip on your self image.
Just leave him. And block him.
He wants to play two women against each other. That is what makes him happy. Watching you beg for his attention, beg to be the favourite.

If this was the other way round and a woman posted to say their male partner wanted them to end their friendship with a male best mate everyone would be going mental about how he is controlling etc etc. Anyone who would be happy to make the person they 'love' lose a best friend does not deserve that person. It makes you look incredibly insecure and needy. She was around way before you were so I'd tread carefully. Relationships don't always last but friendships usually do.

I wouldn’t like it either. Follow your instincts.

Same here, was at it for years on and off - have helped each other through some rough tines - wouldn't do it now for a million quid - since l met dh actually. Still mates though. Would hate for dh to say l can't be mates with him.

I’m not a jealous type and I have good self worth but I just wouldn’t feel comfortable with this. If they found each other attractive enough to shag and are now friends and enjoy each others company then I would bow out of this for my own sanity.

I totally get how you feel but I have a male bf and we have known each other since we were 12. Once in our teens and briefly in our 20s we slept together. It never worked for us to have a relationship but we love each other as friends. All these years on there is no world in which we would ever be intimate again but we are best friends. DH totally understands and there’s no issue at all. Bf has had partners that understood and those who didn’t but the ones who didn’t never lasted. You’ve been together a year but I’m guessing the friendship is much older. If you want your relationship to last you can’t tell him who he can be friends with and you need trust. If you can’t trust him then it’s not going to last anyway. So I’d really think about this long and hard before telling him it’s her or you. You might not like the answer.

I wouldn't like this situation, but also wouldn't feel fair telling him who he can be friends with. It's tough. I'd probably end it.

I don't think there is a comprehensive answer really. Your boundaries are very personal to you and just because someone else feels differently it doesn't mean how you feel is wrong.

I have been in this situation and I think it only really works if there's an openess in their friendship. This isn't just a female friend it's a close friend and he's slept with her. If he involves you in aspects of the friendship that's one thing but if you feel the third wheel then absolutely not. Just be careful this isn't triangulation. Some men just feel validated by female attention even if there's nothing going and it's a form of gaslighting.

I stayed friends with an ex. He decided he felt like we were more friends. I was a bit upset initially, mainly because I was carrying baggage from a previous nasty breakup. But we did get on really well and had a similar sense of humour. We also did the same sport. Plus I was moving back to his area, didn’t know people, and was meeting friends through him. So we still met up and I went out to the pub with him. His following girlfriends weren’t overly impressed with me, despite my being friendly towards them. I never ever felt the desire to get back with him. He once asked me and I said no, he’d been right, we were better as friends. He was a bloody nightmare with women, he always had a few on the go behind his girlfriend ’s backs. Seriously I was the least of their worries! Eventually we both met long term partners who could cope with our friendship. We both went to each other’s weddings. Twenty years on I don’t see as much of him as I used to. My husband probably sees him more than me.

I would think if they wanted to be each other they would, so I don't think it would bother me that much if I felt secure in the relationship

Why would they stay friends with an arsehole?

I'm friends with some of my exes. I'd rather have a new boyfriend than lose their friendship. I don't want a boyfriend who thinks I would lie and cheat behind their back anyway.

Tell him to find other friends that are not his ex. That’s fair enough in a relationship.

Nope. Friends are everywhere in life. Theres no value in staying close friends with someone you used to shag on the regular.

So what's changed recently if it didn't bother you for a year, or have you only just found out?

I doubt VERY much whether he'll stop seeing her or even messaging her OP. If it makes you feel that uncomfortable, (which I really can understand), I think you'd do better to end the relationship, and look for someone who doesn't have a female best friend, as all too often it leads to major rows and insecurities, which is totally understandable in my opinion.

They did say they dated - they said they had sex. So no “splitting” involved.

Some women just like keeping old lovers in their social 'rotation'. Hard rains are gonna fall etc... good for backup.

But usually only if the guy is still into them. Power is heady. Rarely if he was an arsehole or hurt her.

I find it baffling that you find it baffling that people can be friends even if they had sex in the past.