To feel uncomfortable that my boyfriend’s best friend is a woman he used to sleep with?

Two of my best and closest friends were ex-boyfriends. We were friends for decades after we split and the friendship only ended on their deaths.

If a newish partner had expressed unease at these close friendships, it would have rung massive alarm bells. If they had asked me to "dial things back" with regard to those friendships, I'd have been very resistant to it.

If they'd continued to express disquiet, I'd have told them to grow up or fuck off.

Neither of their partners were bothered by our friendship either.

Some people are. I am one of those who have had no issues with boyfriends being friends with exes. I also have a close male friend that I used to date. There is nothing sexual between us anymore so I know it's definitely possible.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong with this. It’s very character dependent. However, if you’re uncomfortable with it it’s ok to feel and say that. He then has the choice to decide what is more important to him.

Meanwhile, back in the real world,nobody would be cool with that set up.

Nope. Wouldn't be cool with that. I'd be off.

It’s not always something to worry about.

One of my best friends is a man who I dated in on and off fashion from mid teens-early 20’s. More off than on.

We message regularly but now, both being married with families and jobs, free time is scarce, so we tend to meet with our spouses as a four. We all get along really well.

We’ve been good friends to each other over the years since our youthful on/off phase, it’s ancient history. He has never been so happy as he is with wife, I’m the same with my husband.

You can't control who he's friends with but you would not be in the wrong to leave him because of this. If he's leaving you to go and spend time with a woman he's previously fancied and been intimate with, that's a problem. I think the only situation that it might be ok is if they were long term friends, slept together once as a mistake, then went back to being friends with nothing sexual happening since. It's not really about if you trust him or not, it's him potentially putting you second to another woman when you're his partner.

This is a you problem OP, don't be insecure and jealous. Unless you suspect / evidence they are sleeping together. Then dump his ass.

It's fine for you to leave the relationship because you are not comfortable with his friend, but it's not fine to tell him who he can be friends with. As you can see on this thread, plenty of women would be OK with their boyfriend being friends with someone they have slept with in the past so he has every chance of meeting someone like that instead and then he can keep his friendship. It's a compatibility issue and it's a substantial one.

I think that's over simplistic to say they're 'the least to fear' because the relationship wasn't 'viable'. It assumes that they mutually agreed they were better being just friends. In reality that's pretty rare. Generally couples spilt either because they no longer want to be around each other (so no desire for friendship) or because one doesn't want the relationship. Its very common for this to result in a 'friendship' which for one is settling for something as better than nothing, while still wanting more and holding out hope, and the other enjoying the ego boost and security of a person they've rejected for a relationship still being there for them. Unfortunately the OP doesn't know which is the case and her bf is hardly likely to tell her if he was left heart broken, and is being Johnny on the spot in case the woman ever changes her mind. These situations cause a lot of uncertainty, and there's no reason why the OP should stay in a relationship with something like this chipping away if she doesn't want to. Most men do not have a best friend they used to sleep with, so she has alternatives. He on the other hand is unlikely to have a queue of women delighted by his situation.

This is a you problem. He’s been honest with you and upfront on the relationship, you had a chance to say you don’t like it and walk away. You can be upset or uncomfortable about it that is understandable but you can’t tell him he can’t be friends with someone.

You don’t get to apply blanket rules to ‘people’. No one is asking YOU to suddenly not be OK with it, but you don’t get to tell another woman to be OK with it otherwise she’s jealous and irrational.

Neither is it irrational or jealous if your previous partners were uncomfortable with you being besties with exes. It’s their marker of whether you were a decent partner for them or not.

It’s absolutely a risk you run in every relationship. And that risk has to be balanced on if someone respects your feelings or not.

I considered it irrational and jealous if a man had issues with my being friends with exes, or with male friends generally. I don't think it's any different or any more understandable if a woman thinks like that.

Being blindsided by a cheating partner is just one of those risks you take in getting into a relationship; it's not gender specific and it doesn't have anything to do with someone being friends with exes or having opposite-sex friends. That's why this hardline "never be friends with an ex" stance is irrational.

The actual blanket rule is that you don't get to have a say in your partner's friends. You don't get to say they can be friendly with someone, but not everyday besties. If you're uncomfortable with a dynamic you get to bow out, but no man who thought he was entitled to a single opinion on who I socialised with or how I socialised with them would have ever become my partner.

Me too.

I'm in the "friendly - fine, best friends - no" camp.

People say why can't women and men be friends without fancying each other. Well, in this case, you already know they find each other attractive!

Please don’t start dictating or restricting who your bf can be friends with; friends from before you even got together!
Either accept it or split up. Dont be one of those jealous, controlling types. It’s very undignified and unattractive.

It’s nothing to do with being rational and non-jealous. It’s knowing that a decent man would not do this to his partner in the first place. Stay on friendly terms - fine. Everyday besties - no.

Women are utterly blindsided by cheating partners and husbands everyday - partners and husbands they trusted more than anyone in the world. Calling a woman irrational and jealous about being wary to this is gaslighting in one of its finest examples.

The reason this position (throughout the whole thread) comes across as irrational and a bit unhinged is because it's so rigid and certain. Every situation like this is, in this poster's eyes, identical, so she thinks she knows exactly what's going on every single time someone doesn't go NC with an ex. Which is batshit when you think about it because every former fling, every former relationship and all the people involved is a specific set of circumstances. It's not one size fits all and if you really think it is, it comes across as a bit thick.

I'm quite laid back and am good friends with lots of exes but I'd never be this blasè and call them "the best sex I've ever had." It's so dismissive of your current partner!

I've been close friends with an ex - he was a lovely guy, we just couldn't make it work as a couple. I'd have gone mad if my bf at the time had said I wasn't 'allowed' to see him because of HIS insecurities.

I always think trust someone until they show you they can't be trusted - and you could be cheated on anytime with anyone. You either trust your bf or you don't. And if you don't, finish with him. It's not worth the misery for either of you.

Oh, right. They're 'friends'.

And the minute they feel like shagging, they will. Because they've done it before. What difference will it make?

Either he finished with her or he didn't. Clearly, he didn't.

Walk away.

It wouldn't be at the expense of a rational, non-jealous partner.

I've found great value in staying friends with a couple of men I've slept with casually (as have most people I know). They were never going to go anywhere long-term for 100 different reasons but they're both great people. The more good people in your life the better.

DP has never had even a hint of an issue with them which is why he's DP. If he'd "felt uncomfortable" about it I would have absolutely binned him off due to irrational, jealous and controlling characteristics that I didn't want in a partner. I don't believe in pandering to men who are led by territorial nonsense.

Not at the expense of your partner.

There is value in staying friends with a friend.

And me.

Nope. I'd be out of there.