To feel uncomfortable that my boyfriend’s best friend is a woman he used to sleep with?

Yeah, I wonder why women wouldn’t remain friends with someone who was an arsehole to her. 🙄

Nope I’d hate it!

I referred to exes because I was talking to the other poster in general terms about exes. I wasn't defining this particular woman as the OPs bf ex. Its not up to me or you to decide whether he classifies her as an ex or not, is it? The semantics are largely irrelevant. We have two people who used to be best friends who had sex and now are best friends who don't have sex. The OP isn't happy being in a relationship with this situation in the background. She's a year in, it's unlikely to change, so, call it what you will, she's probably best cutting her losses and moving on to someone who doesn't have this situation. Unless there's a sudden shortage of men, we dont need to engage in linguistic pedantry to persuade her to put up with it to keep this one.

It's not one size fits all and if you really think it is, it comes across as a bit thick.
'A bit thick' as in 'a poor argument' or 'a bit thick as in 'not very clever'? If it's the latter I refer you to MENSA and my IQ score of 156.

That aside, it's simply a matter of experience. Women and men aren't 'friends', they are some kind of sexual partners. Including those who never get round to sex. OP's partner has a previous partner still onside. That relationship is ongoing, even if he isn't dipping his wick at the moment.

I’d have expected their relationship to naturally scale back as your relationship progressed. If it hasn’t then I think I’d be walking away at the point as you’re uncomfortable and incompatible.

Yep, dating a woman you slept with while also dating another woman you currently sleep with. I highly doubt that men that have this type of arrangement behave the same with their male friends.

Agreed. Confiding on each other, sending daily texts, going out for drinks / meals…this is basically “dating,” no?

Exactly this you said he was upfront from the start why now a year in is it bothering you ?

maybe that’s what you need to address rather than who he is friends with.

I agree. She can simply voice her discomfort with one his friendships and he can decide of he is comfortable with cutting off friendships for a partner.

It doesn’t make her bad for asking and would not make him “not a good partner” if he declined to do so either.

Just incompatible.

You’ve just done it again. You referred to them as “exes” but all they did was have sex sometimes in the past. Nothing suggests they were together more than that

This!! Why can you no longer be friends with someone just because you had sex in the past

I'd be uncomfortable!
Trouble is I'm the wrong person to comment as I firmly believe "best friends" have to be of the same sex (for straight people).

I don't. I was responding to a general point about people staying friends with exes and why it is not necessarily 'safe' because if they had wanted a relationship they'd have had one. The point being is takes two to want a relationship and its entirely possible OPs bf did and does, and the woman didn't so he's hanging on in hope. Of course, it's entirely possible not. The only certainty is the OP doesn't know either way, so in her shoes I'd not be chancing it, given most men do not have women they used to sleep with as their 'best friend'.

As I said – staying friendly: fine. Being every day besties, texting daily and meeting up for drinks/lunch/dinner frequently, being described as 'close': wholly unnecessary, and completely understandable in how it would make your partner feel uncomfortable.

OP can't dictate what he does, but she can explain how she feels and her boundaries – what happens next is his choice entirely.

What I don't understand is why anyone would want a partner who only isn't cheating on you because you control who they spend time with.

Wouldn't you prefer a partner you can allow out of your sight without worrying they're heading dick first into someone else?

I actually do have a few male friends like this, and it’s genuinely friendship. However, I did cut them out because it made my husband uncomfortable when we started dating and yeah, fair enough

There's a difference between telling someone who they're allowed to be friends with and communicating with your partner that you feel uneasy about something.
If my partner was messaging someone everyday and regularly meeting up just the two of them, combined with the fact they used to sleep together I would let him know that situation was too close to a romantic relationship/dating and that it was worrying me. It would then be up to him what to do about it. That's not controlling it's called communication. I was cheated on in a situation like this, not physically but through innapropriate messages where they just took it too far and basically admitted they fancied each other. It was extremely hurtful.
I think it's great for men and women to be friends in a wider group and for couples with children to all get together and that's what my life looks like now with dh, but if it looks and feels like an emotional affair then it probably is one. He should be taking YOU out on a Saturday night not meeting another woman for drinks just the two of them.

A man staying friends with a woman makes him “not a decent man”?

Whut? He is not doing anything to his partner. She does not like the friendship which is her right and may mean they have to part ways.

I would not care. And to my knowledge I live in the real world. Unless they were behaving strangely or trying to hide their friendship away from me.

But then I have a friendship like this.

They weren’t a couple - why do you keep referring to them as being a couple?

Depends on how long ago it was, and whether I was at least somewhat included.

If years and years ago since they last slept together and it was very upfront (i.e. he wanted me to get to know her and vice versa and it went well) I couldn't get het up about it. Lots of people end up really close platonically with an ex. Though if it was FWB I would be more cautious as clearly they're sexually into one another and I'd be curious why it never turned into a relationship.

Do the three of you hang out together? If never, I can see why it bothers you.

I would NOT be okay with this. At all. But it’s unreasonable to expect him to choose, so I would’ve thrown this one back a lot earlier than one year in.

I'd also ask yourself why you are raising this now after you've been together for a year.

Well yes, the specific scenario you describe isn't a healthy one for anyone involved. I disagree that it's the norm though. In my experience if one person is unhappy about the split they tend to keep far away from the one who dumped them. Obviously in mutually acrimonious splits there's usually no contact. But contrary to popular myth, most splits I've witnessed have either been mutual recognition of incompatibility or a mundane fizzling out. In those cases there's no rational reason to Fear The Ex.

Plus people's partners don't tend to exist in a vacuum. They don't vanish into the ether once the relationship ends - in the cases where neither party wants to see the other again, they have to actively make an effort for that. Most people find partners from wider social circles, political or artistic scenes, professional industries and so on. Which means that after the relationship ends you still have mutual friends, interests in common and social events where you're probably going to see each other again. It's not really the norm for exes to default to NC.