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Original poster

To have cut off my friend who stayed in an abusive marriage

411 replies

TheIvyRestaurant · 06/04/2025 15:28

I had a friend, let’s call her Kate - she met a man about 12 years ago and got pregnant very quickly, after 3 months. They decided to make a go of it, and from about mid-way through her pregnancy I noticed his red flag behaviour. Then things got worse when she had the baby and he moved in. They then had another DD about 2 years later and they got married a few years after that. I could give hundreds of examples of how he was emotionally abusive but here are a few:

  • Kate was “allowed” to come out for drinks with me (I eventually was her only friend as he alienated her from so many people) but only during the day - she had to be back at 6pm so she could do bedtime as he couldn’t cope apparently. I’m not talking babies - this is when their DDs were 6 and 8. One night we were having so much fun we lost track of time and realised it was 6.15pm. She had 9 texts from him saying she had “failed at her task” and “failed as a parent” because “you know that I can’t do bedtimes so the girls are now going to be up really late thanks to you putting yourself first”.
  • She had to go term time only at work because he can’t look after his own children for full days while she works, it triggers his PTSD. Meaning she had a lot less money. He also insisted on keeping their finances seperate, so whilst he stayed full time and would buy £900 TVs and an e scooter, she would have to forgo buying lunch at work because her salary dropped so much.
  • During lockdown, things ramped up - he was beyond nasty and would text her from other rooms of the house saying “Tell those kids to STFU before lose my shit at you all” and “Can you put some clothes on, it makes me want to vomit seeing you in pyjamas during the day” and “You’d better be doing home schooling with them, if they’re then out to be thick kids it will be your fault”. He couldn’t home schooling apparently, it triggered his PTAD. She would text me these screenshots on a daily basis.
  • One time we went to a local concert, and she decided she’d stay out for a drink after and stand up to him. He wasn’t happy and was demanding she come home but she put her phone in her bag. A few hours later, she checked her phone to find 67 missed calls and the ring doorbell showed paramedics at their door. He called 999 saying he thinks he has sepsis. He didn’t, and they soon left. But he spent months saying the stress she caused by staying out brought on sepsis like symptoms.
  • He’d really have a go at her parenting. All the time. She’s an AMAZING mum, but if she didn’t have things 100% organised (like literally every mum on the planet) he’d go nuts. I was round once and he said “The girls want to go in the garden where are their hats?”. Because she didn’t instantly know and had to look in various cupboards and coat pockets, he really went at her saying “Smart mother you are - don’t even know where their clothes are”. I pointed out “Well neither do you” and the look her gave me terrified me to the point I left after that.
  • Me and her went away with all our kids to a theme park hotel for the night and he was texting her having a go about her parenting - the kids weren’t even there! He’s obsessed with her “failing”. “I gave you a new routine and you failed at it. You left the house 15 minutes after we agreed. FAILED”.
  • Her DDs eventually started treating her like shit. If they wanted her from another room they’d shout “Kate! Get here RIGHT NOW”. She said it’s because that’s how her DH speaks to her and they were copying

I spent a lot of personal time and energy worrying about my friend. I told her from early on to leave him, not to marry him, that’s she can do better and she’s a shell of her former self. Eventually, after another text simply saying “Guess what your latest fail has been? Go on take a guess.” (she forgot to turn the dishwasher on and he had nothing to eat his food on which apparently triggered his PTSD) she told me she wants to leave him. I supported her for the next 3 months. I did all sorts - looked around rentals on her behalf (he was NEVER gonna leave the house of his own accord and she didn’t want police involvement). Researched cheap items to but for a new kitchen. Researched women’s groups and charities that support single mums. Spent hours pouring over her rights and how to claim maintenance and the pitfalls she might encounter. Researching the cheapest forms of divorce. None of this she could do herself in case he checked her phone or caught her.

I did it to the detriment of spending time with my own kids and DH. My DH at this point was supportive but said i was too involved and it’s not my job, and pointed out my friend would post “we are such a happy family” type posts on social media and he assured me “she’s never gonna leave him you’re wasting your time”. We once fell out about it. But I persevered and was determined to get her out of there.

My uncle is a landlord and I asked him a favour to rent her a 2 bed property for a while at a cheap rate until she could find something more suitable. He agreed, letting down the person he promised it to. I was grateful and my friend was delighted she had a place to escape to.

A week before she was due to move in (she’d signed a tenancy agreement) she asked to meet me for lunch. She told me that I had been encouraging her to leave her husband for too long, pushing her into doing it and she didn’t like it and I was to stop. Because she loved him and wasn’t leaving. I asked her if her DH was making her say these things and she said “no”. I’m not sure if this is true. She said we can still be friends but I have to stop this “vendetta” against her DH.

A few days later, still heartbroken, I decided I’d had enough and her marriage had imposed too much on my own life. With DH’s support I texted her to say I couldn’t be her friend anymore. She had gaslighted me, and taken me for granted and she was on her own. I then blocked her on everything and haven’t seen her since. Luckily my uncle was v understanding and didn’t pursue her for her contractual obligations.

That was 3 years ago. I don’t talk about it because I feel so bruised emotionally from it and I tell people we drifted apart. We then moved away shortly after that (for different reasons) which made the cut-off easier.

Anyway caught up with my mum today and she said “You haven’t spoken about Kate in ages. You used to mention her all the time”. I told her the whole story.

I’ve come away feeling sick with guilt. My mum made me feel really awful - said I shouldn’t have given up on my friend and I should have bided my time before bringing it up again. That “That poor woman and those 2 girls are stuck with that vile man and you’re doing nothing about it”. My mum was in an abusive marriage (albeit a violent one as well) and said “so called friends like me” who bolted when her stories became too much are people she will never forgive or forget. That of you know bad things are happening it’s your obligation to stop them, and I gave up too soon.

FWIW. DH looks now and again on social media and Kate and her DH are still together.

I now feel so guilty and confused and second guessing my decision I was otherwise so sure about for 3 years. Please tell me MN honestly - WIBU to cut Kate off? Should I try and reach out to her? My mum gave me a new perspective and I honestly feel sick with what I did.

OP posts:
wrongthinker · 07/04/2025 11:44

TheIvyRestaurant · 07/04/2025 10:36

Sure, I could be wrong

You are wrong.

You seem really angry and defensive about your version of events and I do understand that. But I'm not trying to attack you, just trying to point out what might be happening on a deeper level, driven by your own trauma.

Im angry I’m being told I’m wrong to have feelings and that I enjoyed a saviour role. It’s offensive and arrogant.

Yes, she treated you unfairly at that lunch, but you also had some responsibility in creating the situation and have something to learn from that

My “creation” of the situation was borne from her pleas for help. I’ll ask again: what was I supposed to do and how was I supposed to feel?

Like I said earlier an armchair psychologist would probably say my eagerness to help when asked is borne from not being able to help my mum. Or not, who knows, we all have our crosses to bear. But it doesn’t change the fact that it wasn’t wrong to help and do as she so desperately asked.

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Since you ask what you could have done or felt - well, your feelings are your own business and are completely valid, whatever they may be.

In terms of actions, I think you needed to have better boundaries. You did everything for your friend without perceiving that she wasn't as invested as you were in the outcome. She may have asked you for help, but you could have said no. Told her she can call women's aid from your phone, or keep an emergency bag at your house etc, but not put your own life on hold in order to sort hers out.

You did all that out of kindness, I'm sure. But that isn't the whole story. You sacrificed your own wellbeing for your friend and then got angry when she wasn't ready to put the plan into action. That kind of excessive selflessness comes from an inner unmet need and all I'm saying is that you trying to meet this need is part of what created the situation. It wasn't a healthy balance of trying to help your friend while maintaining your own boundaries and caring for yourself.

Your friend obviously upset you but women in those hellish situations are never going to be your support system.

MadamePeriwinkle · 07/04/2025 11:37

Pulling back to focus on your own well-being and family, fine.

Completely cutting her off, knowing the situation she was in, honestly I think that's pretty poor from someone who was her closest/early friend.

My abusive ex was not even on the same level as your friends husband...I was still terrified of making the break, it still took me 6 years to leave.

And during that time, my mum, who was as keen for me to leave as you were to get your friend out was supporting me and encouraging me, but there came a point where I had to ask her to stop bad mouthing him, because I needed to be 100% that I was making the decision entirely based on my own thoughts and feelings.

And when she did that...I was out within a few months.

Your mum has been through this, I'm not surprised at her reaction to you giving up on your friend tbh.

Bollihobs · 07/04/2025 11:31

onlyonewayhome · 07/04/2025 10:07

I would say because it is transactional and unintentionally pressurising and demanding.

When someone does that and organises your life for you it’s an awful lot of pressure and is overwhelming and to be honest stifling. I remember years ago I misplaced some important things at work and my colleagues tried to help me find them but having them there made me feel so stressed and anxious! When they stopped I actually found them myself in about ten minutes as I didn’t have people fussing and rifling and trying to be helpful but not being.

Another analogy that works in this instance is when you go into a shop and just want to browse but there’s an overly helpful assistant. It isn’t that they aren’t being nice or helpful but you need time and space to process.

None of that is doubting that it’s affected you and that’s fine. It’s totally fine to say it’s affected you and you are upset by it. When I look back through my life I know I’ve done similar because I do have a personality that likes to be helpful and useful, I suppose! But ultimately you can’t live peoples lives for them.

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But neither of your "examples" are anything like the reality - in your examples it's 'help' volunteered without any request - the friend asked for help, involved the OP fully and engaged with all the help OP gave.

They were friends for years before the marriage and the abuse problems. The OP didn't seek her out and think "Ooh a DA victim, she's the one for me!" 🙄

Fillybustering · 07/04/2025 11:23

Hi op I think your biggest challenge here is your mum that was awful of her to make you feel bad. You gave your best to the friendship for as long as you could noone could have expected you to do more than that. I would take a break from your mum in your shoes. I think you were subconsciously trying to help your mum anyway, but we are not here to set ourselves on fire for others.

This has been a helpful thread for me in my situation, which is a very minor version of the one you are going through. No one thinks at the beginning of a deep friendship that something like this will materialise. You try your best but it takes from you too and you end up feeling frustrated and exhausted. My friend is addicted to the thrill of the online / on phone flirtation and I've become party to that along the way but it has become so distorted and important to my friend. I don't like hearing about it and I want my friend to wake up however I can't do that for her. Maybe without me as a sounding board, as someone else said upthread, my friend will wake up on her own. That is my hope anyway.

toottoot3 · 07/04/2025 11:22

Wow! What is it with responses reading how much someone has tried to help their friend turned into then having saviour complex, not being a good friend, should have training in DA (eh?) it's a friendship not a professional carer situation. If your not qualified to deal with your friends issues and you have tried to your own detriment of yourself and family there is a point you have to step back.
Ex friend saying stop reacting to my constant complaints, but knowing they won't stop complaining.....
Their ex friend is in a terrible situation yes, they have also been offered ways out, which is their choice to turn down, to expect a person to keep putting themselves in a draining situation is just stupid and stinks of maybe reading about how to deal rather than actually ever being is such an ongoing situation.
For my similar ex friend, if she ever decides to leave, family and friends, myself included would still help her, cause that's been the only way anyone has approached her throughout all the years, it's her who has turned everyone away. I'm not blaming anyone in abusive relationships they are terrible and twisted. But normal relationships aren't, most people would help a stranger leave a terrible situation, so saying they now have no chance of escape is moving the blame from abusers. Escape generally is available, it's never going to be easy and lots to lose the longer they stay.

To original poster, well done, you tried and your ex friend knows that, she's just unable to leave at this point and is angry and sad and turning blame onto someone who won't respond rather than at partner. We are constantly told to have boundaries in place and well done for doing so.
I blocked on social media too (first and only time, after multiple times on her side as it's hard to see SM posts about how wonderful everything is when you know it's wrong, kids, them suffering. To survive abuse you change as a person, you block out, lie, deny etc and that's not who anyone would chose as charaistics of a friend. If she's telling you to your face she doesn't need help (at this point) that's your cue to step back and out of relationship if you want, otherwise your just her go to complaints person, which is a thankless place to be, which you have found out.

Oh and to those denying her experience of gaslighting, why is important to you to deny her feelings? Why double down when OP has said ex friend is denying saying statements about partner which obviously is intended to deflect blame onto friend for moaning about partner, although there is messages saying otherwise? What are you gaining from telling someone they are wrong how they feel? Maybe you should have some sensitivity training?

Ahmezia · 07/04/2025 11:06

I totally don’t think you’ve been unreasonable. You went above and beyond.

i have to admit though that when I was in an abusive relationship (didn’t live with him) my best friend eventually said that she didn’t want to hear anything about my relationship anymore as it was abusive and she got fed up listening to it without me actually doing anything to address it. She was however happy to talk about anything else. That was actually the wake up call I needed and I finally ended it shortly after that conversation.

Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 07/04/2025 10:58

Anyway, my half term is off to the worst possible start - I’ve booked the Minecraft movie (yes I have a tendency to put myself through torturous situations 🤣 maybe I can have a nap?). Setting off soon so a good opportunity you to take a break from this thread as PPs have suggested. Have a good day all and pray for me.

OP posts:
Snoopdoggydog123 · 07/04/2025 10:57

onlyonewayhome · 07/04/2025 10:07

I would say because it is transactional and unintentionally pressurising and demanding.

When someone does that and organises your life for you it’s an awful lot of pressure and is overwhelming and to be honest stifling. I remember years ago I misplaced some important things at work and my colleagues tried to help me find them but having them there made me feel so stressed and anxious! When they stopped I actually found them myself in about ten minutes as I didn’t have people fussing and rifling and trying to be helpful but not being.

Another analogy that works in this instance is when you go into a shop and just want to browse but there’s an overly helpful assistant. It isn’t that they aren’t being nice or helpful but you need time and space to process.

None of that is doubting that it’s affected you and that’s fine. It’s totally fine to say it’s affected you and you are upset by it. When I look back through my life I know I’ve done similar because I do have a personality that likes to be helpful and useful, I suppose! But ultimately you can’t live peoples lives for them.

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Of course friendship is transactional!

If the friend isn't bringing anything but grief why he hell should OP put up with that?

OP. This is not your sinking ship. You don't need to care more about her or her children than she does.

Just because you're a woman doesn't mean you have to be a martyr.

Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 07/04/2025 10:56

onlyonewayhome · 07/04/2025 10:52

Well, that was a general point rather than aimed specifically at you. Posts that are ‘oh ignore the nasty posters OP’ are rarely helpful, especially when the ‘nasty’ posters aren’t being nasty.

It’s obviously feeling quite raw for you for all sorts of reasons. But becoming over involved, enmeshed in drama, being the saviour, they are all tendencies I have and that’s why I recognise it. Mine tend to be exacerbated when things are tough for me personally too. So there’s no criticism; I’m just explaining what I’ve found myself which is that focusing on others to the detriment of yourself is often a sign of something lacking and to be aware of that.

Like I’ve said it was a hard lesson for me - I spent way too much time and energy on it all. My DH recognised it and I thought he was being awful by not wholly supporting my support of Kate. But isn’t hindsight a wonderful thing! I’ve learnt what my own limits are, and how I’d act in the future so it’s not all a sad ending.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 07/04/2025 10:54

PhilippaGeorgiou · 07/04/2025 10:51

I was sympathetic with you OP, at the beginning. But after your many additional posts, I am afraid I have lost all sympathy. You clearly, for some obscure reason, came here to be told that you were totally and completely right to do what you did, end of story. You are then picking a fight with everyone who doesn't entirely agree with you, and doubling down on how right you have always been. You show a very poor understanding of domestic abuse, and have made it all about you. You are a saint and she is the sinner. I still do not blame you for walking away from a situation which you could not cope with and did not understand. I do blame you for starting a post to make it all about you and how glorious you are, and how nobody else understands you.

I still think it is kind of creepy to be following her on social media, even occasionally, to see if she is still with her husband. If you block and walk away, what kind of validation are you expecting from checking up on her behind her back?

No im “picking a fight” with people trying to invalidate my feelings and tell me it’s my own fault that I was gaslit.

When have I said I’m glorious? I’m just sharing what I did.

The reason I check is because I still care about her and live in hope that she’s left. I will always feel that way. I didn’t just stop caring

OP posts:
StandFirm · 07/04/2025 10:54

TheIvyRestaurant · 07/04/2025 10:33

With respect, I do understand the nuances of DA. And despite the fact I barely spoke to this man I know him SO well - from the details my friend gave me. I knew what made him tick (being an evil controlling narcissist) and I understand what abuse looks like. But when a friend reaches out for help what do you do - say “Oh well abuse isn’t that easy you probably won’t even leave” or do, as they’re asking, everything you can to get them out of there?

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To clarify, I think you were right to help her the way you did, and you went above and beyond. I only wanted to point out - as an outsider who is not emotionally involved in this situation - that it looks to me like her lashing out at YOU had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her overwhelming terror of going through with it. No one can judge you for stepping back, but I think her attitude was a further sign that she was in deep trouble, not just that she was ungrateful.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/04/2025 10:54

@TheIvyRestaurant late to this!! just read op's posts and a few of the responses. to be honest, many of the responders are being really unfair to the op. the op did her very best to help her friend over a very long period only at the very last minute for the friend to virtually deny any trouble and accusing the op of having a vendetta again the friend's husband! I feel the friend has been unfair to op. the op tried to organise help after help after help for the friend and in the end the friend threw it all back in op's face. i would have washed my hands of the friend too. you can only help someone who wants to be helped but it sounds like the friend was quite happy being permanently in victim mode!

onlyonewayhome · 07/04/2025 10:52

Well, that was a general point rather than aimed specifically at you. Posts that are ‘oh ignore the nasty posters OP’ are rarely helpful, especially when the ‘nasty’ posters aren’t being nasty.

It’s obviously feeling quite raw for you for all sorts of reasons. But becoming over involved, enmeshed in drama, being the saviour, they are all tendencies I have and that’s why I recognise it. Mine tend to be exacerbated when things are tough for me personally too. So there’s no criticism; I’m just explaining what I’ve found myself which is that focusing on others to the detriment of yourself is often a sign of something lacking and to be aware of that.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 07/04/2025 10:51

I was sympathetic with you OP, at the beginning. But after your many additional posts, I am afraid I have lost all sympathy. You clearly, for some obscure reason, came here to be told that you were totally and completely right to do what you did, end of story. You are then picking a fight with everyone who doesn't entirely agree with you, and doubling down on how right you have always been. You show a very poor understanding of domestic abuse, and have made it all about you. You are a saint and she is the sinner. I still do not blame you for walking away from a situation which you could not cope with and did not understand. I do blame you for starting a post to make it all about you and how glorious you are, and how nobody else understands you.

I still think it is kind of creepy to be following her on social media, even occasionally, to see if she is still with her husband. If you block and walk away, what kind of validation are you expecting from checking up on her behind her back?

Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 07/04/2025 10:51

onlyonewayhome · 07/04/2025 10:31

Enjoyable is perhaps the wrong word, but helping others gives us a sense of purpose and fulfilment. It’s also a distraction from our own lives.

So does that make it wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 07/04/2025 10:50

VexedofVirginiaWater · 07/04/2025 10:30

I can't believe that pp are suggesting you get training in domestic abuse! You tried to help a friend ffs, to the detriment of your own family time, and now apparently you should spend more time doing some training so that you can try and help others who will then accuse you of pushing them to leave their abusive partners. Fuck that shit! OP I really think you should leave the thread now, and I think I might well hide it too.

I think you’re right. I don’t mind people telling me I shouldn’t have walked away. Maybe they’re right. I’m still pondering TBH. But I didn’t expect to be told my feelings weren’t valid and that 8 years of helping was coming from a place of selfishness and enjoyment

OP posts:
Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 07/04/2025 10:49

onlyonewayhome · 07/04/2025 10:23

Honestly, unless I’m missing something, no one here has been nasty.

Myself, @wrongthinker , @SpidersAreShitheads and probably one or two others are suggesting that the situation came about through vulnerability on both sides and that it’s not necessarily a case ‘good OP; bad friend.’

You may disagree with that but it’s been put forward politely and certainly not nastily. If the school of thought is that any sort of ‘hmm, hold on a minute’ post is ‘nasty’ that’s feeding into a bit of a victim mentality which isn’t healthy.

What I disagree with is you saying I’m X Y Z (such as I enjoyed being a saviour) when I’ve stated from early on this wasn’t the case.

Youve done it again claiming I have a victim mentality - I’ve never claimed any post is “nasty”. It’s just wrong. You don’t know me, I know me, and I know what my feelings and actions are on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 07/04/2025 10:44

TheAmusedQuail · 07/04/2025 10:10

@TheIvyRestaurant I think you were unreasonable to do an AIBU if you only wanted people to agree with you. @SpidersAreShitheads wasn't aggressive or hostile. She was just not agreeing. She even sympathised with your position.

Don't do an AIBU if you don't want people to say you were BU.

I didn’t want people to only agree with me but I didn’t expect to be told that I wasn’t being gaslit when I very much was. That’s what’s riled me. I’ve already said I appreciate the YABUs

And I disagree about that poster - their posts were goady and full of errors

OP posts:
Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 07/04/2025 10:43

onlyonewayhome · 07/04/2025 10:07

I would say because it is transactional and unintentionally pressurising and demanding.

When someone does that and organises your life for you it’s an awful lot of pressure and is overwhelming and to be honest stifling. I remember years ago I misplaced some important things at work and my colleagues tried to help me find them but having them there made me feel so stressed and anxious! When they stopped I actually found them myself in about ten minutes as I didn’t have people fussing and rifling and trying to be helpful but not being.

Another analogy that works in this instance is when you go into a shop and just want to browse but there’s an overly helpful assistant. It isn’t that they aren’t being nice or helpful but you need time and space to process.

None of that is doubting that it’s affected you and that’s fine. It’s totally fine to say it’s affected you and you are upset by it. When I look back through my life I know I’ve done similar because I do have a personality that likes to be helpful and useful, I suppose! But ultimately you can’t live peoples lives for them.

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Imagine if you spent 8 years on a largely one sided friendship, never being listened to, or asked how your dad’s funeral went, or asked how your DC’s hospital appointment went, and having it consumed with one subject - and going to great lengths to help this person to be eventually told that you never wanted that help in the first place. But it’s me who is seeing things as transactional and demanding?! I don’t think so.

I remember years ago I misplaced some important things at work and my colleagues tried to help me find them but having them there made me feel so stressed and anxious!

Did you spend 8 years pleading for help and support, and when given it, throw it back in their face? If not the situation isn’t the same.

Another analogy that works in this instance is when you go into a shop and just want to browse but there’s an overly helpful assistant. It isn’t that they aren’t being nice or helpful but you need time and space to process.

Sorry but you’re not very good at analogies. Unless someone went in every day for 8 years asking for help with the same thing, then one day said “What? No - I never wanted help what are you going on about?” It’s not the same thing

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 07/04/2025 10:39

YANBU to have boundaries, and you shouldn't need reassurance or validation from anyone about that.
There is a difference between a friend needing support to leave, and becoming a target of the abuser. You aren't the police, or a DV shelter. Sometimes women need professional support, and at that point you need to disengage. I'd give the same advice for people in a relationship with an alcoholic, or a cocaine user.

If you find yourself unable to step back or being defensive, consider having counselling to explore your behaviour and reactions.

Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 07/04/2025 10:36

wrongthinker · 07/04/2025 10:03

Sure, I could be wrong. Certainly don't think you were going around feeling smug. More that your actions/role were psychologically meeting some unmet need, probably from your childhood experiences with your mum.

You seem really angry and defensive about your version of events and I do understand that. But I'm not trying to attack you, just trying to point out what might be happening on a deeper level, driven by your own trauma.

I don't think you were wrong to end the friendship, but your ongoing anger and bitterness towards your former friend suggests that you are still struggling with your own demons and seeing everything through the lens of who was right and wrong.

Yes, she treated you unfairly at that lunch, but you also had some responsibility in creating the situation and have something to learn from that. That's all I'm trying to say.

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Sure, I could be wrong

You are wrong.

You seem really angry and defensive about your version of events and I do understand that. But I'm not trying to attack you, just trying to point out what might be happening on a deeper level, driven by your own trauma.

Im angry I’m being told I’m wrong to have feelings and that I enjoyed a saviour role. It’s offensive and arrogant.

Yes, she treated you unfairly at that lunch, but you also had some responsibility in creating the situation and have something to learn from that

My “creation” of the situation was borne from her pleas for help. I’ll ask again: what was I supposed to do and how was I supposed to feel?

Like I said earlier an armchair psychologist would probably say my eagerness to help when asked is borne from not being able to help my mum. Or not, who knows, we all have our crosses to bear. But it doesn’t change the fact that it wasn’t wrong to help and do as she so desperately asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 07/04/2025 10:33

StandFirm · 07/04/2025 10:03

It sounds horrible for both of you. You do sound like a lovely friend and I think your mum was unfair to you. However, your friend is in prison. It's not a state prison, with bars, but it might as well be. What keeps her there? If she's shared his behaviour with you, it means she is aware that it's wrong. So, I would argue it's sheer terror of retribution and she quite possibly backed out of her escape because it's an overwhelming move with no real guarantee of success. Many women can't make the finances work after they leave. Think on that. You said yourself that the one look he gave you terrified you so much you left their house. You were on the receiving end for one second but she's got to live with the fucking arsehole. I'm not saying you were wrong to put yourself first - it does sound like it's a huge commitment and it was incredibly generous of you to organise all those things- but it sounds like even you might have underestimated the horror of the situation. Domestic abuse is not a lifestyle choice and it most definitely has nothing to do with 'love'. When someone's trapped, their life is essentially screwed. The last thing they deserve is any kind of judgement, even if it looks like their 'decision' to self-destruct. It isn't.

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With respect, I do understand the nuances of DA. And despite the fact I barely spoke to this man I know him SO well - from the details my friend gave me. I knew what made him tick (being an evil controlling narcissist) and I understand what abuse looks like. But when a friend reaches out for help what do you do - say “Oh well abuse isn’t that easy you probably won’t even leave” or do, as they’re asking, everything you can to get them out of there?

OP posts:
onlyonewayhome · 07/04/2025 10:31

Enjoyable is perhaps the wrong word, but helping others gives us a sense of purpose and fulfilment. It’s also a distraction from our own lives.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 07/04/2025 10:30

I can't believe that pp are suggesting you get training in domestic abuse! You tried to help a friend ffs, to the detriment of your own family time, and now apparently you should spend more time doing some training so that you can try and help others who will then accuse you of pushing them to leave their abusive partners. Fuck that shit! OP I really think you should leave the thread now, and I think I might well hide it too.

Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 07/04/2025 10:30

onlyonewayhome · 07/04/2025 09:59

It’s fine to do kind things because it’s enjoyable; it’s what we’re programmed to do and makes us as a species successful.

It’s easy to overstep the mark, is all I and some other posters are saying, and to become over involved and invested. That actually applies online as well as in rl. I remember a thread here from years ago like that.

Like I’ve already said, I didn’t find it enjoyable. At all. I did it because it felt like the right thing from a friend crying out for help and messaging me on an alley daily basis about her abusive H.

OP posts: