To have cut off my friend who stayed in an abusive marriage

Er, she literally came her asking opinions on this and we are giving ours, based on lived experience. Thats how AIBU works

"To clarify I don’t think he was physically violent - though I did ask now and again. She even said in her last meeting that he doesn’t hit her/drink/use drugs and so many women have it much worse."

As a survivor of Emotional DV at the hands of a man who was never 'violent' the dismissive tone of the post this comes from tells me all i need to know about how the OP views DV, and her complete lack of understanding of what its like being in the middle of that.

Took me 17 years and 3 attempts to leave my ExH... on one occasion i also hade a house lined up and then backed out because the fear took over.

It's sad to see other women trying to minimise or worse deny your lived experiences. You have acknowledged the different opinions without rudeness in response. As you have said the relationship with your 'friend' was affecting your own life and family. What do some expect? That you put her first?
You made the right choices for you and your family. Wishing you the best going forward 👏

It’s an interesting discussion though how far exactly you are supposed to go in rescuing another adult with capacity who doesn’t want to be rescued? Most of us know instinctively when we reach our “line”. Op has reached hers and fair enough.

Some people will always excuse any of their actions OP, you won't change their minds so I wouldn't bother trying.

Meanwhile if you read OPs posts you'd see she helped with things her friend asked her to help with.

I don’t think you are the right person to have helped her out of this abusive situation and I think you tried to be but found you had neither the experience nor the understanding to be able to. I think you did a truly admirable job of trying to help her but possibly don’t have the in depth knowledge of DA to be skilled enough to get her to safety. Even experienced DA support workers don’t have a 100% success rate at getting women out.
It’s also really important to remember the dynamics of a DA relationship. Very often you’ll have a (woman, invariably) who is used to not thinking for herself and who is dependent upon her abuser. It is therefore not entirely appropriate for another person to- be that a friend or whatever - to ‘rescue’ her. Women experiencing DA need skilled support to be empowered to make a positive decision to leave and then a tonne of support in dealing with the wreckage after they have left. What they don’t need is someone to whisk them out of the abuse situation. This is ineffective and also leaves them vulnerable to further DA type situations as they have not had to work through the reasons why they entered into such a relationship in the first place. I’m not talking blame here, I’m talking about the psychology of being someone who abusive types prey on. That woman may have low self esteem, poor sense of identity and a family history that makes her vulnerable. none of which makes her responsible. It’s just the dynamics of abuse. By becoming the fixer in a terrible situation you have not empowered this woman or helped her to work on areas which will later enable her to avoid being treated abusively in the future.

So, your mum is wrong to heap responsibility on you. Your best move would be to stay a friend but let agencies such as women’s aid do the professional support. Remain her lifeline but don’t delve into complex territory - particularly at the expense of your own family and their needs.

You’re a good friend. Please don’t feel guilty. I get it I do, but Kate’s not rational. Hopefully, maybe one day she might be and let’s be honest she would know how to contact you. Let her go and live your life. Unfortunately because of your mums passed and yours it hit deeper but appreciate what you have. I don’t feel your mums comments are even valid you’re an adult and know the difference between right and wrong. Friendships are hard but I was once told. You meet people and have people in your life for only 3 reasons… 1, You need them 2, They need you 3, You need each other. When you don’t have any of those reasons they’re no longer in your life and that’s ok. That has always stick with me. X

You tried to rescue her and at the same time hoping to heal your own past trauma's. That's a lot of pressure that you put on yourself and on her. I suppose it's easier to paint her as the baddy. I don't believe you was the right person to help her. You have your own demons to work out and make peace with. Hopefully one day she will see sense and leave.

Yes. Very similar situation, the only huge difference was I was also in a highly abusive relationship and pregnant then with a baby at the same time. I did the same as you. Cut her off. Hence I didn’t say you were wrong for doing that. But I know from experience that her throwing it back in my face wasn’t her gaslighting me. She wasn’t ready to make the break as was under his control - it really was frustrating and awful for me. I just totally didn’t have the bandwidth to stick by her while dealing with my own situation.

Your friend absolutely did gaslight you OP.

Those saying she didn’t are suggesting that her behaviour was down to the abusive relationship she is in. Yes her behaviour is down to that, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t gaslight you. The gaslighting is the result of the abuse. It’s STILL gaslighting.

The fact you felt you had to check all of your previous conversations because she made you feel like you were going crazy, clearly demonstrates that.

And I say this as someone who who has been in an abusive relationship. It was both EA and DV that I endured (I didn’t tell people what I was going through at the time because I knew they would try and get me to leave).

I can completely understand why you felt the need to walk away from the friendship. Could you have just taken a step back instead and left the door open for you if/when she needed you? Yes. Of course. But at that time you were feeling incredibly hurt at having your friendship and support dismissed and you weren’t seeing that as a viable option.

You did what you thought was right for you at the time. When someone else’s situation takes a heavy toll on you and your family, you have every right to reassess whether you should continue to give support. Everyone has their limit.

Enjoy your own family and your Dh sounds lovely so you’ve clearly broken that cycle. You sound like an amazing friend I’d only do what you did for my own sisters.

Your mum can reach out to your mate herself if she’s that bothered. Bet she won’t though.

So many posters in here are having a go at you OP and I’m seeing you go all in at each and every one of them. Stand back, let go and focus on the good stuff around you. And the good things people are also
saying. Your mum sounds a bit narcissistic tbh, and this was and still is ur trigger - as well your friend was locked into a narcissist triangle and you have found ur emotions mixed up in all of it. Doubting urself, getting in a right old fight and Im emotionally exhausted from watching you take on everyone. Stop. Just stop. Stand back and let go. Hope ur doing ok.

It's fine to offer help in these circumstances but obviously her DH, like most in this situation, wanted to alienate her from family and friends so that he could do as he pleases. It worked. She was too scared to leave him, having been told she was useless at everything and couldn't cope without him, so no confidence, hence why she didn't leave, plus the fear of what he would do. Personally I'd have said to start with, if you leave him I'm here to help in whatever way i can, so don't hesitate to ask. In the meantime just find out what help she could have got incase she did pluck up the courage to leave. You cut her off totally that was your choice but maybe she thought you were taking over from DH telling her what to do. As for making contact with her you may find she no longer has a phone for you to do that. If you do try, maybe just a short message saying, was thinking about you and wondered how you all are, hope your keeping ok. If her DH reads that, you put how you ALL are, if she doesn't reply you won't know if no phone, he's deleted message or she's done with you.

Puts me in mind of a situation my teacher sister was in. A teen in her class lost his dad. Yes it’s sad. But for years he then terrorised other pupils and teachers but the SMT wouldn’t let them respond because he was bereaved. How long and how far does the get out of jail card go? Because the friend is in a bad situation she’s entitled to treat the op appallingly?

You tried so hard to help her but ultimately, she didn’t want to be helped. That is enormously emotionally draining for you, the worry, the effort made to support.

I would feel sad for her, but not at all guilty.

OP I think you did the right thing and shouldn't feel guilty at all.
I say this from both sides as I've been on both sides. I've been your friend, trapped into an abusive relationship and under complete control. It was mental, emotional, financial and quickly became physically abusive. I was isolated from friends and family, I did things I'd never do now to keep him happy and try to prevent the kick offs. People knew but did nothing but there wasn't really anything they could do as it had to 100% come from me.
For me I had 2 deaths in my family and that gave the kick I needed to get out. This wasn't easy at all as it escalated everything. The police became involved after an assault on the street. I had counselling and eventually went to court where he didn't turn up.
He's still about and still tells everyone he never did anything to me. I cannot explain the person he moulded me into or the fact that it's been nearly 20 years and it still affects me.
On the other side I very quickly spotted my cousins red flags when she met her husband as his behaviour was so similar. I tried to warn her but she was swept up in him.
She came on holiday to mine after Thier first date and we went on a day out and to the cinema. She came out of the cinema to so many missed calls and abusive messages. She then spent most of the day trying to sort things out with him and convince him she hadn't been cheating.
Long story short...she married him. They had 2 DDs. I never liked him and would sometimes go and stay and his behaviour towards her turned me back into the person my ex had made me. It was horrible just being near him.
When the 2 DDs where maybe 5 and 2 they came on holiday with my cousin and some other family members. The very first moment the 5 year old DD was on her own with my family she disclosed she was worried about mummy and her sister as daddy was horrible to them. This led to an admission by my cousin about the horrific circumstances they were all enduring. The whole family got involved and helped her leave him.
It was a few weeks and she went back. We were all devastated.
He did have counselling and drug testing and Social services got involved and helped. But he was always just horrible. Eventually he left her for someone else although the abuse still continues, turning up at the house, fighting over the kids, assaulting her a few times in public when they first broke up. He's done very similar to his new partner and she is still with him.
So my point is ...don't feel bad. Your friend is a grown up and can make her own decisions..up to a point where he has total control over her.
She won't ever leave most likely. And if she does it will be because something triggers her enough to want to and to have the strength to see it through.
All she wants to do is survive through every day and not trigger him. It's so sad but it's not your problem.
Sorry this was long but hope it helps

Indeed. In fact, the OP's mother did not protect her own daughter from her having a variety controlling partners so I find it it a bit ironic she's now having a go at you, OP.

Projection much? Maybe she should take a look in the mirror a bit more eh....

Tell your Mother to befriend her and see what help she can offer her!
It's easy to judge without knowing the awful impact it was having upon you. You did your best. You have nothing to recriminate yourself about. You had to exit for your own wellbeing.

I do think how people describe being in an abusive relationship is like an addiction, though I appreciate it’s different. I knew someone who recently passed from addiction and I was angry their family didn’t help them more but I guess like op, everyone has their limits and I have a better understanding of that now.

It’s really hard but if you are or have been in an abusive relationship it does impact the people around you - it isn’t just you and your abuser - it’s your kids, family and friends. So many women rationalise that he’s only bad to them so they can put up with it, but it isn’t true, it affects everyone who cares about you too. And it’s hard (like addiction) to see someone you love go back to this damaging behaviour, to tell you they want change and then do the opposite, to get angry with you for you trying to help. So it’s human nature to stop helping for your own sake and to also maybe salvage what’s left of your relationship if there’s anything there.

What I will say is I’ve never had someone take kindly to comments on their relationship until that relationship has irrevocably broke down, regardless of how good/ bad that relationship is generally.

Sure you have :)