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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have cut off my friend who stayed in an abusive marriage

411 replies

TheIvyRestaurant · 06/04/2025 15:28

I had a friend, let’s call her Kate - she met a man about 12 years ago and got pregnant very quickly, after 3 months. They decided to make a go of it, and from about mid-way through her pregnancy I noticed his red flag behaviour. Then things got worse when she had the baby and he moved in. They then had another DD about 2 years later and they got married a few years after that. I could give hundreds of examples of how he was emotionally abusive but here are a few:

  • Kate was “allowed” to come out for drinks with me (I eventually was her only friend as he alienated her from so many people) but only during the day - she had to be back at 6pm so she could do bedtime as he couldn’t cope apparently. I’m not talking babies - this is when their DDs were 6 and 8. One night we were having so much fun we lost track of time and realised it was 6.15pm. She had 9 texts from him saying she had “failed at her task” and “failed as a parent” because “you know that I can’t do bedtimes so the girls are now going to be up really late thanks to you putting yourself first”.
  • She had to go term time only at work because he can’t look after his own children for full days while she works, it triggers his PTSD. Meaning she had a lot less money. He also insisted on keeping their finances seperate, so whilst he stayed full time and would buy £900 TVs and an e scooter, she would have to forgo buying lunch at work because her salary dropped so much.
  • During lockdown, things ramped up - he was beyond nasty and would text her from other rooms of the house saying “Tell those kids to STFU before lose my shit at you all” and “Can you put some clothes on, it makes me want to vomit seeing you in pyjamas during the day” and “You’d better be doing home schooling with them, if they’re then out to be thick kids it will be your fault”. He couldn’t home schooling apparently, it triggered his PTAD. She would text me these screenshots on a daily basis.
  • One time we went to a local concert, and she decided she’d stay out for a drink after and stand up to him. He wasn’t happy and was demanding she come home but she put her phone in her bag. A few hours later, she checked her phone to find 67 missed calls and the ring doorbell showed paramedics at their door. He called 999 saying he thinks he has sepsis. He didn’t, and they soon left. But he spent months saying the stress she caused by staying out brought on sepsis like symptoms.
  • He’d really have a go at her parenting. All the time. She’s an AMAZING mum, but if she didn’t have things 100% organised (like literally every mum on the planet) he’d go nuts. I was round once and he said “The girls want to go in the garden where are their hats?”. Because she didn’t instantly know and had to look in various cupboards and coat pockets, he really went at her saying “Smart mother you are - don’t even know where their clothes are”. I pointed out “Well neither do you” and the look her gave me terrified me to the point I left after that.
  • Me and her went away with all our kids to a theme park hotel for the night and he was texting her having a go about her parenting - the kids weren’t even there! He’s obsessed with her “failing”. “I gave you a new routine and you failed at it. You left the house 15 minutes after we agreed. FAILED”.
  • Her DDs eventually started treating her like shit. If they wanted her from another room they’d shout “Kate! Get here RIGHT NOW”. She said it’s because that’s how her DH speaks to her and they were copying

I spent a lot of personal time and energy worrying about my friend. I told her from early on to leave him, not to marry him, that’s she can do better and she’s a shell of her former self. Eventually, after another text simply saying “Guess what your latest fail has been? Go on take a guess.” (she forgot to turn the dishwasher on and he had nothing to eat his food on which apparently triggered his PTSD) she told me she wants to leave him. I supported her for the next 3 months. I did all sorts - looked around rentals on her behalf (he was NEVER gonna leave the house of his own accord and she didn’t want police involvement). Researched cheap items to but for a new kitchen. Researched women’s groups and charities that support single mums. Spent hours pouring over her rights and how to claim maintenance and the pitfalls she might encounter. Researching the cheapest forms of divorce. None of this she could do herself in case he checked her phone or caught her.

I did it to the detriment of spending time with my own kids and DH. My DH at this point was supportive but said i was too involved and it’s not my job, and pointed out my friend would post “we are such a happy family” type posts on social media and he assured me “she’s never gonna leave him you’re wasting your time”. We once fell out about it. But I persevered and was determined to get her out of there.

My uncle is a landlord and I asked him a favour to rent her a 2 bed property for a while at a cheap rate until she could find something more suitable. He agreed, letting down the person he promised it to. I was grateful and my friend was delighted she had a place to escape to.

A week before she was due to move in (she’d signed a tenancy agreement) she asked to meet me for lunch. She told me that I had been encouraging her to leave her husband for too long, pushing her into doing it and she didn’t like it and I was to stop. Because she loved him and wasn’t leaving. I asked her if her DH was making her say these things and she said “no”. I’m not sure if this is true. She said we can still be friends but I have to stop this “vendetta” against her DH.

A few days later, still heartbroken, I decided I’d had enough and her marriage had imposed too much on my own life. With DH’s support I texted her to say I couldn’t be her friend anymore. She had gaslighted me, and taken me for granted and she was on her own. I then blocked her on everything and haven’t seen her since. Luckily my uncle was v understanding and didn’t pursue her for her contractual obligations.

That was 3 years ago. I don’t talk about it because I feel so bruised emotionally from it and I tell people we drifted apart. We then moved away shortly after that (for different reasons) which made the cut-off easier.

Anyway caught up with my mum today and she said “You haven’t spoken about Kate in ages. You used to mention her all the time”. I told her the whole story.

I’ve come away feeling sick with guilt. My mum made me feel really awful - said I shouldn’t have given up on my friend and I should have bided my time before bringing it up again. That “That poor woman and those 2 girls are stuck with that vile man and you’re doing nothing about it”. My mum was in an abusive marriage (albeit a violent one as well) and said “so called friends like me” who bolted when her stories became too much are people she will never forgive or forget. That of you know bad things are happening it’s your obligation to stop them, and I gave up too soon.

FWIW. DH looks now and again on social media and Kate and her DH are still together.

I now feel so guilty and confused and second guessing my decision I was otherwise so sure about for 3 years. Please tell me MN honestly - WIBU to cut Kate off? Should I try and reach out to her? My mum gave me a new perspective and I honestly feel sick with what I did.

OP posts:
Yesterdaywassunny · 06/04/2025 16:09

Your mum is very unfair and unkind, and as a pp said, projecting from her own experience, she's blaming her friends and family members for not trying hard enough to make her leave, when she was the only one who could actually leave her abusive husband. It wasn't her friends fault and it's absolutely not your fault that your friend stayed in her awful relationship. Your mum is damaged, but it's no excuese to take it out on you.

You can't help someone to leave a partner who refuses to be helped, and it will break your heart if you keep trying. You can offer support and advice, but if someone isn't going to take control of their own lives, you can't make them. Whether it's fear, inertia or 'love', there's only so much you can do, and you did absolutely all you could. I've been in a similar situation with a friend, she left her abusive alcoholic ex, then took him back, I couldn't stay close to her.

If talking to your mum has got you worried about your friend again, you could reach out and say that you hope things are going well with her, if she says she wants to leave but doesn't know how, you can tell her to contact Women's Aid, but don't try to save her, she needs to want to leave, and she needs to make a plan, so she's committed to it.

Your mum is horrible to try to guilt trip you, sounds like she didn't protect you as a child, she's not doing it now either. Can you keep contact low, for a while at least, for your own wellbeing?

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 06/04/2025 16:08

SALaw · 06/04/2025 15:50

Why did it have to be all or nothing?

From personal experience because it's just too bloody hard and draining to go along with a false narrative. I can still be friends even though we have different interests, support different political parties or sports teams but I cannot watch someone being destroyed by a situation they are desperately convincing themselves is fine and normal When its anything but and also join in with the delusion.

Some might think that makes me a bad friend but I have tried so hard and now have to accept I can't help if they don't want help, as a PP wisely said.

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/04/2025 16:04

I clicked on “YABU” because you are for torturing yourself about this. You went above and beyond and quite honestly, she didn't deserve you. I accept and understand that getting out of that sort of relationship is extremely difficult but it would have been so hard for you to have to stand by and watch it when she essentially threw it all back in your face. Hopefully she will find the courage one day. You haven’t done anything wrong at all so please be kind to yourself!

Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 06/04/2025 16:04

Streaaa · 06/04/2025 15:38

You were an incredible friend who did so much for her, beyond what most would do.
Your mother is a very nasty woman to say that to you.
Step back from her too, take real space from her.
What was your childhood like?
I suspect you have had a very hard time.
Time to put yourself firmly first.

My mum’s abusive marriage was before we were born, but she’s always been open and I’ve always been knowledgeable about DV and will always be an ally to victims.

As for my childhood - put it this way, o don’t and won’t replicate any of my mum’s parenting methods, and there’s a reason we aren’t close. She picked bad men. A lot of bad men. Who may not have hit her but treated her like shit.

OP posts:
kanaka · 06/04/2025 16:04

You've gone way above and beyond, hundreds of times. You did the right thing.

She is an adult, you provided her with a good exit (property) and she responded by telling you that you have a vendetta against this shit head.

You did the right thing.

What you should have replied to your mum, is: I'll give you Kate's number and you can put your suggestions into practice.

Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 06/04/2025 16:02

Phase2 · 06/04/2025 15:52

I think it’s possible you moved things too fast for her rather than being behind her holding her up, you were ahead dragging her forward. I left an abusive marriage and it had to go at my own pace. They way you’ve written it seems like her telling you was like a green light to rush on with plans.

Edited

She was happy for me to do all the research and planning - I offered and she accepted on the basis that she couldn’t risk getting caught. She would delete our messages but I kept them all. I still have them actually just as proof that I wasn’t imagining how bad he was.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 06/04/2025 16:02

It's a tough one. She obviously wasn't ready to leave at that time, but she might be at some point. And maybe in your eagerness to help, you pushed her a bit faster than she was able to go.

Would it have been better to stay friends regardless? From her perspective, maybe. It sounds like she is very isolated otherwise. But perhaps you needed to break it off at that point for your own wellbeing? I don't think that makes you a bad person. We all have limits on our capacity to help others, and maybe you were at the edge of yours at that time in your life?

Potsofpetals · 06/04/2025 16:02

She was never ever going to leave. I can 100% guarantee that. She has got so used to being the victim, she doesn’t know how to live any other way. If she had left she would have gone back. You did what was best for you and your own family. Some of us just can’t leave.

desperatedaysareover · 06/04/2025 16:01

I don’t think your mum was intentionally being nasty but I think she spoke from emotion rather than experience and it sounds like there was a lot of projection. Is she really able to take a balanced view? I wouldn’t pay too much heed to what she said, I doubt she’d have worked so tirelessly to support someone else in escaping an abusive marriage as you did. ‘You should’ ignores all the support you did give, and your mum seems to ignore the fact you had that handed back to you with a ‘thanks but no thanks.’

The danger of getting so deeply involved, to the point that you were basically doing it FOR Kate, was that she’d do exactly what she did - ‘you’re pressuring me.’ She took cold feet and decided to lay the responsibility for her change of heart on you for trying to help. It’s sad and it’s understandable and it’s very human but it’s not something most people could easily stand by and watch. She needed/needs to identify and work to enact her own wishes.

In my view you’ve not done anything wrong. She had a problem you tried to help solve. Kate needed help and asked for it and got it. She decided she didn’t like the help and you withdrew it. You’re entitled to make your decisions just as she makes hers. I think there is a moral obligation to try to help others where we can but I think you fulfilled that amply and generously. She couldn’t expect you to spend more years listening to the same stories and say ‘ah well, fancy a margarita?’ She over-involved you then expected you to switch off when she decided it was enough from you. You withdrawing was an inevitable consequence to the dynamic she created. I feel sorrow for her but I don’t feel that you have anything to feel guilty about.

Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 06/04/2025 16:01

Thank you for the replies.

As to why I ended the friendship completely: it was that last lunch, where she completely gaslighted me. She made out I was the main driver of her nearly leaving her husband, that she always ascertained being alone, skint and in a small house would be worse than staying, and that I got carried away and obsessed with her leaving while she was sitting bewildered at the thought of leaving, apparently too scared to stop me. She did assert that her DH is a dickhead but not bad enough to leave and it was me, not her, hell bent on breaking the marriage up and “the time had come” to “finally” let me know i’d gone too far.

It was utterly humiliating. I was made to feel like I fancied her or something and she was rejecting me.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I’d rather she’d have punched me in the face. It would have hurt less than feeling like some creep of a friend trying to control her. I remember just gawping and saying very little later than “Oh that’s not what I’ve taken from all this”.

After that lunch I couldn’t see myself meeting up with her knowing she’d gaslit me so much. I even went through messages afterwards where she said she was unhappy and hated her DH and wanted out, just to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind.

I chatted through with DH (who was raging on my behalf) and we felt like I had 3 options: 1. apologise and pretend she’s right and I’m in the wrong and carry on. 2. Show her the ‘receipts’ of how she was lying, or 3. Cut her off and move on with my life.

I chose option 3 because it felt right at the time and felt right for a long time. I am 95% sure her DH was behind the gaslighting - but still, I’ve never ever in my life felt like I did after that lunch

OP posts:
Owlteapot · 06/04/2025 15:59

If my friends gave up on me I'd still be in an abusive relationship. It often takes a few attempts to leave an abusive relationship.
You did what you had to for your own mental health but having been where she is I wouldn't have written her off all together

WhichOneIsPosher · 06/04/2025 15:59

LighthouseTeaCup · 06/04/2025 15:35

You can only help people who want to be helped.

This. It's shit what your mum went through but she's too emotionally invested to give you any kind of impartial advice on something like this, try not to take it to heart

YouRemindMe0fTheBabe · 06/04/2025 15:59

You did an awful lot for her and I think it was fair enough to take a step back when she wasn't ready to accept your help. I'm not sure why you felt you had to block her though, that seems harsh. As others have said, it can take many attempts for someone to leave an abusive relationship. It's just not as easy as it seems from the outside. I would absolutely reach out to her if you feel emotionally able to do so. You don't have to try and fix things, just be a friend and be there to help when she is ready to leave.

Mudandstones · 06/04/2025 15:57

You seem to have regarded her failure to leave as a betrayal of you and your efforts. I think that was a really wrong way to think about it.

i think blocking and cutting her off so completely was a really cruel thing to do to someone in her situation.

RedHelenB · 06/04/2025 15:56

If it's any consolation, I don't think her dh would have allowed her to remain friends with you after you'd done all those things to help her leave him, even if you hadn't blocked her.

needabiggerpatio · 06/04/2025 15:55

No. Sorry, but my life is too short to waste on people who won't help themselves. Your mother needs to mind her own business. Shame on her, honestly!

ChipsChips · 06/04/2025 15:55

It’s not uncommon for someone in an abusive relationship to take a few goes to leave. It is hard to break free.

It’s good to have boundaries and I can see why you have pulled back. Like pp I would not have blocked her or been so THE END about it. It sounds like you did more than you were happy with first time and now you’ve gone to the other extreme because you’re annoyed with her. But it’s the nature of abuse that it saps your ability to free yourself. The thing that made you want to help her is also the thing that meant she couldn’t be helped, or not at that time. In your shoes I would reach out again but take care not to become over involved.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/04/2025 15:55

Yanbu. In an ideal world yes you should maybe have realised that it usually takes several attempts at leaving an abusive partner, and several times going back, before it becomes a reality. And it's much harder for people to leave without support in place.

But it's not your job to provide that support especially when it's someone you care about and you're really going above and beyond, calling in personal favours etc, I think that must take it out of you emotionally when it doesn't work out, and your mum is so caught up in the perspective of your friend (because she has been through it herself) she didn't see it from your perspective - you can't keep giving and giving in a friendship and it not take a toll.

Also I think if your friend was honest and had backed out of leaving saying she still had feelings for him, or she was scared of what he'd do if she left, or she was worried she'd not being able to cope etc you'd have been able to salvage your friendship. But instead, she lied to herself and lied to you, saying you had an unjustified vendetta against a man (who she had repeatedly told you about his abusive behaviour). That's quite a difficult accusation to come back from and it's completely understandable that you were really hurt that you've tried to help a situation that's not of your making but been essentially blamed for it, with your friend not taking any responsibility herself or acknowledging her husband is to blame.

So basically, both your friends behaviour, and your reaction to it, are completely understandable and completely normal human reactions. She has been so ground down by her husband it feels overwhelming for her to think she has her own voice or can make her own decisions. Deep down she knows you don't have a vendetta against him but she had to say that as voicing the alternative is worse for her.

If you still don't want to be friends with her then don't feel guilty. If you do want to be friends with her you can get back in touch, apologise and she if she wants to meet you but id suggest no discussion about the husband at all and no meeting at hers. He probably won't let her though.

Otherwise you could send her a message saying you understand she won't want to meet and you understand it would put her in a difficult position. But if she ever finds herself not in that position any more then you are always there for her even if you don't see each other in the mean time.

CremeEggThief · 06/04/2025 15:53

If I went by your title only, definitely YABU, but reading all the details, YANBU. It doesn't make Kate a bad person though either.

Phase2 · 06/04/2025 15:52

I think it’s possible you moved things too fast for her rather than being behind her holding her up, you were ahead dragging her forward. I left an abusive marriage and it had to go at my own pace. They way you’ve written it seems like her telling you was like a green light to rush on with plans.

gamerchick · 06/04/2025 15:52

You haven't done anything wrong OP. You can't keep giving and have it thrown back in your face.

The only thing I would have done differently (and it's easy for me to say) would be to leave the door open for when she has left him and then I'd help, but until then it's best to stay away.. But her behaviour towards you after everything you did was outrageous.

Tell your mother she's welcome to get stuck in and use her emotional resources on the lass if she wants.

Leanin9 · 06/04/2025 15:51

doesnt it take most women several attempts to leave? I think you could’ve just been her friend, but taken a step back from ‘fixing’ everything first her so it was more healthy for you too. But if you drifted apart anyway and presumably he pushed her away from you too it is what it is. You don’t have to be friends with anyone for any reason

SALaw · 06/04/2025 15:50

Why did it have to be all or nothing?

Zanatdy · 06/04/2025 15:49

It is a difficult one. I don’t think I could give up with my close friends, but hard to say when i’ve not been there. Hope she eventually left. Somehow I doubt it.

Mudandstones · 06/04/2025 15:47

I don’t understand why it’s a choice between ‘ ‘you have to let me save you or we can’t be friends’

Why couldn’t you have remained a friend even when she said she was staying in her marriage?

You say her H constantly accused her of failing as a parent but you effectively told her she’d failed as a friend by not letting you save her.

its very hard for women in these toxic relationships. I believe the figure is something like women on average try 7 times before they finally leave for good

I would have stayed her friend but stepped away from any savior role unless she came and asked for support with this.