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Original poster

To have cut off my friend who stayed in an abusive marriage

411 replies

TheIvyRestaurant · 06/04/2025 15:28

I had a friend, let’s call her Kate - she met a man about 12 years ago and got pregnant very quickly, after 3 months. They decided to make a go of it, and from about mid-way through her pregnancy I noticed his red flag behaviour. Then things got worse when she had the baby and he moved in. They then had another DD about 2 years later and they got married a few years after that. I could give hundreds of examples of how he was emotionally abusive but here are a few:

  • Kate was “allowed” to come out for drinks with me (I eventually was her only friend as he alienated her from so many people) but only during the day - she had to be back at 6pm so she could do bedtime as he couldn’t cope apparently. I’m not talking babies - this is when their DDs were 6 and 8. One night we were having so much fun we lost track of time and realised it was 6.15pm. She had 9 texts from him saying she had “failed at her task” and “failed as a parent” because “you know that I can’t do bedtimes so the girls are now going to be up really late thanks to you putting yourself first”.
  • She had to go term time only at work because he can’t look after his own children for full days while she works, it triggers his PTSD. Meaning she had a lot less money. He also insisted on keeping their finances seperate, so whilst he stayed full time and would buy £900 TVs and an e scooter, she would have to forgo buying lunch at work because her salary dropped so much.
  • During lockdown, things ramped up - he was beyond nasty and would text her from other rooms of the house saying “Tell those kids to STFU before lose my shit at you all” and “Can you put some clothes on, it makes me want to vomit seeing you in pyjamas during the day” and “You’d better be doing home schooling with them, if they’re then out to be thick kids it will be your fault”. He couldn’t home schooling apparently, it triggered his PTAD. She would text me these screenshots on a daily basis.
  • One time we went to a local concert, and she decided she’d stay out for a drink after and stand up to him. He wasn’t happy and was demanding she come home but she put her phone in her bag. A few hours later, she checked her phone to find 67 missed calls and the ring doorbell showed paramedics at their door. He called 999 saying he thinks he has sepsis. He didn’t, and they soon left. But he spent months saying the stress she caused by staying out brought on sepsis like symptoms.
  • He’d really have a go at her parenting. All the time. She’s an AMAZING mum, but if she didn’t have things 100% organised (like literally every mum on the planet) he’d go nuts. I was round once and he said “The girls want to go in the garden where are their hats?”. Because she didn’t instantly know and had to look in various cupboards and coat pockets, he really went at her saying “Smart mother you are - don’t even know where their clothes are”. I pointed out “Well neither do you” and the look her gave me terrified me to the point I left after that.
  • Me and her went away with all our kids to a theme park hotel for the night and he was texting her having a go about her parenting - the kids weren’t even there! He’s obsessed with her “failing”. “I gave you a new routine and you failed at it. You left the house 15 minutes after we agreed. FAILED”.
  • Her DDs eventually started treating her like shit. If they wanted her from another room they’d shout “Kate! Get here RIGHT NOW”. She said it’s because that’s how her DH speaks to her and they were copying

I spent a lot of personal time and energy worrying about my friend. I told her from early on to leave him, not to marry him, that’s she can do better and she’s a shell of her former self. Eventually, after another text simply saying “Guess what your latest fail has been? Go on take a guess.” (she forgot to turn the dishwasher on and he had nothing to eat his food on which apparently triggered his PTSD) she told me she wants to leave him. I supported her for the next 3 months. I did all sorts - looked around rentals on her behalf (he was NEVER gonna leave the house of his own accord and she didn’t want police involvement). Researched cheap items to but for a new kitchen. Researched women’s groups and charities that support single mums. Spent hours pouring over her rights and how to claim maintenance and the pitfalls she might encounter. Researching the cheapest forms of divorce. None of this she could do herself in case he checked her phone or caught her.

I did it to the detriment of spending time with my own kids and DH. My DH at this point was supportive but said i was too involved and it’s not my job, and pointed out my friend would post “we are such a happy family” type posts on social media and he assured me “she’s never gonna leave him you’re wasting your time”. We once fell out about it. But I persevered and was determined to get her out of there.

My uncle is a landlord and I asked him a favour to rent her a 2 bed property for a while at a cheap rate until she could find something more suitable. He agreed, letting down the person he promised it to. I was grateful and my friend was delighted she had a place to escape to.

A week before she was due to move in (she’d signed a tenancy agreement) she asked to meet me for lunch. She told me that I had been encouraging her to leave her husband for too long, pushing her into doing it and she didn’t like it and I was to stop. Because she loved him and wasn’t leaving. I asked her if her DH was making her say these things and she said “no”. I’m not sure if this is true. She said we can still be friends but I have to stop this “vendetta” against her DH.

A few days later, still heartbroken, I decided I’d had enough and her marriage had imposed too much on my own life. With DH’s support I texted her to say I couldn’t be her friend anymore. She had gaslighted me, and taken me for granted and she was on her own. I then blocked her on everything and haven’t seen her since. Luckily my uncle was v understanding and didn’t pursue her for her contractual obligations.

That was 3 years ago. I don’t talk about it because I feel so bruised emotionally from it and I tell people we drifted apart. We then moved away shortly after that (for different reasons) which made the cut-off easier.

Anyway caught up with my mum today and she said “You haven’t spoken about Kate in ages. You used to mention her all the time”. I told her the whole story.

I’ve come away feeling sick with guilt. My mum made me feel really awful - said I shouldn’t have given up on my friend and I should have bided my time before bringing it up again. That “That poor woman and those 2 girls are stuck with that vile man and you’re doing nothing about it”. My mum was in an abusive marriage (albeit a violent one as well) and said “so called friends like me” who bolted when her stories became too much are people she will never forgive or forget. That of you know bad things are happening it’s your obligation to stop them, and I gave up too soon.

FWIW. DH looks now and again on social media and Kate and her DH are still together.

I now feel so guilty and confused and second guessing my decision I was otherwise so sure about for 3 years. Please tell me MN honestly - WIBU to cut Kate off? Should I try and reach out to her? My mum gave me a new perspective and I honestly feel sick with what I did.

OP posts:
Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 06/04/2025 16:38

Myself and two other friends tried desperately for nearly 3 years to get a friend to leave her alcoholic DH. She was driving round in a car that had failed the MOT, wasn't taxed or insured but had to use it for the school run. Her only source of income was the family allowance as he had such an "important job" that she had to manage the family/home. He treated her like shit and eventually so did the kids. She had so much support but was just so brainwashed by him that she couldn't jump ship. I had to walk away as it was just too depressed to keep hearing her cry and say what awful things he'd done the evening before, and truthfully I started to feel that she was inflicting an awful life on her kids. I messaged her one day saying I loved her but I couldn't bear to watch another day of her life when I couldn't help her. She did leave eventually, but only when he threatened the children with a knife in front of a neighbour in a drunken rage one night, and the neighbour called the Police.... SS got involved and he was removed from the home. She wasn't really left with any choice.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 06/04/2025 16:38

LighthouseTeaCup · 06/04/2025 15:35

You can only help people who want to be helped.

Oh this one is really hard. I think you showed yourself to be an amazing friend. But I also kind of agree that you went too far. I don't think she was really ready or wanting to leave him, and I think you let yourself get swept along by what you thought was best for her. Until she thought it was best for her, it was never going to happen. And when she did think it best, she'd have found ways to do it. Her "involvement" was too passive - that was a huge tell that she wasn't in the place that you thought she was. It would have been better if you had stepped back perhaps - not cut contact but kept it at a more superficial level.

That said, it is three years on, you did your best, there was no ill intent, and I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about, but equally I would leave things as they are - you cannot remake the last three years, you cut all contact with her actively. It wasn't a case of gradually letting the friendship fizzle out or fall to the back burner - you blocked her, and I can't see a way back from that. Why would she want you back in her life now?

And btw, I think it is kind of weird of your OH to be looking her up, even occasionally, and reporting back to you. Smacks a bit of "I told you so", and isn't a very nice look.

ABigBarofChocolate · 06/04/2025 16:36

A similar thing happened with a friend of mine. He was physically and emotionally abusing my friend and I was there for her. Lending her money, giving her a place to stay when she needed to get away. She left him. Then a few weeks later I saw her in his car. He wasn't there. I shook my head in disappointment and she gave me the cut throat signal. I walked away. When I came out of the shop I was in, her partner came out of nowhere, pushed me up against a wall by my throat and threatened me to stay away from her. So I did. I haven't spoken to her since. She clearly told him she had seen me and it hurt. Sometime people just don't want saving.

newyearsresolurion · 06/04/2025 16:36

Your mum is in the wrong here. You did what you had to do. I wouldn't go back to being friends either her again

PeriPeriMam · 06/04/2025 16:35

You went above and beyond to help her and she absolutely threw it back in your face. The only thing id possibly do differently is leave the door open to say you will be there if she ever does leave him but honestly you should not feel guilty.

I say this having endured a horribly abusive relationship with a man I was terrified of for 12 years. It is VERY hard to get out but you did way more than you needed to to help before and she obviously wasn't ready and maybe never will be. Possibly she drew you too far into her drama anyway, sharing so many of their texts with you.

You are not unreasonable! You sound like you were a very very good friend. Does your mum know just how hard you tried to help and just how rude she was?

OopsyDaisie · 06/04/2025 16:33

SpidersAreShitheads · 06/04/2025 16:29

This is what I was thinking too.

You say you only had three options OP, but I disagree. You've missed the fourth option which seemed pretty obvious - message her along the lines that @MightAsWellBeGretel says.

You're entitled to want more fun friendships.
You're entitled to feel frustrated with her.
You're entitled to draw your own boundaries.
You're entitled to tell her you need to take a step back.

But you could have achieved all of the above without cutting off the only person she had, aside from her abusive partner.

Funnily enough you see it play out here on MN quite often too. Someone posts about a clearly abusive situation and they're encouraged to leave. When they don't and come back in the future, some posters give them a hard time because they haven't upped and left. Abusive relationships are hard to escape from, psychologically not just practically. If they were easy to escape, no one would stay in them!

FWIW, I don't think your actions were awful, but they show a lack of insight into abuse and the impact it has. It's very black-and-white thinking. Abuse is so much more complex, and for sure, supporting someone through it isn't a lot of fun.

Edited to add: I missed your comment about reaching back out to her now. Honestly I wouldn't. Nothing has changed and I imagine there might be resentment from both sides. Just let sleeping dogs lie.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactky this!
BTW @TheIvyRestaurant how you felt after that lunch is probably the way she feels after every day/every argument with her H.

Bourbonbonbon · 06/04/2025 16:31

I think you made the right decision and your mum has been a cow.

AnnieMaud · 06/04/2025 16:30

gamerchick · 06/04/2025 15:52

You haven't done anything wrong OP. You can't keep giving and have it thrown back in your face.

The only thing I would have done differently (and it's easy for me to say) would be to leave the door open for when she has left him and then I'd help, but until then it's best to stay away.. But her behaviour towards you after everything you did was outrageous.

Tell your mother she's welcome to get stuck in and use her emotional resources on the lass if she wants.

I agree - OP went above and beyond.

SpidersAreShitheads · 06/04/2025 16:29

MightAsWellBeGretel · 06/04/2025 16:14

YABU.

You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

I agree with this, but additionally, you can't coerce someone into doing what you want them to do and then punish them when they dont do it!

It sounds like you talked her into saying she'd leave her husband. Your motives for wanting that are completely understandable, but that could have come across as another person pushing her into things she's not sure about or really wants. She's obviously more scared of the repercussions with her husband than you.

I think it would have been fine to have told her that you can't keep up that level of support, that it comes at a personal cost to you and that you'd given her an out and she's rejected it and you'd therefore taking a step back, but that ultimately you'd be there for her if she ever sees sense or ever really needed you. Instead, you've cut her off completely from the only person she had.

I don't think you understand how you might have come across to someone extremely vulnerable. Despite trying to do a good thing, I think you might have come across as another dominant force and then punished her fir not doing what you want.

This is what I was thinking too.

You say you only had three options OP, but I disagree. You've missed the fourth option which seemed pretty obvious - message her along the lines that @MightAsWellBeGretel says.

You're entitled to want more fun friendships.
You're entitled to feel frustrated with her.
You're entitled to draw your own boundaries.
You're entitled to tell her you need to take a step back.

But you could have achieved all of the above without cutting off the only person she had, aside from her abusive partner.

Funnily enough you see it play out here on MN quite often too. Someone posts about a clearly abusive situation and they're encouraged to leave. When they don't and come back in the future, some posters give them a hard time because they haven't upped and left. Abusive relationships are hard to escape from, psychologically not just practically. If they were easy to escape, no one would stay in them!

FWIW, I don't think your actions were awful, but they show a lack of insight into abuse and the impact it has. It's very black-and-white thinking. Abuse is so much more complex, and for sure, supporting someone through it isn't a lot of fun.

Edited to add: I missed your comment about reaching back out to her now. Honestly I wouldn't. Nothing has changed and I imagine there might be resentment from both sides. Just let sleeping dogs lie.

FrozenFeathers · 06/04/2025 16:27

I had a very fraught relationship with my family and especially with my mom, who a victim of DV from my father for decades. She would never leave either. Her communication style was entirely passive-aggressive. This is what happens to victims. They become emotionally completely dysfunctional.

I recently re-read some of my old journals and I went back and fourth with my parents. When all was peaceful I loved spending time with them and I had the best days ever. When there were fights I could feel no worse, yet I always hoped for better. I was like a dog going back to a bad home, because I had such strong feelings about it, I guess.

Several years ago I broke contact with them completely. But reading my journals from before, I see a similar pattern to how your friend behaves.

I don't blame you in the slightest OP. It would have been nice had you been able to help her and her children. However, part of that depended on her and she just didn't have the strength to do it anymore, if she ever did. I imagine that her children will end up having a similar relationship with her that I had with my parents and that you have with your mom.

It's sad, but ultimately her abuser is the one to blame for breaking her and creating a horrible atmosphere for their children. Sadly, there is nothing you can do.

bettydavieseyes · 06/04/2025 16:27

I think you were a lovely friend who tried to help her but missed all the signs she didn't really want to be helped. She sounded off to you a lot about her husband but couldn't leave him. Leaving an abusive relationship is really really hard and I think you thought she was stronger than she really was. Cutting her off has helped you make a boundary, I don't think you had the same boundaries are her old friends who probably blamed her for her situation, so you became the only friend she had. No doubt she would have missed you and been upset at first but 3 years is a long time. I don't see the sense in going back to this friendship now. It didn't suit you to watch her struggle and it won't suit you now. You did your best but cutting her off is OK. You couldn't cope with it anymore.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/04/2025 16:24

Your mum is out of order and it sounds to me as if she's using this scenario to make herself feel better about not leaving as soon as she should have done (if she did?). She is allying herself with your friend because she identifies with the situation but she should be firmly and squarely in your corner.

I would refuse to speak about your friend again in your mother's presence and I'd leave if she did. Or, give her a piece of my mind about not forcing your children to stick around like a doormat in a doomed and abusive relationship.

You did the right thing. Keep those boundaries. Your friendship is over, you made the right decision. If and when your friend ever gets to that point she will be in a position to make new friends but I doubt she'd find one that gave as much of herself as you did.

Be at peace with your decision, it was right.

OopsyDaisie · 06/04/2025 16:24

TheIvyRestaurant · 06/04/2025 16:01

Thank you for the replies.

As to why I ended the friendship completely: it was that last lunch, where she completely gaslighted me. She made out I was the main driver of her nearly leaving her husband, that she always ascertained being alone, skint and in a small house would be worse than staying, and that I got carried away and obsessed with her leaving while she was sitting bewildered at the thought of leaving, apparently too scared to stop me. She did assert that her DH is a dickhead but not bad enough to leave and it was me, not her, hell bent on breaking the marriage up and “the time had come” to “finally” let me know i’d gone too far.

It was utterly humiliating. I was made to feel like I fancied her or something and she was rejecting me.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I’d rather she’d have punched me in the face. It would have hurt less than feeling like some creep of a friend trying to control her. I remember just gawping and saying very little later than “Oh that’s not what I’ve taken from all this”.

After that lunch I couldn’t see myself meeting up with her knowing she’d gaslit me so much. I even went through messages afterwards where she said she was unhappy and hated her DH and wanted out, just to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind.

I chatted through with DH (who was raging on my behalf) and we felt like I had 3 options: 1. apologise and pretend she’s right and I’m in the wrong and carry on. 2. Show her the ‘receipts’ of how she was lying, or 3. Cut her off and move on with my life.

I chose option 3 because it felt right at the time and felt right for a long time. I am 95% sure her DH was behind the gaslighting - but still, I’ve never ever in my life felt like I did after that lunch

She didn't gaslight you! She has been living with an abuser for years, telling her she is failing at everything, controlling her, belittling her... do you image what that is like? She was scared, terrified, probably worried whether her would come for her, hurt her, take away her kids!
Abuse takes away your essence, your "self", your sense of reality!
It seems when he acknowledged she should leave, it was "all hands on deck" on your side, and full-on LEAVE plans, without thinking ah whatvpace she actually eas able to carry this on!
You should not have blocked her.
If you really feel bad about it, read Why Does He Do That by Dr Lundy (free PDF available), there are chapters on how to help friends going through abusive relationships.

Clevesian · 06/04/2025 16:21

Don’t feel guilty. You are not responsible for her. I dislike your Mums reaction too: reminds of the “ you need to be dutiful” “you are a woman and should be x,y,z” vibes I get off my Mum sometimes. You went above and beyond for your friend. I think you did the right thing. Put it out if your mind and just say, “I’ve heard she’s fine” if your Mum brings it up again, and then change the subject.

Secondguess · 06/04/2025 16:18

You couldn't continue with her though, not without real detriment to your own health. As it is you've probably been living on high alert, with all the physical and emotional impact that has on a person. Living with chronic stress that's outwith your control is so bad for your health.

Also your mum is being really unfair on you. I wouldn't contact your ex-friend. She'll have found someone else to fill your role, someone she could replicate the victim/rescuer relationship with and all the support you'd given her.

It may help to read up on the drama triangle and codependent friendships, and see that there was no other way out for you.

Rainbowpug · 06/04/2025 16:18

I'm currently in a similar situation with a friend
I'm also thinking of doing what you did
It's being stuck in a loop
She tells me how bad things are
I spend time and energy supporting her , trying to help , finding information for her .
Then suddenly the situation has changed,I've wasted my time and energy and the situation is now completely different.
I think she likes the drama and excitement centered around her ,we never discuss me or anything to do with me ,it's her all the time
It's exhausting and I think I'm being manipulated.
Op 100% you did the right thing
Don't doubt yourself
You went above and beyond as a friend x

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 06/04/2025 16:18

TheIvyRestaurant · 06/04/2025 16:04

My mum’s abusive marriage was before we were born, but she’s always been open and I’ve always been knowledgeable about DV and will always be an ally to victims.

As for my childhood - put it this way, o don’t and won’t replicate any of my mum’s parenting methods, and there’s a reason we aren’t close. She picked bad men. A lot of bad men. Who may not have hit her but treated her like shit.

Show quote history

Sounds to me like your mother’s choice in shit partners was her choice and she put her choice before her children. She’s now trying to deflect from it being her responsibility to put her children first and blame friends for her selfishness. That’s why she’s saying you are to blame.Deflecting from herself.
Ignore your selfish mother, you have done nothing wrong.

TheaBrandt1 · 06/04/2025 16:17

You went out of your way to help her to no avail. Totally fair enough to bail.

AlphaRadiationIsHeliumNuclei · 06/04/2025 16:17

I thought my Mum was overly critical but yours sounds worse.

I don't think YABU at all.

MaMaMaMaBaker · 06/04/2025 16:17

TheIvyRestaurant · 06/04/2025 16:12

Im going to say something pretty awful - but I want to be totally candid. the reason taking option 3 continued to feel right after I was over the initial shock is because the friendships I made shortly after were more fun, lighter, less angst and worry and I really enjoyed that aspect of my life. For 8 years my main friendship was steeped in really horrible details and pain and heartache. Kate and I did laugh still but it was an ever reducing irregular occurrence hidden amongst all the other discussions about her nasty DH. To be able to meet up with friends and just have a really good giggle and share our much more pleasant lives was like a breath of fresh air I never knew I needed.

I know how awful that sounds. Women who are DV victims deserve good friendships but my emotional resources were really depleted.

I don't think that sounds awful. You've also got to live your life, which should include fun and lightheartedness.

I suspect a lot of what she said to you had come from him directly. It doesn't make it any less hurtful to you. In a way, it's more hurtful because she hasn't shielded you from his abuse. There was some element of him bullying you through her.

I can see why you needed to get away from the situation.

HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 06/04/2025 16:15

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 06/04/2025 16:13

THIS. @TheIvyRestaurant please print this post onto your mind so that next time it tells you you've made the wrong move (which if you have an overanxious one then it inevitably will) you can conjure it up.

Show quote history

Agree

MightAsWellBeGretel · 06/04/2025 16:14

YABU.

You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

I agree with this, but additionally, you can't coerce someone into doing what you want them to do and then punish them when they dont do it!

It sounds like you talked her into saying she'd leave her husband. Your motives for wanting that are completely understandable, but that could have come across as another person pushing her into things she's not sure about or really wants. She's obviously more scared of the repercussions with her husband than you.

I think it would have been fine to have told her that you can't keep up that level of support, that it comes at a personal cost to you and that you'd given her an out and she's rejected it and you'd therefore taking a step back, but that ultimately you'd be there for her if she ever sees sense or ever really needed you. Instead, you've cut her off completely from the only person she had.

I don't think you understand how you might have come across to someone extremely vulnerable. Despite trying to do a good thing, I think you might have come across as another dominant force and then punished her fir not doing what you want.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 06/04/2025 16:13

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/04/2025 16:04

I clicked on “YABU” because you are for torturing yourself about this. You went above and beyond and quite honestly, she didn't deserve you. I accept and understand that getting out of that sort of relationship is extremely difficult but it would have been so hard for you to have to stand by and watch it when she essentially threw it all back in your face. Hopefully she will find the courage one day. You haven’t done anything wrong at all so please be kind to yourself!

THIS. @TheIvyRestaurant please print this post onto your mind so that next time it tells you you've made the wrong move (which if you have an overanxious one then it inevitably will) you can conjure it up.

Original poster
TheIvyRestaurant · 06/04/2025 16:12

Im going to say something pretty awful - but I want to be totally candid. the reason taking option 3 continued to feel right after I was over the initial shock is because the friendships I made shortly after were more fun, lighter, less angst and worry and I really enjoyed that aspect of my life. For 8 years my main friendship was steeped in really horrible details and pain and heartache. Kate and I did laugh still but it was an ever reducing irregular occurrence hidden amongst all the other discussions about her nasty DH. To be able to meet up with friends and just have a really good giggle and share our much more pleasant lives was like a breath of fresh air I never knew I needed.

I know how awful that sounds. Women who are DV victims deserve good friendships but my emotional resources were really depleted.

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 06/04/2025 16:09

It seems like you were a great friend and really tried to help her consistently over a number of years. However, it was to the detriment of your DH and DCs sometimes - from what you report in your OP. You can't keep on high alert and trying to help her to leave, she has to want that herself. I think YANBU to cut the contact. You ware not the only source of help she could get (women's aid/refuge and police are all sources). I don't think you should feel guilty any more, just move on and concentrate on your own family.