To have cut off my friend who stayed in an abusive marriage

I agree with the above posts too.

OP I don’t think anyone would criticise for withdrawing to an extent from the friendship, after all your efforts. I guess your mum experienced many complicated emotions when you told her what had happened.

However most of this thread shows how little people understand what it’s like trying to survive abuse.

I would say that you think you knew your friend and understood her situation while you actually knew absolutely nothing….. No matter how close you were she might not have told you the half of it…. the manner in which you did it was brutal and unkind. You accused her of gaslighting you and said that you wanted to have nothing to do with her. That's awful….on top of a cruel husband she also had to take that from you

You gave too much. That was your choice. You must take responsibility for that

I agree with all of this.

I don’t think any mature person ghosts. Especially not someone they suspect is in an abusive relationship.

You gave too much. That was your choice. You must take responsibility for that.

At the point she rejected you, the correct thing to do was to have talked to her about it. You should have told her how you feel, that you felt used and taken advantage of, and that you were going to take a step back from the friendship as it had all become too one-sided and all round too much for you.

There’s no excuse for adults to ghost people in circumstances like this. It’s damaging to the ghoster and the ghostee (which you know, as you’re still troubled by your actions, you still ask DH to check out her SM even though you know she isn’t truthful on it).

This is a separate issue from dropping a friend who won’t be helped. I’ve been in that situation. I agree with your mum 100%, but was unable to give enough. I told the friend in question exactly what my position was, and what my limits were. She needed more help than I could give. Life had moved on for us both but there is no rancor or ill-feeling on either side.

You've put this much better than I did. I agree with you.

I would say that you think you knew your friend and understood her situation while you actually knew absolutely nothing. That look her husband gave you when you stood up to him might be a clue as to what she actually endured during that marriage. No matter how close you were she might not have told you the half of it. I feel that it was your right to withdraw from her but the manner in which you did it was brutal and unkind. You accused her or gaslighting you and said that you wanted to have nothing to do with her. That's awful. Even if that was the truth you could have worded it differently: on top of a cruel husband she also had to take that from you.

There's nothing to be done now. It was years ago. I would caution you to leave well alone because if you venture into the friendship again it will end the same way and you have shown that you can't deal with her situation (and you shouldn't be expected to). I hope that she has other friends and family and that one day she finds the courage to leave. I was lucky because I didn't have children with my abusive ex. I don't know how women who do have children manage to get away and to do that while remaining safe. It's really not as easy as many people seem to think.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

This has good advice. Supporting someone in this situation is hard.
However, describing what Kate said to you at that last meeting as gaslighting is not fair. She may have been lying to save her life, he could have planted a wire on her or made her swear to say those things or anything. You need to always remember, victims will never tell you the full extent of the abuse, here could have been violence and or rape involved. She would have been trying to protect her children - even whilst watching them become abusive to her like Daddy.

yanbu. You have to think about you and your family. You helped Kate as much as you could and she told you to stop. So you did

Then you moved so that closeness was never going to be there again anyway

whilst I know it can take a number of attempts to leave you can’t gang around just in case

by all means contact her and see how she is getting on but don’t be drawn back in.

I agree with this.

Your friend was distressed and venting. It’s easy in a high state of distress after a bad episode to say, ‘I hate him, I hate him, I’m leaving’. But that is not a contract. She has not contracted you to arrange that for her, by saying that. She still needed time to process and think through what would mean practically, and to be psychologically ready. That can take years.

She would be living the practical implications of leaving, and that was obviously frightening for her, especially after years of being undermined and worn down and made to feel useless and incapable.

You acted with good intentions but without real understanding of the psychological state of your friend.

I am struck that in all your interactions with your friend, that you see her behaviours as deliberately being about you. About letting you down, betraying you, gaslighting you. But they weren’t. They were all about how your friend feels and the psychological state she is in, living with a psychological torturer.

The victim of abuse is often seen as the abuser. You refer to her gaslighting you - she really wasn’t - this properly refers to deliberate behaviour toward a victim. You were never a victim. You were just trying to help a friend escape abuse. She wasn’t ready. You could have pointed her toward resources that could help her - the freedom programme run by women’s aid can be accessed by women stuck in abusive relationships and help them find a way out. Then it wouldn’t have been about you.

You made it black and white - do what I say or do what DH says - instead of supporting her to make her own decisions with professional input.

Your input may have caused no harm but may have increased her sense of isolation. Maybe in future she will value your input. But you have chosen not to be a constant and continuing source of support to a victim who is trapped.

Your choice. Which means you are fine with potential consequences. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

Not OPs responsibility though. It's one thing to be there for a friend, another to be the only friend in such an emotionally draining friendship.

So what? 🤷🏻‍♀️

You shouldn’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

The OP tried her best and discovered that this friendship was causing her (and indirectly her family) to suffer too, so it’s entirely right that she let the friendship go.

No-one is obliged to become a rescuer at the expense of their own mental health. There are paid professionals who can take on that role and it doesn’t impact on their own personal relationships.

@TheIvyRestaurant you made the right choice.

I have a friend that was in a toxic relationship, thankfully no DC.

He hated me as I saw right through him from the moment she met the grifter. I was there for her everytime he let her down, disappointed her, cheated, was abusive, was out of his face on drugs. I listened, I dropped everything and myself and my husband spent hours helping move her things out of the flat they had just moved into the first time she found out he cheated before he came home from work and even went toe to toe to him when he became abusive and tried to stop her leaving.

She went back to him every single time and yet I was there, I heard all of the bad, I'd be polite to him when I saw him, I invited him to our wedding where my friend was MOH (he didn't turn up the morning of the wedding and I said nothing about how much money I'd wasted).

It was a cycle of breaking up and getting back together and I was there. But I realised that my friend wasn't there for me, not through my marriage difficulties, not through my difficult pregnancy when I was so unwell and not after my baby was born.

They eventually split up and I told her at then that I couldn't keep setting myself on fire to keep her warm, I couldn't continue to watch her be a shell of herself and the cycle continue and if they got back together I'd have to end our friendship.

They didn't get back together but she's spent years telling me how awful I was for saying that to her, she hasn't improved as a friend and I wish I had just cut her off a long time ago as her relationship took a great personal toll on me. Unfortunately I perceived her selfishness to be as a result of him but it turns out it's her personality, she still doesn't ask about my family or my child or me, if she does the conversation swiftly turns back to her and I truly believe if her ex came back she would take him back as she has a very rose-tinted view of the relationship and seems to have forgotten all the awful parts.

So I fully support what you've done and admire your courage in doing so as I can imagine how conflicted and difficult that decision must have been.

I don't understand your question, but in response to your comment, there is nothing wrong with OP having to step back for her own well-being. But not leaving the door open is what I feel was not ok here. By all means step back, but to block and abandon an abused woman, knowing she was her only friend and support, nope.

I think you have been a very good friend and you did all that you could. You did go above and beyond but she wasn't able to respond or follow through.

Your mother is a product of her own very unfortunate experiences and this situation with your friend must have triggered difficult feelings for her. She shouldn't be guilt tripping you, but possibly hasn't thought of it like that. Just let it go and don't feel guilty.

I think you had to step back for your own sanity. I'm sure I would have too. You chose to block Kate and that's fair enough. Maybe you could soon just quietly unblock without saying anything at first and see how that feels. Only if you want to though, and no matter at all if you don't or can't face it.

Your intentions were good, you did everything you could to help her.

Don't feel guilty.

Sadly your friends self esteem is shot away, encouraging her maybe felt like hassle for her.

My sister is in an abusive relationship, she is reminded by another sister, her daughter and son. I know she is aware that we all want her to leave, I don't ask her about it, if she shares, then I'll agree he is vile. I spoke about it in the past but I could see that the conversation hurt her more.

The day she leaves I'll be singing and dancing.

I voted YABU for the following reasons:

1. It's absolutely ok that you needed to take a step back for our own well-being, but you shouldn't have completely abandoned her leaving her completely isolated with only him.
2. Living with an abuser is utter hell, and it's probably impossible for someone who hasn't been through it to really truly understand what psychological torture they endure. To say she was gaslighting you is really not what happened (by definition of gaslighting). She was terrified, he'd either caught wind of her plans to leave and threatened her, or something like that happened, which is why she came out with that clearly cock and bull story to you that day at lunch. It wasn't gaslighting you, it was her fear at his threats made her feel she had to make up those lies to you.
3. She's been left isolated and now has no one to be there for any support whatsoever. Whilst I appreciate you felt this had become a one-sided friendship, her life is consumed with this awful vile man and her mind will always have been thinking about what was coming next, making it very hard for her to take herself out of that and ask you about your life. I know that makes her not a great friend to you, but sometimes we need to be there to support our friends through the shit. It just makes me very sad and fearful for her that you ended the friendship and blocked her, when you at least had emotional support in your life from others, but she didn't.

I really hope "Kate" is ok, but sadly, I know the hell she's living and I genuinely feel very sad for her that she's all alone.

The number rule of mental health is to look after yourself first.

you recognised that, you did it, it was the right thing to do.

took me five years to do the same, don’t regret it at all, and a few friends who were also friend of that friend asked me what took me sooooo long to join them.

I'm sorry, OP, but I think you did the wrong thing in cutting your friend off completely. And your mother was not "nasty", as another poster commented, to say she disagreed with you.

I think this-I think you did the right thing in everything but maybe just leaving the door open if she ever needed you.
I don't think you have to feel bad though- you did so much for her and there's only so much you can give to someone else.

Your boundaries are yours. No stranger on the internet can tell you where these lie. The decision was right for you: you've been confident of this for the past three years. Therefore it was the right choice.

Your mother had no business laying a guilt-trip on you, and frankly, whilst I'm aware how difficult it is to recognise yourself as a victim of an abusive relationship and to leave (ask me how I know), I'm unimpressed with 'Kate's' response. Turning the many things you had done to help her against you, accusing you of putting pressure on her and telling you to back off, was really not okay.

I completely understand your position that this point marked the last of the help you offered. I think I would feel the same. Yes, Kate is a victim, but there is such a thing as 'emotional vampirism' and these people drain the life out of others. I also believe that, rather than cajoling other women to 'Be Kind', people should be applauding those women who, in the face of our insidious social conditioning, have a clear sense of where their boundaries are and when enough is enough. Want evidence of that conditioning and you won't have to look far: you'll find it upthread or on any variation of its theme on this site.

Well done for knowing those boundaries and asserting them. YANBU.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about OP. You were a fabulous friend. Your mother is a disgrace to say those things to you. If you are feeling charitable, put it down to her past trauma, and move on, but if she mentions your friendship again, make it clear she is crossing a line. For what it's worth, I think you are amazing. ❤️

Sorry I agree with your mum.