To have cut off my friend who stayed in an abusive marriage

Choosing to stay and to rear vulnerable children in an abusive marriage doesn’t exempt the woman from criticism. One can be abused AND a bad person at the same time.

I wash my hands of people like her. Your mum is dead wrong. Don’t spend another minute feeling guilty.

I think messaging her to ' break up with her' was unnecessary- you could have taken a step back.
I think accusing a horrifically abused woman of gaslighting was quite cruel . It's clear that somewhere in her head she feels she doesn't deserve to be treated well. If she was in her right mind, she wouldn't be with him. I think you calling her a gaslighter probably reinforced to her that she was worthless and you probably caused even more damage. There was absolutely no need.

By the way, I'm not saying that you shouldn't have stepped back from the relationship but can't see why you needed to cause hurt on they way out

And how was she a friend to OP? What can she offer?

I would use the analogy of the principal rules when providing first aid. The cardinal rule is to not place yourself in any danger while trying to provide help. OP was being harmed and needed to insure her own safety/(emotional) health. End of.

I fell out with a close friend of mine years ago becuase she was in a controlling / abusive / cheating relationship. At first I liked him, actually saw him as a friend. Then the cracks started to show. She used to come to me in tears telling me all the bad stuff he’d done.

I tried to support her to leave him, but she never did. She would be on the verge of leaving him and all of a sudden they’d be absolutely fine and she’d expect me to just get on with it and go out together like nothing has happened.

One day she told me he had cheated on her, that she wanted to leave. I told her I was on her side, that I couldn’t keep seeing her like this. I sat with her and spoke about everything for hours…

She then called me a couple of days later to say she needed to distance herself from me because I wasn’t supportive of her relationship, that her boyfriend knew I didn’t want them together and I had stopped accepting him. I was confused and shocked, and said “But you wanted to leave him? You come to me all the time saying how unhappy you are”

Moral of the story - you can only do so much. You can only help those who want to be helped. You have to put yourself and your DC’s first. You have done all you can. Don’t let your mum make you feel guilty xx

Friends can only do so much. I came very close to losing my friend group when I was in my first marriage as I leaned very heavily on them (they were great) It took my closest friend to have a strong word with me and say that if I didn’t move on from him then I’d eventually lose them as well. I was pretty cross with her at the time as well but, guess what, I’m still friends with them whilst he’s still the knob he always was 🤷‍♀️ Looking back, it must have been hard to say that to me but I’m glad she did. I’m not sure I’d have had the guts to say it to someone!

I try to allow my daughter ample room at home to not be nice and compliant in, having seen what 360 degree caregiving does to women (I haven’t supported any male victims of DV, and don’t know if this is true for all - it has been true for those I’ve supported) who have grown up being praised and rewarded for fixing everyone else’s emotional and relationship problems and who then reach adult life not being able to access anger, healthy boundaries, active roles in friendships etc..

The problem is the domestic abuse and controlling behaviour.
Having supported a number of women through this, I know that it warps them and their convictions / sense of reality to a point where they become different people and where healthy selfishness is not something they can put on, for a time.
And tragically of course their partners have picked them because they are kind, nice, forgiving, selfless and all of the other features that mean they can then lose themselves in an abusive marriage.
Therapists try not to tell their patients to leave abusive marriages / jobs because it caused their patients to become defensive and react against the advice. And when you are a friend to a DV victim, there is the same very slender tight rope, which can be hugely frustrating.

You did over and above your best!! Your mum doesn’t know what you went through and has over identified with your friend, understandably.

".... What is OP supposed to do then?- nothing she can say or do is right."

Exactly this.

Op, I still think you're better off withdrawing from this friendship.

You're not responsible for saving her and yet if you do withdraw from her friendship, you're adding to the isolation tactics of her h.

You cannot win. Win is the wrong word obviously.

Given that friendship with this woman means you are pulled into her daily distress from this awful man and yet your help is not welcome or is regarded as pushing her into action for which she is not ready, I don't see what other option you have but to fade from view really. Perhaps until she is ready to leave.

You did your best to be honest. I’d try move on from it that’s the life she’s chose now unfortunately.

@confusedcrane - such a great post, I agree. The only thing I would say is- the OP has said that this friend constantly sends her the abusive messages and photos her partner sends to her and is constantly talking about how awful he is.

That does put the OP in a difficult situation in terms of feeling all over the place and knowing what on earth to do. Eg- she tries to help her leave and gets told "you have a vendetta against my husband" but the week before she is sending her abusive text messages from him and saying how horrible he is. What is OP supposed to do then?- nothing she can say or do is right.

If the friend cannot stop sending these text messages I completely understand why the OP may have to draw a boundary and say, I cannot do this any more. It's putting OP in a situation where she is helpless to do anything but watch.

I also think there is a separate issue here whereby the friend seems to ignore the traumatic events the OP is going through and never offers her any support- friendship has to be reciprocal otherwise essentially it IS the support worker dynamic that you refer to as not being healthy (and I agree). If it's always one friend supporting the other and never the other way around then whether you like it or not, you DO have a support worker dynamic in play, and not a friendship.

This is a brilliant post. So much insight and wisdom. I'm glad that you were able to get away @confusedcrane.

I'm coming to this with the perspective of having been someone post-DV who got cut off by a friend (we'll call her B), and also as someone who is a friend to someone in a DV situation who won't leave (call her Y).

It's easy to point the finger, but assigning blame isn't productive. There's a lot of context to unravel.

You did a lot to help her. That's admirable, but at some point it crossed into the need to save your friend to the detriment of yourself and your friendship.

Regardless of what your friend allowed, helping was always your decision. It sounds like you took on too much responsibility and it took a toll. You neglected yourself and got burned out emotionally. If you want to be a good friend, you have a responsibility TO support your friend, but not FOR her, and not to the detriment of yourself. It's not your responsibility to save her. This is very hard to extract yourself from if you care about someone. But ultimately, you are blaming her by projecting your resentment onto her because she's not doing what you want her to do, aka leaving him with your help, because it's the "right thing" for her to do.

Thing is, it's her decision. I understand how hard it is to watch as I am watching Y do the same. But no matter how much your friend tells you, you won't know the full extent, fully understand or know what's best. She does. Leaving is dangerous. She's the best person to assess the risk. She lives it, she's the expert. I understand it's hard to watch but it's not your decision or experience, it's hers.

People tend to infantilise women in DV situations as stupid and unaware of what is best for them. But they do know, and your friend seems very aware.

I did what you did with Y. I went above and beyond. It was draining me. I started to dread speaking to her. I saw myself doing what B did with me. B made me a personal project, and I appreciated her help but was also overwhelmed by it. I didn't know how to say no or disagree because I felt obliged to agree. B ended up abandoning me at a point I was so depressed I was su*dal because she felt her efforts were wasted as I was getting worse despite her help. I'm still not over the pain of that. I didn't want do to that to Y. I stepped back, saw what was happening, put in more boundaries to protect myself emotionally and once I let go this need to save Y, it got easier to support her. She still hasn't left, and that's ok.

I understand you were hurt by what she said. I would have been too. She wasn't gaslighting as that's not the definition based on your description, however I suspect her words are really her DH's as he'll be gaslighting and manipulating her, orchestrating the demise of your friendship to isolate her. She possibly did feel overwhelmed by your help as it creates an obligation for her to act when she isn't ready. She might have been pushing you away, and self-isolating as a result of the abuse (I've done this too, and looking back I confronted and cut off people I didn't want to because of ex in my ear). That put you in the firing line, and your upset at that is valid. I'm sorry you went through this, and how much it's impacted you.

But sadly, by removing yourself entirely you have contributed to the isolation that DV victims experience. I know that sounds harsh. It isn't just an abuser telling someone they can't speak to their friends. It's the self-isolation above. It's a community dropping away because they blame the victim for not leaving, not doing what they perceive as the right thing. People get frustrated and bail.

I think your mum has point. I saw you've considered reaching out to your friend. She might be angry and reject you initially. I think that's fair. But I think it's a great idea. She needs a friend, not a support worker. Try to be curious instead of looking for fault. Try to be accountable and open to discussion. Talk about it with your mum - you might know about DV but you don't really know what it's like unless you've lived it.

You have gone above and beyond what can be expected of a friend. Do not beat yourself up and do not let your mother guilt and project her bad decisions and poor choices onto you. You have tried for 8 years to help your friend but it is her choice and only she can save herself and her children. She has chosen to stay in an abusive relationship, there is nothing you can do about it. Your primary responsibility is to yourself, be well for your own and your family's sake.

So many posters on this thread have been triggered and are directing their ire at the wrong person, the OP. She’s entitled to protect herself, not give what little she had left for someone else. Can’t pour from an empty cup and all that. The person deserving of PPs’ vitriol is the abusive man.

I’m never not shocked by how women will still find a way to demonise women over men.

FWIW - I’ve been there. My oldest friend (we went to playgroup together) met a guy at 18. He started turning up to our girls get togethers (always saying he was passing the area.) He alienated all her friends but I stayed around. I loathed him. She married at 21 and had 2 boys by 26.
Her husbands behaviour was always off. He trashed their first flat at the housewarming party because of the way someone ‘looked’ at his girlfriend.
Throughout their marriage she told me absolutely horrific stories of his behaviour. They upset me deeply and I struggled to understand why she put up with it.
Shortly after their 1st baby I moved away for work. 400 miles away. We stayed in touch but I didn’t visit as frequently.
Long story short, it took her 26 years of marital abuse to finally leave him and even then only due to violence displayed between her husband and eldest son.
She attended a ‘freedom’ programme where she was warned her husband would likely kill her than allow her to divorce him.
She is now divorced, he has a court order to stay away from her.
When my frustration was peaking, I did reduce contact to birthday and Christmas cards with the odd text message. Phone calls stopped as they actually kept me awake at night as I processed the hell she was living through.
However, I am still in contact, we are still friends and I really wish her the best. She lost 32 years to this man.
He had a hold on her that I couldn’t fathom.
I think you have to do what’s best for you. Don’t feel guilty. Friendships evolve, some fall by the wayside, others thrive. Some are lifelong, others more transient.

My one piece of advice would be ‘don’t cut off all lines of contact’. I always made sure my friend had my address, phone numbers and email addresses just in case she needed me. From 400 miles away, I felt safe that her husband wouldn’t turn up at my door looking for her.

Some messages from her to me were used with her lawyer and domestic abuse counselling people to help her talk about what had gone on over 30 years.

This too emotionally drainng for you. She doesn’t want to be helped so cut her loose. No guilt you have done more than enough.

You sound like you were an incredible friend OP, I don't think you should feel guilty at all. Yes, there may be an element of truth that you were in some way trying to replay the situation with your mum but that doesn't change the fact that you genuinely wanted to help this woman and you went above and beyond to do so.

As you've learned, she is on her own journey and I pray she gets out, but when things are becoming detrimental to your own life, there comes a point where its okay to walk away. Dont feel you need to justify yourself any longer, I bet many people wouldn't have done a fraction of what you tried to do.

i had a similar friend very intense for too long I helped her leave an abusive marriage - we haven’t spoken properly for 3 years.she married a d list celebrity and just left me. What I know is that I look back at interactions and she said some really weird stuff so I’ve now come to terms with never seeing her again. And that’s fine. You go your own way look after your family xxx

You did too much for her and it took it out of you. Her freedom, safety and happiness is not your responsibility - it’s hers. It’s a shame that it went that way because there’s no doubt she could do with a friend like you, but you took it too far and tried to rescue her. Do you have a history of codependent relationships? I wonder whether you’ve been in the position of feeling like you need to rescue your mum in the past, if she’s been in a similar situation. Don’t be hard on yourself - you were trying your best and it got too much. Would definitely be good for you to look at how you set boundaries, going forwards.

Don’t keep going out of your way for her. But don’t block her either. Tell her you’re still there for her if she needs you, but the impetus and effort has to come from her if she ever wants to leave. You can’t jump through any more hoops.

Errrm with all dear respect its none of your business listen never advice ever but don't make it all about that. As she will feel embarrassed and feel that's all she can talk to you about as that's all you want to do. If stay away

You can only ever do so much, and you distanced yourself to protect your mental health and your family, no one was there, so no one can say you didn't do the right thing. It's exhausting, draining and heartbreaking, but you did the right thing

Sounds like you have been an incredible friend and I don’t blame you for taking a step back for your own sake and the sake of your own family. That said, i wouldn’t make this so final. Protect yourself by all means but please leave the door open.