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Original poster

Is this mum immature

39 replies

kindnessforthewin · 06/04/2025 14:00

Certainly not the way I behave but no doubt this will split the masses. AIBU?

I can’t be 100% sure but the way a nursery mum acted towards me at a party this weekend, I can only imagine something has gone on between our two year olds.

Don’t recognise the mum but sparked up a convo via the mutual mum we know.

To summarise I asked 4 questions and made one statement, I received one word answers, with no questions back. I had asked if they were attending x Nursey, who their child was, their age, which room they were in. Not firing questions, there were natural pauses in between until I said ‘I’ve not heard of [insert their child name] to which the mum replied ‘I’m pretty sure [insert my child name] has met [insert her child name], and then she side stepped around the mutual mum to stand on the other side to get away from me. I now realise these were not natural pauses in conversation but someone who was not willing to speak to me. The mutual parent sparked a convo with me, obviously feeling as awkward as I did.

I’ve not heard of this child but given there has been a few recent incidents with my child, I assume one must be with theirs.

For the record, my child has been there almost two years, and in that time has been bitten maybe a dozen times if not more. And the same 3 names have come up. DC old enough to tell me in the past year or so and prior to that in baby room, one staff member was discreet as you would expect but one didn’t get the memo and told me twice who it was.

DC has come home sometimes with two bites in one go, and up until 2 weeks ago had never bitten anyone. We know this is the one time DC has bitten anyone as the nursery tell you, and we also know it was not this child because DC and DC friend told us the same name.

There has also been one historic scratching incident (someone scratched DC and another time DC scratched someone) both a long time ago now and then two very recent scratching incidents, both by my DC. I can only imagine this child was one of the people my DC scratched.

Given this behaviour is what babies/toddlers do, it’s developmental and not something to react against, I’ve never reacted to the mum whose child scratched mine a long time ago, I actually walked into the tail end of it happening so knew who it was and still meet her socially. Of course never mentioned it.

The second DC who had been biting my DC did so time and time again to the point I asked nursery if they should be kept apart. I’ve never come face to face with that mum but if I did? I wouldn’t be anything but kind. After all, 2 year olds will be 2 year olds.

The 3rd DC who used to bite my DC almost weekly in the baby room, I walked to the party with them today. That’s how much I am affected by it.

AIBU to think this mother is incredibly immature. I was shortly leaving but made my excuses and left on the spot as in all honesty, it was embarrassing in front of the mutual mum we know who looked incredibly awkward. Unless my DC scratched the other DC eyes out and nursery failed to tell me, is there any reason to behave like this.

OP posts:
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Original poster
kindnessforthewin · 07/04/2025 22:03

@coxesorangepippinso would you care If a mum behaved like that to you, which came as a complete bolt out of the blue? Remember I had no idea who she was and she would have been aware of who my child was the entire time.

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 07/04/2025 15:25

You're massively overthinking things

Original poster
kindnessforthewin · 07/04/2025 14:31

What can I do? shout at the child or confront the parents? I don’t think the parents are most pleased. We live in a good area, all parents I’ve met are in the same boat, we are working professionals.

OP posts:
cestlaviecherie · 07/04/2025 14:28

kindnessforthewin · 07/04/2025 12:14

Update. I called nursery and explained I knew who he had scratched as he told me and mentioned said child’s name and the manager said DC trying to get their attention. When I asked how the parent took it they said not well. Absolutely pathetic, my DC has been bitten more than a dozen times and I do not hold it against the children. Some parents are incredibly pathetic.

Why do you have such low standards that you're okay with that? Your poor child.

I can't get my head around the fact you're more bothered about a stranger being off with you than the fact your child is repeatedly physically harmed in the environment they're in.

If a dog bit your child would you have the same reaction? You'd just say "never mind, these things happen" to the owner?

Paganpentacle · 07/04/2025 13:45

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C152 · 07/04/2025 13:42

No, I don't think she sounds immature. She just has no desire to be your friend or engage in chit chat with you. People have different attitudes and approaches to absolutely everything in life and, as someone else pointed out, you appear very laid back and have what some may consider a low bar in terms of expectations. This woman clearly approaches/thinks about matters differently.

You keep mentioning that your child was bitten by others dozens of times, as if that's some sort of jutification for your view that, if you're ok with your child being hurt, everyone else should be ok with their child being hurt too. I don't think it's normal or acceptable for children to bite each other (mine never did; nor did his friends) and I would also be upset if your child hurt mine and you seemed to have a 'oh well, kids will be kids' attitude.

BlumminFreezin · 07/04/2025 13:10

this parent is clearly lacking social skills in my opinion and I was 100% right to think the snide comment about ‘your DC has met my DC’ had something more to it

Such an odd conclusion to come to.

I don't think the interaction says anything about her social skills. It says that she was clearly telling you 'fuck off now, I've no interest in being friends with you'.

You can guess at the reason why, but you'll never know for certain. You can't control her reaction to you or any possible dislike of you or your child so just move on.

Original poster
kindnessforthewin · 07/04/2025 13:05

SpectatorInLife · 07/04/2025 12:59

Yes the way I read it, this mum did not want to be friendly with you because your child bit/ scratched her child.
It's not about maturity. You are not upset when your child is bitten. She IS upset when her child was bitten and doesn't want to have to pretend to you that she's not upset so she shut you down and removed herself.
I was upset when my toddler DS was bitten at nursery. I had no desire to pretend it hadn't happened or pretend I wasn't upset.

You minimise it by saying "it's what babies/toddlers do". As if that somehow means no-one is allowed to have any feelings about it.

All that biting and scratching though- the nursery sounds like the wild west.

Of course I’m upset when my child is bitten. It’s awful. However, when coming face to face with parents of DC who has bitten my DC several times, I don’t do anything but pretend nothing has happened. I wouldn’t behave like that and certainly not at a kids party in front of other parents.

OP posts:
SpectatorInLife · 07/04/2025 12:59

Yes the way I read it, this mum did not want to be friendly with you because your child bit/ scratched her child.
It's not about maturity. You are not upset when your child is bitten. She IS upset when her child was bitten and doesn't want to have to pretend to you that she's not upset so she shut you down and removed herself.
I was upset when my toddler DS was bitten at nursery. I had no desire to pretend it hadn't happened or pretend I wasn't upset.

You minimise it by saying "it's what babies/toddlers do". As if that somehow means no-one is allowed to have any feelings about it.

All that biting and scratching though- the nursery sounds like the wild west.

Original poster
kindnessforthewin · 07/04/2025 12:57

@LUBARsome context you might find helpful, it was 30 minutes before the end of the party and DC nap. I had told the host on rsvp that I would leave slightly early for this reason. Some parents had started to leave, cake had been handed out and DC was asking for more rather than wanting to play, hence why I got chatting to parents next to me and then left after. Had the interaction been two way and friendly I would have left after that, so cut short only marginally.

I also wouldn’t lean in and walk towards a parent who had very deliberately stepped away from me.

By the time the penny dropped that they were giving one word answers and not making convo back, she made the snide comment and stepped away from me.

OP posts:
Whatevershallidowithmylife · 07/04/2025 12:55

Dear god, there’s 5 precious minutes I won’t see again. The woman made a comment and turned away, you’re the one that seems immature!

Didimum · 07/04/2025 12:54

Move on, OP. Calling the nursery is OTT. Not every parent is going to a) like you b) parent the same as you or c) react to aggressive behaviour between kids the same as you.

FYI, twins in nursery for four years – only was was bitten once. Neither bit nor scratched nor had it done to them other than one incident.

5128gap · 07/04/2025 12:51

kindnessforthewin · 07/04/2025 12:47

@5128gapi have no other nursery to compare it to. I have heard from a school friend her DC was biting children regularly at nursery and at a play date, their toddler bit both my Dc and our other friends. None go to nursery together. Never happened since. It is developmental but I’ve no comparison point. All I know is that for almost 2 years we’ve had to sign countless incident forms and until the past few weeks have not had DC do anything in return. Nevertheless I don’t hold it against DCs or their parents and we happily speak to parents of those who we know have DCs repeatedly biting ours.

I can only share my experience. Of my three children, now adults, only one was ever bitten. None of them to my knowledge bit another child. None of my grandchildren have been bitten by a child. Attempting to bite may well be developmentally normal, but that doesn't prevent it from being extremely dangerous and distressing for the bitten child. So if this is happening regularly at that nursery, to the point DC are copying each other, I'd want to know how staff were dealing with it. I don't blame the DC of course, but adults have to make it stop.

LUBAR · 07/04/2025 12:49

Last year my DC had 6 accident reports in a few months, mostly to do with another child in the same nursery room going for DC. Of course it alarmed me and measures were put in place by the nursery to prevent it.

I frequently see the mother of the other child at pick ups and we say hello and are courteous to one another. I don't think there's much point in being otherwise.

In your situation, it was unfriendly of the other mother to give you those monosyllabic replies at the party, but I would have seen it as an opportunity to lean in and get to know her. Leaving on the spot will exacerbate things and, some may say, was a bit immature - particularly because you are now posting about it. Children having minor injuries and incidents/accidents like this is very common at nursery. Yes, it is annoying and, of course, stressful for the parent/s. I personally wouldn't make big deal out of it.

You only need to ask if your and the other child's behaviour is developmentally appropriate for their age. I think it is, so there's nothing to worry about.

Anewuser · 07/04/2025 12:48

You’re in denial.

Your child is being put on a plan due to their behaviour, not because the other mum told them.

She wasn’t rude, dismissive maybe, as she didn’t want to interact with you but she didn’t get into the bit where your child hurt hers.

Original poster
kindnessforthewin · 07/04/2025 12:47

@5128gapi have no other nursery to compare it to. I have heard from a school friend her DC was biting children regularly at nursery and at a play date, their toddler bit both my Dc and our other friends. None go to nursery together. Never happened since. It is developmental but I’ve no comparison point. All I know is that for almost 2 years we’ve had to sign countless incident forms and until the past few weeks have not had DC do anything in return. Nevertheless I don’t hold it against DCs or their parents and we happily speak to parents of those who we know have DCs repeatedly biting ours.

OP posts:
5128gap · 07/04/2025 12:44

I think you're focusing on the wrong issue here. I'd be deeply unhappy at the amount of biting and scratching going on in that nursery and would be more concerned with having a meeting to discuss with staff what their procedures were. It is not normal for multiple toddlers to be biting each other on the regular, and that's far more pressing than worrying about the level of maturity of a random woman who may have had any reason for not wanting to engage with you, from shyness, to being preoccupied to simply disliking small talk with strangers.

Original poster
kindnessforthewin · 07/04/2025 12:39

YoungSoak · 07/04/2025 12:31

Don’t give this anymore thought and just leave it now. She is rude for whatever reason. Give her a wide berth in future, be civil, polite etc but don’t engage with her.

Hitting, biting etc is totally developmentally normal at that age as you well know. There is no point taking it personally against the child and their parent which she may be doing. You don’t know that’s the reason why she was rude to you but no matter the reason, just put it out of your mind now. Her kid may decide to be the biting type next week

This is how I think also. Right going to get on with my day but wanted to update those who said ‘no incident took place, they just didn’t want to make small talk’ or ‘some people are introverts’ and ‘it’s all in your head’.

this parent is clearly lacking social skills in my opinion and I was 100% right to think the snide comment about ‘your DC has met my DC’ had something more to it.

OP posts:
PiastriThePastry · 07/04/2025 12:37

I don’t think anyone is going to accuse you of being ‘too laid back’ any time soon op 😅 just let it go, would be my advice. You’ll never understand every reason for everyone’s behaviour and this fixation is a bit much!

Original poster
kindnessforthewin · 07/04/2025 12:35

I’m not looking for friendship. Was trying to understand why the rudeness came and put two and two together, I now have clarity. I continue to be friendly to the mums of DCs who have repeatedly bitten my DC. One Dad in the playground had a long chat with DH and me and we know their DC had bitten our DC on more than half of the occasions. Perhaps we understand toddlers can behave in such a way and the rudeness is at fault with them. We are glad we didn’t react or be rude as after almost 2 years of no incidents we now have 4 in a month. Our parenting has not changed…

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 07/04/2025 12:32

Nursery will not put a child on a plan because a random other parent asks for it. If your child is on a plan it’s to work on their behaviour.

some people are immature. It’s the way of the world.

YoungSoak · 07/04/2025 12:31

Don’t give this anymore thought and just leave it now. She is rude for whatever reason. Give her a wide berth in future, be civil, polite etc but don’t engage with her.

Hitting, biting etc is totally developmentally normal at that age as you well know. There is no point taking it personally against the child and their parent which she may be doing. You don’t know that’s the reason why she was rude to you but no matter the reason, just put it out of your mind now. Her kid may decide to be the biting type next week

Tryinghardtobefair · 07/04/2025 12:31

kindnessforthewin · 07/04/2025 12:14

Update. I called nursery and explained I knew who he had scratched as he told me and mentioned said child’s name and the manager said DC trying to get their attention. When I asked how the parent took it they said not well. Absolutely pathetic, my DC has been bitten more than a dozen times and I do not hold it against the children. Some parents are incredibly pathetic.

You're the one that's being immature if I'm honest. Maybe she doesn't like you because she knows someone "on the inside" at the nursery and knows you're OTT and dramatic?

Also by the looks of it she's not holding it against the child, she's holding it against YOU. Which is her choice. I'll be honest and say when my DC was little, there was a child who kept going for her. One day I witnessed the mum "hugging it out" when her child didn't want to put his coat on. And I decided that I didn't want to spent time with permissive parents because their children will be a bad influence on mine.
Nobody owes you friendship and to be fair she was quite civil.

Original poster
kindnessforthewin · 07/04/2025 12:29

for more context the nursery called not long ago to say DC was going on a ‘plan’ which I was supportive of, given the incidents but now I think it’s because said parent has asked them to and I called as we agreed every Monday morning to have the weekly check in. I do not want to make friends with nursery parents. I also however, would not behave in that way and this it’s immature and how rude to side step away from someone making conversation. I was keen to understand if you would all be so upset to do that or if this mum is in her right vs unreasonable. Yes I cannot believe someone could behave that way but I’ve still got no closer to understanding if I’m just too laid back! For the record my other mum friends also understand and shrug off when their child come homes with ‘accident reports’.

OP posts:
dairydebris · 07/04/2025 12:27

I'd react the same way towards you if your child had hurt mine. I'd not be openly rude but not friendly either, I'd have no interest in making small talk with you. I'd find someone else to talk to at the first opportunity.
No one owes you a chat I'm afraid.