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Original poster

Indirect family more important than partner???

34 replies

ifonlylifewaseasy · 06/04/2025 12:18

Good morning all. I will try and keep this short as possible.

So I have been with my partner for just over a year. We do not live together.

He is 49 and I am 47.

This morning we were in the midst of arranging to meet up and have a walk today via messaging. Various areas were discussed. It is looking like a beautiful day after all. We had talked about it last night but left it to today to organise.

Then abruptly he rang me and said "bad news".

His mum had a birthday event to go to and one of my partner's cousins was staying behind as he was not old enough. My partner's dad was meant to look after the younger cousin but had a headache so did not feel like looking after him. There is no one else to look after him, so his mum had rung my partner to ask if he could look after him. He said yes without even contacting me.

Hence then him ringing me to give me the bad news.

He cancelled the whole day now as the event will take up most of the day.

We ended up having heated words because he said his family comes first. AIBU to think he should have rung me to discuss the options or see how I felt about it before he gave his mum the go ahead???

Another 20 minutes and he would have been on the way.

OP posts:
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mindutopia · 06/04/2025 16:27

Yes, that sounds perfectly okay from his perspective. He’s helping his dad today who is poorly. That takes precedence over a fun day out. Only time I’d expect my Dh to run something like that by me would be if it meant he couldn’t care for our own children (you have none by the sound of it) or if it meant I’d also have to look after them (we obviously live together so another child at ours would mean I’d also be looking after them or would have to cook for an extra person, etc).

JorgyPorgy · 06/04/2025 16:23

BassesAreBest · 06/04/2025 13:18

Why aren’t his cousin’s parents sorting out the childcare? It seems a bit odd to be left to the grandparents.

i’d be annoyed that he didn’t check with you first, even if it was a formality. It’s hardly an emergency as it sounds like the person originally doing childcare had a bit of a poor excuse to get out of it (most women would just take a couple of paracetamol and get on with it if we had a headache and OP didn’t say it was something like a migraine)

100% agree!!

JorgyPorgy · 06/04/2025 16:21

Different view here. The favour wasn’t for his parents but his cousin who’s babysitter had fallen through ( OPs partners dad), therefore the cousin needs to find another babysitter for their kid or else not go to the event. That’s life. OPs partner isn’t his cousins last minute baby sitting service. OPs partner had committed to spending time with OP. Doesn’t matter what they’ve got planned whether it’s a holiday or a walk.

BlossomBlossomBlossom · 06/04/2025 16:07

@ifonlylifewaseasy you don’t have to offer a personal mea culpa to everyone on the thread!

But really, he’s just a new-ish boyfriend - you’re very far from being partners.

Assuming he was telling the truth, it’s a shame the young cousin couldn’t have joined you both on a walk. I guess you’re not that close yet?

I too wonder if you’ve met any of his family yet.

Obviously if you don’t think he was being truthful about the reason for cancelling your date that’s a whole different matter.

suburberphobe · 06/04/2025 13:28

The guy would go up in my estimation in that he's willing to step up and help family out. He's a good one.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 06/04/2025 13:21

Would have been worse if he had turned up with a small person in tow...

JulianFawcettMP · 06/04/2025 13:19

Whoonearthareyou · 06/04/2025 13:18

Refreshing to see an AIBU where the OP reconsiders their position and actually takes comments on board.

Jinx!

JulianFawcettMP · 06/04/2025 13:18

Fair play to you @ifonlylifewaseasy . It's really refreshing to see someone take it all on board and admit they were wrong. Doesn't happen often here. I hope you manage to have a great day despite the cancelled walk.

BassesAreBest · 06/04/2025 13:18

Why aren’t his cousin’s parents sorting out the childcare? It seems a bit odd to be left to the grandparents.

i’d be annoyed that he didn’t check with you first, even if it was a formality. It’s hardly an emergency as it sounds like the person originally doing childcare had a bit of a poor excuse to get out of it (most women would just take a couple of paracetamol and get on with it if we had a headache and OP didn’t say it was something like a migraine)

Whoonearthareyou · 06/04/2025 13:18

Refreshing to see an AIBU where the OP reconsiders their position and actually takes comments on board.

Original poster
ifonlylifewaseasy · 06/04/2025 13:16

BlueskyCherrytrees · 06/04/2025 13:00

It’s not indirect family. He’s doing an emergency favour for his Mum and Dad.

In your shoes I would have offered to go along and take the child out for the day.

It was not possible unfortunately. I have over reacted and apologised.

OP posts:
Original poster
ifonlylifewaseasy · 06/04/2025 13:15

Endofyear · 06/04/2025 12:53

You sound very unreasonable. They are not 'indirect family' they are his family. It's understandable to be disappointed by the change of plans but realistically what else could he have done? The child needs someone to look after him. Should he have said no I can't, I'm going for a walk with my girlfriend?

I admit I over reacted and have apologised. Thank you for your reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
ifonlylifewaseasy · 06/04/2025 13:14

Aliceglass · 06/04/2025 12:43

Maybe you need to relook at this as he’s doing a favour for his Mum who of course is not an indirect family member!

Thats exactly the point I overlooked. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
ifonlylifewaseasy · 06/04/2025 13:14

CarefulN0w · 06/04/2025 12:27

YABU. I think if you had firm plans like a restaurant reservation, it might be different, but although you are disappointed, you can go for a walk another day. I’m struggling to see a problem with someone wanting to help their family out unless he regularly blows you out.

Unless this is a reverse?

Yes I have overreacted and apologised. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
ifonlylifewaseasy · 06/04/2025 13:13

Stirfries · 06/04/2025 12:25

Yes, he’s looking after the child because his mother is out and his father is unwell! I fail to see how much more ‘direct’ family you can get than someone’s (presumably quite elderly) parents.

Show quote history

Yes you are correct. I have apologised. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
ifonlylifewaseasy · 06/04/2025 13:12

peachgreen · 06/04/2025 12:24

It’s not like he cancelled some big event, you were just going for a walk. Can you not go and hang out with him while he’s looking after his cousin?

Not possible unfortunately to meet up. I have definitely over reacted. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
ifonlylifewaseasy · 06/04/2025 13:10

Buttonsbuttons · 06/04/2025 12:23

Plus, they are not indirect family. They are his family.

You guys are dating at the moment.

Different levels of commitment.

You are right. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
ifonlylifewaseasy · 06/04/2025 13:10

SophieAnt · 06/04/2025 12:23

Your title doesn't really fit with your thread. He's helping out because they have a one-off event. You were planning to go for a walk, which you can do any time. Recognising that doesn't mean they are more important than you.

Ideally he could have spoken to you before agreeing but I think YABU to turn this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.

You are right and I have apologised. Thank you for your reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
ifonlylifewaseasy · 06/04/2025 13:09

Buttonsbuttons · 06/04/2025 12:22

Sorry but I think he's right in this situation.

Plus at the moment his family is more important to him. You're in a fairly new relationship and don't live together. So no joint commitments.

Disappointing, but what he needed to do was more important.

Yes I can see how wrong I was. Thank you.

OP posts:
FairlyTired · 06/04/2025 13:08

Why not go for a walk with the cousin too?

SunsetCocktails · 06/04/2025 13:06

BlueskyCherrytrees · 06/04/2025 13:00

It’s not indirect family. He’s doing an emergency favour for his Mum and Dad.

In your shoes I would have offered to go along and take the child out for the day.

Yes, this. Couldn’t you have still met up for a walk even if just for an hour or so?

BlueskyCherrytrees · 06/04/2025 13:00

It’s not indirect family. He’s doing an emergency favour for his Mum and Dad.

In your shoes I would have offered to go along and take the child out for the day.

goldenretrieverenergy · 06/04/2025 12:58

YABU. What’s “indirect” about them?

I don’t see anything wrong with him liking after his young relative, while their parents can’t.

You’ve only been together for a year and you don’t live together.

Endofyear · 06/04/2025 12:53

You sound very unreasonable. They are not 'indirect family' they are his family. It's understandable to be disappointed by the change of plans but realistically what else could he have done? The child needs someone to look after him. Should he have said no I can't, I'm going for a walk with my girlfriend?

Aliceglass · 06/04/2025 12:43

Maybe you need to relook at this as he’s doing a favour for his Mum who of course is not an indirect family member!