To tell DH this is how it’s going to be going forwards or it’s divorce

What would marriage counselling do?

Counsellor: stop being a useless misogynist.

Man: Weh. But no.

Good for you OP. As the saying goes "if he wanted to, he would". If he wanted to be a parent, a proper one - he absolutely would. He doesn't. His behaviour is that of a man who doesn't want to be a family man and actually do his share.

Once you're rid it will be a huge weight off your shoulders as he no doubt adds to the work, plus you won't have this (quite rightly), seething resentment of living with a selfish twat.

Get the ball rolling, and start looking forward to a brighter, easier future down the road.

Can’t you do some things as a family at the weekend? All go swimming together, for example? And then maybe have alternate Sunday mornings or afternoons where you each get a bit of time alone? Maybe cut down on activities for the kids too - having some family time is imo more important than swimming lessons for tinies.

I would book a hotel away for myself and leave Friday night and come back Monday evening, give him a taste of what he has been doing to you and then tell him it's marriage counselling or divorce.

You seem stuck in a 1950s marriage and not a partnership of equals. It is hard and exhausting when the DC are so young and you're juggling everything, but it should be both of you juggling, not just you. It seems like he cant cope with both DC? Does he take both DC out on his own? If not, why not?

Time to talk because it sounds like you're exhausted and at the end of your tether and continuing this way on your own sounds unsustainable long term. He can outsource car washing (my DC loved sitting in the car in the drivethru car wash) and mowing, or job swap with you - and not just stick them in front of the tv whilst he looks at his phone! Our local pool is full of dads on swim duty on sunday mornings. DC come back clean, worn out and ready for lunch and a nap.

Just another generic worthless misogynist, openly treating his wife with contempt.
Men like this don't like women and don't want kids, but enjoy having a domestic appliance and unprotected sex, so tolerate marriage as it benefits them.

Your kids will grow up seeing that misogyny is unacceptable and the man can be one of those losers who is a mere visitor in the kids lives. Enjoy life free of him.

I don't think yabu at all. I personally couldn't live like that. We get one day 'off' each at the weekend and everyone knows where they stand, same with weekday evenings (split equally).

In your shoes I would probably say that unless he was prepared to instigate a similar approach (equal time off), I would not see a future in the marriage. Resentment will kill any loving feelings you ever had for the man, and probably has already.

Its scary how many OPs with the same problems (there was a virtually identical one last week) have accepted that they do everything. It must be how girls are socialised to think that everything domestic is entirely down to them, they must accommodate male whims about "hobbies" and sport and "interests", even while they themselves are run ragged, exhausted or even ill, and accept being treated like unpaid domestic staff. So sad, if only girls could grow up to feel assertive about having a fair deal in their partnerships, and lay a sound groundwork before having DC, which is when men often seem to change expectations.

Have you posted about this before? Seems very similar to a previous post.

Just get up before him, get yourself ready and go for a while. He'll soon learn!

He sees his man jobs as important and childcare as not important - that can be very ingrained from his own parenting. Proper marriage guidance therapy might help and would be cheaper than divorce

So do just that then, OP. Be out and its over to him to do childcare, cooking and housework for a change. Don't ask.

You have choices, but you need to be prepared to follow them through.

Accept this is your life so vent your frustration elsewhere such as an exercise class.
Ask for marriage counselling and hope he says yes (and it works).
Get the MN ducks in a row and start divorce.

As someone who spent 30 odd years trying to get their H to understand that his free time was at the expense of mine and failing - don't be me, leave now.

Anyway I’ve just tried to talk to him and he told me his jobs were important and walked off so that’s it I think

stop multitasking, either look after the children or cook, clean etc

Your jobs are also important otherwise he doesn't eat, have clean clothing etc

Yet his expectation is you multi taks

Then get a hobby you sad twat

Bored, bored, bored - the endless regurgitation of virtually the same scenarios. Its endemic on MN now - anyone would thing it was automated.......

@towardsnoon I was married to a selfish twat like this and ended it a couple of years ago ago when my kids were aged 4.5 and 8. I work full time in a very senior job, have the kids 12 days out of 14 and manage all the Jobs that were apparently soooo hard and sooooo much work and necessitated endless trips to the hardware shop and garden centre (so he could avoid the mundane shit that actually needed to be done like buying children new shoes or going to the supermarket or spending time with his wife and kids).

I get every second weekend off while he does 48 hours of parenting. This weekend I slept in until 10am.

If you can afford to, I highly recommend it.

Sorry OP, he sounds horribly unsupportive and disinterested in lessening your load.

If you do manage to get a day to yourself I suspect you'd end up coming home to the house a bomb site and the kids up a height due to being left with their feckless father all day. Hardly the relief you're looking for.

Can you take yourself off for the rest of the day today to get some space and see how he does with your usual responsibilities?

This pisses me off too sometimes because everything they seem to need to do takes half a day and so much faffing.

Maybe try the schedule thing for another month and tell him if things dont change then its divorce. Ie next sat everything child and house related is his.

I dont understand where all this DIY comes from, is it all for your house or other people? Are you renovating or something, if not hes taking the piss

I only voted YABU because it wasn’t clear how much you had tried to work on this already. If you’ve had conversations about it many times and he refuses to budge then it’s a bigger issue which also includes how much respect and care he is showing you.

I’m sorry OP. It’s hard when you feel uncared for and put upon like that. The only thing I’d say tho is that having young kids is so hard and I’m not sure it brings out the best in many of us. I hope there is a less drastic way to improve things for you both x

Talking doesn't help the situation: you have said things get better for a while then deteriorate again, or he just argues with you then does what he wants anyway.

So you either move straight to divorce, or you take action.
Actions could be:

a. An ultimatum to arrange counselling - he has to arrange it, within a fixed deadline - or you go straight to divorce.

b. Declaring that every alternative Saturday or Sunday (one day each weekend, alternating Sat and Sun) are your childfree time, or your time with 4-yr old but not toddler. Then following through: you get up early and leave the house before him, either with or without 4-yr old, and don't come back for at least 5 hours. Have lunch out, or make a packed lunch the evening before.
Eventually, he will get used to the new regime so you don't always have to stay out over lunch, and don't always have to race to get out of the house before him.

c. When he says he is going to clean the car or mow the lawn or whatever, say "No I'll do that, you do the laundry and mind the children". If he argues, argue back and don't give way, then actually pick up the car keys or get the lawnmower out and follow through.
If it is DIY stuff that you can't actually do, this won't work.

Have you ever suggested counseling? I don't think it's unreasonable to divorce a man who is so uncaring and selfish but maybe exhaust every option first.

There was a similar poster a few weeks ago; similar issues :

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5301551-leaving-dh-to-get-a-break-or-stick-it-out-going-a-bit-mad?page=11&reply=143155229

Honestly Op, if you are done, you’re done.

Just make sure you have all the ducks in a row - finances, housing etc, before you pull the trigger. Protect yourself and your DC.

But , angry as you are, please think it through first.

If anything, make sure that whatever house chores are to be done when the kids are not around get done by him on the day he does not have them.

Make a list of Jobs for next weekend. Tell him which ones you and 4-year-old will be doing while he takes 1 year old. There might be some Jobs you can't do (eg. for me, anything involving a step ladder). Be very clear - the Important Jobs are still going to get done, but some things the 4 of you will be doing together, some things you'll swap round - eg "my turn to do football this weekend!".

And schedule the odd weekend day for you to be Out.

Sympathies OP my husband also takes our 4 yo to screw fix or washes the car with him and leaves me with 1 yo and all the cleaning and cooking and then expects me to say thank you to him!!!!!!!
he washes the car every single fucking weekend. Now it’s lawn mowing season too