Dumped my boyfriend after a year because he kept fetish secret

She has every right. He took a year to mention a deal-breaker. Doesn't matter what.

And yes the prostate is a thing. So why can't men all grow up and say it openly and let women decide whether they want to participate? Nobody cares about being asked in an appropriate, timely setting.

It's his secrecy and time wasting when it's clearly such a big deal to him that he's said he would hinge a relationship on it.

Plus it's the fact that he's made such a bloody big fuss over it. It clearly isn't just about enjoying a bum toy now and again (not that she's obliged to do it at all) . He's given the distinct impression that it's a tediously big deal to him and also what else is he going to come out with now he's revealed he's a Sex Person?

A year is too long, but it's not a first date topic of conversation either.

Is this a joke? We should normalise kinks? Really, get a grip. This is how we got to “educating” young girls about anal being ok in teen vogue etc just effing stop it. What else should we normalise? Choking? How about men stop being entitled perverts.

He obviously calculated things in a very controlled way - wait until my partner is really attached and then she will find it harder to say no to something she doesn’t want to do.

Gross coercion. @ThatsLife2 YANBU. He’s a manipulative, duplicitous creep.

I think you have every right to be pissed off at having a year wasted.
One year is very far in.
Very selfish of him.

Definitely, I agree certain kinks can bring shame...

However, a year is a long time—especially for a woman who is looking for a life partner.
For him to reveal this now and say he can’t live without it suggests he’s been stewing on it for a long time. You don’t suddenly realise you need something after stumbling across it a few times over a few weeks.

That phrase in itself is problematic—it places pressure on the other person to accommodate it, or risk ending the relationship. That can feel emotionally manipulative, whether intentional or not.

It’s completely valid to take time to build trust—I’ve done the same. But if you’re asking someone to invest emotionally, ethically you need to be conscious of their time and expectations too.
He let OP fall in love with him while withholding something he now claims is central to his sexuality. That’s a big deal.

I’m into a few things myself that terrify me to share with people—but I still do, even after being shamed in the past—because part of engaging in kink ethically is ensuring all parties have the information they need to give informed consent.

It’s even more important in romantic relationships, which aren’t just about play—they’re about building a shared future. The crossover into romance complicates everything, because now it's not just about compatibility in kink—it's about emotional investment, long-term goals, and mutual trust.

And honestly, I’ve seen this so often—both here on MN and in real life—where men reveal these things only once they feel the woman is too emotionally invested to leave.
Maybe that’s when they feel safe, yes—but it also puts women in a deeply unfair position. Many end up agreeing to things they’re not fully comfortable with because they’ve already spent time, energy, and emotion on the relationship. That’s not consent—it’s resignation.

Men counting on that dynamic is a form of coercion. It may not be intentional in every case, but the effect is the same: someone feels cornered.

This isn’t about shaming people with kinks—it’s about timing, communication, and responsibility. Everyone deserves to feel safe enough to be honest. But that honesty has to go both ways.

So yes, I absolutely agree that certain kinks come with shame, but that doesn’t relieve someone of personal responsibility to be honest with their romantic partner—especially when what they’re asking for could change the course of the entire relationship.

And yes, a lot of this language and the way you and I are talking would be foreign to someone not in the community. But even someone with no experience can operate respectfully and with integrity around kink, sex and romantic partners.

Ooh, 20 likes and counting, thanks :)

Just came back to say one last thing.

If there is ANYTHING anything at all about your sexual wants that you cannot share with a sexual partner within the first month of a sexual relationship then there is something wrong with your sexual wants.

If there is nothing wrong with what you want, you will share it, easily. If you are hiding it, it's because you know you, and it, are a total turn off.

CIao 😘

No. Fuck off with this shit. This is the kind of coercive "but if you loved me you would" crap that some men use to push sexual boundaries. She doesn't want to do it, so that means no. No doesn't mean "but give it a chance if you cherish him." It means NO.

The flip side to this though is that it’s absolutely okay to not want to share these vulnerable parts of yourself until you feel safe and you have trust with someone to be that vulnerable. For a lot of men this sort of thing comes with shame, particularly the worry that it will be exposed or talked about socially. Wanting to play out certain kinks and desires only in a loving, committed relationship with a completely trusted partner is also valid.

There are different levels to kink and this DP may not be a part of the community but rather just someone who has found they enjoy a particular thing and wants to explore it further with this partner.

There were absolutely parts of my sexuality I did not share with my DP until we reached certain levels of trust with each other, and he was just the same. Neither of us coerced each other into a loving relationship just to trap the other into fulfilling our kinks.

Ah yes, the women are responsible for the men hiding their kinks and so no wonder the men then suddenly announce their kink and try to coerce the unwilling partner to participate. Is it not the mums' faults as well? Obviously it's all on the wimmin.

I wonder if all the women stigmatising this realise that by doing so they are making it more likely men will stay quiet and they will get an unpleasant (for them) surprise late on into the relationship.

Remove the stigma = men are more honest sooner = neither of you gets your time wasted.

I am a member of the kink community...

Kinks like this very rarely go away. They usually intensify with experience and age.

He may say he is willing to forget about it, but I have heard too many stories of people cheating or ending a relationship after years because they can't live without it. (A lot of people have secret online emotional affairs and fantasy lives too).

Having a kink is valid. But wasting people's time and not being upfront and honest isn't okay.

A lot of men wait until they think the woman is too deep into the relationship to leave before they reveal kinks. It is a form of coercion and it is gross.

You have no right to be “pissed off” with him.

All men have the fun button in their butt. It’s normal to want it pressed by their loving partner. Unsurprisingly most men have a “secret” desire to be pegged or to use toys and experiment in this way. The reason it’s secret is shame and reactions like this to a perfectly normal intrigue.

If it helps, here’s a catchy jingle

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DHt29gByELc/?igsh=MWNrZWpyZ3hrOTRjNw==

Thank you for clarifying! That’s exactly what I was wondering - where the boundaries lie between fantasy, kink & fetish.

Fetish makes me think of an obsession that takes over someone’s life.

If you really cherished him, maybe should have given it a chance? At least he did open up

You've done the right thing. However, wasted an opportunity to pay him back for wasting your life for a year, by tying him up and telling him he has been a dirty naughty bastard whilst kicking him in the balls.

YANBU for ending a relationship for this or any other reason.

For me, I don't see men using sex toys as any different from women doing so. If it was finding out he was using toys solo on himself with these fantasies, I would lean towards being unreasonable in being furious on it just as I would if someone was pissed off at a woman using toys solo with the same; however, the issue is him pushing you to actively use them on him and to do so in this particular way. YANBU for being entirely uninterested and uncomfortable in being pushed to be part of that.

From what's written, it's not clear whether he's had this desire the entire relationship and I know I've been in relationships years before an interest comes up. That happens. The important part is accepting is the no. I get possibly wanting more than one conversation on it, but as he made an ultimatum on it, then he shouldn't be surprised it gets called and really, with a no, then the person who said no should be the one to decide if it should be brought back up again.

I think calling the guy a sick pervert or having a 'porn-addled brain' is ridiculous unless the person is willing to apply that to women with vibrators who fantasise about being dominated during sex. Similar with the names being thrown at that women who are okay with male partners using toys. I know MN is not a hivemind, but when we have threads on women with male partners who are against using sex toys during sex, the general opinion tends to be more than men need to accept they need assistance in the bedroom rather than the women must be watching porn or reading AO3 to get these ideas...

So fed up of men bringing their agendas to threads like this one.

You did the right thing to end the relationship OP, rather than go along with something you don’t want to but I can understand you feeling that he wasted your time. I think dealbreakers should be raised earlier than a year into a relationship.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was genuinely nervous to bring it up sooner, but unfortunately some men do wait longer to tell women things like this, as they think the woman won’t walk away from an established relationship and it can be a tactic they use to get what they want. You are better placed than any of us to know what sort of man he is and his reasons for waiting a year.

The problem with this sort of fetish (that he can't do without) is that it would creep into all aspects of your sex life. You would find yourself shoving things up his arse every night of the week and twice on Sundays with your own sexual needs a very poor second. There are a lot of men with fetishes and they are mostly shit in bed.

not sure you mean bribe. There was no bribe. He tried to persuade her but that’s not the same as bribing.

Some of the reactions on here make it pretty clear why it might take a straight man a year to feel comfortable raising with his female partner that he is interested in this.

Having said that, of course YANBU to break up with him if it’s not something you want to do.

I'm not at all kinky, but I don't think wanting to use toys is particularly fetishistic. Depends on the toys, I guess. As for being dominated, again it depends on the extent of that.

Anyway, it is of course up to you what you're willing to do in the bedroom (or outside it) and I do agree that a year is a long time to keep something secret that could be a relationship deal-breaker.

Fucking time waster. I'd be so pissed off at this manipulative behaviour. If he couldn't do without it, how has he managed this year? If he had a sexual fetish that was a big deal to him that should have been mentioned early doors. Now he's backpedalling.

There would be no judgement.from me (as long as between consenting adults). But I will be the one to decide if I want to agree to a known deal-breaker and I don't want to waste a year unsuspecting. It's common decency.

@ItGhoul you say that like it’s ok. Porn has made it worse. Choking, anal etc women and girls need to know it’s ok to say no and have boundaries

Thanks for the 15 loves/likes and counting. Good to see common sense is still common.

Got things to do, gotta fly. Just so nobody thinks I don't have an answer for their obvious shit posting 😂

Creepy, disgusting manpandering morons and fetishist men should piss off, but of course you won't because you like being coercive, it's how you get your jollies.

Anyone here defending fetishist, coercive men, pretending they're just super interested in the wide world of fetishism when we can literally find out anything and everything we want to know with two clicks on Google - we see you. We look down on you. You are pathetic, like any other coercive creep.

Anyone pretending not to understand my post which is crystal clear, I see you. I know exactly what you're doing. You are fooling nobody.

You don't horrify, scare or shock me. You're just incredibly boring, obvious and pitiful.

And with that, I must go.

OP, well done for dumping him. You will find someone who doesn't try to make you do things that turn you off.