Dumped my boyfriend after a year because he kept fetish secret

You aren’t being unreasonable. It risks being a fundamental incompatibility.

He may have kept pressuring you or gone elsewhere (a friend of mine was / is a sex worker and one of her regulars was a man who went to her for dom services. He was in a LTR but his partner did not want to get involved in this type of thing.)

It’s annoying he too so long to tell you. I remember dating a guy who told me his fetishes on the first date. I thought it was ridiculous to bring up sex so early but in hindsight was glad he did as it meant I did not waste time with a second date.)

I think you’ve done the right thing, and completely agree a year is too long for him to have waited to ask you that, given it sounds like it was a deal breaker for him (well I know he is now saying it isn’t- but as PPs have said, he will say what he thinks will get you back, but then either pressure you again later, or find what he needs elsewhere)

He should have found the courage to mention it earlier if it is so important.

Did you not feel like ramming something hard up his arse out of exasperation?

Sorry didn’t realise you are a qualified sexologist who has conducted authoritative research on what people do and don’t do in bed.

I don’t tell my friends details about my sex life, and I don’t think most adults do. I don’t think the conversations you have with your friends are giving you the wide-ranging in-depth insight into sexual behaviour you think they are.

You also haven’t explained why it’s supposedly self-evident that an interest in toys is a kink when it comes from men but not when it comes from women.

She absolutely has the right to be pissed off with him.

He wasted a year of her life, keeping this a secret and letting her think their sex life was enough for him when it clearly wasn't.

We are all well aware of where a man's G-spot is, dear. It doesn't mean we all want to fuck them up the ass, though. And guess what, if we don't want to, we don't have to.

This isn't that unusual or shocking a fetish especially given the biology of where the male prostrate is. But if the OP isn't into it then it's obviously entirely up to her whether she continues the relationship or not.

She doesn't get to be angry at him waiting a year to bring it up though. It's hardly first-date material. It's not really a preference that straight men parade around because the submissive aspect (and gay connotations) aren't deemed masculine. It takes time to trust a new partner enough to bring up some fantasies - one of mine I only told DP after four years (and some more of mine will only ever be in my own head). A year is fair, I'm not really sure what OP's ideal timeframe would have been.

Imagine if a woman, one year in, said to her boyfriend that she wanted to introduce toys into their sex life and he revolted in disgust, calling her a pervert. He wanted to end the relationship because she has a secret kink. She should have been up front straight away!

Well that's a nice little story you have created. The OP has not expressed disgust, she explicitly says she's not judgemental. She said she wasn't comfortable with doing what he wanted and the relationship continued until he began pressuring her to participate in his fetish. She has ended the relationship because they are not compatible. She is pissed off because he waited a year to tell her about something which is clearly important to him.

Women are not responsible for men's guilt or shame about their kinks and they have a right to end a relationship for any reason, including sexual incompatibility.

Isn't it funny how men having their kinks and fetishes pandered to is so fucking normalised that 'unpleasant surprises' are considered par for the course if someone finds it beyond the pale. They've got a right to their kink and other people have got a right to be repulsed by them.

Poor men and their inability to not cheat on partners who won't accommodate them sexually.

All of these people saying we should normalise kinks are actually saying that OP should put her discomfort and unwillingness to participate in this aside for the sake of her partner.

Fuck. THAT!

I'd be really turned off by this and highly likely to not want to be intimate with DP again, and my feelings are just as valid as his. End of.

These two are not sexually compatible. She is right to get out.

A whole year of her life, though?

I'd for sure be pissed off.

He cannot be dragging people along for that amount of time before dropping a bomb that big.

ThatNimblePeer

Always a sign of a poor debater with a poor argument - when they go for personal attacks.

Nothing to do with my personal activities.

This is simply not a very common/mainstream behaviour for hetero men.

That's one of the reasons he didn't raise it for a year.

Sorry that annoys you.

You come across as someone who defines ‘normal’ as ‘anything I want to do’, and ‘a kink/fetish’ as ‘anything someone else wants to do that I don’t want to do’. I’m going to take a wild guess that that doesn’t necessarily lend itself to the people in your life being very open with you.

Get it?

YANBU. I wouldn’t be interested in that either. He told you it was a dealbreaker so you broke off the deal. Out of curiosity, what sort of age are you guys / age decade? Did you love him very much & this just put you off him ?

We have a no holds (or is that holes?) barred style of conversation.

In general, I'd say it's not a mainstream/very common sexual interest or turn on for women.

If it was so common, this guy would have raised it early on.
Get it?

Imagine if a woman, one year in, said to her boyfriend that she wanted to introduce toys into their sex life and he revolted in disgust, calling her a pervert. He wanted to end the relationship because she has a secret kink. She should have been up front straight away!

You don't truly believe this is analogous, do you?

Are you just being disengenuous?

This is what I’ve been saying!

Imagine if a woman, one year in, said to her boyfriend that she wanted to introduce toys into their sex life and he revolted in disgust, calling her a pervert. He wanted to end the relationship because she has a secret kink. She should have been up front straight away!

But actually, this woman was just letting the relationship develop naturally and enjoying their sex life building and developing as many do. Some people wait 10 years before introducing toys, some never do but want to.

Imagine this woman then said: “If you’re going to call me a kinky pervert for having an interest in this additional pleasure, and outright refuse to ever do it, I don’t think we are compatible sexually going forward.” Would you all be saying that she sexually coerced this man into a loving relationship in order to force him into fulfilling her kinks..?

Or are sex toys exclusively for women?

Most sex toys for men are for penetration by them, not of them.

But you know that surely?

Toys for anal penetration of them are to fulfil a fetish, op doesn't want to get involved in that fetish. I wouldn't either. I like "tops" not "bottoms", bulls not twinks.

How do you know how many women would go for it? Why do you assume that an interest in pegging is something your female friends would share with you?

He should have raised it earlyish.

Yes, he's wasted your time.

He didn't not raise it because of shame and all that jazz the posters putting it back onto you are claiming. He didn't raise it because he knows few women would go for it and he thought if he got you invested he might have more success

I know few women who could be arsed (no pun intended) doing this or who wouldn't find it a turn off.

He needs to find his partners on fet life.

He's wasting people's time.

Yeah. It's not like he wants to involve other people or do anything painful/dangerous

Doesn't have to involve other people or be painful or dangerous to be a complete turn off.

(What a low bar anyway).

This would be a massive turn off to me.

Yeah. It's not like he wants to involve other people or do anything painful/dangerous.

If I were with someone for several months and trusted them I'd hope I'd be able to share with them my sexual likes and desires. Wouldn't OP want to do the same?

Communication is very important in relationships so maybe he should've raised it sooner. But OP's reaction of disgust is just going to make him feel ashamed when I don't think he's got anything to be ashamed for.

Oh come on, not to mention this aspect for a year? That is far too long.

This is an interesting point because actually, Women have kinks too.

But also, not every single sexual interest is a kink or a perversion. Women enjoy their nipples being sucked, this isn’t a kink it’s just a basic sexual pleasure. Likewise men with receiving anal pleasure.

It's quite interesting in a world where Lovehoney are advertising on TV regularly that so many people still seem horrified by the thought of adults using sex toys on each other. Or are sex toys exclusively for women?

Also, what makes people think that 'fetishes' (or what some might call kinks, or not even that really, I certainly wouldn't call it a kink) are fully formed at birth? You are within your rights to not want to partake of course, but the way it's framed is that if he never told you in the first year then he's never allowed to bring up anything 'new' ever again. That seems like a recipe for boredom. Doesn't it?

So after the first year everything that's never been broached is off the table forever? Wow. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

Perhaps there should be some arbitrary deadline where you both have to declare all your possible future interests or forever leave them behind - even the ones you didn't realise you wanted yet? Sounds ridiculous doesn't it. But that's what you're saying.

Also, I wonder what the reaction would be here if you had said that YOU wanted to use sex toys and HE was not into it. I bet all the forumers would be rushing to your defence, it being your 'right' as a liberated woman to enjoy sex in whatever way you pleased. I doubt anyone would be calling you a sick pervert or 'rapey'.

Assuming you’re a straight woman and enjoy penetration - is that a kink? If not, why is it a kink for men to enjoy it?