Dumped my boyfriend after a year because he kept fetish secret

You're not being unreasonable to end things but I think it's not fair to say he's wasted a year of your life. I'm sure you've had some good times together and perhaps he thought he'd be able to suppress his fetish or was waiting for the right time to bring the subject up. Be glad of the good times and be gracious in saying goodbye.

Presumably he's been having sex with her for a year under the pretext that he is happy with the arrangement, when he's not. How long exactly IS too long, for you? Should OP have still sucked it up if he'd wasted 5 years of her life? 10?!

I don't know how old OP is, but if eg she's in her 30's and wants to start a family, her time IS important and has absolutely been wasted on a man who painted himself as happy and committed but in fact had caveats that their future was hung upon, of which she knew nothing.

That's hardly a great situation for OP.

Unless you're 38 and desperate for a baby, I think its fine that he chose to tell you at a point he felt comfortable.

In your opinion, not mine.

At what point in a relationship do you have to share everything about yourself? 3 months? 6?

Op has done the right thing ending it, but that doesn't mean he did the wrong thing by waiting until he was comfortable enough to share his fantasy/kink/preference/whatever you want to call it.

I've already said that I don't believe there's a reasonable timeframe. Divulging your sexual fantasies is a deeply personal thing and you'd be rightly horrified if a woman said her male partner was pressuring her to do so before she was ready.

Some people are ready on the first date and some people take years and both of those are perfectly OK.

Dating is the first few months before you become serious/exclusive.

They had been together for a year and talked about their future.

He could have been upfront 6 months ago rather than making future plans.

You've done the right thing OP

Im.sute you're intelligent enough to work out a reasonable timeframe.

A year in is not it.

Do tell us the exact timeframe it becomes Not OK then? I wasn't aware that relationships had a "now you must reveal your entire unvarnished self to your partner" deadline.

We should certainly normalise kinks that are harmless between two people enjoy them, yes. Nobody should be doing anything they don’t want to do, whether that’s using a toy on a man’s backside, or having sex in the missionary position. But equally nobody should be making other adults feel like shit for something they enjoy. Why would you want someone to feel miserable because they happen to enjoy something in the privacy of their bedroom with a consenting partner? Why?

Exactly.

You can't put a timeline on when you feel comfortable enough in a relationship to reveal something you fear you might be judged for. I certainly wasn't ready after a year to reveal my deepest sexual fantasies to DP.

It's a bit like blaming a lesbian or gay teenager for keeping their sexuality a secret from everyone they know before coming out. That's not something other people get to judge them on.

At the very least you need to be assured that even if your partner doesn't share your fantasies, they'll react with compassion and no judgment. It's actually clear that a year for this guy was way too soon to reveal them to the OP.

They absolutely are, that's how free speech works. I was just surprised pp felt so strongly about it.

Not posting this on my main because it makes me feel icky still to this day, but I was in a similar situation years ago. When I was really young. Stayed together because he said he could go with out it… he couldn’t. He constantly tried to pressure me into having sex with another man while he watched and also pee on him. I did not do it thank god. I did later find out he had been showing people naked pictures of me and trying to get his mates to try it on with me. I just thought he had bad friends, but no, it was all orchestrated. Including the time one of them “accidentally” came into our hotel room when we were having sex. His ex before me reached out to me as well and said he did the same, except she did it and was quite emotionally damaged by it. Maybe yours won’t, but these men with fetishes (if it is a true “fetish”) will need it sooner or later. On a less serious note, he was always trying to prove he liked “normal people” sex, which he was objectively terrible at.

I think if you have a fetish, you need to mention it early on. Not first date territory “hello, how was your journey? Anyway I like to be tied up and have a carrot shoved up my ass”. But you should be honest early on, otherwise it’s a relationship built on a false premise.

Leave now, and find someone you’re sexually compatible with.

This makes no sense.

But that aside not everybody here is stigmatising it. Just saying it is fair for OP to end a relationship over this.

@FeministUnderTheCatriarchy

“And honestly, I’ve seen this so often—both here on MN and in real life—where men reveal these things only once they feel the woman is too emotionally invested to leave.”

This.

Honestly a year in is not the dating phase. It’s a full blown committed partnership. To wait one year to reveal something you apparently “cannot live without” is not merely waiting to feel comfortable. It’s waiting until you feel the woman is so emotionally invested she won’t want to leave and will try to accommodate.

She doesn't get to be angry at him waiting a year to bring it up though. It's hardly first-date material

There are 365 days between first date and a year in.

Why should he divulge his fantasies before he's ready though?

Nobody should be forced to do anything sexual on anyone else's timescale imo.

Op was clearly enjoying dating him so it's not like a total waste of time, she had fun, then found out they weren't compatible long term. It happens.

He had no right to conceal something from her that to him was a dealbreaker and he knew - or at least assumed - would be a turn off.

I don’t think it’s fair to blame women for men being deceptive or withholding information.

If someone doesn’t accept you and your desires/kinks etc - they’re not for you and you are free to move on and find someone better suited. And so are they - but you shouldn’t hide things like that.

It’s better for both parties in the long term if they are honest earlier on.

I think the reactions on this thread are EXACTLY why the guy waited a year to bring this up. Much better for him to bury his thoughts and get on with being a man the way you want him to be.
Also... some women enjoy anal. You do know that right? You all speak like this is something women only do because porn taught men it was normal.

I feel it depends on each relationship but for me personally I’d say before I have sex. I was planning on having sex towards the second month of dating so I’d discussed kinks (or in our case the absence of them) with my boyfriend by then.

And whether you had sex or not I’d definitely expect someone to raise it by the 3rd or 4th month. A year is far too long to be “building confidence”

I had someone tell me online before the first date they were into something I wasn’t (voyeurism i think they called it ). It was a no for me but I thanked them and appreciated the honesty and didn’t think they were being vulgar getting that in early.

You know that if he'd told her on the first date and she'd posted about it, we'd have 20 pages calling him a perv (which is why I imagine he waited).

Then she'd just be pissed off that he wasted "three months" or "six months" if it wasn't a year.

Ideally in a relationship you would indeed focus on each other's G spots so I'm not sure why that expectation annoys you? If the man isn't focusing on yours bin him off obviously. And in the OP's case she doesn't want to and that's her prerogative.

I wonder where people would put the line between 'not comfortable enough in the early stages, and need time to build up the confidence to open up about these things'...vs... ''it's been too long, now I feel I've wasted time on a relationship... I wish he'd just have told me'.

Every single person in the whole world judges all the time, you are judging me for this, I have judged you for your post. We judge, all of us, to stay safe.
So DO be judgemental, it's your right and you must do so to stay safe. Your ancestors being judgemental - using their judgement - is the reason you exist today.
Judging doesn't mean that we gossip or try to set out to hurt someone, of course, it just means we use our judgement and make our own choices and have our own boundaries. As is our right.

completely agree @Ohdearieme2025

It’s not like many straight men bother to send time searching for the female G spot after all… Yet women are expected to focus on the man’s?! I think not!

YANBU OP, personally I’d have been put off by that instantly and it’s actually great he pushed you into leaving him by saying it was a dealbreaker although he’s now tried to backtrack.

I don’t think you’re sexually compatible and it’s best you go your separate ways. The past is the past and it’s done now but I do feel it was unwise at best and deceptive at worst to not share this information with you.

I believe he took this long because he thought it would probably be a turn off but he’s doing himself a disservice there too as he could’ve invested that time into finding someone who does accept and enjoy it. there’s someone for everyone.

A reminder that it’s a good idea to discuss kinks early on and even if you don’t have any make that clear to your partner and enquire about theirs so you at least open up the conversation.