Dumped my boyfriend after a year because he kept fetish secret

Absolutely.

My experiences are the same.

MN sex and kink threads attract an unrepresentative audience.

That's odd because as a 40 odd year old who has been sexually active from 16 I've never had a partner been remotely interested in it.

So I did a straw poll in my social circle ranging from late twenties to late fifties, singles, lone parents, divorced etc...A couple have a high number of previous partners. Not one of them has ever been asked or had desire expressed.

So I call bullshit on your 'most' assertion.

I wonder how many women 'suddenly' wanted to try BDSM in the wake of the 50 shades of Grey books...?

I never said it was. My point is more generally that apparently a lot of people are very judgemental about these things where the media has kind of led me to believe that people are more open about things these days... and also that sex toys are only for men to use on women, apparently.

So you didn’t go into the relationship hiding a big part of your sexual preferences from your partner? And you didn’t threaten to leave your partner if they weren’t up to exploring with you?

So really your situation isn’t at all comparable

No. But we had been together several years before I brought things up. And it wasn't that I 'hid' them earlier on, it was more that they developed over time. Obviously I don't know how I would have reacted but I am sure I wouldn't have left or threatened to leave to get my own way. I brought something else up much later, like 20 years down the line, and again this was something that I'd never really heard of when I was in my 20s or 30s. Thankfully my partner gave it a go, and it worked out well for both of us in the end... so again I know I am very lucky.

JFC. You have to wonder what has happened to these people to make them turn out so (sorry) fucking weird.

I once dated a guy who wanted to be submissive and wear a cock cage, and he just used the "dynamic" as a way to be deeply controlling (and never stopped going on about his kinks). Turned out he was about as submissive as Pol Pot...

Because when he thought he had her trapped in the relationship, after a year and talking about the future, he told her about the fetish and said he didn't think he could live much longer without it...

Then, as soon as she says, okay bye... suddenly he's devastated even suddenly he's telling her he can live without it.

Seriously, I don't understand why people can't see the manipulation here!

Personally, I wouldn't call it bribing.

How about the point where he told her she needed to get on board with it because he couldn't live without it, then when she says okay bye-bye, suddenly he's devastated and can live without it??

Do you really need the manipulation spelt out to you any more clearly?

Agree it’s ok to be annoyed. He had plenty of time in the past year to tell you this.

@RobynRB would you have negatively judged your partner and left if they hadn't agreed to participate in your fetishes?

You've done the right thing. There was potential with a man years ago, all good on paper until he told me that he liked to wear nappies on occasion and be looked after and 'cleaned up'. It was a hard no from me. He's been with his current gf for years now and seems happy. But I often wonder if this is part of their life.

Yes, you can say in a general way that you are a bit kinky without having to go into detail.

He definitely could have given a bit of a heads up in conversation in the first month that he had some fetishes and how would she feel.
Perfectly reasonable to say.
12 months is a major waste of her time.

After a day of reflection, I would like to thank the people in this thread for making me realise just how utterly amazing my partner is for accepting me and my 'perversions'. I realize now that perhaps I have taken my situation for granted in that not only do they not judge me for my weird 'fetishes' but actively engage. In future I am going to make every effort to let them know how much I appreciate their kindness and understanding, because God knows I wouldn't want to be single again and having to explain all this shit to someone within a month in case I'm labelled a timewaster...

I think it depends on the OP age. I’ve had my share of relationships that didn’t work out. I am now 39 and want kids. A boyfriend waiting a year to reveal something they know could well be a dealbreaker is wasting time I no longer have.

If they are early 20s time may be less a factor. But for some women wasting a year is a big deal

He has shared, she is not into it. They have both come to the conclusion they are sexually incompatible. That’s fine.

No, that's not what happened. He shared, she wasn't into it, he said that was fine. He later said he didn't think he could continue the relationship if she wouldn't do it. She said OK, the relationship is over then. He said oh I didn't mean it, I want to continue the relationship.

He's messing her around. He tried to manipulate her, she called his bluff and now he's trying to backtrack.

Guaranteed if she'd stayed with him she wouldn't have heard the last of it.

as someone who is into kink. YANBU.

It HAS to be mutual, safe, and comfortable for both of you, and trying to persuade someone who has clearly stated it isn't their thing, isn't ok.

It is absolutely fine to break off a relationship because you've discovered an incompatibility, never mind because of him trying to push you into trying it when you said no.

Should kink be more normalised? Probably a bit, at least to stop the shrieking about it when the subject comes up, but it doesn't follow that anyone should be pushed/talked into doing anything sexually they're not 100% enthusiastically up for... that isn't what consent is, and kink has to be about consent first.

This is exactly my point too. PP leaping to say OP should not be guilted into having sex she doesn’t want are missing the point. We aren’t saying her DP was vulnerable and therefore she should oblige. He has shared, she is not into it. They have both come to the conclusion they are sexually incompatible. That’s fine.

If OP feels her time was wasted, that’s fair too but it doesn’t mean that was this man’s intention, or that he was deliberately concealing. Perhaps in future relationships as OP knows now this is a dealbreaker she should prompt early discussion of sexual compatibility. Outlining early that pegging is a big no for her and giving anal pleasure will never be on the table.

"I don’t think they wait to share because they are worried about being shamed. They just want yo wait for a point until the woman is so invested she is willing to do it to keep the relationship."

Maybe this is an age thing? I wouldn't be surprised if younger people are more open about their 'kinks' off the bat, but my generation (55) I feel like would definitely not feel comfortable opening up about wanting to be pegged early in a relationship. I can see why it is wasting time for both parties, but at the same time it's a matter of feeling comfortable with the person and feeling like you can trust them not to go round telling everyone they know that you split up because you're a massive pervert.

Yeah I very much respected the fact of someone was being upfront about their dealbreaker even if I was a bit taken aback. I think many men would have no problem finding a woman who share their fetish if they adopted the approach of being honest straight off the bat to eliminate the sexually incompatible ones early.

I don’t think they wait to share because they are worried about being shamed. They just want yo wait for a point until the woman is so invested she is willing to do it to keep the relationship.

I agree, it’s less about fear of being shamed and more hoping the woman is so hooked by the time he shares it that she’ll go along with it to please him.

That strategy clearly backfired in this instance. Hopefully he’s learned his lesson and doesn’t waste his own and anyone else’s time for a full year again before sharing what is clearly a dealbreaker.

@PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt why do you feel you were being referenced as judgemental?!

Best tell that to the people who have been very vocal that this man should have told op on a timescale that they have decided rather than his at a timing of his own comfort then.

I have also never said op was judgemental.

He decided when he was comfortable enough to tell op, op decided to dump him.

Both are in the right.

Nobody should be forced to do anything sexual on anyone else's timescale imo.
Nobody should be forced to do anything sexual ever.
No matter the manipulative use of 'I'm so vulnerable now I've told you.... wahhhh" of the actual person, or the 'ohmygaahhhd how judgemental and mean are you to the poor wee lamb of a man' guilt trips from the handmaidens!!!

IMO, it's 2025... have the convo early. First date put it on the table. "I'm into s&m". Put it in your OLD profile. Nowadays, OLD and first dates are a lot more like job interviews. People aren't put off by upfront talk.