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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I greedy, or was my friend out of order?

218 replies

SummaLuvin · 06/04/2025 08:36

Went out to dinner last night with a group friends (8 of us in total some single some with partners) all lovely, great to have a catch up. One of them, Milly, is a bit difficult at times, but she is part of the group and can be thoughtful and great fun. When it came to ordering puds some of the group got one, some didn’t, DH and I decided to get the sharing plate with 3 mini desserts. For clarity we always split the bill based on what we ordered. When our dessert was put down between DH and me with 2 spoons, Milly (who was sat next to us) said to the waitress “can we have another spoon please”. One for her to also tuck into our dessert. I was a bit shocked as this wasn’t discussed. Then cue Milly, who couldn’t reach the plate saying “oooh banoffee is my favourite dessert, I really love it…” I of course made sure I ate that up so she didn’t get a look in, but let her have some of the strawberry cheesecake which I wasn’t fussed on. I generally see myself as quite laid back but felt this behaviour was pretty outrageous and not on, but given she was so brash about it I wondered if maybe I was uptight and greedy?

OP posts:
squashyhat · 06/04/2025 09:52

HelenWheels · 06/04/2025 08:39

she was totally ignorant

Ignorant of what?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 06/04/2025 09:50

Does she get out much? Because the only explanation I can think of is that she's never actually met a 'sharing plate' idea before and assumed that a 'sharing platter' is for EVERYONE who wants to, to dig into. The fact it was put between your DH and you and only two spoons might not have registered...

Is she, basically, as thick as mince?

Rightsraptor · 06/04/2025 09:50

Her default manipulation strategy is crying??? Wow.

Avoid

SedumRoof · 06/04/2025 09:48

For heaven’s sake, OP. This, like about 60% of what’s on here, is a ‘Use your words’ situation. It’s not wildly unusual for big tables where not everyone is ordering dessert to share, and for the waiters to bring extra spoons to facilitate this. If you were only prepared to share with your DH and someone misunderstood, your choice was either to say so or to deal with the consequences. If a fellow adult burst into tears because you didn’t let her eat your banoffee, that’s on her.

Tbrh · 06/04/2025 09:48

I don't think I could get worked up about sharing a dessert tbh unless I didn't like the person or they had form for being cheap

Rightsraptor · 06/04/2025 09:47

Was she confused by three puds, so in her CF scheme of things it was one each, therefore one was going begging?

Whatever, it was unacceptable behaviour from her.

Original poster
SummaLuvin · 06/04/2025 09:47

How has this friendship group come about ? She sounds like a PITA, is she someones partner in the group and therefore someone that has appeared and not been chosen?

Friends at school, and decades later still friends. She isn't a +1 or partner. She can be a PITA, and perhaps is the hardest work of everyone, but it's easy to paint someone badly when only sharing a single interactions, in a wider context she can be also a good friend. It would feel cruel to exclude her.

OP posts:
Motomum23 · 06/04/2025 09:46

You need to be more upfront OP - cFs only survive because people don't stand up to them.... sorry milly we are not up for sharing. End of conversation.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 06/04/2025 09:43

HelenWheels · 06/04/2025 08:47

i do know that

why disagree with my opinion like this?

Show quote history

Cos that's how the vipers roll dear 😂

Hairymunter · 06/04/2025 09:43

It always amuses me when some posters correct the use of the word ignorant.
Ironically they are ignorant of the word also to mean rude and become quite ignorant in their responses when it's pointed out 🙂

Love51 · 06/04/2025 09:40

AndImBrit · 06/04/2025 09:12

Those spurious online dictionaries, like the Oxford English Dictionary, the Cambridge Dictionary and the Collins Dictionary (which all say ignorant can mean rude).

Edited
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Thanks @AndImBrit
I'd previously checked it in the Cambridge - I admire your persistence in checking other sources!
It seems that some of the people attacking those who know that words can have more than one meaning are being ignorant in both senses of the word, which might be where the second meaning of ignorant originated!

WinterMorn · 06/04/2025 09:39

This whole story and the lack of reaction from OP at the time seems so far fetched.

sharkanado · 06/04/2025 09:36

Cool

Teanbiscuits33 · 06/04/2025 09:36

sharkanado · 06/04/2025 09:32

If you were talking to someone for example, and they were ignoring you, would you not say, ‘’stop being ignorant?’’

No, I would say "stop ignoring me" 🤷🏻‍♀️

There is more than one way of wording things, though. I’ve definitely heard loads of people call someone who refuses to acknowledge something as ignorant, but perhaps it’s more of a regional thing. I’ve learned something new today, it seems 🤣

sharkanado · 06/04/2025 09:32

If you were talking to someone for example, and they were ignoring you, would you not say, ‘’stop being ignorant?’’

No, I would say "stop ignoring me" 🤷🏻‍♀️

ViciousCurrentBun · 06/04/2025 09:28

How has this friendship group come about ? She sounds like a PITA, is she someones partner in the group and therefore someone that has appeared and not been chosen?

I have a friend and after a decade she met and married a man that I really don’t like spending time with. So we see each other less now. She lives about an hour away, I passed her area a few days ago, in the past I would have popped in if she was free but these days I just don’t and don’t mention I have been passing.

Teanbiscuits33 · 06/04/2025 09:23

sharkanado · 06/04/2025 09:13

She was ignorant about the correct behaviour and of how OP might have felt about her muscling in on her dessert.

How do we know that? Perhaps she was fully aware but just didn't care.

Ignorant to me means either not knowledgeable about something or not acknowledging something and therefore being ignorant to it.

If you were talking to someone for example, and they were ignoring you, would you not say, ‘’stop being ignorant?’’

Peachy2005 · 06/04/2025 09:23

“Ignorant” is also commonly used as “ignorant of manners”, in my experience… I’ve also heard people called “pig ignorant” for having no manners!

applemash · 06/04/2025 09:18

SummaLuvin · 06/04/2025 09:16

I quite agree, she is clueless when it comes to other peoples feelings. But when I was doubting if I was right, I really didn't want to deal with her crying - which very likely would have happened if she was called out even in the nicest way - and then have 2 of the other girls have to 'console' her. Even if I was in the right it's not the mood you want, I guess in the moment I decided the lesser evil was her getting some of the pud I didn't like.

Show quote history

Totally get that but crying is incredibly manipulative - it's not being sensitive, it's a strategy and where does it end? - will she cry because you dont give her money? will she cry because you dont take on her on holiday with you?

Why is everyone enabling this woman and infantilising her as if she's a 7 year old throwing a tantrum?

sharkanado · 06/04/2025 09:16

Either way she was rude to expect the OP to share.

Original poster
SummaLuvin · 06/04/2025 09:16

applemash · 06/04/2025 09:10

She can be sensitive too, and I didn't want to be abrupt and change the mood for everyone else given we don't see each other anywhere near enough!

What you really mean is - she is sensitive when it comes to HER wants and feelings and has zero sensitivity to anyone else's. These people always get described as sensitive and yet they show fck all sensitivity to anyone else's feelings - funny that! It's not rude to just say jokingly "Oi! this is our dessert, lets call the waitress over so you can order one for you if you love banoffee" - there is no way on earth anyone could possibly become offended by that unless they have all the sensitivity of a concrete brick.

I quite agree, she is clueless when it comes to other peoples feelings. But when I was doubting if I was right, I really didn't want to deal with her crying - which very likely would have happened if she was called out even in the nicest way - and then have 2 of the other girls have to 'console' her. Even if I was in the right it's not the mood you want, I guess in the moment I decided the lesser evil was her getting some of the pud I didn't like.

OP posts:
SwanOfThoseThings · 06/04/2025 09:15

It's really annoying when people muscle in on your pudding. It's fine to ask about sharing one at the ordering stage, because the other person is free to decline, but not to assume it's OK and ask for a spoon when it arrives. Even if you intend to pay for it, that's still rude - if you don't intend to pay for it, that's even worse.

CatrionaBalfour · 06/04/2025 09:14

sharkanado · 06/04/2025 09:13

She was ignorant about the correct behaviour and of how OP might have felt about her muscling in on her dessert.

How do we know that? Perhaps she was fully aware but just didn't care.

True

sharkanado · 06/04/2025 09:13

She was ignorant about the correct behaviour and of how OP might have felt about her muscling in on her dessert.

How do we know that? Perhaps she was fully aware but just didn't care.

CatrionaBalfour · 06/04/2025 09:13

Also: ignorant does mean rude. That's very commonly used in Scotland.