To be terrified of being a MIL one day?!

I love my MIL, she is non-judgemental and helpful, the opposite of my own mum.

Our son in law is lovely. He likes us very much (we’re told 😁). We’re ourselves with him. We don’t poke our noses into their business or comment on the upbringing of their child (they’re far better parents than we were anyway).
We see the family at least once a week and all get along really well.

I wouldn’t normally come on MN to talk about him. I suspect the only people who do do so because they’re complaining about their in laws.

Don’t worry. Welcome the girlfriend/wife. Be friendly, open to offer advice/opinions when you’re asked for them, but not otherwise, and keep a respectful distance.

Just remember, if ds doesn’t call you, that’s his choice. His wife isn’t banning him from speaking to you. Dh always used to use me as an excuse to end the conversation - better go as dw needs me to do x, y, z…. It was just his way to end the call but mil got upset as I “always made him end the call early”. Nope ds was done and trying to be polite!

I don’t hate mil at all but all our issues would be solved if she spoke to dh and didn’t make up scenarios in her head.

Nice people make nice MILs. I loved mine (she passed some years ago now, and is still a big loss in my life).

I think my mother law is wonderful, kind, caring and loves our child. She lives close by but doesn't 'drop in' we get invites for family events a few times of year and we can instagate other things on our schedule.

I regularly encourage partner to invite them to things and also take a step back so they can have some time alone with him and DD.

Two sons. But I get on really well with my MIL.

I’m not worried. As a mum of 2 boys I have brought them up to be respectful of women and we have had the conversation that if/ when they get married or have long term partners and kids that will be their primary family and their priority. We have also spoken about controlling behaviour and abusive relationships as their dad is very controlling and has unfortunately been abusive to several women. So they hopefully know the signs of an abusive controlling relationship both as the abuser and the person being abused. If they end up in a non abusive relationship they know that I am more than happy to not be their priority in that situation.
I will go out of my way to be kind and thoughtful to their partners. If they choose to keep me at a distance then I will respect that and see my friends/ other family etc. My boys are my priority but I also have a life as I am aware that it isn’t healthy for me to be their priority.
who knows if this will actually work but it’s what I believe at the moment…

I worry a bit more about being MIL to my daughter’s partner because of the general standard of what women accept in men. He will have to be an absolute top notch human or I will dislike him!

First MIL was a real gem. Current MIL total opposite in every way possible. She’s in my life to teach me something I believe…

Sorry, to add to my long post- I think it helps to keep your own life interesting and full with work, hobbies, friends etc.

My mum is similar to yours. My sister is her golden child and bestie and the way she talks about my sister’s partner and his family is not great. Ramped up after my sister had a baby.

With my DH, she gets along very well. Completely different person with him.

I got on with DS ex GF really well, that’s one thing you don’t realise is that when their relationship is over so is yours. Especially if like DS no children and still very young. His new GF is lovely but only met her once so far. He apparently warned her that we were like Jackie and Martin on Friday Night Dinner and she has agreed. I must admit we are a bit, I mean they aren’t awful people are they just a little eccentric. DH does eat out of date food in spectacular fashion like Martin to prove a point.

The thing is, OP, that people only write about bad behaviour.

I am sure that I am not alone in having had the most wonderful MIL and PIL in the world. Unlike my DParents, they were kind, treated me as an adult, couldn’t do enough for my DC when they came along, came on holiday with us and were generally adored and supported by all of their DC and their partners until the day they died.

My DParents, on the other hand, were snobs, looked down on my DH and PILs, bad-mouthed my DH because of his profession and were reluctant to help (but needed help themselves, which, due to his work pattern, as they got older, my DH gladly ferried them around to hospital appointments, took them on days out with the DC while I was working and generally displayed all the traits he’d inherited from his DParents to become such a wonderful human being)

My PILs showed me how to be when my DC started bringing friends, then boy/girlfriends around - all the friends wanted to spend time at our house, especially when they needed support for whatever phase of growing up they were going through. Now I will be the same kind of MIL that mine was - and this is confirmed by my first affianced DC, so Thank you, MIL, for the fantastic example of in-law-hood that you gave me!

My parents in law are lovely. They are elderly now but i’ve had no issues at all. Not everyone hates their in-laws.

Your version of real life & mine sound very different then. I know a good few people with very challenging MiLs (myself included) and unfortunately for some of my friends there seems to be plenty of the useless husbands/dps about too!

OP the fact you're worrying about it though means you're already on the right track & will likely make an effort to be kind and welcoming to any potential future DiL. Like PP have said, nobody is starting a thread about unproblematic & lovely MiL but there's plenty out there.

Yes, I agree with this. It's out of your control to a certain extent. You can only control your own behaviour and sometimes that's not enough.

True , equally there could be a nasty DIL . I've had 2 experiences, first marriage, my in-laws were amazing my MIL was an angel and we treated eachother with love and respect. Second marriage no matter how nice I was to my MIL , she was just super sneaky, controlling had this unhealthy attachment towards grandchild and caused major arguments between myself and husband, but she'd do it on purpose, but he'd have no idea. We ended up getting a divorce.
I think it's true in any relationship, if you are both kind , respectful and loving it will be successful. Any negative behavior from either person it will not be a good relationship.

But yo answer OP question , she said she was scared to be a MIL as s lot of hatred, so simple to that is , be a decent MIL and she will be ok

I worry more about becoming one of these MILs!

Absolutely this! I thought I was a kind, generous and pretty laid back person until I met my DIL! I could do nothing right. Ever. Luckily my son recognised her controlling, jealous and manipulative behaviour and she’s now my ex DIL, and he has a new partner who thinks I’m kind, generous and laid back. It’s not always the MILs at fault but we suffered years of heartache because of this

I don't worry so much about being a mother in law, more about my son having a parter that is good for him and they are happy.

I know they will be adukts capable of naking thier own choices, but people do make the wrong choice. Some men are awful to thier partners and everyone is sympathetic, but some women are awful too and people seem less sympathetic to men in that scenario.

I think it's very hard being the mum of a son or daughter in a toxic relationship and getting that right.

This is where I see MN as being unhelpful sometimes- people largely post the bad stuff and the bad stuff is so varied- MILs who are too distant and uninvolved, MILs who are too close and over-involved, MILs who buy unsuitable gifts, MILs who ask for gift suggestions and hence add to the mental load of other people, MILs who tell their DGC off, MILs who just sit there while the DGC run riot…if you relied on MN you’d think being a good MIL was impossible, and yet lots of us have them 🤷‍♀️

My tips- your main influence on your son is how you behave yourself towards your MIL, if you have one. Do you try to nurture a good relationship? Are you someone who tries to accept difference and see the best in people? Or do you behave like you’re in Eastenders any time you perceive a slight? A lot of MIL posts on here seem to stem from a place of outrage on the part of both MIL and DIL that another woman might dare to know and love her son/husband. Cultivate a mentality of plenty- the more love the better, and if you and her see your son differently that’s because he’s more than just a son or just a husband. Don’t fall into a scarcity mindset where his love for her means less love for you. Be slow to take offence.

My MIL is lovely, she expresses her opinions but not in a pushy way and we genuinely get along great. My mother on the other hand I've no doubt she will be the kind of MIL that gets written on mumsnet, my 3 brothers will need to be prepared to deal with her or their partners will be in for a rough ride. She's pushy, opinionated and if you don't agree with her she becomes arsey.

She tends to leave me and my youngest brother alone as we've never particularly bowed down to her demands but the 2 in the middle just go along with her for a quiet life.

My MIL lives on another continent but she's great- she always takes my side and tells DH off if she feels he's being unfair. Its wonderful 😁

Unless her son marries a woman who is manipulative, self serving, jealous and controlling. Then OP can be as normal and decent as can be and her DiL could still make her life a misery. MiL and DiL are not seperate species, with one being the problem and the other the victim. They are simply women at different life stages and with different relationships to the man they have in common. Most of us will be both DiL and MiL, and those who are MiL from hell now would have been making some poor MiLs life a misery back in the day. The OP can try her best to make the relationship work from her side, but she can't guarantee she will have a DiL who reciprocates. In fairness, in real life I don't see the negativity towards MiLs that appears on here. My Ddil is a delight and our relationship is lovely and my friends get on very well with their DiLs too.

@Allswellthatendswelll usually a back story of wanting to be waited on, being disrespectful and rude and snatching babies out of arms whilst simultaneously saying breast feeding is bad because no one else can bond with baby.