To be terrified of being a MIL one day?!

Oh and just to add, the risk is much greater than any caused by your son in law. Unless he is down right abusive, its highly unlikely your son in law will excercise any control or restrictions or otherwise have any problem with your relationship with your daughter. He won't see you as a competitor.

I don't 'take offence' as a mother of sons to MiL threads, my DiL is anazing, so they dont resonate with my life. But they do touch a nerve in the way threads about other interpersonal relationships don't.
I strongly dislike the way they pit women against women, the ageist and sexist stereotypes that have MiLs always in the role of villain. The insulting pop pyscology that invariably has older mums of boys accused of jealousy, bitterness, wanting to have another go at being a mother via their GC, being controlling, demanding, you name it, often for little more than wanting to be more involved in their sons life than his wife deems convenient.
The othering of older mums of boys as these difficult creatures that young women must fight against. The underlying possessiveness and competition over a man that turns women against each other.
The assumption, there in your last paragraph that it's the MiLs own fault by default, as any problems could be avoided if she'd raised her son right. Like no one raised well ever ends up with a partner who turns out to be controlling, unpleasant or otherwise difficult.
I can well understand why young mums of boys see these threads and worry, if often all that stands between them and being forced into this despised role, is their DiLs subjective judgement.

You have to hope they don't get a wife that is jealous of her husbands love for his family, Chances are they won’t.

I have 2 lovely MILs. One is step-MIL but we are all a close-knit so I don’t differentiate. I’m very lucky.

If the grandchildren make lots of effort with your mum then they obviously weren't that absorbed into their wives families. They make an effort with your mum because she's their grandma? I think there is also a lot of confirmation bias

My own ILs complain frequently that we see my family more than them, but in actual fact we see ILs about twice as much as my family.

These threads are so odd

Everyday on Mn people post countless threads about not getting on with their DHs, their friends, their colleagues, their parents, siblings and yes their ILs. Sometimes it's the poster who's U, sometimes not

For some reason people with sons take personal offense to MIL threads. As if MILs aren't just one of the wide range of people posted about.

Is there a chance your son could marry someone who doesn't get on with you? Yes. But no more chance than your daughter. There's no additional risk there providing your son too isn't a knob head

No one is going to post about how they get on reasonably well with their MIL. It's a predominatly female site so it's going to be mostly DHs and their family.

When DIL/MIL relationships break down its often blamed on the women, but actually I think it's mostly the son. Either being lazy or not communicating with parties involved. Raise your son well, to be an equal partner who pulls his weight and your relationship will likely be fine

Don’t be a dickhead and you’ll be fine.

Exactly.

@ChronicallyOnLime

In my quieter moments yes I do worry about the relationship between any future daughter in law.
I adopted my son when he was 8, he's my only child and we have overcome lots of challenges together. We have also had lots of wonderful adventures together. We are exceptionally close and I have probably at times been a bit over protective of him and he of me.
He will however be 21 soon, and is away at uni. Over the last two years I have stepped back a lot because I can see he has become the young man I wanted him to be, which is independent, hard working, aspirational. He will still come to me for advice but he makes his own decisions.

In my family, I have watched my three brothers marry perfectly nice women who get on well with my mum. But because they come from fairly typical scouse Irish families with lots of sisters, aunts, cousins etc who are lively and energetic, my brothers have become absorbed into their wives families, there has been no falling out, just a lack of time given to my family. Interestingly the grandchildren, all grown up now with their own young families make much more of an effort with my mum. Maybe it's because they are the only set of grandparents left.
Who knows?
I'd like to think I would be a good MiL. I won't be banging at the door of the delivery room, I can understand why a woman would want their own mum around when they have just given birth.
And quite frankly as I've never had a baby I'm in no position to offer advice on babies so I wouldnt even try. I'm not in the market for full time childcare, or demanding baby sleepovers, but more than happy to help out on a regular basis and emergencies. I'd like to be the sort of nan who sends kids back home covered in flour and carrying a cake or with sand in their shoes because we've been to the beach for the day. I'd like to take them to my allotment and have sunflower competitions. When they are old enough I'd like to take them on bucket and spade holidays and show them where I took their dad.
I would be terribly hurt to be excluded from my son and his families life, because they couldn't make a bit of an effort.

My DH got on very well with my mother.
I get on really well with my DiL, she is really a lovely, kind and caring woman and it was lovely to welcome her into the family. She makes my son very happy and loves him. What more can I ask for?

It’s this, in a nutshell and is true of many issues that crop up on here. Blended families, partners being crap etc. People post when there’s a problem.

It is people’s real experiences, but we tend to only see the negative ones because at heart, MN is somewhere posters come for support. No need for support if everything is going swimmingly.

I think the fact you are even thinking about this op means you won't be a nightmare MIL

This was 100% me. Then the bad relationship ended and I adore his g/f that he has now. Happy MiL all round!

I have cold politeness with my mil I only wish she could extend the same rather than snark.

Her daughter doesn’t like her mil either. I can see her being a mil from hell as well to her gaggle of mummies princes who run riot yet never don’t wrong.

The best marriage in my friendship circle married an orphan his such a lovely chap too would give you the shirt off his back.

A lot of mil issues are also husband issues where he either won’t stand up for his wife or actively lets his wife take the blame for his shitness.

My SIL , whose dear mum died a few years ago, says he always thinks of me as his Mum. Aaah..! From the minute I saw him I knew we’d get on, thankfully!

I think what is often missing in these threads is that it could easily be a husband problem, and not a spouse or in-law issue.

Not sure why they aren’t seen as the issue more. There’s only so much a parent can do once their children reach adulthood.

I have to admit OP that I am a little wary! Being completely honest, this is one I am warier of as a mother of a son than I am as a mother of a daughter.

I unfortunately never got to meet my MIL as she’d died when my DH was a child, and his Dad never remarried (I had a great relationship with my FIL until he died).

So my wariness comes from hearing from friends. It seems to very much go either way- I have some friends who have a very positive relationship with their MILs, but others where it is horrendous! Truthfully, some of their grievances are justified, but others are not, and I think with 2 in particular they just dislike them, so they can’t do right for doing wrong and are then treated unequally (e.g. not being prioritised over Christmas).

So yes, I share your fear! 😂

I’m not a MIL but I have a young adult son whose gf is regularly here.
I get along with her (phew!) We don’t annoy each other and are respectful of each other. In time I think that we could be friends because we have the qualities that the other is looking for in a friend.
Her work is in a public place and I have seen her interacting with her colleagues without her knowing I was there and she seems as lovely as she is when hanging around here so I’m pretty confident that I’m getting the real her rather than the polite version who is sucking up to her bf’s mum which is great news.

So far I've been fine with all 3 of my eldest son's gfs. But then, I generally like most 20-somethings, they're just fun to be around. I don't tend to have dramas with my friends, work colleagues, brothers and sisters or their partners, so I don't really anticipate having issues with a DIL. I tend to be a live-and-let-live type, I'd definitely want to be involved with grandkids, so maintaining a good relationship with a DIL would be a priority. My own kids seem to like me being an involved parent, we have a strong bond, but I also respect their independence from me too.

I think that issues happen between MIL-DIL when one or both compete for influence or importance over the other, usually because they are insecure in personal relationships. Sometimes (more dangerously), because they seek control and manipulation. If I saw that my DIL was insecure, I'd do my best to build her up and give her confidence, and not be interfering or undermining. If I saw that she was controlling or manipulative, I'd call her out in a very direct and undramatic way - the rest would have to me down to my son.

@Allswellthatendswelll unfortunately it's usually mil she has the power and is the queen Bee, very rarely it's a dil but of course can be one but on here there is definitely a pattern

I remember my MIL and remember how I felt.

I try to copy the things I liked about her relationship with me, and change the kinds of things I didn't.

It's not always bad, honestly! My DIL is lovely and so is my MIL.

Sometimes but not always. Sometimes they DIL is the unreasonable one.

Basically I think be nice to your MIL (unless she is actually unreasonable and trying to snatch baby off you etc.) as you might well be a MIL one day!

I have a great relationship with my MiL and I get on very well with my kids partners.

I have a 3year old DS and feel the same way! My MIL and I do not get on , and she doesn’t get on with her MIL either.

But I adored my ex boyfriend’s mum, would happily spend time with her one on one for shopping or whatever and think the world of her. I think it’s just a personality thing. Son in laws/father in laws don’t have this problem and I think it’s because they’re more hands off and more likely to to not try to cross boundaries with grandchildren etc - at least that’s my personal experience