Father of the child and his family forcing me into getting an abortion

Another twenty something who apparently thought he was infertile.

Oh OP, this thread is grim

This. You were having unprotected sex with a man you just met and your 24?? You sound way too immature to have a child. I suggest you also get checked out for sti’s too.
It sounds like you wanted this to happen

If they aren’t married and he refuses to attend the appointment for the birth certificate, she can’t put him on it anyways.

OP, one of the biggest pieces of life advice I’ve given to my daughters, is to choose the father of their children with care. I don’t mean to patronise you at all but when you’re young, you feel invincible and don’t think as much into the future. But being linked to a difficult co-parent for the next 18 years is a challenge and a half.
Best of luck.

I despise the advice of ‘leave him off the birth certificate’. Regardless of youth, or unpreparedness, a father is still a father and it is disgusting manipulation to suggest otherwise.

Hi, I found myself in the same situation at 24, an unexpected pregnancy and the father wanted to not be involved. I just wanted to drop you a message from the otherside....the baby in question is now almost 23 himself and I obviously wouldn't change it for the world. Yes, it can be tough and at times, you feel as though you've given up your own youth but if it's what you want, you can 100% do it as millions of women did before and will continue to do after.

Yet we know, from the millions of threads posted on MN about men who turn out to be cheaters/abusive/gamblers/alcoholics, that a loving dad at the start is no guarantee of a decent husband and dad for life. No amount of wishful thinking can make up for a man turning out to be a shit dad.

You need to consider that you will be linked to this family for life if you choose to carry on with the pregnancy. I have seen this in my wider family and it’s been a nightmare. This is something worth giving serious thought to

Dear God, OP!

A 26-year-old male living with his parents has “given me false hope”? after only a couple of months of getting together?

You do both sound very naive and immature. My DS came to ask me and his DDad at 16 (with a 15-year-old girlfriend) if he should “take their relationship to the next level” AKA start a sexual one, which gave us the perfect opportunity to give him some home truths in a calm way:

1. It’s illegal (girl under age of consent) so risking a crime - obvs not in your case
2. Contraception is not infallible, so there is always a risk of pregnancy
3. If there is a risk of pregnancy, what impact would a new life, that you have to care for, have on your long-term life goals (and short-term educational ones)
4. Whilst on paper, we could help, we have other DC and aging parents to help, so this may become impossible in future, so how would you cope if our support was no longer available?
5. What kind of life do you want for a child? Are you able to give them all the opportunities that we gave you?
6. What kind of life do you want for yourself? Babies are awfully expensive and love doesn’t clothe and feed them without a decent income, which is hard if you’re at college and she’s at school, i.e. not earning
7. What kind of life do you think your GF will have with a baby? At her age this would certainly affect her education and long-term job prospects
8. We are still working, and hoping to retire - not bring up a new family because you have made us into grandparents in our 40’s. This could cause resentment later, particularly if we were suddenly unavailable because we had to provide care for our DP, or one of our other DC’s
9. Where will you live? We don’t have room for another two people to move into our house, and it wouldn’t be fair for your GF to be coping on her own, and incredibly selfish to expect her parents to do so, since they also both work/have other DC and aging parents to consider
10. Having a baby is committing to an 18-year (at least) responsibility, which requires effort from both of you as well as money. Not thinking about these points before you start may lead to relationship problems and breakdowns in future, and certainly will not help either of you to reach your full potential in life. We strongly recommend you think again.

He did have a think about all of this (we have a very open and honest relationship with all our DC) and talked these points through with his GF. They decided not to carry on as they had intended, and the relationship faded after another 18 months. They are still on friendly terms now, 16 years later.

He is 32 now, and engaged to a different young lady, and is currently working his dream job and saving to rent a larger flat with her, while helping her to apply for jobs that will pay more so that they can save to buy a property in future. They don’t want DC, but in any case, if they change their minds, they would wait until they had achieved their goals before either ttc or adopt.

I suspect his DParents had a similar conversation with your STBX partner (10 years too late IMO) to the one we had with our DS, hence his 180-turn: he had never before thought about the actual reality of bringing a child into the world, or how he might be able to support you.

I strongly advise you to think again about all the potential pitfalls of your plan before deciding unequivocally to keep the baby: they are hard work with two loving and present parents and I can’t imagine how much harder work they would be if your current family support network faded away once the reality of bringing up a child/supporting you as a single mum hits them…

Some hard thinking and practical discussion with your family is needed to explore all of the the “what-ifs”, before you make your final choice.

Good luck!

Let us know how you’re doing, occasionally, and enjoy your pregnancy.
Life will be hard but if your family is supportive, it can be done.

The level of abuse OP is getting is a bit extreme. She’s not 12, yes she’s young, and the circumstances aren’t ideal but that’s no different to 1000’s of other women having children in difficult domestic situations.
In fact, she sounds like she has more of a stable background than many. She has a full time job, secure housing and supportive young parents. Of course that may change but so can everyone’s situation, be it redundancy, divorce, illness or unexpected death.

Yes, I think children deserve a loving dad who wants them and is actively a force for good in their lives. No amount of mothering or grandparents can make up for that not being there.

And what's the big deal with that? Given the state of so many men we see here on MN.

OP, dump the man, have the baby. 24 is a great age to become a mum, you've got a job and family support, it will be fine. Just don't put him on the birth certificate. I would stop having contact with him now and just get on with your pregnancy.

The tone of the replies on this thread is so very disappointing.

Co parenting in a stable , mature, financially and professionally settled environment with supportive people on all sides is incredibly hard. My exhusband left when our children were 3 and 2 so it was a lifetime of being civil ( he went off with a 17 year old from his office) and measured and its really hard work . Your situation doesn't sound anything like that. He , and his parents, may not want to be involved now but they may very well want contact when an actual baby arrives. If you both live in the same area you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hassle

Of course it's your right to keep the baby.
But you did make the choice through knowingly having unprotected sex in a short relationship. Only you know why you did it.

OP you sound very sweet and hopeful but also a bit childlike. You're only 24 and these should be the years of establishing yourself and living your own life and becoming independent from your parents. Once you have a child your life is no longer about you for a very long time. The child will have to be your priority in all things. It's all hypothetical to you at the moment but when reality hits it's hard.

If I were you I wouldn't have this baby if you are still within the time frame to decide. You will be missing out on having freedom and choices and becoming "you" for the next 20 years (or if your baby is anything like you, as your parents will be finding out now you are adding another person to their house, for the next several decades. )

I’ve just picked up on this and gone back and read over the previous posts, and I wonder if there’s more at play here.

For family to be so involved to the extent they’re having a big family meeting really isn’t the norm at 24/26, is there some disability at play here which means that having a baby is potentially more of a concern?

You seriously chose to get pregnant with a man you had only known two months? I really struggle to understand why anyone would do that. You must have known you risked the baby being brought up without a father.

Poor bloody child? Having a mum and grandparents who love them, a mum with a decent job, lots of support? Does this mean babies should only be born if the dad wants them? Interesting take - and would mean many of us wouldn't be here!

Coming from another angle, having future relationships as a single parent is not easy, blended families are full of potential issues, don’t really want to give up the possibility of finding a loving partner to settle down with then have children together? You are only young.

you were very careless not using contraception until you were in an established relationship, you say you have had a previous abusive relationship, please get counselling because you deserve better, you need to respect yourself and I’m concerned having a baby will constrain you

This sounds like a shit show.
You know you can’t work from
home and look after the baby at the same time?
How are you going to explain to the baby its father wants nothing to do with it ?
poor kid.

Maybe try reading OPs posts rather than asking her to go over all this again.

You've both been very silly and irresponsible. You'd been together a matter of weeks, you had no idea about each other. Have the baby if you think it's genuinely the right thing for you and for the baby, but don't expect it to be easy or for him to offer any support (financial or otherwise). He won't.