Father of the child and his family forcing me into getting an abortion

At 24 and 26 I wouldn't have wanted to be living with in laws and a baby and working extra shifts to pay for the baby. I wanted to be out with friends, going on holiday when I wanted, travelling etc.

Sorry OP but it sounds like a terrible idea.

I got pregnant at 21, we both decided not to keep the baby and it was definitely the right decision. I would have missed out on so many opportunities, choices, fun before being tied down. The DC I have now wanted have had the same life and opportunities they have if I had had the first baby with someone I wouldn't want to still be negotiating pick ups etc with now.

It's pretty clear that you don't want an abortion and are more than likely to go ahead with the pregnancy so you may as well forget about the father and his family, they have made their intentions perfectly clear and carry on with this as a single parent.

You aren't a teenager, you have a strong family network who say they will help you so what more do you need? That's a lot more than many single mothers have.

My only concern is when you said your parents are happy for you living at home because your ft WFH job pays the rent. Who will pay the rent when you and your child eventually move out and why don't they pay their own rent?

Can’t imagine why you’ve wilfully set yourself up for this life at such a young age. You are both idiots. You more so because you will suffer the most out of this. Even if he wants to support and contact that will be a shit show because it is no joke seeing your child 50/50 or anything less than full time. He’ll have girlfriends. Some of them will resent your kid and show it. You’ll have no choice but to hand it over not knowing if your child is emotionally or physically going to be cared for. He’ll eventually have a family under more ideal circumstances and your child will be a downright nuisance. This is all aside from the fact you’ve loaded yourself with the hefty responsibility of looking after a child when you could have seen a bit of life and freedom. Everyone will suffer here.

Knowing what his family is like you are now tying yourself to this family forever, it doesn't stop at 18 it is birthdays, weddings, christenings and the father is entitled to go for 50/50 and it doesn't mean he has to be with his child. He can make the decision of who looks after his child. That can be those parents of his who can and probably will feed poison into your child's ear about you.

They may even try to one up you and your family, be the Disney parent/grandparent, no bedtimes, you choose dinner and of course chocolate is fine. My friend had this, pregnant unexpectedly after a few months of dating and decided to try to make a go of it. Got married had another child unexpectedly with a small age gap, divorced fairly quickly after that and it has been absolute hell all the way through with the Dad, the parents, uncles, aunts etc all feeling sorry for the "trapped" Dad and every parenting decision seemed to be to upset the Mum. From the clothes they wore, playing out unsupervised, the food they fed them (junk) no teeth brushing, no homework, smelled bad from not showering when hitting puberty, everything.

@Playmobil4Eva

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This is not the case I made the father aware when we first met I wasn't on contraception and he made no effort to protect himself

Tbh, in my culture you’d certainly have one child by 24 and quite possibly another on the way, and living in a multigenerational household. The only difference would be you’d be married and as we can all see from MN, that’s no guarantee of anything. You do have to throw yourself into it though, no imagining you can keep your old life going, at least for a decade. Since your parents are in their 40s, they must have had you pretty young so they know how it goes.

Just stupidity to be having sex without any form of protection. But have the baby if you want it, no one can stop you. Might make you grow up a bit.

You've been very foolish and selfish and exposed your future child to a high risk of a life of poverty.

But what's done is done and if you don't want an abortion then that's it. You need a clear plan to be able to support your child between you whilst you build a stable career.

Keep any proof you have about him and his family pressuring you to have an abortion.

They are just the sort to come back and demand access afterwards.

I don’t believe this is real.
A 26 year old man who earns 60k a year, still living at home with his parents. Plus mummy and daddy have to get involved, like he is 14 or something. No- total nonsense.
Then the op claiming even though she works full time and has presumably a very responsible job, her employer is totally fine with her breaking off at any hour of the day to sit feeding, changing, comforting her screaming baby- yes because employers love paying staff for doing f all all day and annoying customers into the bargain.
Then the parents in their 40s who are available on tap to provide childcare. Do they not work? Or do they work for this magical employer who pays staff to not work?

I was a few years younger than you when I had my first. It’s hard but doable.

Sounds like you’ve made up your mind. You want to keep the baby. You can. And I would advise you to disconnect from his family. Most of the time they come round when the baby is born, but on your side decide what rules you want to put in place. They sound horrible so I wouldn’t invest any emotional energy. If they want to see the baby it’s on your terms. As for the dad - he is a wimp for hiding behind his family and friends - I’m sure it’s scary for him but it is for you too.

You are so lucky to have family support. I did too and it’s very special to have the ability to raise a child like this. My first reaped lots of benefits from it and I was able to split childcare and things like pick up and drop off with them in a way I couldn’t with my ex.

You are still young - when it comes to abortion it has to be your choice. So think about what you want. You can go with your gut. Or you can be super practical about it but the choice has to be yours.

Good luck

I don’t think OP’s age is the issue, but her general maturity, I was a mum before 24, but I was more switched on than this. I think most of what has been said here would be said if she was 30. She’s being very naive as to the reality (particularly in regards to her work), isn’t able to provide the child a home herself and putting a lot of her faith in family support, has put a lot on her parents, and obviously very deliberately got pregnant.

You made the decision to have sex, knowing that you wrent using contraception. Yes he has responsibility for this pregnancy but so do you. It seems as though you will be a single parent with the difficulty of trying to get money for maintenance, bringing a child into the world who isn't wanted by their father. And whatever people on munsnet say, knowing your father couldn't care less does hurt the child and is something they have to live with.
Your body your choice but personally in your situation I'd give a bit of thought to an abortion while you still have time to choose.

What's done is done. Forget about his family. You say that you want to keep the baby, you have a job and your parents will support you. You fully understand that your ex and his family want nothing to do with you. Its iver between you both now. Just ignore them all, and do what you want to. But from now on, look after yourself better against stds and further pregnancies. My friend caught HIV and its really affected their life. Always catching illnesses and needing to go into hospital to recover and for checks. Please use condoms always.

Don't allow them to stress or pressure you. If you both knowingly had sex without contraception then you are both responsible.
Whatever has happened there is now a baby on the way , so I'd back off from his family at this time, you don't need that stress. Concentrate on yourself and baby. If it's possible to, have a calm conversation with daddy to tell him you will be having baby and if he would like to be involved all this negative talk has to stop!!!

I haven’t read all the comments but have read all of your responses and I can see you have responded to many of the comments about finances, contraception, etc.

I suppose my main consideration in all of this is not how difficult it is for you but how difficult it may be for your child to grow up without a dad? Is baby’s dad refusing any involvement?
He seems like the type that would dip in and out of a child’s life and I think that for me would be the real difficulty here! I honestly think choosing a dad for your child is the biggest responsibility when you want to bring a child into the world.

I don’t think your age is a problem, you will get older and mature. I don’t think finances are that much of an issue, like you say, you earn well and have family support. Being a single mum, again, that is your issue and your difficulty to deal with, and you seem accepting of that. For me, it’s this child potentially having a rubbish dad that breaks my heart. There are no guarantees in life but in this case, you know the balance tips towards him being rubbish, and in my mind, your child deserves the best chances of having a remarkable dad!

What hope is there for humanity when you have fucking stupid 20 somethings who think they can't get pregnant after having sex...? They are passing on their fucking stupid DNA and the next generation are going to be even thicker than their parents.

Is he financially secure?

Agreed. I have no idea what either of you were thinking.

OP, without going into the whys and wherefores, the fact is you are pregnant now, if you want to keep the baby it's your decision and no one else can force you either way. If you do decide to keep it then try to get things in order as much as you can. You will face many unforeseen, unplanned for surprises along the way such as the father deciding he wants to be involved after all. If you are up to facing all of that, then go for it. I've seen threads on here where women have gotten pregnant on one night stands and have kept the baby, so don't understand all the moral grandstanding here. All the "24 is too young, 40 is too old" etc. People don't get pregnant on MN's sweet spot. Do what you feel you can honestly handle. It won't be clear weather ahead and you need to prepare for it.

They are not forcing you. They are making their feelings felt loudly and are being a pain in the arse but they are not forcing you. You are going to need to grow up. You and the father both decided to have sex and not to use contraception. You're both young and fertile and this is how babies are made.

Of course you can continue with the pregnancy. You have your family's support, but don't think this will be easy. Sorry to be harsh but raising a child can be very harsh so it's important to be realistic. Good luck to you and go with whatever decision you make wholeheartedly and enjoy being a mum if that's the outcome.

Well isn't that a lovely prognosis for all those children who end up with a shit dad? Maybe you live in a fairy tale.

Your parents went round to his parents’ house to discuss your pregnancy with them? Are you a teenager?

He believed he was infertile? On what evidence?

It all sounds like a crazy mess. I’d think very carefully before bringing a child into this chaos.

However understanding they are, no employer is likely to countenance you working from home whilst also having sole care of a baby. You will need to show that you have adequate care in place while you are working. And if you are relying on your parents to do the caring, you need to discuss it with them first. Their definition of 'supportive' might be an occasional evening babysitting rather than full time care during your working hours.

OP I may echo a lot of PP's and I can understand a lot of the feedback you're getting.

Parenting is hard! It is a relentless 24/7 gig of responsibility and mundane routine. It requires a lot of sacrifice, mental thought process and emotional. But it is very rewarding- those are the moments, all mothers live for.

I would think so very long and hard about what your life will be for the next 18-21 years of your child's life and even then you don't truly stop parenting because they have grown up.

Your family will offer you support- that's fantastic everyone loves brand new babies. But theory and reality are two different things. Night time crying, exhaustion, parents wanting to take over or comment with their "helpful" remarks. Resentment can take over, eventually. Plus you're living in their home- you are unstable in terms of a home of your own. Unless you are planning to buy- but your money will go to the baby, so won't have much savings. Or social housing route- which just isn't available or private renting. At some point you're going to want your own home.

You have your job for now and that eases that financial pressure. But wfh with a child who wants to go to the park or is crying for your only your attention. Is also the reality.

Then add into the father and his family. Imagine dealing with that for the next years of your life. Yes, you can apply for CMS- doesn't mean your actually going to get it though. Then at some point reality will kick in, that he is still living his life and you're here dealing with a 2 year tantrum. You're going to want him to be a part of that and will then entertain his abusive nonsense and fall into a trap or tolerating abuse- just for the sake of having a family. There are too many threads on here of that reality.

I personally couldn't parent with a man who is adamant for me to have an abortion. I wouldn't feel safe having my child around him. Some people do change their minds, but you will be alone doing this. As every argument will be
" but I told you, I didn't want this." That's the mentality of the person you will be forced to deal with for the next 18 years.

I've parented in what can only be survival mode, even though I held it together. PND, abuse, grief, lots of family support and with an ex abusive loser who wanted to stay around only to tear me down. I've had to leave my support network and move away just to get on with my life. Yes, like a lot of other mothers, we managed, but it was hard. You can do this, but think what's happens when you just want to sleep, take a trip, just switch off.

At the end of the day it is your choice. But once, that baby is born- it is no longer- your choice. Every decision you make, will impact on your child. Your child will live, whatever life you choose.