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Original poster

He wants a divorce but still wants to know where I am

34 replies

RoloMom · 06/04/2025 05:24

Hi,
I've previously posted on here looking for advise entitled 'Struggles in a blended family'. Been living in a very unhealthy situation for a while as that post details and he's now asked me for a divorce. He owns the house (he makes this very clear to me and my two boys) and that we will be the ones to leave it. His income is SIGNIFICANTLY higher than mine, and the advise I have been given is to stay in the house until everything is finalised. He presented me with a draft separation agreement which basically proposes that I leave the marriage in debt (as he suggests I pay back my college fees). However, while he says all of the above he is also now expecting that we continue to live together and continue to spend time altogether, while at thesame time saying he will have no contact with my children once everything is finalised. He is now asking where I am and when ill be home, and if I don't give the information fast enough, he threatens to tell his son about the divorce. This has followed months of him threatening to divorce me if I didn't do what he wanted when he wanted. I'm left feeling pretty miserable. I've been advised to stay in the house. However if this is my life, living alongside somebody who wants to divorce me, but wants to know all my whereabouts and thinks it's a realistic expectation for everybody to still spend time together as if nothing is wrong I don't know how healthy that is firstly for my children and secondly how my already battered self worth will hold up. Does anybody have any insight/advise/experience they can share with me please?

OP posts:
Lovegame · 06/04/2025 06:56

Your son will find out at some point. Get a good lawyer. Just because he wants some thing doesn’t mean he would get it.

PermanentTemporary · 06/04/2025 06:23

Four words. Get a lawyer, now.

RatedDoingMagic · 06/04/2025 06:13

The marriage contract that you both agreed to was not a pretty piece of paper declaring romantic love. It was a commitment to tie you together financially and share your financial futures. He has turned out to be an utter arsehole and you have (sensibly) agreed to end the contract but the financial commitment stands - that you split with equal assets, neither of you richer than the other, with equal opportunities to rebuild.

Call his bluff, why shouldn't the children know? Stay put in the house. He will do everything he can to hide non-realestate assets but it's a lot more difficult to hide a house.

OneLemonGuide · 06/04/2025 06:00

Please look at your rights.

If you’re married, then there’s no such thing as “his” assets, irrespective of whether it’s just him on the deeds. The house would be a marital asset that would be split on divorce.

And why does he want to still spend time with you if you’re divorced? Is he still wanting to use you for sex? This is incredibly messed up… You need a divorce alright… and so what if he tells his son, as his son would need to know anyway!

PeriPeriMam · 06/04/2025 05:59

What an absolute dickhead. Get out the house if you can,make sure people know you're getting divorced so it's not a secret to hold over you, and get a good lawyer. If you can't afford a good lawyer,get a mediocre one, just make sure there's someone who can take the heat away from you so you can live your life as free as possible from this cockwomble

mathanxiety · 06/04/2025 05:55

Do you have an excellent solicitor? If you don't, you need one.

Who is the son he is threatening to tell about the divorce? How is this a threat?

What he's engaging in is coercive control. It is a crime. I recommend you consider reporting him to police. Your solicitor (you should have one) certainly needs to know about his use of threats to force you to comply with his demands wrt the relationship.

Do you feel unsafe? Do you think he is capable of violence? He sounds rather irrational, tbf, and I would be concerned that he has completely devalued you and thinks he can get away with any level of bullying or intimidation.

Don't do anything about the college loans. Pay the minimum monthly bill.
Tell stbxh that you will be civil toward him and expect the same of him while you are under the same roof.

You should call Women's Aid for support and advice:
0808 2000 247
Leave a message with your number and a good time for them to call you back, when you can talk openly.

Never2many · 06/04/2025 05:54

Call his bluff. Tell him he’s free to tell his son about the divorce. And then when he doesn’t, do it yourself.

And then find somewhere else to live.

As for him saying what you will and won’t be left with, tell him it’s up to the courts to decide that.

Oh and I’d be telling him that while he owned the house previously, given you’re married it’s now a marital asset, so you’ll be having your share of the equity ta very much.

Then take the fucker to the cleaners.

CuriousGeorge80 · 06/04/2025 05:49

Get a lawyer and start the divorce process. Tell his son and anybody else who isn’t aware and needs to know. Stop giving him any leverage over you.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 06/04/2025 05:27

Do you have anywhere else at all to go? Even if it's for a short time? You parents? A siblings? Any family?

You need to get away from this fucking prick asap.

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