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Original poster

He wants a divorce but still wants to know where I am

34 replies

RoloMom · 06/04/2025 05:24

Hi,
I've previously posted on here looking for advise entitled 'Struggles in a blended family'. Been living in a very unhealthy situation for a while as that post details and he's now asked me for a divorce. He owns the house (he makes this very clear to me and my two boys) and that we will be the ones to leave it. His income is SIGNIFICANTLY higher than mine, and the advise I have been given is to stay in the house until everything is finalised. He presented me with a draft separation agreement which basically proposes that I leave the marriage in debt (as he suggests I pay back my college fees). However, while he says all of the above he is also now expecting that we continue to live together and continue to spend time altogether, while at thesame time saying he will have no contact with my children once everything is finalised. He is now asking where I am and when ill be home, and if I don't give the information fast enough, he threatens to tell his son about the divorce. This has followed months of him threatening to divorce me if I didn't do what he wanted when he wanted. I'm left feeling pretty miserable. I've been advised to stay in the house. However if this is my life, living alongside somebody who wants to divorce me, but wants to know all my whereabouts and thinks it's a realistic expectation for everybody to still spend time together as if nothing is wrong I don't know how healthy that is firstly for my children and secondly how my already battered self worth will hold up. Does anybody have any insight/advise/experience they can share with me please?

OP posts:
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Elsvieta · 26/11/2025 09:48

A draft of a separation agreement? From him? I hope you laughed long and hard. Tear it up and do EVERYTHING through your lawyer - make sure you get what you're entitled to. Don't discuss it with him. Get proof of assets and income etc and only do as the lawyer advises. In the meantime, don't let him dictate how you spend your time, and ignore his threats - he is obviously free to tell his son what he wants. He thinks he can stop you getting what you're owed (for your DC, not just yourself) with this nonsense - prove him wrong.

thestudio · 26/11/2025 00:02

tell your sons asap. I think you’re not telling them because you secretly hope it can be salvaged. It can’t. Or rather, if it were, it would be hugely damaging to your sons in the long run to live with this bully. It’s already damaging them - you can sacrifice your own happiness, but it would be atrocious to sacrifice theirs any further.

then do what everyone has said. Move out, back home with parents if necessary for a while. Get a good lawyer. Ignore whatever he says the split will be - you will get more. Start your happier life. Make sure you get therapy so you don’t do this all over again.

Cornishclio · 25/11/2025 23:51

You are giving him too much power by caring what others including the ex and the son thinks. You need to take control yourself as others said earlier. Get legal advice and make a plan to leave. Are you financially independent? I would not stay in the house any longer.

nomas · 25/11/2025 23:35

RoloMom · 25/11/2025 22:56

Hi,
Thank you to all who previously commented. Im still stuck with this person and desperately want out. Can anybody advise me of the wisest first moves?
He has spent his time (successfully) the last few months telling people that I am totally the problem, that I am abusive!!! Regardless of the issue, the probelm is me. I cannot listen to this anymore. I cannot be the 'horrible wife and stepmother' anymore. Hes now attacking my own parenting of my owm two boys (while he is not directly involved in their parenting)- passing judgement on if my punishments are too lenient , too strict, etc, while I cant say a word to his own son , becasue he will tell his mother, who tells his father who will give out to me for saying anything to his son. Meanwhile, Ive obviously pulled back on saying anything to his son, because god forbid i look at him sideways, and now im told i ignore him. Its a slow torture. Can anybody relate and can advise me?

Sorry if I've missed this:

  • How long have you been married?
  • Do you have any children with him?
  • How have the mortgage/bills been split since marriage?
  • Is the house in his name or joint names?
  • Have you been working throughout marriage or a SAHP / housewife?
Original poster
RoloMom · 25/11/2025 22:56

Hi,
Thank you to all who previously commented. Im still stuck with this person and desperately want out. Can anybody advise me of the wisest first moves?
He has spent his time (successfully) the last few months telling people that I am totally the problem, that I am abusive!!! Regardless of the issue, the probelm is me. I cannot listen to this anymore. I cannot be the 'horrible wife and stepmother' anymore. Hes now attacking my own parenting of my owm two boys (while he is not directly involved in their parenting)- passing judgement on if my punishments are too lenient , too strict, etc, while I cant say a word to his own son , becasue he will tell his mother, who tells his father who will give out to me for saying anything to his son. Meanwhile, Ive obviously pulled back on saying anything to his son, because god forbid i look at him sideways, and now im told i ignore him. Its a slow torture. Can anybody relate and can advise me?

OP posts:
SapporoBaby · 04/07/2025 11:40

The ex will already know. You need to tell your sons ASAP so he can’t control you or the narrative.

Then get a shit hot lawyer and divorce him.

SapporoBaby · 04/07/2025 11:40

The ex will already know. You need to tell your sons ASAP so he can’t control you or the narrative.

Then get a shit hot lawyer and divorce him.

AprilShowers25 · 04/07/2025 10:33

he has probably already told his ex so I wouldn’t give that a second thought going forward.

poetryandwine · 04/07/2025 10:26

Hi, OP -

This is awful. But part of the problem is that you are giving away your power.

There is no shame in a divorce, particularly from a guy like this. Who cares what his rx thinks? She will soon be out of your life forever. Anyone she gossips to about you is likely to recognise her bitterness and steer clear.

You do need to control the narrative for your DC. Children are sponges and they see how the guy treats you. You can figure out a good way to do this. Much better for your DC to grow up with a strong single mum than observing from this guy how to treat women.

You need expert legal advice - do you have that? Leaving the home shouldn’t compromise your rights but I don’t know what happens in Ireland in the real world. Gently, it sounds like some help with telling getting past the sense of shame, how to tell your DC, and any need to win vs the ex and focus on your future might be very helpful.

You have a lot to cope with. Very best wishes

IsItSummerSoon · 04/07/2025 09:46

I appreciate it’s hard but you really really need to see that you are putting him in control by being passive and hesitant.

With regard to telling his son and this So it puts him more in control of the narrative again…

You are giving him that control. You really need to get in front of the narrative rather than letting him own it.

Velvetgoldmine · 04/07/2025 09:35

Tell everyone yourself as soon as possible, remove his power. Start th divorce proceedings yourself too. Don't allow him any control.

Original poster
RoloMom · 06/04/2025 15:10

Thanks for all your advise. It is appreciated. I did speak to womens aid and they said it sounded like emotional and financial abuse and to get legal advise which I have.
The issue, as I understand it doesn't have full context, with him telling his son is two fold - one of the major causes for contention in our relationship has been the presence of his ex (his sons mother) in our relationship. She texts him constantly, asks for advise on everything in her life, and it's an open book type of arrangement, so whether it's 6am, 11pm, or we are away on holidays together, he will deal with her issues, and has refused to listen to me telling him it's upsetting and I don't feel like the priority. They also have had dinners together once a week every week, which has been a massive strain on our marriage (another thing he has refused to agree has caused an issue- tells me I have a mental issue and am riddled with insecurities). They also work together and she comes to him with all work issues on top of everything else. So there are literally no boundaries.
So my issue with his son knowing is that means she immediately knows and I'm sure this opens another dialogue between them and I shouldn't care but I'm sure their contact with increase. Yes that is upsetting and degrading tbh. My other issue is that his son may tell my two boys, and I have not yet figured out the best way to deal with this, with regards discussing and explaining this to them, in order to minimise damage. So it puts him more in control of the narrative again, by telling his son what he wants for example -becasue X has mental issues, and this would then be told to my children. So it is a concern.

OP posts:
BodyKeepingScore · 06/04/2025 10:51

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 06/04/2025 09:41

@SparklyGlitterballs you didn’t need to tell everyone where she lives, carried over from another thread.

OP has already shared this information. It also helps other posters to signpost her to the correct resources based on where she lives. I’m not seeing your issue with this?

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 06/04/2025 09:41

@SparklyGlitterballs you didn’t need to tell everyone where she lives, carried over from another thread.

thismummydrinksgin · 06/04/2025 09:29

Where are you? Uk?

YourAzureEagle · 06/04/2025 08:47

Never2many · 06/04/2025 05:54

Call his bluff. Tell him he’s free to tell his son about the divorce. And then when he doesn’t, do it yourself.

And then find somewhere else to live.

As for him saying what you will and won’t be left with, tell him it’s up to the courts to decide that.

Oh and I’d be telling him that while he owned the house previously, given you’re married it’s now a marital asset, so you’ll be having your share of the equity ta very much.

Then take the fucker to the cleaners.

And put a restriction on the house with the land registry on the grounds of co-habitation, do that ASAP.

SparklyGlitterballs · 06/04/2025 08:13

Hi OP,

I've just looked at your previous thread to try to understand your other issues.

It sounds like a horrendous situation. You were given some advice there about stopping doing everything for him - cooking, making lunches, buying groceries (that his ex was also eating). I hope you've taken some of that advice as he's just using you.

You were also given the contact for Women's Aid in Ireland where you're based. Did you ever get in contact with them? They can be a big help.

I would suggest getting some legal advice on your situation. You're married so will have some rights, including a share of any equity gained on the house. How long have you been married?

PussInBin20 · 06/04/2025 08:12

On’t accept any separation agreement without getting a lawyer on board. Of course he will try and give you as little as possible so don’t agree to anything!

live in the house but make it clear that you are divorcing so he has no rights over you, where you go or times.

So what if he tells his son, he’s going to know sooner or later, same as your kids.

thepariscrimefiles · 06/04/2025 08:05

How is him saying that he will tell his son that you are getting divorced a threat? Why does he think that you would care if his son knows?

You need proper legal advice right now. He sounds controlling and abusive and as you are married you definitely have some rights.

ThejoyofNC · 06/04/2025 08:04

Take away the stick he's beating you with, tell his son.

And start divorce proceedings. Don't sign a single piece of paper he hands you without having your solicitor look at it first. And certainly don't agree to leave the marriage in debt.

unsync · 06/04/2025 07:58

Get it out in the open. Remove his perceived bargaining chip. Don't leave the marital home. Do not sign anything and get a decent lawyer. Get help from Women's Aid and https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/ if he is abusing you.

It will get rough, find your resilience and focus on the future. You can and will get through this.

Home - Rights of Women

Rights of Women is a charity that provides free confidential legal advice and information to women on the law in England and Wales with a specific focus on Violence Against Women and Girls. We also campaign for access to justice and safety for all wome...

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

nomas · 06/04/2025 07:40

Never2many · 06/04/2025 05:54

Call his bluff. Tell him he’s free to tell his son about the divorce. And then when he doesn’t, do it yourself.

And then find somewhere else to live.

As for him saying what you will and won’t be left with, tell him it’s up to the courts to decide that.

Oh and I’d be telling him that while he owned the house previously, given you’re married it’s now a marital asset, so you’ll be having your share of the equity ta very much.

Then take the fucker to the cleaners.

This. Why don’t you want his son to know?

And do not tell him anything. Do not cook for him, do not wash his clothes, nothimg.

Left · 06/04/2025 07:08

Oh OP this sounds so tough! Are you on the UK?

therealtrunchbull · 06/04/2025 07:03

Well who cares if he tells his son you’re getting divorced, you are getting divorced?

FlamboyantlyIncognito · 06/04/2025 06:57

He sounds utterly toxic op. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Do you have a solicitor? If you don't and you don't know where to turn then citizens advice have a panel of solicitors that will give you a free 30 mins (and if you like them you can hire them). They tend to be really good (I've used that route for a work related issue and they were brilliant).

Don't leave the house - whether your name is on the deeds or not - I'm quite sure you're entitled to part of it and frankly from what I've read....... like another poster has written...... take him to the fucking cleaners.

Just because you're rich doesn't give you the right to treat other people like shit. He seems like a bully (mentally).

Well now he's going to find out. Op - be strong, we've got your back so to speak. You're not alone in this. Keep your head up - this won't last forever. Your aim should be to get what is rightfully yours and then be free of him. Use the courts.

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