To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

I think people should start a new trend of blending surnames rather than hyphenating :) So, for example, instead of Clark-Hopkinson, you'd have Clopkinson, or Hork. Smith-Jones would become Smones or Jith, Griffiths-Stanford would be Granford or Staffiths etc. etc.

I may not be entirely serious.

Yes, they came from somewhere. Of course they did.

But men are never told their names shouldn’t matter to them because “it’s your dad’s name really, why not change to your FIL’s surname instead?”

I do. I also think there should be a title that denotes that a man in married. Poor sods only ever being able to be “Mr” and not the child-in-a-sweetshop opportunity of Miss, Ms and Mrs.

But men won’t, will they, unless women stop. If it’s so important for them to share a name with their spouse or children, let them change. Women need to stop changing theirs and stop giving the father’s name to their children. Otherwise the forums of the future will be having exactly the same conversations.

I make a point of asking every groom if they’ll be taking their wife’s name. :D

YABU, it's nothing to do with you.
I say this as a potential MIL as I have an adult son and girlfriend - if they get married I wouldn't dream of interfering in their married name choice, talk about making them want to back off from you early on!

but it likely was given to him from his dad though wasn’t it? I don’t care if it was Mother’s or his Dad’s name, a choice was made.

And to be clear, people can choose to name themselves as they please. This is just my rationale. I’m not moved one way or the other if you don’t agree.

Bingo card is close to calling “House” now.

NEWSFLASH: Women can own their surnames. Not just men.

I’ve never seen a man’s surname referred to as “his dad’s”.

But that would be the difference. Advocate a choice for all. Rather than just saying "women do this instead" and making it always the women who have to change things.

Well I don’t feel as though my name is a strong part of my identity at all and people feel how they feel. I feel a strong affinity to my mother’s maiden name and my maternal grandmother’s maiden name. I don’t particularly feel any stronger about the one that happened to be chosen for me. And that’s fine.

You're missing the point 🙄
the name, no matter which parent it came from or neither, belongs to YOU. It's your name. Not your father's or your mother's name. Names are extremely important parts of our identity. Telling women they might as well change their name to their husband because their name wasn't really theirs in the first place since they share it with their father is peak patriarchy.

A choice men are NEVER expected to make. No ta.

but what about your mother’s maiden name? That equally could have been yours. Currently, it’s more than likely that we’re given a name from our father so I really don’t see the issue in choosing to use your husband’s. If you do, then don’t change your name.

edited to add: I don’t feel a particularly strong connection with my last name. i’m v close to my mother’s family and feel that name is equally a part of me, although i was never given it. I don’t care what’s on my passport either way.

Fuck me, this old shit
my 'maiden' name is MY name. Not my father's name that I'm somehow borrowing until I get married. Don't you see the inherent patriarchal influence in your assertion that women's names aren't really their own because they come from their father usually??

And OP, you really need to get a grip. Unless you’re royalty, I fail to see why this is keeping you up at night.

She answered that - because it's less unfair for a woman to lose her name because of tradition. 🙄

Why? Your “maiden name” is likely your father’s name anyway. And even if you choose to use your mother’s last name, that likely came from her father. A decision as to the last name has to be made somewhere along the family tree doesn’t it?

If you think it's unfair if he takes her surname why wouldn't it be equally unfair for her to take his?

Why on earth are you upset that an adult has decided on a name? It's so strange.

Surely it should only be pushed back on if all women don't like it or it actually harms them in some way?

I had no attachment to my maiden surname, my grandfather on that side was actually quite abusive to his wife and children. What I do have an attachment to is my family I'm building with my husband. The fact we all have one surname defines us as one unit. Whether that happens through one of us changing or both of us double-barrelling, I'm not that fussed.

Marital rape, yes we absolutely should have abolished. Wives taking husbands surnames is not in the same league as that. What we should be doing is advocating the choice.

Indeed. The man purchased literal rights to his wife's body on marriage as well as all her belongings and any children she bore. Women could not have been more property if the patriarchy tried.

I’m a bit biased as MIL kicked off about us doing something very similar… She didn’t want her poor little solider to loose his ‘ identity’ or ‘people would struggle to get their heads around it’. Apparently our wedding day was very upsetting for PIL as they felt their noses were getting rubbed in it (Our cake said Mr & Mrs New Name) and that THEIR grandkids wouldn’t just have their name. Something to do with it also being confusing for future generations to do their family tree…

Basically all the things my parents would be expected to get over if we decided to become Mr & Mrs Smith.

Our anniversary cards come addressed to Mr & Mrs Smith and I rip them up and put them straight in the bin.

And let’s not forget marital rape, which was legal until relatively recently, considering.

wives choosing to take their husband’s name alone is utterly subservient and a tradition that societally should be pushed back against.

It was the same as that elsewhere too. People used to do all sorts of things that they don’t do anymore re owning others.

Some if the worst countries nowadays for sexist practices have
no shared surname tradition for the wife, she keeps her name. I can think of some, I won’t name the countries.

Bureaucratic tradition is not necessarily evil, it’s just a method of
keeping consistent naming. You can opt out but in some/many countries there is no concept of Maiden name
and your name is lifelong.

I kept a half and half method, I am a dual citizen and have 2 IDs but nobody forced me to do anything.

I strongly suspect the horror at the double barrelling is as much or more to do with not wanting to transgress the patriarchal assumption that the wife takes the husband's name rather than the lengthy double barrelling.

Also it's hilarious to think of it as a "generational" thing. My great grandmother, born in the 1880s, double barrelled with her husband. My mum, born in the 1950s, never changed her name for either of her two husbands. And I, born in the 1970s, never married at all. My partner and I gave our children a new name combined of our names, which we are very pleased with.

I would be really proud if a son of mine took his wife's name or double barrelled with her name. I would feel I had succeeded in my aim of bring up a feminist ally.

Yes it literally is about ownership - that's where the tradition comes from! Just because other patriarchal societies don't have that particular tradition doesn't mean it's not about ownership. Marriage used to be contracted to designate a woman as legally belonging to her husband including all her property, her body and the children she bore. That's why she was labelled with his surname and so were the children. It's all about a) socially and morally sanctioned sex and procreation and b) ownership and transference of property and wealth.

To people who say it is about ownership. No it is traditional in the UK. If it was ownership then in the continent you would take your husbands name upon marriage and you don’t in Italy and Spain for example. You keep your maiden name (double barrel) and the children double barrel in Spain or get fathers surname Italy. It’s just traditional. You have no option to take your husband or wife surname unless you change it via a deed poll type thing. I quite like uniform rules and
everyone knowing where they stand name-wise. I think I like the Spanish way the best.