To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

It’s not your decision and not something worth causing an argument over, surely? its a name and it’s not your name.

and if the surname is such a big deal - he can take his partner’s name just as easily, surely?

Does this apply to daughters too? Or just precious boys?

I’ve casually mentioned it to friends

Please stop gossiping to friends about them, and find a hobby.

Of course people have worries and concerns over their children and their children’s decisions, regardless of age.

But I wouldn’t be worried or concerned over my child’s surname after marriage. I simply don’t see it as something toworry about,

Grandparents are horrified

Are they normally easily upset? This is rather an extreme reaction.

Stop escalating this minor issue. Stop the hand-wringing with the grandparents. Get a sense of perspective. It’s up to them how they spell their surname. If it affects their kids, that’s for your son and his wife to manage.

Because according to OP I do think it’s fair to say it’s slightly different for her to give it up vs DS It's different for girls you know!

It seems an entirely sensible decision and what on earth does this have to do with you ?

I do think it’s fair to say it’s slightly different for her to give it up vs DS

Fucking hell. What an attitude.

I understand you. I didn't want my children to have double names so I decided to give them dp's at the time. When we got married I took his name to have the same as my children. I think it's really impractical to have double names.
That being said I don't think you bringing it up will change how they feel about this. Your Dil has made up her mind on keeping her name so you just have to respect that your son is onboard with this and don't mention it to them. Their life, their problem. Focus on having a good relationship with both of them, it will make you all so much happier.

It's very unfair that the woman is expected to take her husband's name, but on the other hand, double-barrelling means that the next generation can't do the same. I don't know what the equitable solution is. Double-barrelling does often lead to long, complicated names. In the States, the strong trend is for the woman to add her husband's name onto her own, but not to hyphenate, and the children have his name only. So Jane Smith becomes Jane Smith Brown, the husband remains Brown, and the children are Brown. At least this solves the problem of the children having complicated names.

It's weird that society has moved on in so many ways since the olden days and yet the patriarchal naming system has remained so entrenched. You'd think we'd have reached a point where some couples choose his name, some choose hers, and it's quite an even split. This would also be better, because then couples could choose the nicest name! Lots of people have awful surnames. I have an elegant French surname and I once dated someone with the surname Hanratty! Dreadful, compared to my nice one.

But families almost always having the man's name still is just another example of how reluctant men are to be equal with women, instead of dominant over them.

Absolutely fuckity fuck all to do with you.

Really hope they double barrell and then drop your surname 😂

That would really 'horrify' everyone

I can’t see that this would overly bother me. Why should it always be the woman who gives up her name? She clearly has a reason for wanting to keep her name, so double barrel is something many people do. Someone I know, the wife double-barrelled, but her husband and DC just have husbands name. Guess he didn’t want to double barrel. I personally don’t like double barrelled names but I wouldn’t comment if one of my sons told me he was double barrelling the name on marriage. It’s their choice, and whether or not your son really wants to do it, isn’t your choice, or the grandparents. Being horrified is a bit of an over reaction.

I voted YANBU I wouldn't like this either. Double barrelled names are batshit fucking ridiculous. And imagine saddling an innocent child with such a long name. It's a lot of a little kid to learn and deal with. The kid will sound like a law firm! Not to mention putting it on forms. I'd be telling him straight how selfish and ridiculous it is.

I grew up with a very long double barrel name which is also hard to pronounce. Sometimes it doesn't easily fit on a form but it's a minor inconvenience. On the flipside I've always appreciated the fact I'm really easy to spot on a list of names.

When I got married I kept my name because I love it so much (and it was too long to triple barrel).

As a woman, I’d be glad to know my future grandchildren would be raised by a woman committed to keeping her own identity and her feminist values. Especially under pressure from Team Horrified.

This isn’t about the name, clearly.
Mind your own.

I don’t think him just taking her surname is fair and nor do I think DS would want to completely lose his…… I don’t think he should give up on everything he cares about
——

So why is it fair that they only take his surname?
Maybe she doesn’t want to completely lose her surname.
Why should she give up something that is presumably something she cares about?

Don't worry about this. I'm sure you'll find something else to casually try and undermine your son's wife about soon enough. Perhaps move on to how she dresses or whether she chooses to breastfeed or not.

When we got married the topic of taking their child’s surname came up with my in laws. I said I wouldn’t because I’m a published author and didn’t want to change what I’m know by, but in reality it is because his surname really sucks. Perhaps she told your son the same but he doesn’t want to offend you…

My suspicion is that you / your family always assumed your DS would continue the family name and pass to his children. And maybe you’re a little taken aback now that assumption is proving to be wrong.

I am firmly in the camp that they can chose whatever name they like. It’s nice they’ve double barrelled because they could’ve chosen just her surname, but clearly they want their name to reflect the union of both families.

I think the newness of this name will fade into normality once you get used to it.

I have to spell my first and last name. It's really not a burden. It becomes second nature. Why do you think it would be such an ordeal?
What is your solution? Is it that she just takes his name?

I have a relative who did this. Her last name is 8 letters long and so is his. Added to that the names don't even suit each other, one is Italian, one is Irish and they sound ridiculous put together. It has been a problem for them for 20 years now, she mentioned a couple of years ago at a family dinner what a pain in the arse it is trying to spell it, or put it into online forms, how pretty much everyone is confused by it at first. She laughingly said she wishes they had just picked one name and gone with it, or even made one up.

It's a minor irritation, but it adds up over the years.

But it's not the end of the world, and you will have the satisfaction of them being frustrated by it for years to come and knowing you were right.

Have concerns? Sometimes.

Voice silly objections about non issues that actually mask another agenda altogether? No.

Enjoy warm, pleasant relationships with adult children and their spuouses? Yes.

OMG, you’ll be telling us next that when they have children she’ll expect him to take care of them equally. Will he have to hoover as well? The horror 😱 How will you answer his grandparents react to that?!?

This marriage is doomed I tell you, doomed.

I have a colleague who changed his surname to that of his wife's and I thought at the time, why not?

YABU.