Feel disturbed by thought of expectations at funeral home

There are no expectations.

Most people find death incredibly difficult to deal with and there is no one right way to go about saying goodbye to a loved one. A large part of the funeral home's job is to give your MIL as much control over the process as they reasonably can. They're offering her information and options so that she can tell them how best to honor your FIL as an individual and help her (the closest loved one) through this stage of the grieving process.

Some people feel strongly about being able to see the body of their loved one and say goodbye "in person." Others feel exactly the opposite like yourself. Many feel differently about this decision when the death followed a long illness vs if it was unexpected. The important thing is that you make the best choice for you and support your loved ones in doing the same for themselves. Even if other family members choose to see the body you don't have to. If you choose you can go to the funeral home and stay in a waiting room with others - you might even bring a photo album to look through or stories to tell - and those who want to go in to say goodbye can do that then rejoin you for hugs and lots of love. It's also perfectly ok to stay home.

You don’t have to feel pressured. Some people choose to view the body for closure. Myself, my sister and my brother in law all sat together with my mum the day after she died and talked to her. We just needed to be with her one last time.

There is no expectation for you to view the body if you don't want to. You need to do what is right for you. I know someone who didn't view her DH's body because she just couldn't. Years later I don't think she's ever regretted it. On the other hand, I felt it was very important to view the body of a loved one to make it real. The experience did demystify death, which I didn't have a lot of experience of, and I have a lot of peace with death and dying as a result.

The questions are all normal. It does have to be decided what someone is laid to rest in and it is better to forewarn if there is anything about the appearance of the person that might be alarming if you're not expecting it.

I'm sorry for your loss. Please remember you can do what is right for you and social expectations can be put aside.

In my experience this past year our funeral directors said that they would tell that they were "now closing the coffin" when the point of decay (this word wasn't used specifically) become obvious as it would be at that stage that they would no longer recommend visits. I believe this was said as there was some delay between time of death and the actual funeral taking place for us so the understanding and expectation of seeing the person right until the day before was a bit unrealistic. It was good to have this knowledge though, so those who did want to attend could do so at a more positive stage.

There is no pressure and expectations when it comes to death. Everyone deals with things differently.
Are you sure that’s what the funeral directors actually said? My experience with funeral directors has been extremely positive.
My family aren’t British (I’m born and raised in the UK) and it’s quite a big deal to us to have the deceased dressed in nice clothes. I would expect the funeral directors need to ask this.
In terms of viewing, it’s very personal and I have no doubt that there is no judgement from anyone. Personally I found it comforting. My loved one was in a lot of pain when they died and seeing them was reassuring that they weren’t hurting anymore. They looked so much better that when they passed and I was able to hold them again. That sounds weird but grief is weird.
Your family needs to do what you feel is best for you OP. Sending you strength.

Speak for yourself I've done a deal with the devil, I am not going until Bristol Rovers win the premiership!

You haven't described any expectations here. The funeral home has just provided choice. Different families have different preferences, which is fine.

Incidentally, we should get better about talking about death and planning for it as a society. We will all die.

Seems perfectly reasonable to me. I think perhaps many people think their dead loved one will look like they’re merely sleeping so
might need a tactical warning otherwise if they wish to view.

My friend viewed her dad every day he was in the funeral director’s. She said that by day 5, he had degraded significantly and they advised her to close the coffin for any further visits.

You don't have to go. Dp and his sister didn't go to see their mum, their dad did, several times. It was whatever felt best to each person.

But there isn’t any pressure or expectation. They literally just asked because they have to, they don’t give a toss either way.
Surely you can see that?

Firstly I have to say I work for a funeral director. Stacey Dooly or Solomon one of them did a programme about funerals, it could useful to watch that, she interviewed someone buying a funeral plan and they discussed clothes the lady wanted to wear on her last journey.

it's traditional in the uk and Ireland that the deceased get dressed in their best clothes. Danny Baker in his first autobiography talks about a childhood friend who was buried in a mates clothes. My dad was in his best suit.

there is no way, ever, in God's earth that the funeral director told your mil that the body was decaying. That is completely unacceptable and unprofessional and would never happen. Plus if the family wanted a viewing then the deceased would be made to look presentable.

Plus lips do not go black. Trust me on this, there is a good chance I will visit our mortuary tomorrow as I am on call tomorrow should anyone pass. No lips will be black, no bodies will be rotting, it's a big fridge.

naturally if fil passed a few months ago some decomposition will have occurred...but not to the extent that you talk about.

I'm sorry for your loss. I can see why its upsetting but everyone has such a different reaction to these things and they have to ask. I don't think they are pressuring anyone to go, just offering it because some families would want to. The same with the clothes, you see it as a waste but others might want them to have their favorite clothes. Neither is right or wrong, just allowing people to have a choice in what they want for their loved one.

You would never be unreasonable for feel the way you do. It is so personal.

i swore down I wouldn’t see my grandmother in the funeral home. I said no daily. But I woke up one morning and my cousin said he was going and was offering to take me. He reassured me she looked ok. I can’t explain why, but I went. I used to do her hair and I started to worry her hair wouldn’t look how she wanted.

im glad we did go, and I’m glad we did that together. I’m sure the staff there must have wondered what was going on in the room because we were talking about funny stories with her and laughing through tears.

I fixed her hair and left her some cigs ☺️ It gave us peace. Perhaps I needed someone trusted to see her first and tell me it would be ok.

Would I do it again? I’m not sure. I’d just have to see at the time how I would feel. But my emotions at the time were all over the place and I didn’t expect to change my mind. Take your time

Meant kindly but don't be so nesh.

Of course the funeral staff are going to ask if you want to view the body. Plenty of people would be moaning if they were denied this and it's not for the staff to consult a crystal ball to detect which sort you are. They just ask the question, The end. You can't go through life getting distressed about perfectly normal questions.

I'm afraid that this is simply a fact of death. Try and think of his body as his old overcoat, one he does not need any more because he has moved along to the next stage of personhood. Remember that the things happening to his body are just science. These natural processes do not change the person he was and the memories you have.

I never saw my parents or my brother at the parlour either. Just like you, I didn't want that to be my last memory. I knew they were dead, I didn't need to see the evidence. So please don't feel any pressure to go.

I hope things get easier for you.

I remember when my ex killed himself having to drive by where his body was kept prior to the funeral every day to go to work. I was absolutely haunted by the thought of his body in there decaying. Death is scary. The thought of the bodies of the people we love changing is scary. I had hoped he would be cremated, but he was buried and I couldn't bring myself to visit his grave for a long time due to the fear of what had happened to him after death.

Over time, I learned to accept that our souls are what makes us 'us' - not our vessels. Whatever happens to a body after death doesn't hurt the person who has died; that persons soul, or essence, life-force, however you see it, has moved on. There is nothing to fear from a dead body. The people at the funeral home have much more experience in this, and so it is likely they don't always realise how horrifying these facts are to those of us experiencing it for the first time. However, it is better for them to explain a person's body is decaying so that family can be prepared.

Nothing they have said is inappropriate, but it is jarring. It is difficult as you want to support your MIL, but perhaps explain that you would rather not see/hear about FIL's body now - as you wish to remember him exactly as he was.

We gave the undertaker my Dad's clothes for him. It was actually nice when we went to see him that he had on his favourite shirt & jumper

You don't have to go and see him especially if he's going to look so difference

Thankfully when we saw my Dad he looked like himself and very peaceful. It was difficult but we all agreed it was what we wanted & have never regretted it

I also almost never think of him there or like that. Its not tainted my memories. I only really think of that day at times like this. In general I remember him smiling and sitting in his recliner chair

Do what's right for you

My husband works at a funeral director's. Honestly, they have no expectation that family will or won't view the deceased. Everyone us different and they wouldn't judge either way.

There is no expectations of this, many people will chose not to see the body, please don’t be worried

A lot of people find comfort in seeing the deceased. Me personally, I think it’s a bit weird. I very clearly remember seeing my grandmother when I was probably 11. They’d put loads of makeup on her and I felt really distraught that she didn’t look at all like herself. My horrid aunts and uncles also insisted she was put in some grandmother of the bride outfit she’d worn to a wedding that she had absolutely hated, but it was very “formal” and they wanted her dressed up. Just seems so pointless to make someone look not how they looked in real life for their funeral.

When my dad died, I didn’t want to see him, but others did. I was 18, but the one arranging the funeral. I agreed to a family viewing but I just came in at the end, didn’t go up to see him, just left from there to go to the grave after everyone else was done.

I don’t really like the thought of any of it. I want to be cremated in a plain wooden box, no formalities, or grim all black theatrics. But I accept that funerals are mostly about the living, so I guess I hope my children will do whatever is most healing for them.

Firstly, sorry for your loss @Emoleno 💐

I'm not entirely sure what the funeral directors have done wrong here as these are common questions to ask.

It is normal for family to want their relatives dressed in something different to what they died in, perhaps some choose more formal/nice attire. Also visiting the family member before the funeral and excessive decay is normal too, though some choose not to do this.

The first family death i experienced was last August i thought id be traumatised going to the funeral directors to visit a dead body so i refused to go. However, my DGM died last month and I did go, only because I was there when she passed so I had already unexpectedly had that experience and wanted to support my DGD. It was quite emotional and pretty awful though so we left after 15 minutes, which was enough for us. Other family members visited regularly and for the full appointment duration, so it obviously varies from person to person.

I work in a funeral home and these are standard questions. Even if a body is in a bad way, and they often are, many relatives still wish to view. It’s also normal for the family (usually one person specifically), to be asked what they would like their loved to be dressed in. The family will then bring these clothes in and we will dress them.

All done with kindness and care. All totally normal.

@Emoleno i totally get this. After DM died, my cousin was going to see her (I didn’t want to) and the funeral directors described her as “a bit oozy” when putting him off. It’s never left me as an image… I wish he hadn’t told me tbh.