Feel disturbed by thought of expectations at funeral home

My brother died and wasn’t found for a bit, funeral director may have used some flowery language but left the family in no doubt that his body was substantially decayed and wasn’t fit for viewing.

Different people need different things to help with the grieving process. My step sisters mum died last year very suddenly and she couldn’t get her head around the loss. She visited her mum at the funeral parlour 2-3 times a day for the duration of the time she was there because that’s what she needed. Her brother on the other hand didn’t visit once.

I didn't really want to see my dad after he left (we had been with him at the time so I didn't need closure) but the rest of my family were going so I went along. In hindsight I'm glad I did see him one final time although it was very sad. We wrote notes to go in the coffin and the kids had done little drawings for him. He'd have liked that.

Mum chose a pair of suit trousers and a jumper for him to wear. I think she wanted to hang onto his actual clothes so went out and bought the trousers.

Can you imagine how upsetting it would be to go and see the body if they hadn’t warned you it was starting to decay. I think it’s important that they are honest so you can make an informed decision. I’ve always assumed people are “dressed” for the occasion tbh. To the pp who worked in a funeral home are clothes cut at the back to make them easier to put on? I read this somewhere and I’ve always wondered.

Death of a loved one is a very difficult thing to get your head around and we all deal with it in different ways. There is the obvious loss, but there is also the very practical situation of a body that has to be dealt with. It’s perfectly understandable to feel the way you do. Would it help to think of it more as a medical condition that happened to your FIL? I’m not saying definitely do that, just wondering if it might help to reframe it in your mind.

I’ve worn my grandmas wedding ring for over thirty years. She was wearing it when she died so the undertaker had to remove it from her dead body to give it to my dad. My sister wore her watch for a long time (sadly it broke) but didn’t want the ring because it had been taken off a dead body. I wouldn’t say the fact that she was still wearing it when she died makes me feel closer to her or anything, but it doesn’t bother me. It was the ring that my grandma wore. She was still wearing it when she died, as far as I’m concerned she was still my grandma when they took it off her, even though she was dead by that point. I did decide not to see her though, I wanted to remember how she was when she was alive, and the rest of my family agreed with me.

If it continues to bother you it might be worth speaking to a counsellor about it. I don’t think it’s that unusual a reaction, but it’s a difficult one because you can’t really talk about it with your nearest and dearest because it’s just too sensitive a subject.

That’s really unprofessional.

I have always refused this in the past. However I went to see my best friend.

It was a mistake, for me. Absolutely. If you are in any doubt, don’t go.

We all deal with things in different ways and this is the crux of this situation. Do what is right for you. Personally I like spending time with my departed family members before their body is interred or cremated. That might horrify you, but it works for me. It's also worked for generations of people in Ireland. But you are you and you feel how you do - is it the first time you have had to confront this scenario? I totally get that it is overwhelming and deeply sad. But in the midst of this you have to find your way of dealing with grief. I am sorry for your loss.

I went to visit my Dad the day after he died of a massive heart attack and he looked just like himself. I took his suit in for him to be dressed in. Dad was always dressed smartly and we all knew that would be what he'd want. I was with my Mum when she died after a long illness so didn't feel the need to go to see her in funeral home but 2 of my sister's went to see her the day after she died and took her one of her favourite dresses to wear. I would advise anyone wanting to go to go as soon after death as possible whilst they still look themselves.

The clothes I get. I took DM's favourite best outfit to the funeral directors.
I also had the coffin brought home the day before the funeral. The funeral director loosened the screws so if any family wanted to view they could.
Different people want different things, so they have to ask.
When my BIL committed suicide the funeral director gently advised us against viewing.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. We had a direct cremation for my dad. No funeral. I would not have been able to cope with the thought that my dad was lying in the coffin in front of me. The whole family had a get together as celebration of his life.

Depends on your fil's clothes. Your mil might view it as a waste if he has designer clothing that someone else could use, or that could be passed down to family as heirlooms. My aunt, per her request, was cremated in her third best saree because the first and second best and none of her gold jewellry because she wanted her best stuff to go to her grandaughters.

Perhaps funeral director should have led by asking whether MIL thought she might wish to see the body

If not, no need to tell her that he'd soiled himself / vomited. Or that he was decaying. Those are horrible details that most people woukd orefer not to know

It’s very normal to have loved one’s changed into their own clothes. We picked out an outfit for my dad, and yes it got cremated with him, as did photos and a blanket I put in with him. Usually a funeral home with embalm a loved one for viewing. I always go to the chapel of rest, but I wouldn’t if the body hadn’t been embalmed. Close friend of mine recently died, and it was much nicer to see her straight after she passed, than my experience of chapel of rest as the body feels quite waxy after the embalming fluid. But I never got chance with my dad so went to see him 5 days later at the funeral home. If they advised me his body was showing obvious signs of decay and hadn’t embalmed, i’d have thought twice. Still may have gone though as I wasn’t there when he passed and I was desperate to see him to say goodbye.

You maybe need to look at it differently OP, I know it’s difficult.

i took great comfort in choosing washing and ironing the clothes we laid my mum to rest in. It’s a very personal decision whether you go to see him or not - we did and I am forever grateful- I think it really helped me so much. Makes you realise that the body is a mere shell and the love lives on within you. Sorry for your loss. I know these times are tough for in-laws too x

You don't have to see a body if you don't want to. Most cultures are much more comfortable and open with death and viewing the body is part of the mourning and grieving process, and it's part of closure and healing. Personally, I always feel slightly freaked out when viewing bodies but it's my preference to do this as it helps me with my grief and gives me a chance to say goodbye. Open caskets is standard in my culture, it isn't for DH and I have found the funerals in his family very clinical and emotionless. Each to their own.

I don’t understand. Some people like to view bodies of loved ones. Some don’t. Some are torn.

The funeral home is not staffed by mind readers who know what camp people are in. So, they ask. There is zero expectation so no idea where you get that from, unless there is something you have not written. If someone’s not looking great they do have a duty to express this as it may change someone’s mind who did want to or was torn about it.

Same with clothes. I don’t work in a funeral home but do know from conversations with morgue staff in the past that it’s something many people are really into. Some want their loved ones in certain clothes. They also often want them to have blankets but that’s a whole other sphere really. Just from my own personal experience supporting two extended family members whose children were in an accident and murdered (separately obviously) and bodies not found for several months, when the bodies were recovered, the most important thing to them was the clothes, one having their favourite shirt to wear and the other a beautiful dress. It’s not rationale but it’s important to some and doesn’t have to be. Again, the funeral home is asking questions based on their vast experiences, it’s not some personal crusade against your individual sensibilities.

It's quite normal for people to view a body, so of course the funeral home has to ask. There is no pressure involved, a simple yes or no is all that is required. I didn't go to see my DM and never felt under any pressure to do so.

I'm sorry for your loss, but YABU. These are things they have to do.

I agree with the clothing. FIL had a clear idea of what dress he wanted for her, but never went in her wardrobe and just couldn't. Nor could DP. So SIL invited me to help her find it (which took a while, men and their description of clothes...) but she said it helped her to have me look with her while we talked and we eventually found the right thing. It did help everyone in different ways I think.

There’s no expectation. Most people want to. Some don’t. The funeral home will simply give you a choice; they don’t have any expectations either way.

If people do want to see the body, the staff at the mortuary or funeral home will gently explain what to expect and warn you about anything unusual, as they did with your mother-in-law.

In terms of clothing, if the deceased’s family don’t feel it necessary to dress the dead person in their best clothes or whatever, the funeral home staff can usually dress them in a plain white cotton robe for their burial or cremation.

There's no pressure to see the body. You are asked if you would like to. When my parent died, I did, but my sibling chose not to. There was no pressure.

Choosing their clothing felt like a way of honouring them. They were always very particular about their appearance, so going through their wardrobe and selecting an outfit, including undergarments, felt like a way of paying homage. It was actually quite comforting.

Does your MIL need some support? Perhaps with choosing some clothes and taking them to the funeral home? Maybe talk gently with her and she’ll see that FIL would want to be dressed nicely and with dignity, and not want to attend his own funeral in old, stained pyjamas.

Both my stepfather and FIL were buried in full kilt and regalia (worth a lot of money) so it’s nothing unusual to dress them in a formal outfit. A suit, but if there’s no viewing then maybe just a favourite set of clothes. Think of it from a pov of what FIL would want.

You don’t have to view the body if you don’t want to. But if DH does he may want you there to support him. When my FIL died, I went with (now ex-) DH but I sat in a pew and didn’t approach the coffin.

I strongly advise you not to go if you don't want to. I didn't want to go and see my mum, advised my sister not to but she did anyway. She was very upset and described what mum looked like, and why she didn't look like "mum". I didn't want to see her, or have the description of her in my head so I was bloody annoyed at my sister telling me what she looked like. I suggest that if other people go, ask them to please not tell you what your FIL looks like.