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Original poster

Is our parenting technique too gentle?!

210 replies

GJD23000 · 05/04/2025 21:23

I need a bit of advice. My husband and I are starting to think we are too gentle on our 6 year old DD. I absolutely wouldn’t class us as ‘gentle parents’ but we are definitely on the gentler side of strict, we only have the one so I would say we are pretty relaxed with her. We are incredibly flexible in our jobs, which we love, but it also means we can be at her beck and call and are almost ‘too’ available for her. I ask now because her behaviour, especially around bedtime, has been getting increasingly bad - tonight she has screamed at us for over an hour, calling us horrible names and being very rude. She refuses to go to bed without us going to bed next door at the same time (we have on occasions done this when tired and watched some tv) Her attitude can sometimes be bad, quite rude and often she comes out with really mean things. Other times she is amazing, sooo funny, kind, loving and friendly but her ‘mean’ times seem to be increasing and I am wondering if we need to be stricter. You read the internet and it tells you all the horror stories of strict parenting but I’m starting to think the lack of it is leading to her disrespecting us….what are we doing wrong?! Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
GJD23000 · 05/04/2025 21:34

No siblings.

it’s a tough one, we have tried everything - calming techniques/setting repercussions etc. it has got to the point now that the only thing that works when she gets like this is giving her a hug, telling her we love her and saying we are done listening to this now we can chat in the morning but 1. We sit in the corner of her room to still give her the comfort of us being there and 2. We put earphones in as it’s the only way she can see for sure we aren’t listening otherwise the abuse would continue! She then gets fed up and falls asleep… which she has just done now!

OP posts:
sprigatito · 05/04/2025 21:33

Gentle parenting is often mistaken for permissive parenting. It doesn’t mean being a wet lettuce and caving in to shocking behaviour. It’s about being firm and consistent without using fear or violence. Your daughter needs boundaries like any child, she will feel safer if she knows you are in charge and there are limits - but I would add that a six year old going through a phase of being defiant and rude doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong. It’s what you do in response that counts. Talk to her dad and agree a set of rules, strategies and consequences - then start enforcing them calmly and with total, anal consistency.

Birdseyetrifle · 05/04/2025 21:31

Why are you letting a 6 year old dictate when you go to bed?

You know it’s alright for your daughter to not get her own and be upset. Grow a back bone and stop letting her decide what’s going to happen, she’s a child. She needs to know who the adults are to feel safe.

CaptainFuture · 05/04/2025 21:31

She refuses to go to bed without us going to bed next door at the same time
You've been allowing her to dictate your bedtime?!

KebabCancelled · 05/04/2025 21:30

No child of mine would be dictating my bedtime. Hell no.

to me - that’s not @gentle parenting’ - that’s you letting the kid rule the roost - my advice : put a stop to it now - put some boundaries in place. think carefully about letting this behaviour continue - what on Earth will they be like as a teenager if they are walking all over you now?

Sidge · 05/04/2025 21:30

She’s not supposed to be in charge, you are. You’re the parents, she’s 6!

Start setting some boundaries now and enforce them or you’ll potentially be raising a very challenging, obnoxious teenager.

Children need boundaries and to know you’re in charge here.

Sevenandahalf · 05/04/2025 21:29

It sounds like you might be being permissive , but it's hard to tell based on your post. My DD is 6 and I am a pretty strict but gentle parent who also gives my children lots of fun and lots of listening. In my house there just would not be horrible names from my children- what do you both do when this occurs ? I appreciate it's tricky at bedtime as they're tired.
Does she think you're going to bed at the same time as her ? I don't think that sends the correct message.
How does she behave in the day time ? Or at school?

Zofloramummy · 05/04/2025 21:29

Firm boundaries needed. Speak to her when she isn’t tired and tell her what the rules around bedtime are and have clear consequences in place that she is aware of.

Gemmawemma9 · 05/04/2025 21:27

Sounds like your relaxed parenting style has led to her ruling the roost.
6 is too old for tantrums. Gentle parenting involves firm boundaries-time to start setting them now I would say.

theotherplace · 05/04/2025 21:26

how did you deal with it when she was playing up and does she have any siblings who act similarly?