Is our parenting technique too gentle?!

That's not necessary. By very negative reaction, you are referring to punishment. But the child is already very upset and stressed. I don't think punishment is necessary or helpful. Certainly not before taking the much easier, less risky route of just laying out expectations and sticking to them consistently. It's not necessary to be unpleasant to children to get them to meet your expectations.

It sounds like you're trying to be very caring parents and you really want to get the balance right. My grandma always used to say, 'if they don't respect you when they're small, they won't respect you when they're big'. It's a very simplistic statement with a lot of flaws, but ultimately, parents need to set themselves as the leaders of the family when kids are small, and this can be expressed in as kind a way as you like, so long as you hold the boundary and don't get sucked into using pleading language or not following through.

I am an authoritative parent; somewhere in between gentle parenting and strict. I think most thoughtful parents slot in there somewhere. I fill my children with love, praise, connection, warmth and acceptance but I do expect them to follow my instructions without too much of a pushback.

If any of my children, aged 6, continually screamed and shouted at me, they would have a lot of their privileges removed and would get a serious talking to and reminded who they are speaking to. I wouldn't accept it, just as I wouldn't accept an adult speaking to me like that. I teach 6 year olds and honestly, they can handle having a toy/device/tv removed and they fully understand why.

If my child was screaming hurtful things at me, I'd calmly reassure them, tell them that you want them to stop using those words and explain that if it continues, they will get x consequence. If they continue doing shouting, remove what you threatened to do. If they behave themselves the following night, reward them and tell them that if they value x toy, they need to stay in bed and stop shouting to get her own way.

Every single time they behave like this at night, follow it up with a negative consequence. Every single time they do well, reward it the next day.
Don't over explain, don't get tucked into negotiations or 'please just go to sleep for mummy' type of weak language. Go in strong. 'I don't like the way you're speaking to me and I want you to stop now.' Don't cave in. Backlash always gets worse before it gets better when children get their first real taste of discipline after not having had much before hand.

Babies and toddlers I can understand, but at 6 your daughter does need a much firmer approach. I'm sure you will do a great job and you sound like a lovely mum with the best intentions.

Why do you sit in her room in the corner? She's 6!

You leave her. You put her back to bed if she gets out. Do not engage with her. rinse and repeat

You sit in her room? She's 6, not 2! You doing that is showing her she can get what she wants through, quits frankly, awful behaviour. No parent on this planet should be giving into a child verbally abusing them. What happens when she starts doing it to her teachers at school? What she is doing is far from ok and the way you are dealing with it is also far from ok. You walk away and when she stops and apologises you go back in and not a second before.

@Tuttifrutticutiepie yes of course she goes asleep-because she’s got exactly what she wants! Her parents at her beck and call, sitting with her while she sleeps. Hardly a punishment is it!

But screaming abuse at someone should get a reaction, a very negative reaction.

Speak to her when she's calm, tell her that if she screams at you or says mean things you will leave her on her own. Explain to her that people (including you) do not like being screamed at/called names and that you will not be putting up with it any longer. Also ask her how she would feel if you called her x (use one of the names she has called you) and tell her to really think about it. Tell her that's how she's making you feel every time and it will not be allowed to continue.

You can't allow her to scream at you and have absolutely no response/consequence for it. What are you teaching her there? That she can abuse the people who love her? Nip it in the bud before she's old enough for this to become a problem out of your control.

It could be either really, that you’re too permissive or that it’s just the way she is at the moment and she needs something different. She may be starting to show signs of anxiety, or ND.

fwiw both my children have been difficult to get to sleep and we have been extremely permissible-including sleeping in their beds, getting in with them and staying in the room whilst they get off to sleep- indeed my H still sits next to my 10YOa bed until she goes to sleep.

neither of them have tantrums or speak to us like that

You have been far to gentle. You can gentle parent and have boundaries. Your DD behaves terribly towards you at times and you allow her to. Start installing consequences and take control. Kids don't feel safe if parents have no boundaries so please set some. It sounds like you are doing permissive parenting rather than gentle parenting.

The OP has explained she gives up and goes to sleep when they do this. Am I missing something? It's the inconsistency of sometimes giving a reaction, sometimes giving in, etc that's causing the screaming to continue. Soon as she realises that bedtime is a non negotiable event and her protest will not get her what she wants, and will be quietly and calmly ignored, and this happens every time, she will adjust to the status quo and stop trying to push the boundary. But you don't have to be unkind or strict to achieve this. And you don't have to punish, criticise or shame. It's only necessary to set expectations and be consistent.

What is the consequence of her screaming at you? What privileges or favourite things get taken away? You must, surely, at least tell her off? Right?

She's sounds awful, quite frankly. Have fun parenting her when she's a teenager.

Stick to sitting in her room while she screams at them and calls them names? Don’t be daft.

This response is perfectly gentle and it works. Why not stick with this? Being gentle and respectful to your child doesn't mean ignoring age appropriate boundaries and letting them do exactly what they want. It is gentle parenting to do what you've described above, and it's worked. The only other thing I would suggest is laying out your expectations in advance.

You’ve mistaken gentle for permissive. Aim for respectful parenting with clear boundaries so she knows what’s what and where the lines are.

At the moment it sounds like she’s lashing out in a fear or rage at not knowing where the line is, what’s acceptable behaviour and who’s in charge.

I’ve got a 6 year old. There is no chance in hell she’d think she could dictate to us when we go to bed. Things seems pretty out of hand if she thinks that’s okay. You’ve let her. Both of you have.

You don’t do her any favours by letting her think she’s in charge of you. She’s crying out - literally - for you to lay out clearly what she needs to do and how and when. She’s not going to like it when you start but you do really need to now and then hopefully you can all get to a better place.

Yes. You are turning her into the very thing you two don't want to be-an abusive monster. You can change this but it's probably not wise to come down like a ton of bricks straightaway. You might benefit from parenting classes.

Stop letting her rule the roost. You're not parenting her at all. You need to come down hard on some of this shit and stop being wishy-washy.

You are the parents. When you decide it's bedtime for her then that's that. She goes to bed and she doesn't dictate when you do. How on earth did you ever get into that? Tell her SHE is going to bed and you will be going when you are good and ready. THE END.

Get control now or you'll not know what has hit you when she is a teenager.

Agreed. You're allowing her to scream abuse at you, and it seems as though there are zero consequences for this.

If she's only just gone to bed at 9.30 what time did you take her up? I think being over tired won't help.
I don't think you should be sitting in her room with her while she shouts at you. Story, night night, light off....see her in the morning. You will need to talk this through with her in the morning and explain these boundaries.

Er well it’s not working if she’s deciding your bedtime, screaming at you and being rude - it’s not going to work for her either because no one likes a kid who’s only nice when she’s getting her own way.

So, sit her down and say you’ve noticed her behaviour has become poor, no one likes rude girls, so you are both going to insist on better behaviour or no treats.

Starting with going to bed on time.

You will have a week of tantrums but it will calm down quite quickly when she learns that whatever she does she will be taken back to bed.

once the worst of it is out the way I’d suggest a star chart and some minor bribes (aka treats dependant on good behaviour)

oh and give her a daily chore, it’s good for kids to be part of a team

I’m sorry, you sit in the corner of her room while she screams abuse at you?? Literally shut the door and walk away? A consequence of shouting vile abuse is that people won’t want to be around you. She needs to learn this!

I consider myself a very relaxed parent to our 5 year old but I have very firm boundaries. I do not tolerate rudeness, meanness or name calling.

Children need the safety, security, grounding, feeling rooted - that parental boundaries, rules and norms provide.

why you would rob your child of that sense of safety - that others are in charge - that her parents are in charge and will keep her life safe and calm for her - is beyond me

So when she screams what do you do? If my child told me to go to bed I think I’d laugh and turn off her light. Problem is you’ve confused respect for being an equal- you can fully respect your child, show them respect and still have them know you’re the parents