Is our parenting technique too gentle?!

My little girl doesn’t really have the personality for ‘gentle’ parenting but my parents were authoritative/strict and it was actually pretty detrimental to our relationship, I couldn’t really talk to them as always felt like I would get in trouble and never felt my mum was on my side

Your parents were strict with you for a reason, and the reason is that if they hadn’t have been you’d have probably been screaming abuse at them and dictating their bedtime like your daughter is doing to you.

My mum did not put rules in place and I behaved like your daughter. As I got older I used to lash out at her and call her names. I wanted a good telling off and I never got one. It made me feel like she didn’t care about me and that I was in charge, which I was. It made me worry that if a burglar came she wouldn’t be able to deal with it and I would have to tackle a burglar. I felt unsafe in the home and scared.

You mentioned you couldn’t talk to your parents. Neither could I, because my mum wouldn’t stand up to a small child so there was no way I was going to burden her with issues like being bullied or problems in school. I was jealous of my friends with strict parents.

All of these things are absolutely true and good but also kids and adults get tired and irrational and just need to f-ing go to bed and preferably be told kindly, compassionately, and firmly that it's bedtime. Gonna tell myself that right now but if I was a kid I'd need someone else to

#oldschoolparenting

While I don’t really personally favour strict parenting, there needs to be a balance. You are the parents - you need to set some boundaries. Generally children feel more secure with some (fair) rules and order. There’s also no excuse for rude behaviour or calling you names - where is she learning that from!?

@FoldinthecheeseI love the idea of "two minutes." I may steal that one.😀

I would guess there are unclear boundaries outside of bedtime as well. Children need clear, enforced boundaries. Without clear boundaries they have to make the rules themselves, which is scary for them.

Is her bedtime appropriate for her age? When not throwing a tantrum does she go to sleep in a reasonable time? Do you have a bedtime routine that is consistently followed?

I think you have swung too far into permissive and need to re-establish boundaries and enforce them.

As for cancelling the sleepover Tuesday, many would argue that is too far from the behaviour to be effective discipline. Effective discipline happens in the moment.

Completely agree @Tuttifrutticutiepie

How are you getting to the stage where she is able to say horrible things to you. I would not allow it.

Im a strict parent to an only child (you say she is an only like it’s an excuse). She’s a teen now, we have a very good relationship - everyone says we are like best friends, she opens up to me, but the boundaries are there - there is a line that we have both drawn - as a parent, I’ve also gotten to know what her boundaries are - parenting is a 2 way street but there are non negotiables.

I think many parents fear that strict = no relationship. That’s not true. At her age it’s so important that you give her those boundaries. That she is told off for bad language and being rude. That she understand there is a bedtime. You are allowed to hear her out too. When’s she’s calmer you can talk about it.

When my DD was around that age she hated bed time and eventually she told me that she was scared of a reoccurring scary dream she was having. I say this to highlight that even at a young age you can be strict and enforce bedtime, and you can also have conversations and help them to articulate feelings.

@CNN25 sorry if I’m doubling up on something already said.

It sounds very challenging. Im sure you’ve thought about this, but do you know what she is feeling at bedtime / why she may be behaving like this?

As a child I became quite scared to go to bed. I felt lonely and frightened. I think I’d also become aware I wasn’t going to live forever, which terrified me and was frightened my grandfather would die. I guess I’m sharing this, as I’m sure you’ve thought, but what is it that she may be feeling and how could you reassure her/ help ease it.

Many other people have shared good thoughts on affirming boundaries etc xx

She's not a "horror". She's an overwhelmed 6 year old child expressing her anxiety around being separated from her parents through unwanted behaviours. Behaviours which can be addressed with the right strategies. Whereas you are all grown up but still get something out of anonymously upsetting strangers who have only asked for help when they are struggling.

I agree with a PP about setting expectations long in advance of bedtime. She will go to bed at X time, Mummy and Daddy will leave, she can listen to an audiobook but may not get out of bed. Maybe create a visual reminder with each step listed and illustrated: bath, brushing teeth, two stories, or whatever your usual routine is. I definitely wouldn't be sitting in the room with her, nor would I wear earphones. And I certainly wouldn't be told by a 6-year-old that I need to go to bed at the same time!

However, here is where I part company from some PPs. I wouldn't punish her for her behaviour. I'm not a fan of punishments in general. That absolutely doesn't mean I'd allow her to continue shouting or calling me horrible names, though. Instead, first of all I'd have a chat with her (long before bedtime, when you're both calm and doing something together like drawing or baking) to work out why she is acting this way. Is she afraid of something? Is she worried about something and bedtime is when these worries arise? Is she overtired? Or is it actually the opposite and she doesn't need as much sleep as you think? I might experiment with timings, not as a punishment but just to figure out when she seems to get the best night's sleep.

If she gets out of bed after lights out, I'd simply return her to bed every time, no discussion. I would make it very clear that she is not allowed to speak to me disrespectfully or call me names. It does sound as though she wants you to show her where the line is that she shouldn't cross.

We’re a weird combo of gentle and authoritative. So bed time would be negotiable (within reason but probably very late to many) but name calling and rudeness would be totally unacceptable. I guess or comes down to where your boundaries are (before you take the behaviour into account and not after). I don’t think any of this is a particular style of parenting, its more about what you need to stick to and what you can let go for your family.

When my daughter at a slightly younger age was going through some difficult behaviour, one thing that worked for me was to calmly talk to her and ask her if she wanted to do this the hard way or the easy way. You have to go through it step by step and say 'well, we can do this the hard way and you can scream at me and I can get cross and you will get shouted at and you will probably cry and feel bad and in the end you will have to go to bed anyway because that is how it always ends and you will feel unhappy and go to bed late and wake up feeling not so great, or we can do this the easy way and I will ask you to go to bed and you will do it because you want to wake up tomorrow feeling rested and happy. Your choice.' Alter according to what actually happens.

Also, while I'm obviously an advocate of kind parenting, I also think that if a child is pushing you beyond your boundaries that it is OK to show that you are a person too and also need to be treated with respect. Maybe sometimes that means being not as gentle as you'd like to be. Gentleness perhaps requires buy in from the child in that they must also be gentle with you.

I'm far from an authoritarian parent but I am authoratitive and always expected my daughter to comply with reasonable instructions. But I also think that 6 year olds aren't that great at working out what is reasonable or not. Perhaps you need to spell it out for her a bit?

My daughter is now 18 and has a part-time job working with children. She uses 'the hard way or the easy way' on them to this day with a lot of success. Takes a bit of sticking to it and a lot of repetition, but worth a try.

My littlest child was a nightmare to put to bed for years. I found a small weighed blanket seemed to calm her down a bit. Have a think about what calms her, is it squishy toys or having a tight blanket on or a lava lamp type thing. Try a bit of connection time before bed as this type of behaviour can be attention seeking. I graduated putting her to sleep on her own by walking in and out of her room putting clothes away.

She goes to sleep now alone at 7. We read together. She then does some drawing and listening to a podcast with her small blanket on her and a soft light on.

You’ve created a little horror.

You sound like a very loving and caring mum. But maybe her appalling behaviour at those times is in fact an unconscious request for firmer boundaries. She wants and needs you guys to be the boss and time and time again she’s made to feel unsafe by blurry boundaries.

There needs to be consequences for name calling for instance. And clearer action around bedtime.

It sounds really tough and you have my sympathies. But it’s time to take some control back.

I have a 6yo DD as well as two 9yo DSes. I’ve never experienced anything like this at bedtime, but a big game-changer for us was adding ‘two minutes’. I got tired of sitting with my DD until she fell asleep, so now after she gets ready for bed and we read a book, I set a timer for two minutes. Those two minutes are a time for the two of us to cuddle and chat, without any distractions. Sometimes we sing together, or talk about our day, or she asks questions about things. Oftentimes it lasts more than two minutes, but when it ends she knows she’s had that time that is just for her. She’s happy to say goodnight and is often asleep moments later. Perhaps you could suggest a routine like that to your DD. Having that time dedicated to connecting with her might help her to detach for the rest of the night. And you could start with more time, like ten minutes, and gradually drop down.
It sounds like you’re a great mum and very responsive to your daughter’s needs, but I will say that none of my children have ever screamed at me or called me names. It makes me wonder if maybe you need to set firmer boundaries across the board to reestablish yourself in a position of authority. I was an only child and I loved it, but I definitely think the dynamic can blur the boundaries of authority.

Honestly, I think sometimes people just need to hear that - no, this is absolutely not normal. This isn’t gentle parenting or any other nomenclature, and something needs to change in what you’re doing

But can you not see how this is still incredibly weird? Sitting in the corner of your 6 year olds room with earplugs/ headphones whilst she angrily takes herself to sleep. This is the issue. Something has gone fundamentally wrong here

*perhaps