Is our parenting technique too gentle?!

You can be and need to be both firm and loving. On holiday with extended family with young children they are just incredible parents. If all parents were like them our society would not have the problems it does. They both work with teens professionally though.

Gentle parenting is permissive parenting, the parenting that leads to the best outcomes is authoritative parenting, look up the developmental research on it.

@TheaBrandt1 that’s annoying people think you are ‘lucky’ when it’s your approach and the work you’ve done to create those positive relationships. It makes me feel a bit annoyed for you! ‘No, we are not lucky, it took work, our work!!’ ☺️

hi @CNN25

I’ve had similar issues with DD6. She is the youngest of 2. She was never great at settling in her own bed - frequently ended up in my bed until she was probably 5.5. Her dad, my exH was a nightmare to live with, an extremely angry and at times scary man, so I’ve definitely been soft - probably too soft - as a reaction to that.

Things that have worked for me:

• consistent 8pm in bed, they read for a bit and then I read her a story about 8.30 and light off (tbh this is more of a challenge for me, getting kids fed, showered, ready for bed between getting home at 6 and 8pm bed 😵‍💫)
• a nightlight - this has helped hugely
• consequences - from no treats in lunchbox to missing out on something. I’ve been a bit wet on this as I feel guilty
• Tbh losing my rag at times and not always being prepared to cop her shit. Her dad was such a scary man I’ve tried to be kind and patient but actually a bit of well timed “This is UNACCEPTABLE” growling like the good old days of 80s parenting (like what I got daily vs twice a year) works wonders!!!!!!

I agree with the advice about winding down to bedtime in a set way every night. Make sure you always read a bedtime story and have some non-stimulating toys on the bed she can play with.

It does sound like she might be scared at night, so consider where the bed is, relative to the door. We also left all the upstairs doors open at night, so they didn't feel isolated and could hear us pottering about after they had gone to bed. You could always leave the hallway light on downstairs, so there's a bit of light and it doesn't feel like the whole house is asleep if they wake in the middle of the night.

Rather than staying in the bedroom at bedtime, we used to hang around upstairs, chatting in the bathroom, while we took it in turns to have a bath, sorting out washing, putting stuff away.

As for the rudeness; different things work. I have always found a sign of disapproval/disappointment and then stop all engagement until they want to be polite again works with my two.

We have always been very firm and clear about how our two treat us and others. Unashamedly. The first hint of rudeness from when they were tiny got an immediate line in the sand “don’t you speak to me like that”. We explain we don’t speak to them or each other like they and we won’t accept it from them either.

Apparently we seen as very “lucky” that as teens they are lovely to us and we have a great family dynamic and close relationships.

@CNN25 is this just happening at bedtime?

If it is, then I think this is to do with reassurance at bedtime. One of mine was exactly the same, he hated being left on his own at bedtime and we got all the behaviour before he finally went to sleep. Was absolutely fine in the daytime. We used to dread bedtimes.. we too couldn’t leave him. He’d become hysterical. In the end, we accepted that he was behaving badly due to fear and we approached things differently. There was no magic bullet but life became more peaceful when we accepted that this was a symptom of him needing a lot of nighttime reassurance.

Very judgemental post " no child of mine". The OP is looking for support and building blocks to change things. She does not need someone stealing her blocks that she is trying to put together.

What time does she go to bed? It’s possible she actually isn’t tired, could she cope with a slightly later bedtime with some time for readjng/colouring? I would try and chat to her during the day about what’s going on at bedtime, and see if you can establish what’s under the behaviour? Is she afraid of somethin, which is why she doesn’t want you to leave her?

What a nonsense post.

You are permissive parents not gentle parents. Gentle parenting is parenting without screaming or verbally abusing your child and not hitting them, but using age appropriate consequences. You are permissive. Your child rules the roost. If my 4yr old told me what to do I would laugh and say no. If he screamed he would be told off. Abuse would be a telling off too. Seriously get a backbone and parent your child.

My children all hated bedtime. They were frightened of missing something. I used to do bath, stories, kisses, cuddles then left them to it. They understood that they could read, have a little play in their room but the mummy time was finished. Worked great once they got the hang of it. Generally they looked at a book and drifted off. They only really got up and came to get me if they felt unwell.

Do you think she's frightened or has nightmares? I was terrified of a variety of supernatural things at 6 years old (I must have inadvertently watched a kids' TV programme that was aimed at 10 year olds) and my mother used to have to stay on the landing outside with my door open and the landing light on. She used to do a bit of ironing (!) and I was comforted by the squeak of the ironing board and could then go to sleep.
I think your DD's "meanie mummy" is because she's scared

I have a 6 year old daughter too. She is very emotional, highly strung and tends to totally lose control. I found the book The Explosive Child very helpful. If traditional adult imposed consequences just turn into an escalating power struggle, the book suggests ways to work as a team to help children meet expectations instead. It is based on the idea that children do well (behave) if they can. They know you are the boss and don’t want or enjoy conflict but they lack the skills to respond appropriately to demands. I have found it extremely helpful, and I feel comfortable with the approach as someone who is not a natural tough disciplinarian, but wants to raise a respectful and kind teen in the future.

Are you for real?

This reads as though you get excited about the prospect of exercising that kind of power to frighten and upset a 6 year old child? Do you? Does it make you feel excited to think of the OP's child being really distraught? Or perhaps it is the thought of OP getting upset by your comment calling her child "nasty brat" that you are salivating over...

Could you try “in room” rather than “in bed?” I gave my poor parents hell at bedtime due to not being tired, because I…wasn’t tired. I’ve never needed a lot of sleep. My Mum eventually just made it a rule that I had to be in my bedroom and quiet from 8pm. They still got their evening and I could read or play or listen to tapes (showing my age!) quietly. Sanity was restored, no more bedtime arguments happened and I’m now 34 and still only sleep 5-6 hours a night.

@op what were the methods your parents employed that made you feel unable to go to them? Was it shame? Was it emotional unavailability? Because for me, gentle parenting isn't about never saying no or never telling them off, but it's about not using shame or emotional manipulation as parenting techniques. You can absolutely parent authoritatively AND avoid creating a parent/child relationship like the one you grew up with. You sound very emotionally supportive of your daughter, now I think some of the practical stuff like making clear your lines in the sand on behaviour and bedtime will actually strengthen your relationship rather than damage it.

You're being sent to bed by a six year old? Good grief! This kid needs to learn that your family is not a democracy. You are tolerating her calling you names, fgs. This isn't working, is it? Show her that there are consequences to bad behaviour. (Take away devices, use the naughty step, do whatever is safe and works for you.) If you don't, you're raising your kid to be a tyrant.

When you say 'parenting'....

Also, we need to go to bed, whether we feel actively tired or not 😊

Hmmmm, she may be tired, but just saying she is ‘not tired’ to try to avoid it.

I would definitely create the boundaries as others suggested.. Id also want to feel into why she is behaving this way, as I’m sure you are. I don’t believe she, or other children are just ‘naughty’.. she’s having emotions, causing her to feel and behave this way.

Again, when I was a child, I was told I had to stay in my room at night or a lock would be put on my door. It was such a desolate experience. My mother would give me orange juice at night to drink and leave on the bedside table (such a strange thing to do I think.) Though I’d never wet myself, sometimes I used to pour it on the bed and pretend I’d done so. My father would only allow her to come in, if I’d wet myself. I did this many times. I mentioned it years later and she said she never knew it was orange juice on the bed. I find that quite unbelievable. It seems we lived in quite an abusive situation, but it’s hard for me to know clearly.. as I was a child.

All this makes me remember how scary bedtime was for me, nightmares as well. I really have empathy for children scared at night. I’m sure / hope / boundaries and understanding will help your daughter and you both!

OP, in the kindest possible way — you're supposed to be her parents, not her friends. It's your job to establish boundaries and rules and ensure she sticks to them. It will help her feel safe. At the moment she's having to take charge in her 6-year-old way because you're not doing the job she needs you to do. The shouting and being rude to you is a way of her trying to find the boundaries. It's terrifying for a child when no one is in charge.

You and your husband need to step up and be the adults. She doesn't have to like or be happy with your rules but you do have to be in charge. She can't expect to be happy or get her own way all the time. We all, even when we are only six, need to learn that we can't always get what we want. She needs you to do this for her. Take control.

For me cancelling the sleepover isn't really effective..its too far away and by the time Tuesday comes she won't really connect the 2 things. If this behaviour is worse around bedtime I would wonder if this is about anxiety (as well as being a diva lol!) Is she trying to control the narrative? She's really annoyed at being put to bed and you adults remaining downstairs so she's left out ? I am not excusing this behaviour at all just looking for reasons for it. I wouldn't put up with this at all but it is a bit unusual....
I'm sure you have a good bedtime routine and all but just reinforce it and be really consistent. Plenty of discussion before bed about what is happening and when...what the adults will be doing etc. Off to bed..then stop staying in her room just keep returning her calmly. And keep going as long as it takes. Reward chart? And reward good bedtimes and lots of praise and working towards a treat. Focusing on good behaviour rather than taking away things for bad behaviour.