Is our parenting technique too gentle?!

Boundaries, rules, consequences, and manage her expectations. Explain actions and consequences in age appropriate, plain English.
Never threaten, plead, wheedle, or bargain. Be calm, matter of fact, and firm.

As well as the bedtime routine, give her a symbol of you that she can have in her room (such as a photo of you and a teddy) and transfer her attention to those when she demands you go to bed at the same time as her.

Good god, this is one of the daftest things I’ve ever heard, how on earth have you ended up in this situation. Of course you need to be stricter. She cannot dictate what you do, that’s ridiculous. If you don’t sort her out you are in for trouble ahead. You are the parent, parent your child.

I took this approach with mine too and now as teens we have a very mutually respectful relationship and they come to me with anything and everything. Not allowing your child to speak to you rudely doesn't mean you'll push them away, it actually does the exact opposite.

I have a friend who would probably not complain about her 6 year olds behaviour but he speaks to her awfully. I think she's actually so used to it she barely notices anymore but she never corrects him on it and I just wonder how their relationship will be when he's older.

Yes, this. Communicate in a very clear and authoritative way. Distancing physically and asserting those boundaries. It's tough, but most of us have had to do this, at some point.

I don't mean hitting or screaming at them, I mean telling them very firmly that you will not be spoken to like that and if they continue you will do x (whatever consequence you feel is appropriate) whether that be losing something the following day or walking away and leaving them which is a very natural consequence to someone shouting at you and calling you names.

You need to start being firmer. Bed time, story then cuddles then you leave. Explain this during the day and then stick to it. No sitting in the corner etc. Screaming and mean name calling gets a consequence the next day. Being good at bedtime gets her a sticker on a chart. Maybe a treat at the weekend if she gets a week of stickers.

This.

Children need boundaries to feel safe. Routines are oso good for them.

💯 %

As to the discussion here around the central issue. I think that Gentle parenting can be authoritative, or authoritative parenting can be gentle- but often people confuse it with permissive parenting, think they should let their children get away with anything, which is a disaster. Or make their children into their mates, which also doesn’t work. Kids need clear and consistent boundaries, with consequences for unacceptable choices. That doesn’t mean punishing them for being angry or for having preferences, it’s important to punish behaviour rather than feelings. But consequences are compatible with parenting gently, we don’t have to yell or be arbitrary or deny kids their own agency.

Aim for ‘warm~strict’ op.

It sounds exhausting for all of you. A few suggestions here:

If she says she’s not tired, can she read independently in bed after you finish reading to her, or would it be acceptable for her to play quietly with a toy in bed? Otherwise offer a story on audible or whatever, after your stories have finished and she’s on her own.

wrt sanctions, are you giving warnings? eg If this horrible behaviour carries on we won’t be able to have a sleepover on Tuesday- we can only have sleepovers with people who behave properly at bedtime. I imagine you are, but I remember my next door neighbour once going from barely reacting to her kid then suddenly shouting at her “right that’s it, you’re not coming on holiday with us!” which understandably made the kid even more angry/upset because it was so sudden and disproportionate. Make it clear what will happen if the behaviour continues, allow a way out, a better choice, and follow through with whatever you said will happen (positive consequences as well as negative, if she does choose the behaviour you want).

Also do you have a pre-bedtime evening routine that is calming, not stimulating? Or signals that it’s time to wind down? Things that happen consistently every night and get her into that state of relaxation. Maybe bath and then a story downstairs, with a snack, then more stories upstairs after tooth brushing.

good luck!

As a mother who has raised two kind, considerate, well adjusted human beings. I can say this hand on heart, there is nothing wrong with losing your shit every now and then.
Animals snap at their young to show when a boundary has been crossed. Show her where that boundary is, don’t just sit in the corner whilst she dances all over it.

How active is she? Do you go out for a walk after school/after dinner? Does she need to use up some energy?

Absolutely this
Although I think it's just normal parenting not strict parenting to teach your DC that it's time to
Wash hands and sit down to eat
Brush teeth
Go to bed
Behave appropriately for the environment eg no running indoors/ restaurants

Just parenting

If she gets out of bed keep taking her back calmly and with minimal words- It’s bedtime. You might do it 20 times but she’ll tire before you .

I don’t understand how the voting is meant to work - Ainu that our parenting is too gentle? Whatever you mean, this situation is ridiculous and you are not doing her any favours.

@CNN25

Look, it's not easy to first instigate a new rule /routine but you sitting in the corner with headphones on just shouldn't be perpetuated any longer.

My DC x 2 were getting up all the time and coming back downstairs when they realised they could - although they were a lot younger than 6.
We just put them back to bed. Did not engage. Rinse and repeat. One night I think we counted 20+ times. Probably took about 2 weeks to a month to properly become the new routine.
You need consistency and commitment from the parents. Good luck.

I hope you get your evenings back soon

‘You are 6 darling and adults don’t go to bed at the same time as 6 year olds.’
‘It’s bedtime now, good night see you in the morning’
Repeat. No discussion. Mean it.

Well she clearly has no respect for you so go figure .

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/parenting-matters/202501/does-gentle-parenting-work?amp

This is a good article. @CNN25

While I agree with gentle parenting to an extent, I think the key is to be authoritative. I’ve just been away with a camping with a very large group of pretty lively boys. It was interesting to see which adults got control of a situation and those that struggled - and what techniques help. There definitely needs to be an assertiveness. Children will challenge, but they NEED to know and have that security that the adult is in control of the situation and is not going to be too permissive.
And the person who was in best control did do some fairly harsh ‘telling off’, but was also incredibly kind and positive.

Yes. She's clearly in control you need to be much firmer

@CNN25
Do you think she is over tired? She might be playing up because she is exhausted?

I agree with others that cancelling a sleepover next week is too far away to be connected to her behaviour now.

Do you give her plenty of warning about when things will happen? Ours responded well to that when they were little. We had a definite routine in place too. I think at that age it would have been bath, watching something on CBBC & a story. Milk & biscuit or something like that. We wouldn’t have stayed in corner of the room.

It sounds like you are trying to be different to your parents. Maybe you were also quite a strong personality & it was how they dealt with it?

I haven’t seen anyone mention rewards but we used to do marbles reward jar at that age. So they built up enough to get a treat. We used to work out rewards together. It would be something like 10 - sweets from shop 20 - comic 30 - visit to Poundland 40 - museum visit & so on. Maybe you could bring in something similar. So during day she gets marbles for things like getting ready for school on time, doing her reading book, saying please & thank you, helping tidy up etc & then every time she shouts at you then a marble gets taken out.

I would also not reward her by reacting - act like you don’t really care. If she is getting a reaction then she could do it more. It needs to be nipped in the bud otherwise she will be a nightmare when she is 14!

There's a lack of consistency there, and it is giving her mixed messages.

Do the "Fed up of this now, see you in the morning" thing and put on headphones consistently for a month and see what happens. No more sitting in her room. She needs to know you mean business and are not to be swayed.

Also, try a sligtly earlier bedtime and cut off TV and other visually stimulating media in the evenings.

Half an hour earlier for getting off to bed might mean she's less wound up. If she dropped off after an hour of tantruming she was possibly overtired to begin with.

You need to sit her down in the morning and tell her name-calling is completely unacceptable. She needs to apologise.

Alternatively, an hour before bedtime tomorrow, give her a pep talk about expectations. There will be no tantrums. There will be no name-calling. There will be no screeching. She will get ready for bed peacefully, you will read together for 15 minutes. Then you will all say nighty night. Remind her when you start reading that your session will last 15 minutes/ two books. See how that goes.

Madness you’ve been letting your child dictate your bedtime. No wonder she thinks she rules the roost. Take control ffs.

Something that I would point out is the sanction is quite strong (fair enough) but days and days away, I think at this age sanctions need to be as instantaneous as possible, she's now got days to battle you over it and even if she is good then you've still got to follow through with the sanction for behaviour that happened days before.

Also, I follow someone called bratbusterparenting on Instagram and she's fab! Highly recommend!