Is our parenting technique too gentle?!

I agree with everyone saying you need boundaries and natural consequences, like walking away if she’s shouting abuse at you. Have you asked why she likes someone next door? Could she be afraid of the dark? Maybe she needs some reassurance during the day about bedtime and how if your downstairs you can still hear her to make sure she’s safe. Kids can develop strong fears at this age. Also, I saw a super nanny once where a boy kept getting out of bed and super nanny said be boring and consistent, every time they get out just take them back to bed, no fuss. After a million times of doing this he got the hint. It took a few nights of massive effort but eventually he learned if I get out of bed mum or dad is just going to take me back. This being said, I bed share with my children so I don’t oppose that. I feel kids are only little once and if they want a cuddle in the night and it’s not bothering anyone then why not.

Screaming for over an hour at six is pretty atypical in any child. How long have these behaviours been going on?

Either some very clear boundaries need to be established or she could be experiencing significant disregulation and you may need to explore the idea that she may be neurodivergent. You seem furious at the suggestion but girls are particularly good at masking and screaming for an hour and behaving like you describe would be a significant cause of concern.

It is not nice to hit other people because they are doing something we don't like.

Most people have that explained to them when they are two but you clearly missed it.

I would say though that behaviour is a communication and why is she getting so upset it sounds shes getting quite anxious about being upstairs alone?

Unless ND (even then same principles but more reminders, countdowns) then absolutely not acceptable for a child to be doing and get away with this. I have a friend who follows her DC around and asks 'hey hunny bunny, would you like to put on your PJs now, go to bed, have your dinner'.

Structure, routine, boundaries are needed. I'm talking as a parent and as a teacher with 30 years' experience.

Yes you are

Ignore the screaming and leave the room, let her scream. Always told my child when she was rude or inappropriate “thats unacceptable “ in a loud voice, and plentynof close eye contact,a tap on the hands or smacked bottom is a discipline that never harmed us, she,l run rings around younif you dont toughen up ❤️

Imo 6 is too young for nasty name calling. And it's always unacceptable to disrespect someone else in the house.

In the morning when she calm I'd explain why I wasn't happy with this name calling and that next time there will be a consequence. I'd explain what that was. And I'd stick to it.

Whingey because she's tired and indulged is one thing, nasty and rude I'd not tolerate

6!? She sounds awful. Whatever you’ve been doing(or not doing), sounds as though the damage is done

Anybody, and I mean everybody, who has to ask if they are being too gentle on the kids is without a shadow of a doubt being too gentle on them.

And as for the “internet horror stories” of strict parenting, well let’s just say I’d have not the slightest hesitation in putting a random kid of 20-30 years ago up against a random kid of today and seeing who’s the more kind, selfless and respectful.

I'm afraid your child sounds like she’s behaving like a spoilt brat. (Not all they time, they never are). It’s only going to get worse, the transform will be painful, but you need to stop her otherwise she’ll grow up to be an awful person who’s all “me, me, me”.

Is she neurotypical? I’m not that strict with my 5 and 6 year old but there is no way they would get away with calling me names. You cannot tolerate that behaviour. You need to set boundaries, I would say you are going to take something from her that she really enjoys for a day, and is she continues it becomes a longer period of time.
however from my limited experience of 2 with a similar age, I would say that shouting and calling you names and saying mean things isn’t normal behaviour for a child of that age. Try not to be too hard on yourself, could be other reasons for this behaviour. You need to delve a little deeper.

Children push boundaries and that is natural, but if you have no boundaries in place then this is the problem. They actually need this as they are unable to do things like reason and compromise. Therefore, a “do not speak like this to Mummy/Daddy” and explaining why this behaviour is not acceptable is a must, at the least. There’s no need for harsh tactics, but ‘gentle parenting’ does not help the child to regulate their emotions, or develop empathy.

Well done for at least questioning this; many parents wouldn’t, and being self aware is a necessity to parent! It’s very difficult to be objective but you’ve managed it. No doubt you’ll crack it :-)

I was never too bothered about being called mean mummy or horrid mummy. I think many young kids do that when they aren't getting their own way.

I took it as evidence that what I was saying or doing was getting through. So I would say stop worrying about that. My response was usually "you don't want to see how mean I can really get, so stop pushing me." Then I would leave them to their strop and it nearly always subsided within about 15 minutes.

Then we're on the same page though I would take care to avoid remote, arbitrary or disproportionate consequences.

Eg something like "I won't be in your room with you whilst you are calling me names and shouting. You need to stop now if you want me to stay with you"

A consequence which makes sense, happens immediately, is based in my boundaries of what I will / will not tolerate and can be reversed as soon as the unpleasant behaviour stops.

As opposed to

"That's it, no more puddings this week!"

Which is an arbitrary, deferred punishment that leaves the child nowhere to go with their behaviour.

Or

Shouting "how dare you be so rude to me you brat!"

Which is role modelling shouting and name calling to the child, as well as risking feelings of alienation and shame which may make the behaviour / relationship worse over time.

I didn’t think you meant abusive as in terrible language but more she uses the worst words she knows. Sample: my little brother would scream Willy bum fart as one word so willybumfart when he was especially furious at something as these were the strongest words he knew back then.

I’m guessing your daughter has cottoned on to the fact you feel lousy when she calls
you mean and says you’re a terrible mummy. I get it. The first time my daughter screamed that at me she was about 4 and I called my
best friend and cried. She’s a teenager now and eldest of 3. When I get called a horrible witch these days and the worst mum
ever it’s like water off a ducks back. Last week my son told me he was leaving home because I was so awful and I was like “do you promise?” 😈

Hold firm on your daughter missing her sleepover, she has to know you mean business. Maybe if she manages to turn things around over the next week (goes to bed with no fuss, doesn’t shout hurtful
things at anyone, doesn’t boss you around) she can earn that sleepover back for another date in the not too distant future?

Oh, but it’s “normal” for a child of 6 with SEN to scream abuse at their parents? 🙄 Get to fuck.

Great. Tell her that you will continue to do this for a week but next week you will sit on the landing. Then when she can deal with that you sit in your bedroom and when she can deal with that you will be downstairs.

I've not read this article but agree on authority. I just hosted a large group of over excited 9 year olds for a party. On occasions they got a bit too rowdy and I absolutely did some telling off! I won't tolerate unkindness to eachother, mind
less destruction of my house, not taking turns, and I was very firm when this happened. The kids who were misbehaving the most and could not cope with being told off where the ones who have the most 'gentle' parents. All lovely people who I've known a long time but their gentle parenting means their kids won't be invited to come and behave badly at my house again!

At times they have to be told off, you have to be firm with them, and you have to show them that their behaviour is unacceptable as this will happen for them eventually in the real world and they will struggle with it. You can do those things while acknowledging their feelings and making sure they know they are loved/secure.

If you dont get a grip now op what the hell is she gonna be like in her teens,
Not everyone will take her crap and someone will put her in her place.

It sounds like a complete bedtime routine reset might be useful.

If bedtimes are horrid for you, they're probably horrid for her too.

I think I'd ask her her thoughts, maybe after a family meal (so away from the bedtime tensions). Tell her you'd like to make bedtimes nicer for everyone and ask her how she feels about them and what she thinks could improve them. After listening, I'd tell her exactly what is going to happen going forwards (which you'll have thought up in advance, but including at least one of her ideas). But being very clear what will happen if her unkindness continues.

She might have some great ideas or share a problem she's not mentioned before. Giving her (a very small amount of) control over the new routine will help with her sticking to it. My kids always responded well to a new routine if we let them type up the 'agreed' new routine on our work computers (with fancy fonts/colours).

And I also second the suggestion of a yoto player... they've given us happier, calmer bedtimes for years!

No you haven't tried everything, you haven't tried growing a bloody backbone!

You're acting like you are frightened of her!

Take her to bed, story, cuddle and leave.

I call this firm but fair parenting

I would find this behaviour unacceptable for our 7 year old. She knows that regardless of how she's feeling, she cannot be rude, defiant or lash out physically.

I don't like the term, 'gentle parenting' as I think a lot of people use this to justify permissively parenting their children. I prefer the combination of responsive /authoritative parenting, where children have very clear expectations/boundaries for behaviour with consequences followed through. I do try to understand their behaviour in the context of how they are feeling, but I strongly feel that they should not be allowed always to justify bad behaviour based on how they are feeling. Would it be okay at work if I threw a tantrum because I was tired or hungry? No.

I have a duty to teach my children to behave in a world where one day they will be the responsible adults. They need to know that the expectation is that they will gradually, and in an age appropriate way, be able to talk about their needs and feelings without melting down/losing control.

Emotional regulation work with our daughter - e.g. getting her to notice when she's feeling stressed/overwhelmed and doing something to calm herself down before it escalates has helped. But no, this behaviour would not be acceptable to me.

'The mouse, the monster and me' is a good book to teach children of her age to speak and behave assertively. You may find the behaviour improves with firm boundaries from you but where she can meet her needs in a positive way, without behaving passively (e.g. whining) or aggressively (name calling etc).