Is our parenting technique too gentle?!

I recommend a book called 'when the parents change, everything changes'

She's still in charge when you're using the two techniques at the bottom.

You say you've tried consequences but have you actually done it fully? Consistently?

What I would do, and have done, albeit not about bedtime...
Both of you (mum and dad) sit on the sofa in the morning and sit her on the floor. Tell her that you are done with her behaviour so new rules are going to be in place. Write these rules down and have them stuck on the fridge where she can see them and do a copy for her room too.
Rules for (child's name)
Morning - write rules and consequences
Daytime - same as above
Bedtime - e.g. (child's name) bedtime is (the time you put her to bed, which, given her age should be between 6-8pm)
If (child's name) comes out of the room then (consequence) will happen - we took away tech, as in ALL tech, inc TV privileges
If (child's name) uses rude words then (consequence) will happen - you can do the same as above or a different punishment, although NEVER use removing food as a punishment e.g. no pudding and never use it as a positive thing either
If (child's name) - whatever else she does at bed time.

Then explain you are the parents and she is the child, she has no choice but to follow these rules. You will not be dictated to by a child. If she can stick to these rules for a week she will get (some small reward, like a trip to the park, nothing super special as these are expected behaviours just like brushing her teeth would be.

What time does she go to bed OP? Has it changed in the last year or so? Just thinking about the 'not tired' comment - I wonder if it's that she (rightly or wrongly) feels she should have a later bedtime. I can remember battling with my parents to stay up later around that age, because I didn't want the same bedtime as my younger cousins.

This is ridiculous,she's still controlling what you do so obviously your boundaries don't work.

It sounds as though because you are anxious about not replicating your relationship with your parents, that you want her to like you.

I think that's a mistake. You need to be the person in authority here. She will hate you while you make that change. But in the long run, she will benefit.

You are going to have to be a basic bitch to sort this out. Don't sit in her room, don't go to bed when she wants you to - explain all this in the day when she is receptive, say that the routine is changing and do not give in.

It's such a shame that you're not nearly as assertive with your DD.

So if my kids are yelling at us or each other or just being really unpleasant (& sometimes they are but not often) we would immediately point out that it’s not acceptable to talk to each other that way and if they keep doing it we will be going home if out/not going to whatever activities we had planned/they can spend some time in their room until they would like to interact pleasantly with the rest of us if we were just at home. If they don’t stop then whatever the consequence is we follow through on. We are always happy to hear them tell us what’s upsetting them and to try and help but not while they are shouting at us &/or each other about it. I think all people mean is that they enforce some clear & immediate consequence for that kind of behaviour.

So, you say she used to be fine about going to bed but that 'something has changed in the last few months.'

I pretty sure that what's changed is that she's become just old enough to realise that you, as her parents, aren't in charge of her or the situation. Consequently, she probably feels quite scared and that she's in free fall with no one to catch her.

Children thrive when they have firm boundaries and when their parents are calm, consistent and in charge of every situation. It makes the child feel safe and supported.

Your frankly silly parenting techniques have left me incredulous. Wearing earplugs to show you aren't listening to her? Like, seriously? Letting her dictate your bedtime? Actually standing there meekly whilst she tears a strip off you? WTAF?

The only plausible explanation is that you and your partner are very young yourselves? Otherwise, this is just madness!

You need to start being an adult and behaving like an adult. You are not your DD's friend, you are her Mother which is a completely different role with different responsibilities and duties. Do you not know that?

Physical violence from a fully grown adult to a child is NEVER OKAY. You want your kids to be terrified of you and to fuck them up? Use your words, not your body.

Honestly some of you are stuck in the 80s, and it wasn't okay then.

I was loving this post but you undid it all at "tan their bloody hides". I hope that's a joke.

I read your post earlier and didn’t comment but just saw this Instagram post that resonated with what you’d said.
I think you really need to get to the heart of why she’s finding bedtime so tough.

She is going to struggle socially unless you get on top of this as other people won't put up with that.

No future punishments at all. They are completely ineffective. Introduce consequences then and there when the behaviour occurs or don’t bother.

You sound like such a loving mother, honestly. And I’m sure it probably seems counterintuitive or overly tough but it will pay dividends.

I think children are quite straightforward really and being direct/setting out your expectations without ever having to threaten or cajole is the sweet spot. I’m far from the perfect parent and lose my shit sometimes but I think when kids know what’s expected/what’s ok and not ok then it comes quite naturally to them.

And six is an age when they’ll come downstairs/ask for water/ask you to check under their bed. But screaming and name calling is never ok. I think it’s a good idea to set out the plan before you go upstairs. We are having a bath, then ten minutes to do what she likes, then teeth, bedtime story, five minute chat and cuddles and night night. One of mine always used to ask what he will think of to help him get to sleep so have a store or topics, ie. Plan our next family trip, plan the best birthday cake ever, think of what you’ll do when you next see your best friend etc. Having a nice thought to focus on as she winds down always helps xx

Cancelling something three days away is not going to be effective. Form a clear plan, with her input, about what is acceptable. Make your bottom lines really clear. No name calling, no screaming, you leave the room x mins after the end of reading book. Other things can be negotiated, door open, nightlight, listening to story/music recording. Each time she completes bed time successfully she gets a sticker. When she has 2 stickers she gets (small reward). When she gets 5 stickers she gets a slightly bigger reward, 10 stickers, bigger reward. She never loses a sticker. If you wanted to you could break down the behaviour more - no screaming one sticker, no names one sticker etc. Essentially though it needs to be achievable but working up towards a larger reward but requiring more time of being good. It takes up to a month to get new behaviours in place.

I think it is not possible to be truly friends with your children at that age however as they get older and they show responsibility and earn your trust you will move towards a more adult relationship. If she knows the boundaries she will feel more secure. Being a parent is about slowly giving more freedom, keeping discussions open and then hopefully by late teens they know the boundaries. Over time you can start to relax the structure as they age and they have more agency in negotiating the boundaries while still recognising that ultimately we all have some responsibility to each other.

My daughter would do this kind of thing often, she is a bright articulate and sociable girl but has a terrible temper and seems to get a kick out of arguing. She's 6 too.

I didn't want to see it at first, but school have referred her for a ND assessment. There's a bunch of other symptoms too but this inability to regulate herself is a big part of it. She struggles with transitions and is very needy, RSD is a big issue and she hates any form of goodbye.

The arguing is dopamine seeking behaviour and there are various strategies that you can try, if that's also what's going on. What works for us is, we don't give her anything to react to, we effectively grey rock her until she runs out of steam. Sensory stuff like a weighted blanket, high pressure hug, chew toy, all of that helps.

Consequences for any truly egregious behaviour are handled later, because in the moment she's angry and dysregulated it is just like pouring petrol on a fire.

You mention screen time is limited already, I'd also look at exercise and outdoor time because whether ND or not, kids that are properly tired will kick off less and sleep better. Do try the weighted blanket too, it will help her getting to sleep.

This exactly. Take charge, she needs structure and boundaries. Thats how you love her and give her a safe and secure home.
you’ve bought the lie that only modelling kindness and gentleness teaches a child to be this way. Firm and strict can raise delightful, polite and caring kids too.

I agree. A punishment at a future time (like Tuesday) is meaningless to a six year old. They have no concept of time and it’s meaningless.

We are the same. And people always comment on my children’s manners. Being kind and respectful are non negotiable and have been from day dot. We owe it to our children and when these expectations are deeply ingrained from early on (combined with huge love, openness, affection and support) then it comes naturally to the child.

I’m not referring to you specifically @CNN25 but I know someone (who should know better) who is such a permissive mother that her parenting style is toxic. Her children are having increasing struggles at school and social interaction because they simply don’t understand why they can’t have their way all the time. And it’s a pity. They are lovely kids and she is a wonderful person but any kind of discipline seems to be her weak spot and her children simply don’t have any boundaries.

Not strict enough by far, sorry.

I have four and having been polled, none would describe me as super strict, in DSs words: 'We can argue with you but not like have a go or be rude.' I think he's pretty accurate tbh.

If they disagree and want to argue their pov then fine, I'll listen and if they make a good, valid point and they make it calmly, without kicking off, I'll consider changing my stance on it. If they're just mouthing off, well, they wouldn't. They know they'd lose all credibility and a significant amount of pocket money.

They've been brought up better than to call names, even the 5 year old and as for screaming at me, they wouldn't dare.

The level of disrespect you're describing, I'd tan their bloody hides for.

Your repercussions are of the type known to be ineffective, so I would alter those straight away. Punishments don’t won’t, taking away treats doesn’t work and consequences for the future dont work. Consequence for the behaviour gave to happen then and there for them to be able to connect them with the behaviour. In withdrawing a treat later you are only setting off another tantrum and making them dislike you more.