To move away from elderly parents?

You may discover that one day you have to put your parents in a home. They can become a danger to themselves (wandering, forgetting to turn off the stove causing fire, for example), or their health can deteriorate to the point they need the specialised care. Or your own health may not last as well as you expect and then you can't do lifting and turning and whatever care they may need when very frail.

No-one would want to put their parents in a home unless really necessary and beneficial to them. I used to idealise not doing it but, as I've matured and got older, I've realised that sometimes, it's a necessity.

The above post from carcassonne1 is inaccurate, deliberately divisive on grounds of nationality/ ethnic origin and, well, just ignorant. I have reported it.

What a rude^, and unpleasant generalisation.
^
Go over to the Elderly Parents board and see all those British people not looking after their families.

DH and I will always encourage our children to grab their opportunities and move wherever they want to, I can't imagine standing in their ways if they wanted to move three hours away when I'm elderly. I wouldn't be at all surprised if they live on a different continent tbh!

Both my late Mum and my in-laws encouraged us to do this, the only person who's made us feel guilty is my Dad, although he now acknowledges that even though I live abroad, I support him far more for him than many of his friends' adult children who live close by.

I hope that your parents are supportive and as @Lightuptheroom wisely says, make sure that they have plans for what they'll do when they need extra help. Thanks to technology, it's also far more possible to organize help from afar - I've liaised with Adult Social Care, organized a cleaner/light housekeeper for my Dad, set up online deliveries, etc.

Why don’t you see if your parents would like to move to a nice retirement home by the sea? They may be in a position where most of their friends have passed on and therefore have fewer reasons to stay?

It's not what I would do but I'm not British - where I come from, we tend to look after our elderly parents. It would never ever cross my mind to put my parent in a 'home'. But I know people here want to enjoy their lives...

That sounds quite smug actually. I'm an only child, I live over 200 miles from my hometown. My mother died with vascular dementia the Christmas before last and my father is currently in palliative care in the local hospital. It's a waiting game. The last few years have been very tough and I work full time. But on balance, wound I have made different decisions. Definitely not. Have I done everything I could? I think so. Sorting their needs and being all over everything is like a second job.

The "rational" answer is that you should do it. But rationality isn’t the only thing to consider. How close emotionally are you to your parents? If one of them were to die how would you feel about the one left on their own, perhaps themself not in good health? If both of them, or the remaining one, ended up having to go in a care home, would you want or feel obliged to sort out their house and visit them regularly? Three hours each way is not a journey you’d be likely to make very often. Might worry/ feelings of guilt, however irrational, spoil your new life? Sorry.

They lived their lives, it's time you live yours

It’s entirely your decision
It’s not one I would make but you are not me

Depends.. I wouldn’t move away from my DM, I’ll move in with her when/if the time comes. We both went through it with my dad, so I know how hard it is.
If you do go, they need to know that you won’t be around.

I'd also add that when they're gone, the world is a bleaker place than you could ever have imagined it being. Something that even a nice view of the sea can't cure.

@nampto , I guess that depends on what level of responsibility you feel towards your parents. You will not be too old if you wait but if that excuse helps you to do what you want for yourself then I won’t change your mind. Mumsnet is full of very selfish people who will tell you what you want to hear.

I don’t think that waiting around in limbo for them to die is conducive to a great retirement. One of them could live to 95+. You have to live your life and seize your opportunities, don’t martyr yourselves. Surely they wouldn’t want that.

I’m in a similar position to you. There’s no way I’d move away from my parents now. I owe them everything. I want to help them if and when they need help, and I want to spend time with them.

With parents in their 80s, you're footsteps away from some sort of crisis and once they start it's relentless. Just bear that in mind if you're moving that far away.

My Dad was living completely independently at 82 until cancer struck. The ensuing 5 months were beyond my worst nightmare, and Dad suddenly needed help 24/7 - physical and mental support, and advocating for his care needs. There's no way I could have managed that if I hadn't lived 6 miles from him. And there's no way that I would have let him take one step of his sad journey without being by his side.

Move. My dm lives near my dsis. Had my dsis not been there, she'd have gone into sheltered housing long ago. She'd probably have been happier there,

Statistically, it is highly likely that OP lives somewhere where they can get to the coast in less than 3 hours.

But yes! If they live in certain parts of the West Midlands then maybe there are no coastal areas within 3 hours.

I mean, chances are they don't but they might!

No I didn’t ‘pick the place most land locked in the whole country and assume OP lives there just to make a point?’

You said there must be nice coastal areas closer than three hours away. I am just pointing out that for some people there aren’t any coastal areas closer than three hours away.

I don’t know what you mean by ‘making a point’ though.

You've picked the place most land locked in the whole country and assumed OP lives there just to make a point?

Chances are OP doesn't live in the West Midlands.

I think if you’re in the West Midlands you’re three hours to the nearest coastline.

Move. Realistically, you could have moved decades ago, couldn’t you? You’ve all had these extra years living near each other.

YABU moving 3 hours away at their stage of life. There must surely be nice coastal areas closer than that?

Do it. Enjoy your retirement while your in good health.

Have a frank conversation with your parents and ask them what their long term care plans are.

You can always get them set up before you go. With carers, cleaners, shoppers, etc, get all the admin done.

Not unreasonable. Do it. Dont miss the opportunity.