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AIBU?

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Original poster

Always my sister…

93 replies

Pamalarrr · 05/04/2025 18:38

I need some perspective!

I don’t have a close relationship with my parents despite trying. For context, I am 1 of 3 - a sister and a brother.

Before having DD, I used to think my brother was in the wrong for hardly taking his boys to see our parents. He favoured his in laws and was always out and about with them. However, since having DD (6) I understand now.

Our mum always seems to favour our sister and her 2 girls. Whenever I tell her anything about DD, she will compare or provide a story about my sisters girls. She is always there for my sister. Will often provide childcare (sister also married) and will always be out and about with them. If I ever invite them anywhere there’s a million reasons why they can’t.

We invited them to DDs first nativity play. They said no as it was too early. The next day they were out early with my sister to watch the girls in a dance show.

Over the years my resentment has grown. I was hospitalised when pregnant with DD. I needed a scan at another hospital. DH was on his way home from Portugal. I asked if they could take me to the other hospital for the scan, but they said no as it was too far for them - the hospital is 25 mins from their house.

Sister and I both work for the NHS. Recently my sister (a nurse) was talking about the pay increase and neither of them could understand why I get paid more than my sister. I felt like a failure and my job didn’t mean anything.

My husband is up in Scotland this weekend for a family funeral and I had a security issue with the house. I asked if one of them would be able to pop over to help and have a look. My Dad flat out refused and my mum of course was out for the day with my sister.

DD cries when she has to visit as she doesn’t know them. There is little interest shown in her which I think she’s picked up on.

i don’t know if I’m just being super sensitive or unreasonable (?)but I feel so sad that I don’t feel I have a relationship with them.

OP posts:
CharlotteLightandDark · 06/04/2025 10:29

My parents are like this with my brother and his girls, talking to me about how great my nieces are, helping with endless childcare and favours, they even live with my parents now so they could rent their house out and save money.
My kids and my sisters kids never got half as much support and attention. I love my brother and we’re fairly close but he is the golden boy for sure

harriethoyle · 06/04/2025 10:19

Sounds like your MIL is supportive and has the measure of the situation - I’d invest in your relationship with her and drop the rope with your DM.

Pastit12 · 06/04/2025 10:18

It’s sad that things are the way they are but it doesn’t seem like your mum’s going to change and your dad just goes along with it probably to have a quiet life.
Like other posters have suggested can you foster a relationship with your brother and his children so your daughter does have cousins to play with.
What about your in-laws are they involved grandparents and does your husband have siblings who have children the same age as your daughter.

SedumRoof · 06/04/2025 10:15

Pamalarrr · 06/04/2025 09:52

Thank you. Will look up the book. Yes it’s the disappointment part and the comparison with other mother daughter relationships.

Show quote history

I think you’re idealising ‘other mother-daughter relationships’ (which are often far more difficult than what you describe). You have the one you have. Your mother has always preferred your sister. I get that this is painful, but you seem to be continually testing whether this is still true, and getting hurt all over again when it is. You’re only damaging yourself. I would have some therapy and work on accepting it. And don’t see every request for help of nativity play as a chance for redemption. Build your own ‘village’.

doodahdayy · 06/04/2025 10:14

It must be hurtful for you. But put in the same effort they have with you. None at all. Now you understand why your brother did this. You can’t change them

ThinWomansBrain · 06/04/2025 10:11

My mother always favoured my rapist brother - as an adult I was largely NC with both of them & let them get on with it.

Fretting about it & focussing on how unfair it is won't really benefit you.
Sounds as if you have a good relationship with in laws, and as a PP has suggested, focus and build on the relationship with your brother.
Let your sister handle all their cate needs when they're older..

Visun · 06/04/2025 10:03

Drop the rope OP. They will never change no matter how you try to get through to them. Never ask them for a thing, and likewise don't do anything out of your way for them. "The village" works both ways. Don't feel guilty in the slightest to redirect them to golden sister for any help required. Stop trying to include them. How are your in laws? If they are good, redirect your energy into nurturing that relationship.

Dramatic · 06/04/2025 10:01

I'm sorry op it's absolutely shit and there's no excuse for it on their part. We've had similar but to a lesser extent, DHs dad will constantly compare my daughter to her cousin who is a week younger; DD will do something and he will say "x did that last week" and then blab on about her for ages, not even acknowledging our daughter. DD is also not one for forced affection and he will constantly say things like "well x gives me a kiss whenever I ask for one" 🤢

Beancoffee · 06/04/2025 09:59

Pamalarrr · 06/04/2025 09:50

Ive matured and grown up a lot since then - talking nearly 20 years ago.

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Your daughter is 6

you said “before having DD” you thought your brother was wrong to…

Beancoffee · 06/04/2025 09:58

Pamalarrr · 06/04/2025 09:51

So you have anything constructive to share other than criticise me?

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My advice?

don’t judge people without talking to them

and don’t subject your DD to people that make her cry

Beancoffee · 06/04/2025 09:58

Pamalarrr · 06/04/2025 09:50

Ive matured and grown up a lot since then - talking nearly 20 years ago.

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How old is your daughter?

Original poster
Pamalarrr · 06/04/2025 09:52

multimillionaire · 06/04/2025 09:49

I am sorry you dont have the parents you deserve. I will never understand why parents do this- its so cruel.

My advice is: grieve the parents you wish you had and then drop all expectations from them because it is the expectation that they will suddenly do something different that causes this unending cycle of disappointment and feeling let down. They wont change and if you bring it up you'll be accused of jealousy and resentment.

Radical acceptance is the way to go here - let them fawn over your sister and her kids and then you can decide how you want to manage it. I personally would be distancing myself and not putting myself out for them ever again. Spend time with people who DO care about you and make sure to value your worth from within yourself and your family. Your parents unreasonable behaviour is their issue and it has nothing to do with your inherent value as a person or a parent. It's them, not you.

You cant fix them, you cant change them, so accept them for who they are now rather than wishing they would be different and adjust your life accordingly.

The let them theory by Mel Robbins is a great read for this principle.

Thank you. Will look up the book. Yes it’s the disappointment part and the comparison with other mother daughter relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pamalarrr · 06/04/2025 09:51

Beancoffee · 06/04/2025 09:46

And DD cries when she has to visit as she doesn’t know them. why subject you DD to this

all very odd

Show quote history

So you have anything constructive to share other than criticise me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pamalarrr · 06/04/2025 09:50

Beancoffee · 06/04/2025 09:49

I find it interesting you weee so quick to judge your brother for being in the wrong, rather than just… you know, having a chat with him about why

Ive matured and grown up a lot since then - talking nearly 20 years ago.

OP posts:
multimillionaire · 06/04/2025 09:49

I am sorry you dont have the parents you deserve. I will never understand why parents do this- its so cruel.

My advice is: grieve the parents you wish you had and then drop all expectations from them because it is the expectation that they will suddenly do something different that causes this unending cycle of disappointment and feeling let down. They wont change and if you bring it up you'll be accused of jealousy and resentment.

Radical acceptance is the way to go here - let them fawn over your sister and her kids and then you can decide how you want to manage it. I personally would be distancing myself and not putting myself out for them ever again. Spend time with people who DO care about you and make sure to value your worth from within yourself and your family. Your parents unreasonable behaviour is their issue and it has nothing to do with your inherent value as a person or a parent. It's them, not you.

You cant fix them, you cant change them, so accept them for who they are now rather than wishing they would be different and adjust your life accordingly.

The let them theory by Mel Robbins is a great read for this principle.

Beancoffee · 06/04/2025 09:49

I find it interesting you weee so quick to judge your brother for being in the wrong, rather than just… you know, having a chat with him about why

Swiftie1878 · 06/04/2025 09:47

If you have to beg someone to look out for and care for you, they just don’t.
Stop putting so much of your energy (physical and emotional) their way. Forge your own life with friends and people who really matter.

Beancoffee · 06/04/2025 09:46

Pleasegodgotosleep · 06/04/2025 09:45

Why do you keep going round and cooking for them then? They're not even your parents but you in-laws? Are they ill/infirm?

Even if they are if they can send £500 a month to someone they could pay for the services you're providing for free.

And DD cries when she has to visit as she doesn’t know them. why subject you DD to this

all very odd

Pleasegodgotosleep · 06/04/2025 09:45

Why do you keep going round and cooking for them then? They're not even your parents but you in-laws? Are they ill/infirm?

Even if they are if they can send £500 a month to someone they could pay for the services you're providing for free.

Beancoffee · 06/04/2025 09:42

I also found a message between my mum and sister to say the only reason I had invited both my mum and sister over (this was a few years ago) was because it was evident I couldn’t cope with DD

how did you “find” this message?

Beancoffee · 06/04/2025 09:41

Before having DD, I used to think my brother was in the wrong for hardly taking his boys to see our parents.

well that was judgey of you

Penguinmouse · 06/04/2025 09:40

I wouldn’t waste a second more energy on these people. They don’t respect you or your brother.

Original poster
Pamalarrr · 06/04/2025 09:35

*has a DD also 6

OP posts:
Original poster
Pamalarrr · 06/04/2025 09:34

Contentment1628 · 05/04/2025 23:24

I’ve had precisely the same situation. I had my DS quite late in life and was treated entirely different to how my siblings were. Siblings had unlimited childcare, financial support, indeed one DGC pretty much lives FT with my DM. If I asked for even an hour of childcare it would be refused. The excuse given is always that we are older parents and therefore should be established enough to not need family support.

The end result is that DH and I have distanced ourselves from parents and as a result our DS doesn’t have a huge relationship with them either. He never spends a night with them or goes on a day out with them or anything like that.

He starts school in September and we are having to juggle work commitments to arrange drop offs and pick ups. Our parents have made it clear that they won’t be helping as they’ve already done their bit with DGC. That’s true, it just happened not to apply to our DS for some reason. There is over a 15 year gap between our DS and their other DGC so I guess they think they’ve moved on from that phase of their life.

We just ignore it all now and sort ourselves out and have very little to do with them.

Sounds similar. DD never gets taken out for a day. When they did have her overnight a few months ago, I got a call at 7 saying I needed to pick her up as she wouldn’t settle. It’s very hard not having that “village.” School holidays we use holiday clubs and annual leave as it’s easier not to ask as there is always a problem. I really don’t get understand the distance when my mums mum used to have us over loads for sleepovers etc. I’m trying not to feel too upset by it.

I also found a message between my mum and sister to say the only reason I had invited both my mum and sister over (this was a few years ago) was because it was evident I couldn’t cope with DD. I called them out on that and the response was I had misinterpreted. Even my Dad, who usually says nothing, just shook his head at my mum.

I think what further compounds things is my sister had a DD who is the sane age as DD and her relationship with our parents couldn’t be more different.

of course you then start to wonder if you’re creating a problem over something you feel you’ve imagined or made up!

OP posts:
Contentment1628 · 05/04/2025 23:24

I’ve had precisely the same situation. I had my DS quite late in life and was treated entirely different to how my siblings were. Siblings had unlimited childcare, financial support, indeed one DGC pretty much lives FT with my DM. If I asked for even an hour of childcare it would be refused. The excuse given is always that we are older parents and therefore should be established enough to not need family support.

The end result is that DH and I have distanced ourselves from parents and as a result our DS doesn’t have a huge relationship with them either. He never spends a night with them or goes on a day out with them or anything like that.

He starts school in September and we are having to juggle work commitments to arrange drop offs and pick ups. Our parents have made it clear that they won’t be helping as they’ve already done their bit with DGC. That’s true, it just happened not to apply to our DS for some reason. There is over a 15 year gap between our DS and their other DGC so I guess they think they’ve moved on from that phase of their life.

We just ignore it all now and sort ourselves out and have very little to do with them.