Partner, adult daughter and wedding

And there will be no family of OP’s of any generation at the party?

Agree OP was put in a tough spot with the conversation – although always better to be diplomatic about other people’s families imo, even if the other person is complaining.

I can see the logic it taking the daughter - they’ll be her family forever, your relationship may or may not last the course. And if you’re working and can’t go anyway, is it worth getting het up about?

Well they’re her family at the wedding, right? A plus one doesn’t have to be a partner, it can be whoever. It’s up to him who goes.

I would just let it go.

She hasn’t come between, she’s been forced between! She was empathising with her DP on the call, that she thought was private, whilst he was complaining about her bad behaviour. What was she supposed to say?

also there will be no family present of DD’s generation at the wedding.

It wouldn't surprise me if she announced at the last minute that she wasn't going to the wedding, anyway.

She sounds flaky and entitled.

Am I the only one surprised that the invite was for DP plus one? Surely if they have been together for 3 years it would have been to DP & OP? Or if to DP & DSD.

Have you seen the invitation?

If none of the other cousins are there it may be awkward for bride and groom if one cousin there as it may not be obvious she is there as dad's plus one.

If you are working and unable to attend then fair enough to take dd but if you would like to go you should be going.

I'd be quite happy for him to take his daughter. It's his family and she'll probably enjoy it. I'm not particularly fussed about weddings so I'd be happy to skip it.

But I would have a think about what this relationship is going to be like going forward - I would imagine that his daughter not wanting to spend any time with you is going to throw up problems in the future 😕 family occasions are going to be difficult and he is inevitably going to have occasions where he feels stuck in the middle.

Sadly I agree that you were set up on the speakerphone, OP. Why the hell was DP complaining to you about his DD in front of her? He was actually being very rude to her, and her anger expressed to you may be largely displaced anger towards her father.

I also agree that whom to bring is DP’s choice. However it will look very odd if DD is the only member if her generation there and surely this was not the intent. Wanted family members generally receive their own invitations.

I agree that if he brings her a dam will be breached and she is likely to exclude you from as many family events as she can in the future. Only you know whether you are prepared to put up with this. I think the cost in self respect sounds too high.

You’ve come between a father and daughter. For whatever reason she’s probably not at all comfortable with your relationship, and your horrible and careless words are the catalyst for a huge divide.
I think you should walk away, honestly. He clearly cares very deeply about his daughter and she will never like now you so there’ll always be this uncomfortable element to his relationship with you and with her.
As for the wedding, he wants to go with his daughter and that’s fair. You’re not a married couple and have been together a few years, you’re not family.

So much tedious drama!?

I hope he’s worth it!

Excellent.

I think your relationship is doomed.
He's weak and is a poor parent.
He is unlikely to side with you, she is his child after all, and these issues will continue on a loop.

Not worth it.

"Or should I graciously stand aside on this occasion?"

It won't be just this occasion, though. If he takes her over you, it will be every get-together, holiday, birthday etc forever.

Nope your the stick in their relationship.
His money is the carrot.

I'll bet her higher level intetaction is more aimed to keep you out of the picture than to suddenly make him happy.

I would suspect that pushing you out of his family's "official" event is making sure you are not seen as his partner than a sudden need to have a family reunion after refusing to attend a Chtistmas event.

Hes not a 5 year old he knows how phone calls work and he set you up by putting you on speaker. He did not phone you to have you say that he was the asshole for expecting her to participate at a level he wanted ot that he needed to suck it up and you fully agreed with her choices? Did he?

Someone's wedding is an opportunity for you to manage your relationship issues.
Tbh if it's a family thing on this side they will probably be pleased to see the daughter (she doesn't sound like a nice person by the way).

Do you want to stay with him, OP?

Even if you and her were on the best of terms - I would in your place encourage him to go with her if that's what they both wanted. It's his and her family wedding - not your family wedding. I think the whole angst between you and his daughter is a red herring and you are seeing this wedding as some sort of competition between her and you who he picks. You haven't won a holiday - its his relative's wedding - would his relative prefer to have you or his daughter there?

On a bigger scale - you clearly have an issue with his relationship with his daughter and she is not going away. Only you can decide if you are either going to accept how they are together or you can't and need to walk away. He's in some sort of pick me dance between the two of you - ultimately he will pick his daughter and quite frankly I am guessing most people would expect a parent to pick their child. Understandably, this might not be what you want though so you might have to be prepared to walk away.

Don’t apologize. He created the break and he needs to heal it. Unless he does so—and creates a way for you both to save face and be heard—there is no point. If he brings it up as the “.root cause” of the problem jyst refuse to take the blame. “You and your dd will look everywhere to blame for her behavior except at the two of you. Don’t shoot the messenger. I simply named the behavior you were describing. Her hostility to me is the issue here. You are enabling her to hold a grudge. “

This schism in your relationship with his daughter is entirely his fault. He put you on speakerphone because he is sick of her attitude but doesn’t have the balls to call it what it is - spoilt and entitled - but knew you’d probably name it for him, and you did.

He made sure she’d be within earshot and didn’t give a shit about the impact of that on your relationship with her, or any thought to the future implications of a falling out - which is why you’re all now having to deal with this stupid nonsense.

It’s all on him - a weak, spineless man who’d rather throw a bomb into the relationship between the two most important women in his life, than actually use his words and be a bloody parent for once.

He sounds pathetic and a bit of a dick, quite honestly. No wonder his sisters are happy he’s with you. Maybe ditch him and keep in touch with them?

youre not saving face op, you’re saving your dhs face. Tell his sisters the truth. And tell him it’s up to him but how you feel about his decision is up to you.

Not great he had you on speakerphone. Have you actually apologised for that incident and talked to her about it yourself? I’d say his family wedding makes sense to take her and you said you’re working anyway. But both him and you need to try and agree how to handle her as not being in the same room ever over one comment seems unrealistic.

Its a wedding on her side—why didn’t she get the invite?

I’d completely distance myself from her. Hell truly is other people’s spoilt kids , even as adults. Believe me.