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Original poster

Partner, adult daughter and wedding

142 replies

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 12:39

My DP and I have been together for just over 3 years. Both have adult children. Mine are late 20s and fully accepting of the relationship. His is final year uni, age 22.
Our parenting styles are very different: my kids know they’re loved and supported but were brought up with boundaries and limits. His daughter is somewhat indulged and had (still has) a privileged lifestyle. My DP had her late in life and she is, understandably, the apple of his eye, and has been brought up to pretty much have what she wants.
There is a family wedding coming up soon on my DP’s side to which he has been invited along with a plus one. He has suggested to me that he takes his DD rather than me. This is because she no longer talks to me having overheard me describe her behaviour as spoilt and madam-like (she didn’t come to his 60th birthday celebration due to having a friend’s 21st party on the same day and when he suggested celebrating his birthday the following weekend she said she couldn’t as she was going skiing - paid for by him. He then took her away to celebrate his birthday on a subsequent weekend and whilst away, he rang me upset to say they’d argued as she’d called him useless. He expressed his frustration with her, at her sleeping in the car or being on her phone and expecting him to drive her around, navigate, research and book places to visit etc. This is when she overheard me saying about her behaviour being spoilt.) I did not know he had me on speaker. She overheard the whole conversation ie his frustration at her too but understandably was very hurt by my words.
At Christmas just gone, she refused to go to an extended family party on his side as I was going (not Christmas itself, a few days after - he saw her on Christmas Eve and Day and took her to the theatre before Christmas. She was upset that when she said she wouldn’t go if I went, that he chose to take me to the party over her (he wanted us both to go).
He has now suggested he take her as his plus one to the wedding to make up for her missing the Christmas family party.
I feel very hurt that he has suggested this as I feel she could’ve joined us at Christmas. No other cousins are invited to the wedding ie only people of DP and my generation.
However, I do understand that my words were hurtful to her and that it is hard for her to see me with her dad after that. She is used to him spending time just with her (which he does a lot anyway) but has told him she wants to see the extended family without me there. She feels like the third wheel apparently.
I don’t know how to react?
AIBU to think he should stand up to her and say no, Macaroni is my partner, she comes to the wedding?
Or should I graciously stand aside on this occasion?

OP posts:
paddlinglikecrazy · 06/04/2025 17:34

The posters saying he should take her as his plus one because it’s her side of the family are confusing me. She’s an adult, if I wanted to invite an adult to my event I would invite them, not their parent who has a partner.
If I got an invite for a plus one I’d take my partner not my kid.

jeaux90 · 06/04/2025 14:37

You have played this wrong OP. Instead of whining about her behaviour you should be blaming his. He has created this and he has to learn to resolve it. I’d expect my partner to challenge me on my parenting rather than an adolescent that is a product of it.

he needs to sort this shit out.

Frugalgal · 06/04/2025 14:25

He sounds a bit pathetic, ringing you up to complain about her instead of dealing with her like a parent, and on speakerphone in her hearing to boot, where anything supportive you said to him would have annoyed her.

She sounds like an insufferable brat who will continue in that vein in her adulthood.

If I were you I would offer an olive branch and a reset, which, if she is too spoilt to accept, I would then consider whether I wanted to continue the relationship with her father

JillMW · 06/04/2025 14:02

I wonder if he is thinking of breaking up with you. Not many men would be happy about a partner criticising the way they brought their child up and extolling the virtues of their own darling children.

Original poster
Macaroni46 · 06/04/2025 14:00

CosyLemur · 06/04/2025 13:30

His siblings partners probably don't make them choose between their children or them!
You partner is being the perfect parent as soon as you've made it me or her, he's quite rightly chosen his daughter!

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How did I make it me or her? I presumed he was taking me as his plus one. I didn’t say, I won’t go if she goes or anything like that.
And his siblings are choosing their partners and not bringing their children. I expect my partner to do the same in this situation.

OP posts:
Snoken · 06/04/2025 13:44

I don't think I could forgive someone calling my child a spoilt madam and I definitely couldn't forgive one of my parents partners calling me that. I'm surprised that the boyfriend seems to not have a problem with it.

He should be on his DDs side and not bitch about her to you. I can only imagine that there has been a lot of friction between them when she was growing up and that is the cause of her calling him useless but you are obviously only hearing your boyfriends side of the story. It just screams resentment from her side.

KmcK87 · 06/04/2025 13:31

Nn9011 · 05/04/2025 18:48

Because it's her family that's getting married not yours? It's seems very entitled. You're also creating a situation where you are making him choose between the two of you which never ends well for anyone

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And if her family wanted her there she would have had her own invite. She doesn’t, they will more than likely be expecting OP to be the plus 1 rather than the daughter. It’s really not entitled to expect to be your partners plus 1

CosyLemur · 06/04/2025 13:30

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 18:55

So why are his siblings bringing their partners and not their children? She will be the only one there of her generation, other than the bride and her brother.
I’m making a fuss because I feel disrespected by him, that he’s not treating me as a partner, more of toy to be played with when it suits.

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His siblings partners probably don't make them choose between their children or them!
You partner is being the perfect parent as soon as you've made it me or her, he's quite rightly chosen his daughter!

Botanybaby · 06/04/2025 13:26

Your hubby needs to cut his bratty bitch or a daughter off or she will never change

CosyLemur · 06/04/2025 13:24

You sound like an unbearable brat tbh!
Falling asleep in car and expecting the driver to navigate is pretty normal tbh and not spoilt behaviour at all.
You don't like sharing your DP with his daughter do you?
If my partners kids said they weren't going to family function if I went - I wouldn't go.

AprilShowers25 · 06/04/2025 10:33

I agree it’s inappropriate for him to take his DD when other cousins are not invited, it could cause a lot of bad feeling and awkwardness with the rest of his family at the wedding. That’s not your problem though, let him crack on.

The big issue is how his relationship with his daughter will affect you in future, I think it would probably be over for me.

Codlingmoths · 06/04/2025 08:54

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 14:11

I haven’t apologised for the comment as I haven’t seen her since she overheard - which is over a year ago now. I feel it’s not an appropriate thing to do over text plus there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to apologise - I stand by what I said: her behaviour was spoilt on that occasion. Interestingly, on subsequent trips away with his daughter, she’s been far more proactive and involved! So maybe she recognises at some level that what I said was true.

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So he got you on speakerphone in front of her, gets you to do the parenting he is too pathetic to do, and so his daughter is nicer to him and he punishes you for it by deprioritising you as his partner. Wow. Thats some selfish fuckery.

BlueMum16 · 06/04/2025 08:51

Macaroni46 · 05/04/2025 18:55

So why are his siblings bringing their partners and not their children? She will be the only one there of her generation, other than the bride and her brother.
I’m making a fuss because I feel disrespected by him, that he’s not treating me as a partner, more of toy to be played with when it suits.

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Do you live with DP?

What did the invite say?

If you are not living together and it's a plus one invite I wouldn't go. If you are living together then I think he should ask you first.

Piffle11 · 06/04/2025 08:50

She then shouted at him and called him useless. Which is why he got upset and called me.

Does he do this often, OP? Because the problem with this is that you remember all these times that he’s upset because of what she has said m/done, but he won’t. So your opinion of her will start to be skewed toward believing she is entitled, spoiled, etc …. And to him, she’s his amazing daughter and the bad stuff is forgotten about. and that’s never going to change.

Greenfinch7 · 06/04/2025 08:46

BoundaryGirl3939 · 05/04/2025 23:09

You should have called her and apologised to her when she overheard you making those comments. That's extremely hurtful. Being the older one, I'm surprised you didn't. A year has gone by and you have made no effort to make amends. You should be the bigger person.

I agree with this. I would feel terrible and not be able to rest until I had sorted things out with her. I would write her a long and very thoughtful snail mail letter, explaining everything, starting with how much I like her and care for her, and including thoughts on why her dad did what he did.

Isthisreasonable · 06/04/2025 08:46

EnjoythemoneyJane · 05/04/2025 13:54

This schism in your relationship with his daughter is entirely his fault. He put you on speakerphone because he is sick of her attitude but doesn’t have the balls to call it what it is - spoilt and entitled - but knew you’d probably name it for him, and you did.

He made sure she’d be within earshot and didn’t give a shit about the impact of that on your relationship with her, or any thought to the future implications of a falling out - which is why you’re all now having to deal with this stupid nonsense.

It’s all on him - a weak, spineless man who’d rather throw a bomb into the relationship between the two most important women in his life, than actually use his words and be a bloody parent for once.

He sounds pathetic and a bit of a dick, quite honestly. No wonder his sisters are happy he’s with you. Maybe ditch him and keep in touch with them?

Edited
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This 💯

Streaaa · 06/04/2025 08:46

Well now you know.
You are a useful toy to him.
A listening ear while he whines about things.
He caused this upset between you and now he has the two of you in competition with each other.
What a ego boost for him.
She is 21 and maybe a bit thoughtless.
You are obviously a lot older and need to up your standards.
We teach people how to treat us, yet you are accepting poor treatment from him.

Time to decide what you want from a relationship.

Don't be a convenient therapist toy for any man.

XWKD · 06/04/2025 08:43

It's inappropriate to bring his daughter to a wedding when cousins weren't invited.

londongirl12 · 06/04/2025 08:41

You don’t need to save face to his sisters, tell them straight why you aren’t going.

EG94 · 06/04/2025 08:29

She didn’t like hearing it because it’s the truth.

wedding on his side, she should have her invite and you should be his plus one. Working or not id be making it clear that you appreciate she is an important part of his life and you encourage her to be in it but not at the exclusion of you. If he decides the plus one invite, designed for partners is to be given to his daughter that will be your confirmation that your place in his life is not valued or respected and you do not wish to compete with his daughter when you should be able to coexist at events such as these without a drama and as such you will remove yourself from the “competition” his daughter is competing in. Wish him a nice and pleasant life, graciously move on.

Newgirls · 06/04/2025 08:22

The bride and groom parents prob invited their siblings. I doubt the b and g will be bothered who is the plus one. Will prob prefer their age group rather than uncles newish partner. Daughter might be the only cousin but there will be loads of people there her age presumably the couples friends.

RedHelenB · 05/04/2025 23:54

Criticising a partners dc will never end well.

JustSawJohnny · 05/04/2025 23:47

I mean, him taking her is just him pandering to her tantrums, which sounds like par for the course at this point.

She does sound like a little madam and she treats her Dad really poorly, which must be difficult for you to witness, especially as he does so much for her.

I think she needs to understand that, and I think he needs to understand that his pandering to his DD has created a bit of a monster and if he wants more respect from her, he needs to make changes.

Tbrh · 05/04/2025 23:27

ARichtGoodDram · 05/04/2025 20:24

It’s often just a numbers thing.

Probably so, but in many families one cousin going when none are invited would cause bad feeling.

Given her father has a partner of 3 years u bet it hadn't even occurred to the couple that he may take his DD as his +1

I think it's a numbers thing, and they weren't bothered who came or she would've been named on the invite. Not necessarily a personal thing, just that they'd be happy with whoever DH wanted to bring.

Tbrh · 05/04/2025 23:19

ConnieSlow · 05/04/2025 13:05

That’s her family too so I think it would trump you going. He’s not going to change and I don’t think you get too involved. You’ve been together only 3 years so just on the scene. He’s been a parent to her for far longer so I’m not sure what you are wanting to change. When he starts complaining to you telll him you are not interested and just refuse to get involved.
everyone is old enough to keep things separate so in this instance, she is family before you so I think it’s right that she goes instead of you.

I agree with this. I also don't see the point in your criticising her, she's grown and unlikely unlikely change her behaviour and you're just creating conflict. It was rude you didn't apologise about what you said, I think you're going about this the wrong way.

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