Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

I find it a very interesting thread, highlighting the sort of dilemma faced by many people trying to balance their own interests with their desire not to insult or unnecessarily upset others. OP has already said which advice she intends to take.

I know which of you sounds like a more pleasant human being.

In seriousness though I’ve had this. I said to the person that I needed to explain in advance I would not want to socialise, because I needed the time to recharge. I set out what would happen: ‘If you knock I will feel harried and not answer, so I’d rather you didn’t… I like you and it would be fun to bump into you at the festival, but I view the campsite as a home I want to return to alone.’

I suspect if you say you want to spend time on your own, she'll smile and agree but then just keep 'popping over' to your van all the same. If I were you, I'd book a different campsite.

I can easily imagine having ended up in this situation myself. You sound so lovely and helpful. I think your plan to have a conversation with her before you go is the right idea. I’d have worked out very carefully in advance what I want to say. I’d advise against getting your colleague to say something too though. No matter how casual they try to make it seem, there’s a risk it could sound like you’d been talking about this woman behind her back and that could cause drama.

I haven’t read the 600 odd posts op but just came on to say you sound like a really nice person and the idea of a week away in a van at a literary festival is bliss to me!

The wet lettuce comment was rude and unnecessary but you always get people who aren’t intelligent enough to form an opinion without being nasty on AIBU. I also can totally see why it’s awkward to have that conversation with a colleague. It’s not like friends or family, you need to almost retain that professionally civility and that’s why you don’t feel able to be frank with her.

My advice would be the same as pp. If she comes knocking just tell her you’re busy, fake a phone call, say you’re going for a nap but you’ll happily meet her for a coffee later/tomorrow whatever.

Last year she was new to the festival and clearly unprepared. You did a nice thing by looking after her and her dd. This year she has a much better idea about the requirements needed to comfortably camp for a week and if she fails to meet them then she really has nobody to blame but herself so please don’t take it as your responsibility to look after them.

I stayed in an ok campsite near Hay at a place called Three Cocks. No, really.

OFGS

What a pointless thread

Just go and take the consequences because you're not going to take anyone's advice

You're being a pushover

Own it

It's got absolutely NOTHING to do with feminism!!

Crikey!

Yes indeed, how could it be helpful to call someone a wet lettuce?

I simply read your description of your experience and took you seriously:

I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

Then in successive posts you have made pleasant excuses for this behaviour.
And you are hesitant and nervous about speaking up now. So long as you view this as a "lonely" struggling "single mum" (who coincidentally cannot pick up a single social cue and hasn't heard of actually asking for a favour, just assumes she can have her night out on your dime, and ditto provides no food) you will remain ineffective in achieving your preferred way of holidaying.

It's nice you have empathy for her. Where was her empathy for and consideration of you last year? Even announcing it as a done deal this year shows zero care for you, and the obvious fact she is infringing on your thing.

These posts annoy me a little bit. The constant annoying situation where someone has overstepped and the OP is looking for guidance because it’s distressing for them.

They want people to read their minds and telepathically act less annoying.

Take some responsibility and control as an adult and say no.

It’s very very very simple. There doesn’t need to be a play by play do rhe situation. A very simple ‘great to see you. I can’t hang out like last year as I have planned a week by myself and need to have this time alone. I’m sure you understand’ and leave it at that. Done.

Agree totally with above, but at the end of the day you will have to be firm, or it will become a form of bullying, which isn’t right.
Then enjoy your brake.

Good luck with the chat. Hopefully she isn't thick skinned and doesn't bother you at Hay.

@Craquedechevalier

@pictoosh is spot on with this post. I don't believe any of the posters saying you should tell her to Fuck off or similar, would do any such thing themselves, in real life. At least I hope not.

Some good advice on here as to how to tell your colleague nicely but very firmly, what you can say to her though. I hope it goes well, and you have a lovely, peaceful week

You sound like a lovely person op. Good luck with the conversation.

If you couldn't manage to convey that you prefer a solo holiday last year, I very much doubt you will do so prior to or during this year's hell-iday.

She's not just a cheery person. She's an imposing boundary invader, who no doubt has grasped you are a wet lettuce. Hence all the assumptions, demands and expectations, and the night out with your baby sitting services organised prior to asking you if you wouldn't mind.

An idea : Tell your colleague you will be using your free time during the event to take a much needed course/qualification. If they knock on your van door, open the door with an iPad in hand while wearing headphones and gesticulate 'this isn't a good time - I'm in the middle of a zoom/learning session. You can actually be reading your Kindle :-)
Make it quite clear before the event your will be needing and are looking forward to finally being able to complete this qualification/course/language learning.
Good luck :-)

While I agree that telling colleagues to fuck off is a bad idea, a few thoughts:

• Feminism is the belief in and advocacy for gender equality, particularly in terms of social, political, and economic rights for women. It has nothing to do with being ‘nice’ or allowing other women to take advantage of you.
• Nothing you’ve said about this woman would indicate that she’s lonely. She clearly thinks you are the lonely one.
• The running theme in a lot of your comments seems to be that you think asserting yourself and your boundaries is somehow selfish or cruel or unkind. You’ve used emotive language like ‘shivering child’ and ‘lonely woman’. You’ve come up with a plan that involves another colleague dropping hints.
• In reality, it’s very simple. You’re entitled to want time to yourself - there’s nothing untoward or unkind about it. You say ‘no, I’d rather be on my own’ and are direct about it…and she goes about her business. She’ll be fine. Her child will be fine. You’ll have done nothing wrong and nothing terrible will happen.

They were camping at a festival, not hiking in the arctic, if she's not equipped for camping/the weather then she needs a rethink

But if she bit off more than she could chew last year, why has she booked to go camping at Hay again this year?

If you want to avoid a repeat performance of last year you do need to address this head on.

Even say something like this, "Agnes, I just wanted to have a chat to you about the camping in Hay to make sure we're on the same page. I was quite surprised to learn that you are planning to do the same thing again this year because it seemed to me like you were struggling a bit with the reality of camping last year. I helped you out by letting you shelter in my van and making you hot chocolate and the odd meal because you both looked a bit cold and wet and I felt sorry for you. But it did come at the expense of my much needed down time. It's great that you liked camping enough to want to go again, but this year I really do need to get away from it all so I just wanted to make sure that this year you're planning to be a bit more independent and will be able to sort out your own meals and hot drinks etc even if the weather isn't great. I don't know if perhaps you thought I was lonely and would welcome some company, but honestly nothing could be further from the truth. I have a very busy life 51 weeks a year and my trip to Hay each year is my little treat to myself. It's where I go to have some alone time, recharge my batteries and read my book in peace, away from family life and other people. I didn't really get that last year because we hung out every day, and honestly, it was too much for me. I have nothing against you and your daughter, but this year I want to make sure that if it's cold or wet I'm not going to hear a knock on my door every time I happen to be in there."

You're not friends, you're acquaintances who happen to work together. So a slightly awkward conversation well in advance of Hay seems like a small price to pay to save your holiday. Because it seems pretty clear that if you don't say anything there will be a repeat performance of last year, and you still won't feel able to look at her and her daughter's hopeful faces and say, "No hot chocolate today, I'm really enjoying chapter 37 of my book."

Ugh, I’d hate this! You’re an introvert, she’s an extrovert, and unfortunately you need to be VERY clear about boundaries when it comes to extroverts 😂