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Original poster

Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

843 replies

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:39

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

OP posts:
jellyfishperiwinkle · 07/04/2025 15:36

Streaaa · 07/04/2025 15:18

All these suggestions to meet for lunch or coffee?
Like why?
OP doesn't have coffee with her in work, why would she do it on holidays.
I just don't get it.

I kind of assumed they were friends as well as colleagues from the OP. I assumed no-one would spend that much time with or babysit for someone who was only an acquaintance.

Streaaa · 07/04/2025 15:18

All these suggestions to meet for lunch or coffee?
Like why?
OP doesn't have coffee with her in work, why would she do it on holidays.
I just don't get it.

Streaaa · 07/04/2025 15:16

I would think a good friend saying sorry but this is MY time, perfectly acceptable.
That a colleague you are not friendly with would be so entitled as to presume she and her child can impose on you, is extraordinary.

rosesandbees · 07/04/2025 15:13

Very difficult situation. Hope you manage to have the conversation. Setting some boundaries sounds key:
-I purposely go to this festival on my own, have chosen to do so for more than 10 years.
-I like to spend time on my own to read, recuperate, recharge.
-Let’s have breakfast/supper/lunch together on this day the rest of the week I would like to be on my own.
-I am not available for babysitting duties.
-Have you thought about the glamping options so you can stay warm and dry as I will not be able to host you this year.
-Please don’t just appear at my door without prior arrangement as I might be reading, sleeping or not want to be disturbed.

Failing all that install some net curtains in your van so they can’t see if you are there but you can still have daylight if you are there!

Masses of luck with the conversation and I hope you have a wonderful week when you go.

TicTac80 · 07/04/2025 15:00

I've read all your posts OP, and am glad that you'll have a quiet word with her. I see the dilemma: it's hard to turn people away when they're not prepared for the weather (I'm a seasoned camper and it's no bloody joke camping when it's cold/wet/windy and you don't have the right gear), but also shit when your own time is encroached upon. I totally understand the need for solitude and peace (I'm the same)! Hopefully your colleague will prepare better for camping this year and will be more confident. Normally, it takes a trip to figure it out!!

Also, after reading your posts, I also looked up the Hay Festival (looks amazing!). I have just bought my first camper van (I'm future proofing for when I'm too old to be able to put up my giant tent!). Once the van is done up and sorted, I think I'll look at doing this festival next year (maybe with my DC - I'm a single mum - or maybe with some of my female friends). I'm sticking to local (SE) stuff this year whilst I get van sorted.

jellyfishperiwinkle · 07/04/2025 15:00

I wouldn't tell her to fuck off, now, but I don't think I'd be able to hide that I was not happy with her booking it again. Nor should you. I'd say "I'm surprised you booked it again after last year! I'll be busy volunteering so won't see you much but perhaps we could meet up for lunch one day?"

Vanishedwillow · 07/04/2025 14:48

Craquedechevalier · 07/04/2025 13:25

Thank you for this. I posted in annoyance on Saturday, seeing only the negative side of things. Some of the responses have been so insane and so wide of the mark they pinged me back to a more measured reality.

I think I said on the first page or two that I fully intended to talk to my colleague about this, so it's quite bizarre to be accused on page 27 of refusing to confront the situation... Hey-ho. I am now actually going to leave this thread. It's a glorious day and I'm taking the dog for a lovely long walk.

If anyone here ends up in Hay as a result of this thread I wish you a good time. It's a very comfortable and civilised place for women to gather, together and on their own. There are great art galleries and antiques places as well as good pubs, restaurants, cafes and bookshops in the town and all in all it's a beautiful place to spend a few days in early summer, with friends or on your own. Do go it it appeals.

Good luck! Please let us know how the chat goes - hopefully your colleague will be fully understanding.
Have a brilliant time!

WoollyRosebud · 07/04/2025 14:22

As someone who has done a lot of volunteering at events both as a volunteer and supervising teams of people I know how exhausted I feel after each session has finished. OP, I really hope you are able to speak to your colleague and help her understand your need for solitude when 'off duty'. I hope you will come back to this thread and update us all after Hay and by that I mean tell us how the volunteering went, how many books you read and whether you met any interesting authors.

Norisca · 07/04/2025 14:16

OP you said you didn’t invite her in but if someone turns up at your door and you don’t stop them coming in, then if they are presumptious they will take that as an invitation. I would practise how you are going to handle the situation in advance. I would suggest standing in front of the doorway exchanging a few pleasantries and then saying you’ve got to get back to [your book, your work, your dinner etc] and hope they enjoy the rest of the day. If she asks to come in for something then prepare how you will deal with that. I would recommend not letting them in at all unless you’ve decided on that occasion to actually spend time with them because it will be hard to get them out again!

It’s good you are addressing the situation in advance because she may well be expecting to lean on you for resources which in practice also means your time and you are obviously a caring person so you don’t want to see her or her DS uncomfortable so they need to know in advance they won’t be able to rely on you.

WhatsMyBabysnameAmanda · 07/04/2025 14:04

whathaveiforgotten · 05/04/2025 11:57

Would you feel comfortable sending a message along these lines?

”To be honest I desperately need a break and some me time and I’m really looking forward to getting that at the festival so I won’t be being sociable with anyone other than a very quick coffee once or twice I’m afraid! Have fun with DD though, I know you’ll both have a lovely time!”

This is perfect

Dexysmidnightstroller · 07/04/2025 13:52

Maybe spread some books on your table, and a laptop, and just say “sorry, busy” and leave it at that.

godmum56 · 07/04/2025 13:49

Silvers11 · 07/04/2025 10:21

@Craquedechevalier

@pictoosh is spot on with this post. I don't believe any of the posters saying you should tell her to Fuck off or similar, would do any such thing themselves, in real life. At least I hope not.

Some good advice on here as to how to tell your colleague nicely but very firmly, what you can say to her though. I hope it goes well, and you have a lovely, peaceful week

Show quote history

well no I wouldn't unless absolutely driven to it, but I wouldn't have put myself in that position in the first place! and also this
OP, you’re the one who painted this woman as a cheeky fucker. What else did you mean when you said things like below? The language you use to describe her is not that of someone sympathising with ‘a young woman rather bravely decided to take her child camping to a festival on her own’.
She would ‘eye up my toast or cereal and only leave when I had to go off on volunteering duty.’
Or ‘the child would ask for some juice or squash... And then back again around 6pm.’
And ‘I'd be prepping dinner and 'help' me while they had a cup of hot chocolate. And when I'm just cooking pasta and throwing in some sauce, and there's a hungry little girl watching and her mum doesn't appear to have plans for their dinner...’

I do wonder a bit if the OP doesn't want to see herself as a sucker so has reframed the narrative? Her OP doesn't describe a rather brave single mother.

Reallyneedsaholiday · 07/04/2025 13:44

Tell her that it’s great she’s invested in better camping equipment, because that way you can enjoy your own space without feeling rude about asking them to leave.

Bunny65 · 07/04/2025 13:26

It’s a really fascinating dilemma, that’s why it’s caught on. I think we can all relate to it in some way, either as the put upon or the one putting upon. And I’ve definitely met the “cheery” type before. Hopefully the single mum will respond well to a kind forewarning. The babysitting request after she’s already bought a ticket would harden my heart. And if she can afford to take a chance like that she can afford a token of thanks. Hopefully the weather will be good this year.

Original poster
Craquedechevalier · 07/04/2025 13:25

Thank you for this. I posted in annoyance on Saturday, seeing only the negative side of things. Some of the responses have been so insane and so wide of the mark they pinged me back to a more measured reality.

I think I said on the first page or two that I fully intended to talk to my colleague about this, so it's quite bizarre to be accused on page 27 of refusing to confront the situation... Hey-ho. I am now actually going to leave this thread. It's a glorious day and I'm taking the dog for a lovely long walk.

If anyone here ends up in Hay as a result of this thread I wish you a good time. It's a very comfortable and civilised place for women to gather, together and on their own. There are great art galleries and antiques places as well as good pubs, restaurants, cafes and bookshops in the town and all in all it's a beautiful place to spend a few days in early summer, with friends or on your own. Do go it it appeals.

OP posts:
Haveapotato · 07/04/2025 13:14

@Craquedechevalier just so you know this has made it onto my FB feed - never seen that with mumsnet before but it appears they have a page (which I don't follow) and some posts are featured on there. So it's potentially a bit more public

Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...
AlphaRadiationIsHeliumNuclei · 07/04/2025 13:10

That's quite some back tracking you've done there OP!

MarkWithaC · 07/04/2025 12:44

UnderTheCover · 07/04/2025 12:37

Gosh OP, you have the patience of a saint with to deal with some of these posts. Unfortunately what you need is the resolve of a soldier 🤣. There's nothing bad or cheeky about this mum and her daughter. But similarly there's nothing selfish about your plans for your time away - you are already doing volunteering work at the festival after all. This mum's travails as a single mum are not your problem to solve, despite your kind and generous nature. Wish her well but be kind to yourself too - protect your precious time. Tell her the truth - it's nothing against her or your daughter but you treasure your time away from family. Good luck and enjoy your break.

There's nothing bad or cheeky about this mum and her daughter.
Seriously? Turns up at unsociable hours or around mealtimes, lets her child ask for drinks, eyes up the food until the OP feels guilted into cooking for them, never contributes as much as a grocery shop or a takeaway, asks the OP to look after her daughter as a fait accompli for something she's already bought a ticket for…

Would you do things like that? Do you think they're not 'bad' or 'cheeky' things to do?

FreddysFingers · 07/04/2025 12:43

It's beyond rude to just turn up and expect to sit in the van with you all the time - and the babysitting is an absolute liberty! I think you will have to be firm but kind, just say that you don't mind them coming in once, but that you need the break to give you some mental headspace away from people, and you can't do that if you're hosting people and expected to sit with them. If she chucks her toys out the pram, then even better as she will be in a mardy with you and not bother you again 😆

DryIce · 07/04/2025 12:41

Claim to be going back to the van for/about to take a nap every time they look too interested!

Difficult to argue with or disprove, and a more socially acceptable way to demand time on your own

UnderTheCover · 07/04/2025 12:37

Gosh OP, you have the patience of a saint with to deal with some of these posts. Unfortunately what you need is the resolve of a soldier 🤣. There's nothing bad or cheeky about this mum and her daughter. But similarly there's nothing selfish about your plans for your time away - you are already doing volunteering work at the festival after all. This mum's travails as a single mum are not your problem to solve, despite your kind and generous nature. Wish her well but be kind to yourself too - protect your precious time. Tell her the truth - it's nothing against her or your daughter but you treasure your time away from family. Good luck and enjoy your break.

pinkdelight · 07/04/2025 12:32

Having a conversation has been suggested and she has ignored advice as she takes pity on the woman.

She hasn't ignored advice and she is going to have a conversation.

And it's not OP who has filled up 27 pages. She's returned enough to not be one of those posters who vanishes, but she's said what she's going to do about it and will 'crack on' when apt. She's not seeing the woman till she's back at work and wants a face-to-face chat, which feels wise, so is under no obligation to whatsapp her now for the thread's benefit when it's not best way forward for her.

Itsoneofthose · 07/04/2025 12:25

Fingernailbiter · 07/04/2025 12:04

What?? It is quite possible, you know, to have direct communication that is neither a fib/excuse nor telling someone to fuck off.

@Craquedechevalier has already said she will follow the advice of someone who suggested a script that was truthful, direct, yet not insulting.

It's very depressing that some posters can’t see that some people are naturally courteous and want to get their point across civilly without unnecessarily upsetting someone who has meant no harm (and who is not a stranger OP will never see again, but a work colleague).

Show quote history

@Fingernailbiter if you read a previous post from me you’ll see a suggestion I have already given . ‘It’s absolutely nothing personal,I hope you understand.. I love the solitude of the my time away, I hope it doesn’t leave you in a difficult situation at all’ Etc etc blah blah blah. You need to play catch up.

BBT213 · 07/04/2025 12:20

pictoosh · 07/04/2025 09:21

"If you're so sympathetic to her situation, why have you started this thread?"

Maybe she hoped for some measured advice from adult women who understand that she doesn't want to offend her colleague? It really is an awkward situation...for real, not just bluster on mumsnet.

There have been some really good posts and a lot of dross as well.

Well she should crack on then and use the measured advice she has been given. There isnt much more anyone can say after 27 pages and hundreds of posts

Bunchymcbunchface · 07/04/2025 12:17

First night she turned up I’d tell I had the sh*ts and it might be contagious, last thing you want when camping.,….

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