Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

Sounds great..and I know where to go for hot chocolate and pasta 🤣

just kidding. I’ll be north of the border. Hope you find your words and she is accepting without feeling hurt, because it seems you were a major reason for her going there last year and repeating the experience.

You have presumably got time to advise the colleague that you will not have any free time this year and then say you are telling her so she can cancel if needs be .You could also say when you are free you need time to rest which means things will be different for you this year. Just tell her you need to volunteer for more hours than last year .This way you will have advised of changes before she gets there and will hopefully leave you alone.

I can just see it now- please help a lady I work with and her young child knocked on my door and, and…… asked me for hot chocolate 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

No I really wouldn’t call that bullying. You muppet

I’ve read the thread and have no idea what you’re talking about.

As a single mum, I just want to say thanks saying this.

It is bloody hard, and there are definitely times when I’ve underestimated how difficult something’s going to be. There have probably also been times when I leaned too much on someone without realising it was becoming a problem.

Its a difficult balance to strike because, as you say, most people aren’t dicks and do genuinely want to help out a bit if they see someone else struggling.

Hopefully you make it work better this year and there’s a way for you to give her a bit of a boost of confidence without it spoiling your whole week.

I think the reference to feminism is because the poster would said they would tell the single parent to “f*ck off” has the user name feministwoman, in case you missed that.

Probably the sort who doesn’t think it’s okay for older women on their own to be exploited for childcare and refreshments when a single mum she barely knows decides to go on a jolly.

OP there’s so much in your posts that suggest you don’t prioritise yourself much. Why are you describing her as a lonely single mum when you’ve said she’s sociable and outgoing and that she has lots of help from her family?

You’re also painting this as though the “Fuck off” suggestion is an abrupt response to a tentative request for needed assistance. But that’s not what people are saying. It’s being suggested as a line in the sand only after you have made several increasingly clear requests for your own holiday to be respected. That’s one of the big reasons people are saying you need to be very clear now. Because if she is intending to rely on you again, it’s much better that she knows in time to make whatever choices she needs to to be able to cope without doing so.

I understand the not wanting to turn her away last year when it seemed she’d just under estimated what camping with her DD would be like. But her babysitting request shows that that wasn’t the limit of her presumption. She wasn’t just struggling and using you to paper over the cracks she hadn’t anticipated. She’s just following the patriarchal assumption that women you have only the most tentative connections to can be used for caregiving. And you fell into the role. She exploited your generosity. There’s nothing feminist in putting up with that.

@Streaaa well said! Or those who want to view the CF as a poor pitiful needy single mother to satisfy their own saviour complex!

For those whom have difficulty with the concept of a cheeky fxxker and how to spot them, let me give you MY quick box ticking that gets them immediately put in that class of person.

ANYONE who asks something of ME and refuses to accept, "that doesn't suit me", "no thank you", "that won't work for me" and then proceeds to push back against it and ask again, or in a different way, arguing the point etc.

They are instantly labelled CF and have to be very firmly told No, ignored completely if by text, phone calls ignored too.
I will then actively avoid them generally and not care if it is obvious.

This women is a complete CF whom has an agenda and is determined to get what she wants.

She's not the least bit lovely, just another CF who has landed right where she wants to be, next to a doormat whom she can use.

I find it hilarious on MN how often these types are labelled just "oblivious"🤣.
Oblivious my arse.

I do this with a friend, but in hotels with rooms that have nice sitting areas in them. We sit and stitch with something we both like on the television. Four days and three nights of eating what we like when we like. Sleeping when we want, no one else to take care of. We're both retirement age now and have adult disabled (though easy to care for) children. Our husbands are also retired, so home all the time. We chat, of course, but a lot of the bigger conversations happen over meals and we stitch in companionable silence a fair amount of the time.

This year, we got a great deal on a 2-bedroom suite so we each have our own bedroom. We wish we could stay longer!

Oh but I meant to add: it's good that you're going to have a clear word with her, because I imagine she's basing her evening entertainment options around your presence, either as babysitter or just general place to spend time. She needs to plan what she's going to do without you. She needs to bring her own cooker for a start, both for cups of tea and for making small hot water bottles in the evening. No excuses this time!

yes please, this!

I've done similar festival volunteering to yourself, OP, and I have always really enjoyed the week or whatever camping by myself, and just socialising when I wanted to. I could easily put myself in your position in your story so I'm quite invested in how this is going to turn out.

It is funny how some people think that doing something alone = lonely.

I don't know about the "lonely woman" narrative when it comes to your colleague. If this was someone you didn't know at the festival, I see where it could seem this way. You arrive alone and spend a lot of time on your own. But this is a colleague who knows you have a family.

In her shoes, if the trip was something I truly wanted to do, I'd have made sure NOT to book my spot near yours and, if I ran into you, offered to meet up IF you wanted to and then left the ball in your court.

Just read the thread @Fingernailbiter but you wouldn’t want to do that as you’d have nothing to argue about.

I had read that comment, actually, but unlike you, apparently, I don’t memorise the usernames for every post I read.

The advice @Craquedechevalier said she would follow was very similar in tone to your earlier post. So I don’t understand why you then suggested that "it seems you don’t want a resolution then", simply because she made it clear she did not want to tell a colleague to fuck off because she doesn’t want to treat people like that.

@Craquedechevalier Hope you enjoy the holiday… can I impose a request (I promise no sad face in your van 🚐 window 🥺)

I’ve become strangely invested in the situation you’ve found yourself in with Agnes, Can you please give us an update after your chat? 🙏🙏🙏

Definitely this I’m sorry to say. She’s seen what ‘nice & accommodating’ has resulted in - and the same thing 1 year later!! It essentially involves being considerate to people who don’t give a flying fk / walk all over you - what this colleague is doing is insane and the OP is ‘allowing’ it! 🫠

That's extremely generous view of colleagues motivation.
I'm pretty sure that OP did'n't just cave completely at the first fence and that she did say politely several times she came to the festival for peace and quiet and that the colleague just pushed through all that.
She came up to the OP and told her she'd already booked again for this year, this time in the same camping area as OP and stated she expected meet up and share time again. There was no asking OP first, only telling. She'd already told all the other colleagues at OP's work of her plans and expectations, but not OP, so that OP is hearing how essential she, and her campervan, supplies, hosting and babysitting were to the Colleagues happiness on this trip. Thereby making the OP's ability to deny her this time, even harder.

That demonstrates that she's never considered how the OP might feel about it which is either blinkered or obtuse but not necessarily innocent.

I think it’s really interesting how self perceptions really play a part in the social miscommunications played out in the OP’s scenario.

The OP perceives her colleague to be a struggling single mother who against all odds is fighting to enrich her child’s life against all the slings & arrows that can come her way, not excluding the adversities of bad weather, unpreparedness & basic camping equipment at Hay Festival.

She’s unconsciously viewing the colleague in a position of vulnerability relative to herself. It’s kind & supportive of her but ensures her feeling of security & a degree of social dominance or superiority over said colleague who is struggling & fighting to stay afloat as a single mum.

Colleague /single mum perceives herself to be a young, vibrant, single parent, doing the best she can for her child, with what she has & perceives the OP to be a slightly sad, older, eccentric lady (for wanting to go alone to literary festivals). That she spends her holidays volunteering & alone makes the OP think she must be a bit lonely & in need of company. She also has lots of necessities & comforts that she has not thought about bringing to a festival & is very generous with offers of shelter /hot food & drink, every time her & her child have popped in to see her. This makes her feel that she’s helping out this poor colleague who clearly is a bit desperate for some company.

This makes her feel good & secure & in relative superiority & dominance over said lady who seems only too grateful for some more time spent with her daughter & herself next time (which is made all the more enjoyable by the delicious hot chocolate she always gives out). If it were anyone else she would feel like she’s imposing but because this colleague is working at the festival, providing support to attendees and a service, colleague doesn’t feel she’s imposing in any way. Nor does she feel that a quick hand written note of thanks or an inexpensive box of chocolates next time she saw her at work were warranted, & if anything it should be the other way round! If she & her daughter hadn’t popped round so much, she’d have been really lonely & miserable. She seems desperate to play a role & if this is what gives her a purpose, she’s not going to stand in the way of it. She did worry if was ok to go round every meal time but OP wouldn’t hear anything different so colleague was glad she enjoyed her & her daughter’s company so much.

yes that would be pretty much my approach

I agree about mixed messaging. Even if the colleague is doing this in all innocence ( I doubt it, I think she's entitled and thinks its no skin off your nose to help her) I really do think she falls into the "Give them an inch and they'll take a mile".

So saying "I can't be disturbed" and then arranging coffee meetings or setting times when she can come over in the evening.. is just opening another chink for her to pry her way in. "Oh I know we weren't supposed to come until tomorrow but its really raining and child is so keen to see your cosy camper van again. I promise we wont stop you reading/relaxing."

If you do meet for coffee, it could turn into a guilt tripping event.

One of the reasons things like this make me so mad is that even if the person's motives are completely pure and innocent, the stress this generates through dreading/worrying about it in advance is so punishing on your peace of mind..

One ends up working out so many different ways of saying please stop doing this or just leave me alone without causing offence, in advance, constantly thinking of how to bow out gracefully.

You used to look forward to your one week's escape and looking forward to something is half the fun. Colleague has infiltrated your headspace on that too.
No one should push they way into putting you in this position as if their needs and wants on your time and hospitalitiy are worth so much more than your own.

Why the pussy footing around - what is wrong with people - you know what you have to do - stand up for yourself. Why do people have so much trouble saying NO! Its my default!!!!

Just to point out, for those who have not seen my original post.

I did not suggest going straight to telling the colleague to "fuck off" That would be rude and unnecessary.

I said

" I'd first say "no I can't do that"

Then I'd say "I've told you NO"

Then I'd be into "just fuck off dear". "