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Original poster

Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

843 replies

Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 11:39

I work in a school (admin, not teaching). Every year for the last 11 years, I've been away on my own over the summer half-term to attend a big literary festival. My DH and DC have never wanted to come. Both children are now in their 20s.

I register as a volunteer for the festival, book a campsite for a week, do my volunteering duties and attend events at the festival, read, sleep lots, eat what I want and do some work remotely. I have several friends who do similar. It's my 'me' week and I look forward to it very much. Several people at work know what I do and occasionally they turn up at the festival for a day or two. We bump into each other at the festival site, have a coffee — not a problem.

Last year I arrived on the campsite and was setting the van up when someone banged on the window. It was a colleague with her 7-year-old daughter, asking for help to put their tent up. They were camping on the same site in a tent for the week. I helped out, reluctantly. Then they wanted to come in and join me in the van because there was a chilly wind and they were cold. I made them drinks, they poked around the van and didn't seem to want to leave. It went on like that. The weather wasn't great and whenever I was in the van they'd come round and expect to sit with me in the warm or have hot drinks or a meal. They had a car and went out sometimes during the day, but never brought back a takeaway or food to help out. I felt under pressure to host them and so ended up avoiding the van as much as possible. One evening my colleague asked me to look after her daughter while she attended a comedy gig at the festival. She'd already bought a ticket: I didn't feel as if I could say no. I felt as if I'd lost all my down time to looking after them.

They left a day early, which was a relief: they weren't prepared for the reality of camping and from what my colleague said in the weeks afterwards, she had no intention of going back again. Yesterday afternoon I bumped into her in the corridor and she announced that she'd bought a better tent and mattress and thermal leggings and she and her daughter were booked again. Same campsite as me. 'We can hang out like last year' she said.

I'm already booked into the campsite and on the volunteer rota, so I'm committed. How can I politely say that they spoiled last year's break for me, and I'm not doing it again?

OP posts:
Beamur · 05/04/2025 12:41

Can you move your booking to a different campsite?

TokyoKyoto · 05/04/2025 12:41

TerrysCIockworkOrange · 05/04/2025 12:37

I never understand why so many people respond on threads like these recommending all sorts of convoluted ‘excuses’ to give. That seems almost more stressful than hosting the woman in the first place!
OP you have to address this now, well before the event. “How wonderful you’re going again, I hope you and DD enjoy the camping experience more than last year. I am very much looking forward to the festival, I’ve been going for X years and I really value the time by myself, so I hope you’ll understand that I won’t be looking to hang out this year. Perhaps we could meet for a coffee on X day at X place though?”

Can only speak for myself but because other people taking the piss literally brings me out in a rash if I confront them! I hate it so much! And because I hate it I'm liable to be far harsher than necessary, so then I hate myself for not being better at it.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 05/04/2025 12:40

TerrysCIockworkOrange · 05/04/2025 12:37

I never understand why so many people respond on threads like these recommending all sorts of convoluted ‘excuses’ to give. That seems almost more stressful than hosting the woman in the first place!
OP you have to address this now, well before the event. “How wonderful you’re going again, I hope you and DD enjoy the camping experience more than last year. I am very much looking forward to the festival, I’ve been going for X years and I really value the time by myself, so I hope you’ll understand that I won’t be looking to hang out this year. Perhaps we could meet for a coffee on X day at X place though?”

It's because a lot of people are terrified of any sort of conflict or saying no or asserting themselves or prioritising themselves in any way. It feels very frightening to them. Genuinely frightening. Back when I was a champion doormat I would feel physically sick at the mere thought of not doing what I thought others wanted me to do in case they were annoyed with me.

It was ridiculous, looking back, but it was horrible feeling.

Original poster
Craquedechevalier · 05/04/2025 12:40

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/04/2025 12:10

"Agnes - I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this time away is my time to be on my own, to unwind, decompress and enjoy the volunteering and the festival. I'd be happy to meet up for a meal, but I really need to spend most of the time doing my own thing - I hope you understand."

Show quote history

I like this: thank you v much. I could say that to her now, with weeks to go, so that she can be prepared for having to manage better on her own. I might also say pretty much the same thing to one trusted colleague who might back it up by quietly commenting to 'Agnes' that this festival week is my one week of the year to escape on my own. I know it sounds selfish but I don't want to be expected to have to look after or compromise for anyone else for this one week.

I can see how tough it is for a single parent in her circumstances and I think it's great of her to take her daughter away to something like the festival. Maybe she can pair up with another single parent and they can help each other out.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 05/04/2025 12:40

Urghh this is so awkward isn't it? How do you tell someone you don't want their company kindly? It's a snub even if it's not personal.
I completely understand you btw. I like going on solo camping trips too. Love the freedom of pleasing myself and not having to consider anyone else.

I would be tempted to stay elsewhere if that's an option?

PurpleThistle7 · 05/04/2025 12:39

unfortunately your only option is being awkward ahead of time or awkward every day of the event. And before hand is better so you aren’t dreading it for months. She’s ridiculously cheeky to have done this to begin with so I wouldn’t feel guilty at all.

SmoothEncounter · 05/04/2025 12:38

WonderingWanda · 05/04/2025 12:15

Reply and say "I'm really pleased you enjoyed the festival. Please don't take this the wrong way but when I go to this festival it's actually a bit of a retreat for me from the pressures of everyday life and I very much enjoy alone time and a chance to reset my thoughts. Whilst I love your company, all the hanging out last year didn't allow me to achieve that reset so if you don't mind I'm going to decline hanging out. Hope you have a great time"

This is a nice way to put it.

You definitely need to make it clear before you go.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 05/04/2025 12:38

“Much as I enjoyed last year, this is my week of me time so it’s not going to be possible to hang out like we did then. Perhaps we can catch up for a coffee on the site one afternoon “

Ilikeadrink14 · 05/04/2025 12:38

Clairesp85 · 05/04/2025 12:24

Can you not just book at a different campsite and not tell her?

But why would she have to? She clearly likes this site but it’s being spoilt by the CF. She should not be driven out by the needy c*w.
If it takes rudeness to see her off, she should be rude!
I hope she enjoys her time away, and doesn’t give in!

TerrysCIockworkOrange · 05/04/2025 12:37

I never understand why so many people respond on threads like these recommending all sorts of convoluted ‘excuses’ to give. That seems almost more stressful than hosting the woman in the first place!
OP you have to address this now, well before the event. “How wonderful you’re going again, I hope you and DD enjoy the camping experience more than last year. I am very much looking forward to the festival, I’ve been going for X years and I really value the time by myself, so I hope you’ll understand that I won’t be looking to hang out this year. Perhaps we could meet for a coffee on X day at X place though?”

FairKoala · 05/04/2025 12:37

JoanOgden · 05/04/2025 12:10

"Oh, I hope you have a lovely time! I'm afraid I won't be able to see much of you what with my volunteering and having to do some remote work. Plus I'm shattered so need some time to myself. But let's meet up for coffee on the Tuesday"

I think the “won’t see much of you” leaves the door open.

I would say you will have to get together at some point during the week. You will look at your schedule. But you have already planned your days around the literary festival work and because you are on your own for that week it was the perfect time to get all the things you need to focus on done otherwise once you get home then life takes over and things go to pot.

Trickabrick · 05/04/2025 12:37

Imisscoffee2021 · 05/04/2025 12:23

Life is too short and at times too tiring to lose these small but vital respites and time for yourself.

You really need to have a quiet word and say something like, I'm so pleased you enjoy the festival, but I have commitments there and when I'm not volunteering I really value and need time to be alone. I read, I relax, and I recalibrate as I have such alot to do in general, so while it'll be nice to bump into you round the campsite, I'd ask that you don't come round my van as I really just need and enjoy the alone time, its the only peace I get all year!

I’d go with this and add a line about not even bringing your DH with you as it’s your annual recharge from normal life.

TokyoKyoto · 05/04/2025 12:37

GabriellaMontez · 05/04/2025 12:30

I don't think she's a CF, I just think she's one of those cheery outgoing

I think you're mistaken. I think she's a pro cf. I think you're probably quite nice and look for the best in people. She saw you coming.

It's not normal to assume someone will take time out of their holiday to babysit your 7 year old. It's entitled. She already bought a ticket without asking? Why?

I'm sorry but she doesn't care how you're affected by her presence/behaviour. That means that gentle hints or similar won't be effective.

My suggestion is to change site. Tell no one. Say there was a double booking.

It depends on the cost of the ticket but I can see a scenario where she's bought a ticket on the off chance and isn't too fussed about not being able to use it. And the OP is too nice to say no - but if she had, no harm done.
Or the woman is a full-grown expert-level CF.

SophieJo · 05/04/2025 12:37

I do hope you take a note of all the suggestions on here and don’t come back moaning after the event.
You’ll just have to stand your ground very firmly because you were so accommodating last year and have given them the green light to basically use you.

Paness · 05/04/2025 12:36

I mean that privacy film so you can see out but they can’t see in.

pinkdelight · 05/04/2025 12:36

Hey CF,
That's great you've got a better tent. Afraid we can't hang out - I need a complete break from anything work and family related, so will be doing my own thing. Anti-social I know, but it's really a kind of retreat for me away from it all, sure you understand. Have a lovely time with DD and see you when we're back at work.
Best,
OP

And relax....

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 05/04/2025 12:36

OP, don't change campsites!!!
But do buy a Do Not Disturb sign, and email or text her using the suggestions above. You don't owe her an explanation of how you are spending your time.

godmum56 · 05/04/2025 12:36

here you go!

Friends Tv Do Not Want GIF
InBedBy10 · 05/04/2025 12:36

SheridansPortSalut · 05/04/2025 12:19

Can you book a different campsite without telling her, even if it means taking a financial hit?

This would be your best option.

I'm like you OP, I hate confrontation or awkwardness. Unfortunately I don't think being subtle is going to work with this woman. I think she only chose this holiday as she knew you would be there and is relying on you to be abit of company for her. There's no way out of this without hurting her feelings.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 05/04/2025 12:35

"Last year she told to others at work about how she and her daughter relied on me for hot water and food and warmth and how they wouldn't have survived without me."

Just a heads up, that's got manipulation written all over it.

Unless you stop it now, you'll be hosting them every year.

So you need to decide what you are going to do.

Have a difficult conversation, change campsites or forget your volunteering and do a different holiday on a different week, because the option you want? - that she'll leave you alone without you having to do or say anything? Not going to happen.

She's working up to having you look after them every year. I'll bet money on it.

Paness · 05/04/2025 12:35

Get curtains/film for the van windows?

TokyoKyoto · 05/04/2025 12:35

GirlWhatHaveYouDoneYoureAPinkPonyGirl · 05/04/2025 12:28

Tell her you’re glad she’s upgraded her equipment because you’re writing a book and won’t be able to accept guests.

Oh, this is a good response. "I'm using the time away from distractions" - perfect.

RampantIvy · 05/04/2025 12:34

Muchtoomuchtodo · 05/04/2025 12:16

You have to be honest. And firm. Have some practice lines ready for using when needed.

As an aside when is summer half term?!

Spring bank week. I assume it is the Hay Festival which is the last week in May.

@Craquedechevalier I think because you were too accommodating last time your colleague thought it gave her the green light to do this again.

You have already had several great answers on this thread.

I have another suggestion - can you buy the reflective window film that means that people can't see in but you can see out?

pikkumyy77 · 05/04/2025 12:32

Honestly tell her now beforehand. She and her little girl won’t die if she can’t get hot water from you. They are quite resourceful and can tent camp by themselves or leave if its not working.

I had to do this once with a colleague eho was desperate to chat on our shared trips home after our traumatic (health care) days. I was very kind but firm and we ended up good friends who didn’t interact during the trip home. Its fine to be honest but do it outside the “crisis “ of the event.

PerkingFaintly · 05/04/2025 12:32

"Last year didn't work for me, to be honest. My festival week is my break from work and that whole world. I enjoy the time completely away from it all, on my own. So I'm afraid I won't be hanging out with anyone, and that also means you can't use my van as your facility.

Anyway, enjoy your time at the festival. I'm sure now you know what you're doing you'll be grand."

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