Work colleague has decided to come on holiday with me — again...

I’d maybe ask if there is a volunteer tent you could go to as a retreat to sit and relax/read during the day. Then it’s maybe just the evenings where you are busy as you are zooming family /helping kid with homework.

I am still amazed she assumed you’d babysit. I am awkward enough asking a friend to watch my kids. Or even paying someone to do it. I can’t imagine just assuming (and that’s where I gave up trying to see her side)

Do you want to see them at all when you’re away or would you rather not even have a coffee? Cause if you are happy to meet them once I’d make a specific plan for the second half of the week and just repeat that plan over and over again as needed (after an honest chat beforehand of course - just thinking about the actual trip). If you don’t want to see them at all that’s also fine but you should decide that now so you can be 100% clear from the start.

Just read yr last update - swapping not a goer

I was just going to say this.

An excellent sign I saw at a Renaissance Fair office was “DRAMA FREE ZONE”

One of those situations when you’re going to have to take your people pleaser pants off and put your big tough girl pants on.

if she comes around, be proactive with the narrative. Invite them over on Wednesday. Don’t let them control when theycoming around. If they try to come early, repeat, we arranged meeting on Wednesday (or whenever) and then on Friday, have a new invite for Friday coffee.

I think it looks worse if you were to try and avoid them and hope they ‘get the message’, but personally I prefer people to be direct so maybe that’s just me. However I would definitely take her to a side ahead of the trip and say (or even over a text if easier)…‘I dont’ want it to come across as though I’m avoiding you when we’re there, I love hanging out with you guys, but I really value the time spent away by myself to rest, read, do some sleeping and recharge my batteries. So whilst I’m happy to meet a couple of times for coffee, I do rely on my alone time when there. I was a lot more sociable last year than I normally would be. I really hope you understand’

Is there any way you can move campsites if you ask the organisers /tickets provider? I’d hate this & wouldn’t be able to relax thinking she’d be knocking at any given moment. I’d also struggle in the here & now to actually turn them away (esp if they claimed cold, just popping in briefly etc) even if my reasons for doing so were justified & valid to me eg need decompression time/space or just not want any company etc. I would fear it would get back to work that I’d snubbed or been rude to her & so that would eat into my enjoyment of the time there. Easy to say tell her you just want your own space harder to do in practise imo.

I know I can't believe she booked the ticket. Yet you say she isn't a CF? Maybe you need to check your boundaries @Craquedechevalier ? She definitely sounds like one to me.

Or “if the caravan’s rockin’ don’t come knocking’”

let her explain that to her daughter 😂

I'm not sure a 'Do Not Disturb' sign would work. I'd expect someone like her to think, 'Oh, that doesn't apply to US. We're special, we're her friends!'.

Have the conversation before you go so she knows the expectations. She is a CF-shown with how she booked herself a single ticket assuming you would watch her kid.
Tell her you think it’s great that she enjoyed the festival last time. You also enjoy it because you value the time being alone, which is why you don’t bring your family. You’re really happy that she has bought some better kit and will be well prepared. You’re happy to meet up for coffee on one of the days but you won’t be available like last year and certainly not for baby sitting duties.

I hope you do say that to her.

It really isn’t rude to say ‘no thanks, I don’t want to’. It’s clear and direct, which is what CFs like this require. It’s also not anti-social, nor rude to want to spend a week alone.

Just say ‘oh I can’t just now!’ No outright apology, explanation, or excuse. If they ask why: ‘I just can’t’. Don’t get drawn into giving any information as it’ll be ‘oh we’ll only come in for a moment’ or ‘but we’ll be quiet’ etc. Also don’t say ‘maybe later/tomorrow’ as that might be taken as an invitation. If pressed for a later date, say ‘let’s see how things go, I can’t commit to anything just now’ all nice and cheery. If ‘oh but it’s raining!’ then just say ‘I know…’ not your problem so don’t get drawn into it!

‘I’ve already got plans’ works too, esp for babysitting. Your plans might well be just reading or sitting in peace on your own… still a perfectly valid plan!

Because sometimes, a well-crafted excuse allows everyone to save face, which is especially useful when they all have to work together.

I agree that excuses won't work in this case though - you need to just be frank, OP, and I'd do it well in advance.

Stick a large Do Not Disturb sign on the door @Craquedechevalier

Say something soon to her. Polite, firm and cheery.

You'll need to tell them you need a holiday away from all thoughts of work and you want a week of 1-1 with your dd as you have had a lot on, that you don't want to get into, and you both need it, so you won't be able to meet up at all this time. Do this BEFORE the holiday.

If you bump into each other say hello, ask if they are having a nice time, then say sorry need to go, enjoy your holiday.

If they show up at the van, come out, close the door (body language) say hello then say, must be getting on got things to do with dd, have a good evening and turn away. If they stay be more firm - I explained I need time with dd and I won't be able to meet up, and just keep repeating the same thing. You do not owe them further explanations.

Do this. But re the meal, add something in about going to one of the places you can eat on site. Otherwise she'll assume they're coming to the van, to be fed by you, and that'll be one evening / day gone as it'll be hard to get rid of them.

The window film is also a great idea.

OP, you have 2 choices here, you either politely tell her that you are not available, or you let them crash into your life.

This will happen every single year unless you put a stop to it. I said to my mum once when she kept moaning about something - the only person who can say no is you, X is not going to stop asking.

I know you don't want to seem rude but you need to be firm now before you go, and tell her that you won't be available this year. Just keep reating it no matter what she comes out with "sorry but no" Then if they actually turn up when you are there, you have to repeat it and refuse to let them in.

She needs to go there knowing that she has to rely on her own equipment and that she doesn't have a babysitter. If she keeps bothering you then you will have to be very blunt.

Only you can stop her from ruining it.

It will be a similar situation again unless you learn to stand up for yourself and be polite but firm. “ I didn’t feel as if I could say no” needs to become “I’m sorry but I can’t help as I’ve got other things I need to be getting on with.”

When they come out with “know you're busy, we'll just pop over when you're around to have a drink with you when we see you in the van” then you need to be really firm - “sorry but that’s not going to work for me as I need to take time to have some downtime by myself in between my shifts, it actually makes me quite stressed out having other people in the van”.

I would nip it in the bud now, in advance. Speak in person or send a text that you wanted to let her know that you won’t be available to get together at the festival as the time when you’re not working will be taken up with catching up on reading and getting some much-needed time to be be completely alone as that’s something really important to you.

"I might also say pretty much the same thing to one trusted colleague who might back it up by quietly commenting to 'Agnes' that this festival week is my one week of the year to escape on my own."

Absolutely don't.
Don't rely on a third party who isn't involved to back you up or make comments. It could only go horribly wrong. Tackle this yourself.

Oh, the number of times I've wished it wasn't considered rude just to say 'I don't want to!' 😂

OP, speaking as someone who also takes a holiday alone every year and very much needs it to recharge, this would be my idea of hell! I was cringing as I read it. You definitely need to reset expectations. I liked @WonderingWanda's suggested wording.

I wouldn't say you love her company. People like her just see that and it blots out the rest of the message. Honestly, I go away on writing retreats and people tell me while I'm that place I should meet up with X or Y, and I have to say - I'm going there specifically to not meet up with people. They really need it spelling out or they just think you're like them and can't comprehend not wanting to hang out constantly. You can be nice but still be clear and draw the line firmly.

Just tell her and manage her expectations. Say you’re not going to be socialising as you need a complete break/have work to do/are doing mindful meditation/whatever. Add to this by clarifying that this means she won’t be able to come in the van or get water from you.

If she does try to knock on your van, just smile and repeat what you said: “I’m sorry, Olivia. As I said, I’m working/meditating/whatever and am actively detaching myself from all outside intrusions whatever they are, so I’m afraid I can’t let you have hot water or invite you in.”